No Secrets

It hurt her; to be stared at and talked about as though she were nothing but a mere whore. She was scorned, belittled and degraded as though she weren't even a person. And why? Because she had finally given Kevin West what he wanted; what every boy wants. She finally fucked him; and in doing so, she had fucked herself over. His happiness caused her pain, or was it him doing that? All Terra knew was she didn't hate him; she hated herself and she was so hurt that she could only blame herself for being so stupid.

Who am I? she asked herself standing before one of the restroom mirrors in bleak lights, tears in her eyes as she stared desperately out at her reflection. Here stood a girl with long, black and dyed strawberry blonde highlights in her hair, her face of a cinnamon brown color; her eyes coffee brown with a flat mole just lightly above her soft pink lips. Why wasn't she enough? she asked herself even though she really wanted to ask him. How could the one thing she always hoped would bring her happiness, bring her so much sadness that she felt trapped and enslaved by it?

Why did relationships have to carry so much sadness? Wasn't she pretty enough? Or was it that she was just too fragile and skinny? Was it everything she was?

She asked questions even when she already knew the answers and though the answer to some of her questions, she didn't want to hear; she didn't want to know. She asked questions, even when none of them mattered to her anymore. This time, she didn't try to fight away the tears that were forming in her eyes. She let the tears fall, hot and slowly as she dropped to the floor, hands covering her face.

He's not worth it, her friend Brittney Thomland had said. Was it him, or was it her?

Get up, she told herself. This isn't who you are. So, Terra picked herself up from the bathroom floor, wiped the tears from her eyes and looked inside the mirror once again, determined to love herself no matter what she saw staring back at her.

What was her mother going to say? she couldn't help but wonder. Now that she'd made the same mistake her mother had made when she was sixteen. She hadn't bothered to mention to Alecia that the first condom she and Kevin had used had slipped off in his rush to get inside her. She shook her head and forced herself to smile as she looked into the mirror. Besides, it didn't matter; she'd taken the morning after pill.

Terra forced herself to walk through the halls with her head held high. As she started to exit the building she was pulled into the arms of one of her best boy friends, Markeise Taylor. Markeise was her homeboy and one of Kevin's friends. Markeise is also known as MJ, and Terra loved him but sometimes, she felt as though she were in love with him.

"Hey," she said softly, smiling when she saw his fine baby boy face. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I know," Markeise said in his slightly deep voice, licking his big, beautiful pink lips which were now starting to darken due to him constantly smoking. "You been hiding from me."

"Fa real?" she asked, unable to resist the urge to flirt back with him. "I'm sorry."

"If you was sorry you'd be making it up to me right now," he said seductively, sex in his eyes as he looked down at her. "Is you gon call me tonight?"

"Of course," she said shoving him playfully, thinking he was kidding.

"Well get a pen or something so you can write it down," he said.

Terra stopped smiling when she realized he was serious.

"Me and ya boy just broke up last night, and I'm not over it yet so..."

"So? What that gotta do with you calling me? I'll make you feel better," he said smirking when he saw her break into a smile.

"Yea? Kevin said he'd make me feel good last night," Terra responded, laughing bitterly.

"Kevin's just another stupid rich boy working with toys. But I can back up what I say."

And Terra believed he could back up what he said but it was too early to get into that.

Terra took a pen from her bookbag and wrote her number on the palms of his right hand.

"You better call me too," she said before walking out the building and heading for Alecia's car.