Unforgivables

Crawling into the loft of the barn I hid myself deep within the shadows of old antique cases and furniture that was never used. If the McKinney’s even knew they had so much stuff up in the loft I would have been surprised. I seemed to be the only one who ever went up there and if they did come up to the loft they never moved anything. I notice when things are moved and there was nothing ever moved in the loft. If things were moved I was losing my mind completely and couldn’t tell anymore.

As I found a small place to sit I leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. It was so nice to be so surrounded. That was one of the reasons I loved the loft so much. There was so much around me that I just felt so safe. So safe behind all the walls. Nothing could hurt you behind the walls and it such a wonderful feeling to be safe. When I was out in the open, when I was in the field or in our house, they could find me. If I was hidden, deep in the shadows, I was hidden from them.

“Hello…” I clamped my hands over my ears hearing someone from far behind me. Sometimes they would come from in front of me, from beside me, from above or below me, and sometimes they would come from behind me. It was always so much more worse when they would come from behind. It was like going up behind someone and stabbing them in the back. They never say it coming until that blade was in their back. “Don’t ignore me now you little shit. I know you can hear me…I know you can feel me right behind you. Come on you little fucker. Are you afraid?”

I clamped my eyes tightly shut trying to block him out. Trying to make him go away. I didn’t want to hear it! He wasn’t supposed to bug me in the barn! They were supposed to leave me alone in the barn! Why? Why were they doing this? Why wouldn’t they just let me have a little time to sit and just…be. That is all I wanted. I just wanted to sit there and be slightly normal for a moment and they couldn’t even give me that!

“Christopher?” came a voice from god only knew where. I didn’t want to hear it! Whether it was an actual person or not I did not want to hear people talking. I didn’t want to hear it! “Hey, are you okay?” I hear someone, from the sound of the voice it was Nicholas, and that someone was kneeling in front of me. “Christopher answer me.”

“Who is that now?” came the man’s voice from behind me again. “I bet you want him don’t you? I bet you want him to fuck you right here you little fag. Go on and admit it. You want him to push you up against the wall and just fuck you right here.”

“No…” I whimpered to the man behind me. It sank in then that Nicholas was there and had no clue what was going on. That Nicholas had asked me if I was okay and I was whimpering the word ‘no’ to whom he thought was him. How did this happen? How did I find myself in this position?

The man was laughing at me. It hurt so much to hear him laughing at me. Like a thousand needles stabbing into my brain over and over again. “Tell him. Just tell him you want him to fuck you, you little whore. Maybe for a little bit you can pretend you are an actual human. No one will ever want you for more then a quick little fuck so why not accept it?”

Nicholas had set a hand on my shoulder now; I could feel its heat sinking into my cold form. “Christopher please tell me what is going on. Do you want me to go get my aunt? I’ll go get someone just tell me who to get.”

“He calls you Christopher. How cute.” The man sneered in my head. A slap sounded through my brain and I winced slightly. It wasn’t like it hurt me really. It was just a sound, but the sound did enough damage. “You better ask him to fuck you quick before you scare him away like everyone else.”

“Stop it…” I whimpered. I didn’t know who I was talking to anymore. I knew that someone was there and I knew that someone was talking to me. I couldn’t tell who was who anymore. Someone was hurting me and someone was there seeing everything. God why couldn’t I make it stop? Why couldn’t I get away before I did something to truly freak Nicholas out? “Oh gods please stop…”

Someone was screaming. I could hear it. Someone was screaming and I didn’t know who it was. That was my voice…that was me…I was screaming. I was screaming and I couldn’t make myself stop. It was just too much. I was too far-gone into the back of my mind to know what the front of my mind was doing. I’d slipped to far back to fully comprehend what was happening let alone control what was going on.

“Aunt Jenna!” I heard Nicholas yell. Oh god no. Please don’t call them up here. Please don’t call more people up here. Don’t let them come. No more people. I couldn’t handle more people. It was to crowded as it was. There was too much going on at once. There were people yelling on both ends, that man in my head, and now actual people coming. “Aunt Jenna hurry!”

The screaming had stopped. Was I dead? No…no I wasn’t dead I had just stopped screaming. I was most likely in shock. I hadn’t gone into shock in a very long time. The last time I had been in shock was with one of my first foster families. That had been a very bad family. What was it? What was making me do this? I couldn’t be getting worse. I thought I was already bad so there couldn’t be a worse to it. Dear god it could not get worse then this.

“Kit!” Jenna ran up to me and I could feel her eyes looking over me to make sure that I was okay. I knew what she thought it was. When people saw me like this they thought I was having flashbacks of the night my family had died. I wish it were that. “Nicholas go get your Uncle. Hurry and go get him!” footsteps ran down the latter and I felt Jenna’s hands on my shoulders. “Kit can you hear me? Can you talk to me?”

I shook my head quickly. I wasn’t going to talk. I wasn’t going to make it louder then it already was. Louder footsteps came up the stairs and I could tell they belonged to Marcus. “Jenna? What is going on?”
“I don’t know.” Jenna answered him. God they were making everything so loud. It was like having two TVs in one room and battling between sound until they were both on full. “Nicholas called me up here and he was like this.”

Marcus knelt down in front of me now but I didn’t move. I wasn’t going to move. In fact I wasn’t sure I could move. Wasn’t sure my legs would hold me, wasn’t sure I still had legs because I hadn’t been able to feel them since it started. I was going insane. That was the only explanation for it. I heard voices. That was insane. That was why most people went to insane asylums.

“Christopher. Christopher look at me now.” Marcus said sternly like that was going to make me look at him. He wasn’t my father! I didn’t have to answer to him! I didn’t have to behave him, I wasn’t obligated to behave or do what he said. If I wanted to sit in my own self-pity and self-destruct then I would goddamn it!

“Good.” That same man said from behind me. “Let the hatred flow through you. You don’t need these people. They can’t help you now. No one can help you now. You are all fucking alone and you know that. Why are you even bringing these people down with you? It’s very selfish of you. You should just run away and let them live their lives normally. You are going to cause it again. It’s what happens every time you go somewhere. You’ll never escape it Christopher. It burns inside you.”

“Help me…” I finally let the words fall out of my mouth like they had been choking me. “Please help me…”

“Shh.” Jenna ran her hand through my hair softly as she tried to sooth me. How long had it been since someone had actually tried to calm me like this? Since my real mother I guess. No one had cared enough. The moment they found me like this they had the social worker on the phone and I was shipped off somewhere. “Everything is going to be okay Kit. We’re gonna get you back to the house and get you cleaned up.”

She could get me cleaned up all she wanted. She could have the first few layers of my skin removed with acid and I would not be clean. Give me a new life, a new body, a new mind, and maybe then I would be clean but I doubted I would ever get away. It just scared me. Scared me that they were right. I knew he was right. I knew he was right but I just didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to think something like that was inside me. I didn’t want to think that I could do such a thing. Of course…if I had done it before…I could do it again. I would do it again. It was only a matter of time.

A/N : You can hate this chapter all you want but I am damn proud of it thank you very much! I was ready the last three chapters last night and the idea for this chapter punched me in the face. Like an invisible fist of creativity! Alright, I have nothing more to say.

-Much love

Sorry... I forgot to say. I hope this easier to read. All I can do is shove more spaces between paragraphs but I hope this is better!!!
-Double much love!