Forbidden Memories

His head lifted and for once that carefree, devil-may-care look was gone. Replaced by sadness. \"Gotta coke?\" mock happiness in his tone. KC wasn\'t stupid and he wasn\'t as dense as most folks seemed to think he was. It wasn\'t that he wanted to go back to the streets, it was only that it was familar ... home. Surely Damion understood that. Plus he wasn\'t certain he could deal with getting help from the man that obviously kept the youth from him. Sure KC was a sentimental schumck but he had always believed there was one person out there for everyone. It seemed he had lost his. Gaze fell to the food and he forced himself to take it slow, not wanting to making himself sick on the first decent meal he\'d had in months. A low growl of satifaction came from his throat as the taste hit him. The part of him that wanted food and drink and bath and home blah blah blah, didn\'t want to ever leave. The rational part of him screamed that he needed to high tail it as quick as possiable. Maybe he shouldn\'t even wait for a bath, that he was walking a very thin dangerous line. Ignoring that little voice he continued to enjoy the wonderful food.

He vanished and re-appeared, giving KC a bottle of coke. Teeth pulled at his lower lip and the youth set it to one side, moving over the window. Oh gods. Silent treatment. He\'d only ever had the silent treatment once before, and that was when he\'d pissed off Zaile somehow and he didn;t remember how, and the man had just ignored him. But Fall had won him round with his instantance. Damn well couldn\'t use sex on on KC now, could he?Well, he could, but it would probably be a bad idea. A long slow, sigh, eyes half lidding. \"What the hell is wrong KC? What did you expect? That...that...I\'d still be alive? That after escaping from that god awful insitiution, I\'d go running back to the ally? To Spike? To you? Oh gods...\" He turned around from the window, leaning back against the wall, arms folding over his chest and sinking down, wrapped in a self hug. Head bowed, eyes fixed on his knees. \"For gwads sake KC...I\'m selfish rat. I always was. What made you think I\'d changed? I mean, jesus, what are you expecting? What are you wanting? I mean, Jesus! I make a living giving people what they want, what do *you* want from me?\" It was desperate, yes, but the silent treatment was too difficult. it was too hard, Fall *hated* not getting attention. Being talked to, having eyes on him...

He looked up with a glare, setting the food aside - carmel eyes flashed. \"Do you have any fucking idea how much I hurt after you disappeared! Do you even fucking care? Spike swore you didn\'t. I told him right then he could damn well go to Hell! And for that I got a knife in the gut.\" He pointed to the scar just past his naval. \"If Spike couldn\'t have *you* he\'d take *me*, and take me he did!\" Looking away, not letting himself cry, because he knew Damion was selfish and yet for some reason he had let himself believe they had something special. \"I guess I was the fool. I believed you cared, I convinced myself you gave a damn.\" What more did he want to hear, the truth? That KC loved him with every fiber of his being? Fat chance because he had a feeling if he said anything remotly similar to that he\'d only get laughed at. Refusing to get taken advantage of ... again, picking up the drink he drank it only a couple of gulps but didn\'t finish the food. Gaze returning to Damion again. Just staring right back at him. Not once letting on how much this really killed him inside. Like that little boy inside that had managed to survive all this time had finally given up on life, in his place was harsh reality.

\"What would Spike know? He was a fucking inbred streak of horse piss!\" He growled a little, head lifting and baby blues fixing onto KC. \"Of course I fucking cared! I still fucking do! What the fuck is bringing you into my house and feeding you and fixing you up and offering you a better life where you\'re still *in* mine if it\'s not fucking careing!\" He got up. \"Oh, fine, you know, for fuck sake.\" The youth shook his head. He needed a fix, he was shaking, his heart was fluttering and it wasn\'t nice. It was painful. If he wasn\'t careful, his heart would just give up again and it would be another trip to Zaile\'s, another debt, and a hundred billion more lectures. He *wanted* a fix, he *needed* a fix. Hands were trembling, lifting and folding over chest and gripping his upper arms in a self hug. KC was right. He told Fall he loved him, the youth would laugh. Fall didn\'t do love, it was a well known fact. He might be Cyn\'s mind body and soul, and the man might openly claim he was in love with Fall,. but Fall had never said it back. He just...it was. Strange. Eyes slipped shut and the youth shook his head, padding over and eyeing KC, leaning over, hands on the arms of the chair and staring him right in the eye. \"So yea, you think what you want. I don\'t have to change your pre-conceptions, i fucking couldn\'t no matter how hard I tried. But the stakes are this. You can either put yourself back out on the streets, or accept the help I\'m giving you. Fuck man....\" He shook his head and moved off. \"Eat your damned food. I\'m going for a smoke.\" Falld didn\'t smoke his drugs indoors anymore, because of Coral. No matter how fucked up *he* was, Fall wasn\'t going to fuck up his \"kids\" systems.

KC recoiled as though he\'d been slapped, what was he supposed to say to that. Honestly he knew Damion would never love him back, and it didn\'t matter, at least he cared. Getting up quickly, but carefully he followed the youth outside. Grasping him by the wrist, his free hand lifted to touch Damion\'s cheek. \"I\'m sorry, I didn\'t mean... didn\'t mean to upset you.\" Fingers gently brushed the beautiful hair. \"I still worry about you D... even though you don\'t need me to take care of you anymore. That I guess is part of what stings.\" A faint smile \"No matter how hard you try to push me away, you will always be here.\" He placed the youth\'s hand over his his heart, letting him feel the beat. \"I want to be there for you, even if you don\'t need me. I can\'t help it.\" His hand dropped from the other\'s cheek, falling to his side. \"I\'m sorry.\" KC\'s carmel eyes sparkled for a moment, only for a moment of what used to be. Then his gaze lowered now embarressed of his actions and words. A faint blush touched his cheeks. Hand habitually stuffing into his pockets. Dirty hair falling into his face.

He\'d already lit up smack lit roll up, and exhaled as KC grabbed his arm. It was still raining, and teeth pulled at his lower lip. \"...Then let me take care of you. You always looked after me. I..I\'m more than capapable of looking after you! I...I manage a night club! I\'ve got foster custody of a 15 year old genius! I look after a kitten, I...\" Head dipped a little. D. He wasn\'t D anymore. but he\'d let KC call him that, after all, what was he supposed to say? Fingers curled a moment against bare chest, a spark almost running through him. Fall pulled his hand away and took another long inhale, eyes slipping shut. \"Don\'t....don\'t aplogise. It\'s my fault. I shoulda at least gone back at least once to see you, or something.\" Eyes opened, baby blues fixed on the sodden ground at his feet. \"KC, I don\'t know what you want. I just want to see you do well in your life. And now I...now I can give you a real decent shot at doing all those things we used to talk about when we were curled up in the dumpsters, listening to the rain.\" The fix was calming him, and the effect *was* immediate. Eyes were a little more...relaxed. Speech was softer, slower. Body less tensed looking.

---Chapter 5 is on the way---