You Don't Know Me

Lifting her hand again to knock louder on the door, Michelle was growing more frustrated by the minute. She didn’t even want to be there. She was just doing a favor for Marcus. She hated that she had to waste her time trying to tutor this arrogant ass. Or so she told herself…

Michelle was about to give up and storm away when she heard definite movement come from inside the apartment. “He’s just ignoring me,” she thought as anger surged through her. She reached for the doorknob and was surprised that it was unlocked. She opened the door and glanced around. It was a small place, a studio apartment. On one side of the room, a television sat cattycorner from a neatly made bed. Leaned up against the walls, which were decorated with band posters, were several well-worn skateboards with stickers and writing on the decks. Across the room was a weight bench and on the floor was Marcus. He had on headphones and was doing sit-ups.

Feeling her stomach jump at the sight of him, Michelle willed herself to calm down. It didn’t matter that he looked unbelievably good lying there, wearing just a pair of jeans and a wifebeater, sweat glistening on his forehead making his hair damp. It didn’t matter that his face was scrunched up in a combination of pain and concentration. It didn’t matter that the tattoos on his forearm and bicep moved slightly each time his muscles strained. It didn’t matter that…

At that moment, Marcus opened his eyes and saw her. He sat up and pulled off the headphones, resting them around his neck. “How long have you been standing there?” he asked, and Michelle thought she caught a bemused note in his voice.

“If it had been up to you,” Michelle replied indignantly, putting her hands on her hips. “I would have been standing outside your door all afternoon.”

A look of confusion passed over his face. “Didn’t you read the note?” he asked as he rose.

“What note?” Michelle asked, feeling her face begin to flush.

Michelle could smell the combination of soap and sweat on his skin as Marcus brushed by her. He opened the door, looked at it, and then looked down. He bent over and picked up a piece of paper off the floor, closing the door behind him.

“Sorry, it must have fallen,” Marcus told her, handing Michelle the note.

“Michelle, I might not be able to hear you when you knock, so just let yourself in. Marcus. P.S. Thanks in advance for the help.”

Swallowing hard, Michelle watched as Marcus crossed the room back to the weight set, where he had a towel resting. He was facing away from her, and she couldn’t stop herself from staring at the muscles in his back through the thin, damp material of the tank top as he patted his face and neck. Tossing the towel back down, he turned around to face her and gave her a small grin.

“So do you want to work with me all sweaty?” Marcus asked, and Michelle’s eyes got wide. “Or can you wait another ten minutes while I shower?”

Feeling heat passing over her face again, Michelle mumbled that Marcus could take a shower. “What is going on with me?” she thought to herself as he closed the bathroom door behind him. “I’m over him. The most we’ll ever be is friends, if that...” Somehow, though, Michelle knew this wasn’t exactly true.

Trying to calm herself down, Michelle began looking around the room. Marcus had a small table in the kitchen area with a laptop set up on it. She glanced at the posters, realizing that she only recognized one or two of the bands. Next to the bed was a mirror with a few photos stuck into the edges. She started looking at them.

There was a cute photo of a boy of about twelve that was definitely Marcus. He had his arms pinned behind him by an adorable redheaded girl who looked very proud of being in control of the situation, and another boy with light hair was watching from the foreground with a smile. Another photo was from his high school graduation, with what had to be his mother. The final picture was of a beautiful brunette smiling widely into the camera. Curiously, Michelle picked up this picture and noticed there was writing on the back. “Marcus, I’m really proud of how you’ve taken control of your life. Continue to take care of yourself. Love, Catherine”. Michelle flipped the photo back over to stare at the wide smile and sparkling eyes of this Catherine girl.

“What are you looking at?” Marcus’s voice came from behind Michelle, and she could hear there was an annoyed edge to it.

“Oh, I was just looking at your pictures,” Michelle spun around. “I hope you don’t mind. This girl is really beautiful. Is she a girlfriend?” She couldn’t believe the words had actually made it out of her mouth.

Marcus took the picture from Michelle and smiled at it with a look of tenderness in his eyes that made Michelle’s heart drop into her stomach. “No, Catherine’s my ex,” he said softly, still looking at the picture. “She’s awesome.” He walked towards the mirror and put the picture back up. It was only then that Michelle realized he was wearing a pair of jeans but no shirt or socks. He had a towel in his hand, and he was drying his long hair, little damp strands that fell in front of his eyes. “Well, should we get started?” he asked, grabbing a t-shirt from the headboard and slipping it on.

For a second, Michelle had no idea what he was talking about and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. Then she saw him point at his computer in the kitchenette and realized he wanted to go over his paper. “Yeah,” Michelle said, pulling herself together and reinstating the cool tone she usually used. “Let’s get this over with.”

Shaking his head, Marcus tried to ignore that attitude that Michelle suddenly began giving him. He didn’t get her at all. Since the party at Sean’s, he had gone out of his way to be nice to her, always friendly without pushing things. And every now and then, he caught her looking at him with a soft expression, her eyes that beautiful color of raindrops. Still, she tried her best to always be standoffish with him. Sitting down at the table, he turned the computer to face her, so she could look at the paper. He watched her eyes, intent and focused, as she read.

They sat in silence while Michelle read the beginning of his paper, and then they went over some suggestions she gave him. In particular, she wanted him to change one point in his essay. “I’m not going to change that,” Marcus said, looking annoyed. “That’s the whole point of what I’m saying.”

“You actually believe that all actions are a reaction to fear?” Michelle asked incredulously. “That’s ridiculous.”

Standing up, Marcus willed himself to keep his temper in check. “Michelle, I appreciate the help you’re giving me, but I’m not going to change this point, so let’s just move on.”

But something about the statement Marcus had written hit Michelle hard, and she couldn’t just let it go. “Marcus, there’s no point in me trying to help you with an essay whose main point is completely asinine,” she insisted, standing up and raising her voice a little. “I cannot help you if you refuse to even consider it.”

Finally losing the battle with himself and his temper, Marcus let out an angry laugh. “I’m the one refusing to consider something? God, you are the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. And – AND you are the perfect example of what I was talking about. You are afraid of everything, and that’s why you always react so strongly. That’s why you won’t even read the rest of my essay unless I change what you don’t want to face!”

Her gray eyes blazing, Michelle walked up to Marcus. “What the hell are you talking about?” she asked angrily. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Bullshit,” Marcus barked back. “I’ve never met anyone who was so afraid. You act like this cold bitch hoping everyone thinks it’s because you’re stuck-up, but it’s not. You are afraid people aren’t going to like you, so you strike the first blow.”

“It’s great to get psychoanalyzed by an idiot,” Michelle said, her blood boiling. “But you are completely wrong. I act like a bitch because I don’t like most people, particularly people like you.”

“People like me?” Marcus shouted. “You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me!”

“Oh, but you know me, is that it?” Michelle yelled back. “Please, you were blessed with so much – looks, brains, charm – and you don’t do anything productive with it. You’re happy just sitting back, gliding through life.”

“Maybe I was wrong about you,” Marcus roared. “Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. Because intelligent people don’t go around judging other people without knowing them.”

“Like you judging me right now?” Michelle countered. “Telling me I’m afraid of everything?”

“But you are!” Marcus yelled again. “It’s so obvious. You’re afraid to try to make friends, aside from Sean. You’re afraid to get close to people. Hell, you’re afraid to go to a real university, even though you’re the smartest fucking person I’ve ever met, because you are afraid of being away from Mommy and Daddy, and you are afraid of not being the smartest person in the classroom.”

“Okay, you want to tell me about my problems?” Michelle’s eyes were blazing, and she clenched her fists at her side. “Then let me tell you yours. You are just like every other cocky arrogant bastard we go to school with, I know that much.”

“Whether or not I am,” Marcus yelled back. “It still doesn’t mean you’re not afraid.”

“But I’m not!” Michelle screamed. “I’m not afraid of anything!”

“Then why did you stop short?” Marcus asked, his voice lowering a little. “The night we were at Sean’s party. Why didn’t you at least wait to see how it felt to kiss me, if you weren’t afraid?”

“Maybe I had a momentary lapse of judgment that I luckily overcame quickly?” Michelle retorted, although her voice quieted some, too. “It wasn’t because I was afraid.” She leaned back against the wall to support herself, as her knees seemed to be getting weaker as Marcus moved closer to her.

Marcus leaned over and put his hands on the wall, on either side of her head. “Are you afraid now?” he asked softly, looking into her eyes. It wasn’t a threat and it wasn’t an insult. It was a question.

“I’m not afraid,” Michelle lied.

“So if I kiss you, you won’t be afraid?” Marcus asked gently.

Shaking her head, Michelle couldn’t get out any words. She saw him lower his head, and she closed her eyes as his lips brushed against hers. He kissed her softly, chastely at first, and then she felt his tongue glide over her lips. She opened her mouth just a little and felt his tongue brush along the inside of her upper lip. To both his surprise and hers, Michelle’s tongue tentatively reached to meet his, and the kiss deepened.

Marcus’s hands slid down the wall and rested on her waist. Michelle reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her as he kissed her hungrily. He pulled back a little, still holding onto her waist. “Are you afraid now?” he asked, his voice throaty and deep as his hand wandered under the fabric of her shirt to feel her skin.

Michelle gave him a small smile. “No,” she told him. She let go of his neck and reached down for her the hem of her top. She pulled it off over her head and discarded it. Marcus was watching her face intently as she then reached for his shirt and slipped it off him. Slowly, she moved towards him, pressing her lips against his shoulder, biting gently at the skin that tasted so clean and felt so warm against her lips.

Reaching behind her, Marcus unhooked Michelle’s bra, and watched as she let it fall from her shoulders to the floor. He took in the half-dressed form and smiled, pleased to see that she smiled shyly back at him. Taking her face in his hands, he gently began kissing her again. He felt Michelle’s hands wander over his back, and ever so slowly, he slid one hand down the front of her chest, cupping her breast and rubbing her nipple with his thumb. He heard her let out a soft moan, and Marcus turned them both around, leading Michelle towards the bed. As her knees hit the end of the bed, he pulled back again. “Are you afraid now?” he asked nervously, looking into her eyes.

Shaking her head, Michelle disentangled herself from Marcus and sat down on the bed. “I’m not,” she whispered as she slid back on the bed until her head was on the pillows. Marcus nodded and moved to lie on top of her. He began kissing her again, moving his mouth over her jaw, her neck, her collarbone. As his mouth moved down, tasting her soft, sweet skin, Michelle closed her eyes and got lost in the moment.

Marcus was slow and gentle as he kissed her body, tracing damp trails over her chest and between her breasts before running the tip of his tongue over her nipple. He felt her body stiffen a little, and then he felt her hand bury into his hair, still wet from the shower. He took her nipple into his mouth, tracing its shape with his tongue and carefully scraping at it with his teeth, eliciting a small groan from Michelle. His mouth moved to her other breast, licking her nipple with the broadest part of his tongue and then blowing lightly on it, making her shudder beneath him.

As Marcus’s mouth moved down over her stomach and his hands began undoing her jeans, Michelle tried to push her fears out of her head. Yes, she was afraid. He had been right. But for once, she wasn’t going to let her fear take the better of her. She lifted her hips, helping Marcus to liberate her from her pants and underwear. He sank down between her legs, kissing her thighs and running his hands over her softly. As she felt his hot breath on her, and then his lips gently kissing her, she let out a groan. Marcus then began running his tongue over her slowly. She stiffened when it entered her, tasting her, and she gasped when it teased at her clit. She felt him begin sucking her expertly, and her head started getting fuzzy.

Michelle tasted sweet, and Marcus was enjoying this. Placing one hand on her stomach in a soothing gesture, he ran his tongue over her clit. He ran a knuckle from his other hand over her entrance, unable to ignore how wet she was getting. He let one finger slide inside her warmth as he continued using his mouth to play with her clit. His hand moved slowly and gently, and he had to stifle a chuckle when he finally removed his finger and mouth from her and she groaned with displeasure.

Always having been very comfortable with himself in sexual situations, Marcus was surprised to find himself at a loss. He was kneeling before Michelle, who was completely nude, while he was still in his jeans. It had all happened so quickly… and he hadn’t been with anyone in a very long time. For the first time in years, Marcus didn’t know what his next move should be. He looked at Michelle before him, her water-colored eyes watching him. She looked beautiful, all flushed and, for once, not on the offensive. He decided to take a chance.

Leaning over Michelle carefully, Marcus reached into the bedside table drawer. He nervously pulled out a condom, and knew he was blushing. Leaning back into his kneeling position, he held up the condom. “Do you want to do this?” he asked Michelle gently.

“I won’t answer that question,” Michelle smirked, her face flushed.

Grinning, Marcus looked down at her lying on his bed. “Are you afraid?” he asked softly.

“No, I’m not afraid,” Michelle said. Nervously, Marcus nodded. He slipped off his jeans and boxers, which was awkward and kind of embarrassing from his kneeling position. Michelle watched as he opened the wrapper, removed the condom and slid it over his erection. Then he lay down again, kissing her lips softly.

After a moment of getting comfortable, Marcus began kissing Michelle deeply and with desire. He reveled in the feeling of her naked body below his. It had been well over a year since he had slept with anyone, since he had gotten clean, and he was thrilled at the prospect of being with Michelle. He slid one hand down, positioning himself, and then raised himself up on his forearms so he could look at her. His body was straining as he allowed himself to quickly thrust into her.

Immediately, Marcus knew what had happened. Between the whimper that involuntarily came from Michelle’s lips, the feeling of extreme tightness around him, and the tears that had fallen from her eyes, he knew what was going on. “You didn’t tell me this was your first time,” he said quietly, his voice filled with remorse. “Sean said you had…”

Trying to smile even though she was in quite a bit of pain, Michelle’s tearstained cheeks turned pink. “I didn’t want anyone… I didn’t want you to know,” she admitted.

“I’m so sorry if I hurt you,” Marcus’s eyes were filled with concern. “Should I pull out?”

“No, please,” Michelle said genuinely. “No, I mean, we’ve already… I’ve already…” She paused, her cheeks growing even redder. “I don’t want my first time to end like this.”

Not knowing what to say, Marcus closed his eyes and lowered his head to kiss her softly. He waited until he felt her body relax a little below him before he lifted his head again to look into her eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked kindly.

Nodding, Michelle gave him a small grin. “I’m not afraid,” she said softly. She watched Marcus’s face as he began slowly moving. The gentle sliding of his body in and out of her didn’t hurt much anymore. Even though he still felt tight and uncomfortable inside her, it wasn’t anything like the pain that the first thrust had been.

Looking incredibly concerned, Marcus wouldn’t take his eyes off Michelle’s face. He hadn’t known; he really hadn’t. He felt awash with guilt, but at the same time, his body was being filled with waves of pleasure. He used no speed or hard movements. He just let himself glide slowly and naturally in and out of Michelle. Finally unable to ignore the delight his body was feeling, he lowered his head to her neck, gently kissing and licking her throat.

Running her hands over Marcus’s back, Michelle was enjoying certain parts of this experience. Of course, the worry and caring in Marcus’s eyes had made her feel much better. But it also felt good to have his body so close to hers, to feel his muscles under her hands as they tensed with desire and pleasure, to hear sighs and soft moans escape his lips. He was being so careful with her body, she could tell. As she felt him increase his pace nervously, she encouraged him by running her nails over his back. He continued at this rate for several minutes before she heard him let out a quiet groan. His body tensed, he stopped moving, and she could feel him inside her. It almost felt like a pulse, the way it was pumping.

Raising himself up on his forearms again, Marcus looked at Michelle with concern. “I’m really sorry,” he said softly. “I honestly didn’t know-”

“Sshh,” Michelle gave him a little grin. “I wanted to. I promise.”

Leaning down to kiss her gently, Marcus pulled himself from her in one quick movement. He sat up and slid off the condom, a sinking feeling in his chest when he saw a small amount of blood on it. Glancing over at Michelle, he could also see a tiny bit of blood on her thighs. He was about to lie back down next to her, but Michelle quickly sat up next to him. She kissed his cheek and climbed off the bed, picking up her clothing and heading towards the bathroom. “There are clean towels in the linen closet,” Marcus called after her nervously.

Getting dressed, Marcus ran his hands through his hair. This wasn’t at all what he had expected from his tutoring session today. Yes, he had wanted to kiss her. And yes, he had wondered what it would be like to have sex with her. But he hadn’t thought there was a chance it would happen, and it hadn’t even crossed his mind that she might be a virgin. He glanced at the picture of Catherine on his mirror and got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Catherine was the last girl whose virginity he had taken, and he had intended for it to stay that way. He already had enough guilt about Catherine. Now, he felt like he had taken advantage of Michelle, too.

Coming out of the bathroom fully dressed and cleaned up, Michelle wouldn’t meet Marcus’s eyes. “I should go,” she said, reaching for her purse.

“No, don’t,” Marcus begged, moving towards her. He stopped, though, when he saw her body tense. “Please stay and talk. Or… or let me take you to dinner. Or… please, Michelle, don’t leave.”

Tears were filling her eyes, but Michelle had no intention of letting Marcus see this. “I can’t stay,” she said, moving towards the door. “Just… just e-mail me your essay and I’ll let you know what I think.”

Michelle had already opened the door by the time Marcus could object. “Please, Michelle, I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’m sorry if I hurt you…”

Forcing herself to look up at Marcus’s concerned face, Michelle made herself give him a small smile. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” she insisted. “Really, you didn’t. I just have to go.”

With that, Michelle walked out, shutting the door behind her. Marcus stared at it for several minutes before sitting down on the bed and looking over at the picture of Catherine again. “Shit,” he said sadly to himself.

-----

“Why would you lie to me?” Sean asked Michelle gently. She was sitting on his bedroom floor, leaning up against the wall. Every time he tried to approach her, she shuddered and he pulled back.

“I don’t know,” Michelle wasn’t trying to stop the tears from running down her face. “I’m sorry, Sean. It’s just, even you had sex before me. You didn’t realize you were gay until junior year, and you had sex…” Michelle’s sobs were broken up by laughter, and Sean couldn’t help but grin.

“You were trying to fit in with me?” he asked incredulously.

“I guess,” Michelle seemed to understand the ludicrousness of this statement. “ But more than that… I just didn’t need anyone else telling me it was time to grow up, move on, go away. Come on, even my parents were pushing me to move away…”

“Your parents were encouraging you to follow your destiny… your great future,” Sean nervously moved towards Michelle. When she didn’t flinch, he sat down nest to her and slid his arm around her. “I’m not mad you lied… I just wish I had been a better friend. Someone you could tell the truth to…”

Pulling her head up, Michelle’s tearstained face was full of remorse. “You are the best friend anyone ever had,” she told Sean sincerely. “I just… I just…” Once again, she dissolved into sobs.

“Sshhh…” Sean tried to console her. “Come here,” he coaxed her into his arms, running his hands through her long hair. “Come on, quiet down Shell. It’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t ever speak to him again,” Michelle sobbed as she lifted her head.

“That’s not true-” Sean tried to convince her, but she cut him off.

“No, I can’t,” she wept. “Not ever. Promise me you won’t try to make me…”

Looking into his best friend’s frightened eyes, Sean had no choice but to agree. “Ok, I won’t try to make you,” he pulled her to his chest again. “It’s okay Michelle… Don’t worry…”

-----

Marcus had come to class early on Friday, hoping to speak to Michelle, since she had ignored his many calls during the week, but she came in after class had begun. This was the first time she had ever done that.

As the lecture ended, Michelle, who hadn’t so much as looked in Marcus’s direction, tried to quickly gather her belongings and escape the classroom, but she wasn’t fast enough. Marcus fell into step with her almost immediately. “I called you,” he said nervously. “A few times.”

“Yeah, I know,” Michelle wouldn’t meet his worried gaze. “I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you. I was just busy with schoolwork and stuff, you know.”

Reaching over, Marcus grabbed Michelle’s wrist and forced her to stop and face him. “Michelle, I don’t want you to be mad at me. I feel so guilty-”

“You don’t have anything to feel guilty about,” Michelle stared at the ground, and then looked up into his beautiful blue eyes, filled with concern. “Marcus, it was just sex. It’s not a big deal.”

“It was a big deal to me,” Marcus said softly.

“It’s not like you were the virgin in the situation,” Michelle tried to joke, but her throat was getting tight.

“Michelle, I haven’t been with anyone in a really long time,” Marcus told her softly. “Like, in a year and a half.” This surprised Michelle, and that was evident on her face. “When you said I was just like every other cocky arrogant bastard, you were right. I WAS. But I have been though a lot over the time since then, and I’m not that person anymore.”

Looking into his eyes, Michelle could tell Marcus was speaking from the heart. But still, she just couldn’t trust what he was saying. Or what her heart was saying. “This isn’t about you, Marcus,” she told him softly. “It’s about me.”

“You’re giving me the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line?” Marcus asked incredulously, but a smile was playing on his lips.

“I guess I am,” Michelle couldn’t help but smile a little, too. “Really though, Marcus, I can’t do this right now.”

“Are you afraid?” Marcus asked softly.

Nodding, Michelle admitted this. “I am,” she gave him a small grin. “I am afraid, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. So please,” her eyes filled with tears. “Please, just forget that anything ever happened. Please, you said you wanted to be my friend. As my friend, this is what I need from you.”

Marcus didn’t even get a chance to respond by the time Michelle spun around and walked away. He had an ache in his throat, and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to do anything else to upset Michelle, but there was something inside him that wouldn’t allow him to just forget that anything happened. He hadn’t felt anything like this in a very long time, but he knew clearly what this feeling was…

He was falling in love with her.