Guide to Dirty Talk
Slash
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From the guy- yeah, you get it.
Guide to Slash
It looks like I can do no wrong in the public's eye, so I
figured I'd come clean and tell you that everything I know comes from worldly
experience. With television. However, there are some things you just don't
learn from the flash box, hot man-love and hotter girl-love being a few of them
(unless you have Bravo and are watching Queer
as Folk). Still, trust me, as both a heterosexual male who's never been in
a three-way and an avid porn watcher, I think I understand the true mechanics
of slash and femslash alike. Let's take a look, bitch.
01) Lubrication?
NO NO NO NO. Do you know how disruptive it is to unload half
a tube of Astroglide into the eager behind of your best friend's older brother?
You might as well take a break to read the paper. Maybe you'll find an ad
promising to take care of the problem
you have. You know the one. Look, the
fact is that raw, unprepared insertion is about as hot as an ATM. If you're
really lucky, the unbridled pain might make your partner pass out and you can
have a damned good time with the rest of him.
02) Take care of your
nails
Real hardcore lesbians love to have six inch fingernails.
And they're curved like Pringles. Vaginal hemorrhaging is grade-A erotica.
That's all.
03) Know your
audience
As we all know,
there's only one type of same-sex relationship. You need A) a masculine brute
and B) a sissy fairy who may as well be a prepubescent girl with a schlong. Of
course, the exact same applies to femslash. Isn't gender-fucking fun
shudder to say these words) a seme or
an uke. DON'T FIGHT IT, DAMNIT. Look, just because you want to break the
mold by having a boyfriend who does carpentry with you or having a femme-chick
whose greatest skill is painting fingernails (which complements your stellar
fashion sense) doesn't mean you're allowed to hurt the slash community with your
logic. Here, write this down:
Lumberjack/Flower-arranger. It works no matter where you apply it.
04) Creativity
The penis is a one-act show, baby. Whether you're a lesbian
duo who's worn out the old double-dong or a strapping pair of fellows who've
also worn out the old double-dong, it needs to be said that there are plenty of
household objects just waiting to do
the job. Remember that broomstick I was talking about? Look. Asses love to be
plowed, and sometimes splinters bring a couple closer together. You know, in
the emergency room. Don't feel like strapping on the dildo just to find out
your girlfriend wants to call you "Charles" and will then
"Charlzine," even though your name is "Rebecca?" (See:
Guide to Dirty Talk.) I hear that a vacuum nozzle does the trick no matter
where you stick it. Here's a checklist of objects you can use:
[
There, isn't that better? Print it out and see what you've
got.
05) Exploit a massive
age gap
I know what you're thinking: duh, right. Because if it isn't painfully
obvious, every slashy pair these days is shouta or bust, especially since
consenting sex between two comparably aged dudes is just so monochromatic. If
you can't master at least 10 years of separation (bonus points if it's a
factor!) then you need to give up on your homogeneous sex credentials.
hetero-normative sex is boring (about as boring as two woman
thirteen-year old girls are proudly proclaiming their favorite yaoi/yuri
pairings, you have failed as a human.
Slash is a great way to get to know yourself and in some
states, it's a great way to get arrested. Isn't it nice to see how far we've
come as a society? As long as you follow these simple rules, you'll be a
sparkling example of stereotypical same-sex relationships. Uh, bitch.