Starting Over

Before the night had even really started, Catherine was apprehensive. She had rented movies, bought popcorn and candy, and had even gotten out her hair and nail accessories. She hadn’t had a sleepover since she was eleven.

Emma and Sandy arrived together, followed closely by Ivana and Allie. Everyone settled into Catherine’s room, but she noticed that they were taking in every detail.

“So, you like Collin Farrell?” Emma asked innocuously enough, pointing at a poster on her wall, but it still put Catherine on the defensive.

“Yeah,” she forced herself to smile. “I love the accent.”

It took some time, but everyone seemed to settle down eventually. Actually, the four other girls seemed completely comfortable with each other. Why shouldn’t they? They had all been friends for years. Catherine was the only outsider.

“Thanks for inviting us,” Emma told her graciously. “This is really cool.”

Not knowing what to do next, Catherine offered the girls a selection of videos. “I know what would make this more fun,” Sandy grinned, reaching into her bag and producing a bottle of wine. Catherine quickly slipped into the kitchen and grabbed a wine opener and some glasses. Her parents were upstairs in their room, watching television.

The girls watched half of the first movie while they shared Sandy’s wine. When it was emptied, Allie produced another bottle, surprising Catherine. “I thought you were the good girls,” she giggled, refilling her glass. “Okay, you guys may be comfortable, but I’m going to change.”

At the suggestion, everyone quickly slipped into their pajamas and got more comfortable. By the time the cheesy romantic comedy had ended, everyone was on their third glass of wine and feeling much more relaxed. Slipping into the kitchen again, Catherine grabbed a bottle of cheap white wine she knew her parents wouldn’t notice from the cabinet and slid back into the bedroom. The credits for the movie were rolling, but everyone was talking animatedly.

“So tell us about this secret guy you’ve been seeing, Allie,” Emma was saying as Catherine entered the room and settled herself down on the floor. Catherine was definitely tipsy; she didn’t drink anymore, so those three glasses of wine had immediately gone to her head.

“Well,” Allie replied from her spot on Catherine’s bed, pulling her knees up to her chest and grinning. “His name is Kevin. He’s the lighting guy for St. Anthony’s theater group.”

“So,” Ivana asked impatiently. “Are you guys dating, or what?” Catherine had noticed Ivana the first day of rehearsal. She didn’t really fit in with the other girls, what with her long blond hair and huge blue eyes. She was born in Czechoslovakia, when it was called that, but she’d lived in America from when she was six. And she was stunning.

Blushing, Allie shook her head. “Well, he’s not Darren,” she said sarcastically, speaking of Ivana’s boyfriend. “But… yeah, we’re dating.”

The other girls cooed, and Catherine felt warmth in her chest. “So, this is what girls our age are supposed to do,” she told herself, feeling good about being a part of the gossip.

“So what’s happened so far?” Sandy smiled at Allie.

Again, Allie blushed. “Well, actually, we met three months ago,” she admitted. “And it’s been… great.” She paused momentarily before continuing. “We’ve… gotten close.”

“How close?” Ivana asked, making her voice sound very dramatic and insinuating.

Biting her lip, Allie looked at her feet. “Um… close.”

As the other girls pealed in laughter, Catherine forced a grin on her face. She hadn’t the slightest idea what Allie actually meant.

“So have you guys…” Ivana let her words fade off, but her perfectly arched eyebrows rose high on her forehead.

“No,” Allie replied. “No, but we’ve… done stuff… I mean… some stuff.”

Again, everyone laughed, but Catherine joined in this time, finally figuring out where Allie was. She remembered what it felt like to explore, to push boundaries, to try new, scary, exciting endeavors.

“So, have you?” Ivana suddenly asked Catherine. “Had sex, I mean?” Her voice was so calm, Catherine didn’t know how to respond.

“Don’t mind Ivana,” Emma quickly interrupted. “She’s… European. She thinks we’re all out of our minds for not having sex all the time, even though she’s only been with Darren.”

“Darren’s all I need,” Ivana declared triumphantly, a pleased expression on her face. Everyone else broke into laughter.

As the giggling died down, Emma looked at Catherine more seriously. “You don’t have to answer, you know,” she told her kindly. “But, being the new cool girl from New York, I hope you don’t mind if we at least ask…”

Looking around at the group of curious but kind eyes, Catherine tried to figure out what she could say, without lying. “Well, I had a boyfriend for two years…” she began.

“Oh, do you have pictures?” Ivana immediately asked.

Nodding, Catherine pointed at a photo album on her bookshelf as she continued. “We met the summer before freshman year.” She bit her lip, the alcohol suddenly bringing forward a flood of memories as Ivana pulled down the album. “We met at the beach. My friends and I were heading into the parking lot, where there was an ice cream truck, and there were some boys there doing tricks on their skateboards.” Blushing, she continued. “And out of nowhere, this boy just rams into me hard, knocking me down.”

Everyone was staring at Catherine at this point, and she quickly poured herself another glass of wine. “I was so pissed off, but the boy jumped to help me up, and that was Marcus.” She paused as she remembered the moment. “He had this longish dark hair to about his chin, and these beautiful blue eyes. I didn’t know what to say to him.”

“Oh, my god!” Ivana suddenly exclaimed. “He’s gorgeous.”

Catherine leaned over to see what picture Ivana was looking at. It was from Catherine’s birthday her freshman year. A big group had gotten together to hang out on the beach, and someone had snapped a picture of Catherine and Marcus. They were sitting on a blanket, with Catherine seated between Marcus’s thighs, her back leaned against his chest. They were obviously both listening to someone talking outside the frame of the picture, and their faces were in profile. Catherine was smiling, and Marcus was laughing, his eyes shining brightly. She had always loved his laugh; it was strong and lively.

Ivana was right. The picture perfectly showed just how attractive Marcus was. The wind was blowing his hair from his face, showing his high cheekbones and even his small eyebrow ring could be seen. He was tan and relaxed looking. That’s how he had been during the first year of their relationship – beautiful, fun, arrogant. Catherine had adored him from the first time she laid eyes on him.

-----

“Are you okay?” The boy asked Catherine, putting his hands out to help her up. As she stood, he gave her a smile. “I’d say I’m sorry for knocking into you like that, but I’m actually not. I wouldn’t have gotten to meet you, otherwise. I’m Marcus.”

Trying not to blush at the beautiful boy’s cheesy line, Catherine managed to smirk. “Well, I’m glad to know that nearly killing me hasn’t hindered your ability to hit on strangers,” she told him.

Obviously liking her sarcastic humor, Marcus grinned. “Yeah, I think I’ll be able to do flirt with gorgeous girls after I’m dead,” he laughed. “It’s a gift.”

Biting her lip, Catherine studied the boy in front of her. He looked to be about her age, although he was much better looking than any boys in her school. “I’m Catherine,” she finally told him.

“Catherine. I like that,” Marcus told her.

“My parents will be so glad to hear that,” Catherine replied. “They were so concerned when they were naming me that one day a thug that assaulted their daughter in a parking lot wouldn’t like the name.”

“Oh, I’m not a thug,” Marcus smiled. “I’m really a nice guy.”

Raising her eyebrows, Catherine gave him a wary glance. “That’s yet to be determined,” she joked.

“Let me prove it,” Marcus told her. “My friend, Tim,” he motioned towards the group of boys skating behind him. “His parents are out of town this weekend, and we’re throwing a party on Saturday. Why don’t you come, and you can bring your friends.”

Catherine glanced back at the three girls, all staring enviously at her. Looking back at Marcus, she smiled. “Okay,” she agreed.

“Good,” Marcus grinned, fishing a cell phone from the pocket of his baggy jeans. “Let me get your number, and I’ll call you with the details later this week.”

With her heart beating so loudly in her chest that Catherine was sure Marcus could hear it, she tried to remain calm as she gave him her phone number. “So I’ll talk to you later, then,” Catherine tried to sound relaxed.

“You can bet on it,” Marcus told her. “And I am sorry for knocking you down.”

“As you said,” Catherine grinned at him. “I wouldn’t have gotten to meet you if you hadn’t.”

Turning back to her friends, Catherine quickly mouthed the words “Oh my God!” as she tried to walk normally away from him.

-----

“So what was he like?” Emma asked Catherine.

Pausing to choose what to say, Catherine couldn’t help but grin. “When we first met, he was so sure of himself, but in a really sexy way. He thought he was a bad-ass, cutting school, smoking pot, mouthing off.” She sighed. “But he just had a way about him… People always seemed to want to do whatever would please him. Even teachers. I guess it was just charm, but… I’ve never met anyone else that had that mix of attitude and charisma.”

“He sounds amazing,” Sandy smiled. “Did you guys go to the same school?”

“We had gone to different junior highs,” Catherine said. “But we went to the same high school together.”

-----

“I’m so glad you came,” Marcus said when he opened the door to the party. Catherine and her three friends, Jen, Trish and Michelle, had convinced Jen’s older brother to drive them there through blackmail. Jen’s parents were away on vacation, so they had no curfew, and they were all looking forward to the night.

“Thanks for inviting us,” Trish perked up.

“Well,” Marcus smiled at the girls, as he ushered them in. “There are already a ton of people here, there are drinks in the kitchen, and if anyone smokes, take it out back.” He looked at Catherine. “Can I show you something real quick?” he asked.

“That depends,” Catherine smirked.

Laughing, Marcus shook his head. “No, I’ll be a gentleman,” he promised, reaching for her hand. Looking over her shoulder at her friends, Catherine shrugged and let him lead her away.

Marcus led Catherine to the kitchen, where he grabbed two beer bottles before going out the back door, beckoning her to follow. It was a warm, beautiful night and people were clustered around outside in small groups. Marcus sat on a chair and motioned for Catherine to sit opposite him, and he handed her the beer. “I’m really glad you came,” he finally said. “I’ve been thinking about you all week.”

Glad that the darkness was hiding most of her blush, Catherine smiled at Marcus. “You really love those lame lines, don’t you?” she asked.

Studying her for a moment, Marcus shook his head. “That one wasn’t a line,” he said simply. “You’re not like other girls.”

“Okay,” Catherine smirked. “That IS a line.”

Chuckling, Marcus nodded. “I guess so,” he admitted. “But I mean it.”

Starting to relax, Catherine took a sip of her beer. She’d never really drank before, and it didn’t taste very good. “So you’re going to Hamilton High in fall, too?” she asked.

“Unfortunately,” Marcus replied. “But it’s only July, so I don’t want to think about school right now.” Reaching into his pocket, he produced a joint. “You smoke?” he asked.

“No,” Catherine told him. “Not my thing.”

“Do you mind…?”

“No, go ahead,” Catherine told him. She watched him light it and take a few puffs.

“Sorry, it just helps me relax,” Marcus explained. “And as cool and suave as I may appear on the outside, I’m actually feeling a little nervous talking to you.”

“Well, now you can relax,” Catherine said. They started talking, and the night flew by.

Eventually, Trish stumbled outside. “Jen’s making out with some guy, and Michelle’s puking,” she told Catherine.

“Oh, geez,” Catherine laughed. She looked over at Marcus. “I guess we should probably call Trish’s brother to pick us up soon.”

“Or you can crash here,” Marcus told her. “All of you. A bunch of people are.”

Looking over at Trish, Catherine saw her shrug. “I just have to call Shawn and let him know,” she said, wandering away and making the decision for them.

“So I guess you’re staying then,” Marcus smiled at Catherine, making her blush again.

Marcus and Catherine had gotten several more beers while they talked, and Catherine was beginning to feel lightheaded. “I don’t mean to seem like a loser,” she told him. “But I’m kind of feeling wasted. Since we’re staying here, would you mind if I found a place to go to sleep?” She was embarrassed to have to admit this, but she was afraid she was going to pass out soon one way or another.

Standing up, Marcus put out his hand to her. “I’ll show you,” he said. Catherine took his hand as he led her back through the house and up the staircase. He opened a door with a big “Do Not Enter or ELSE” sign on it. “This is Tim’s parent’s room,” he told Catherine, closing the door. “No one is supposed to come in here, but I think we can trust you.”

“I don’t know if I can say the same thing about you,” Catherine grinned.

“No,” Marcus shook his head and took a step towards her. “Probably not.” Feeling her heart rate increase, Catherine watched as Marcus moved closer to her. “You know, I really am glad you came tonight,” he told her softly. Reaching over, he pushed some hair off her forehead and leaned down slowly. Catherine closed her eyes and felt his lips meet hers. She had kissed a few boys before, but none had known how to kiss like Marcus. His mouth was strong and in control, his tongue gentle but firm. As he pulled back, Catherine opened her eyes and looked at him. His blue eyes were searching her face.

“That was really nice,” Catherine finally told him.

“And I’m going to assume that from your tone of voice, that’s where we’re leaving things tonight,” Marcus said. As Catherine blushed and nodded, Marcus gave her a smile. “No, that’s fine. I thought so, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.”

Catherine laughed. Marcus was so confident and cool. She didn’t know why he was interested in her, but he seemed to be.

“But do you mind if I sleep in here with you?” He gave her an innocent look. “I swear, I’ll keep my hands to myself. Mostly.”

Biting her lip, Catherine was surprised to feel herself nod. She couldn’t believe she had just agreed to sleep in a bed with a boy she had met that week, but for some reason, it was very hard to say no to Marcus.

They both slid off their shoes and climbed into bed in their clothes. Marcus leaned over and turned off the light, but the moonlight coming in through the window kept the room fairly brightly lit. “Come here,” he told her, and Catherine moved over to rest her head on his chest. “I want you to know that I really like you,” James whispered into her hair as his hand gently stroked her arm.

“I like you, too,” Catherine admitted.

“Good,” Marcus replied, making Catherine giggle. “Now, let’s get some sleep.”

“Okay,” Catherine said, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep for a long time. She heard sounds coming from the backyard, people talking and laughing, but mostly she concentrated on listening to Marcus’s heartbeat in his chest. Even after he stopped stroking her arm and his breathing evened out, Catherine lay there awake, feeling unbelievably happy.

-----

“So, you never really answered the question,” Ivana told Catherine. “Have you had sex?”

“Do you have to be so nosy?” Emma gave Ivana a disapproving look. “She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to.”

“Oh, but when I had sex,” Ivana shook her head. “Everyone had to know.”

“You didn’t tell us anything in particular,” Sandy reminded her. “You said, ‘We had sex. It was nice. We will be doing that often.’” Everyone cracked up as Sandy imitated Ivana’s mild accent and the haughty way she held her head up sometimes.

“Plus,” Allie added. “We’ve known you forever. Catherine just met us.”

Appreciating the way these girls were protecting her privacy, Catherine shook her head. “No, it’s okay,” she told them, feeling everyone turn to stare at her again. Even though they weren’t going to push her, they were excited by the prospect of being told. “I guess it’s embarrassing because… we didn’t wait long.” She was blushing wildly as she continued. “That picture from my birthday? That was the day after our first time.”

“What’s ‘not long’?” Ivana asked plainly.

“Less than three months,” Catherine admitted.

“That’s not really soon,” Allie offered. “I’ve been seeing Kevin for three months, and I’m considering it.”

“Yeah, but I guess I regard it a little differently,” Catherine explained. “I mean, I was still fourteen. I turned fifteen the next day, but when you’re that young… you usually wait longer.”

Nodding in understanding, Emma gave Catherine a small smile of support. “But you guys lasted for a long time after,” she reminded her. “So, you must have cared about each other.”

The topic was moving into territory that Catherine didn’t feel comfortable with, that being the last year of her relationship with Marcus, so she tried to get their attention away from it. “Yeah,” she said. “Plus, he was a year older than me – he’d gotten left back in seventh grade because he cut class so often, and he had already had sex… so it just happened one day.”

This definitely peaked the girls’ interest, Catherine noted contentedly. It was easy enough for her to talk about the early stages of her relationship with Marcus. She’d focus their attention on that time period. “Like I said, it was the day before my fifteenth birthday, and it was a Friday…”

-----

Catherine had come home from school with Marcus, which she had been doing pretty frequently since they had started high school the month before. They grabbed some sodas and a bag of chips from the kitchen and sat down on the sofa to watch television. It was very relaxing, to have some time alone with Marcus. At school, he was generally surrounded by a large group of people, and on weekend nights, they went out. The hour between when they got home from school and when Marcus’s mother got home from work was their only real time alone.

The phone rang, and Marcus answered it. “Yeah, Mom, that’s fine,” he said, giving Catherine a little smile. “No, I’ll make myself something. You have fun. Yeah, you too.” Catherine tried not to smile when she heard him reply to his mother’s “I love you,” but it was too cute.

“Looks like it’s just us tonight,” Marcus said, a grin on his face. “Mom’s got a date.”

Although Catherine loved spending time with Marcus, the tone of his voice was making her a little nervous. “Well, we’re still supposed to meet everyone at Denny’s later, right?” she asked.

“Yeah, but not until eight,” Marcus replied. Sliding his arm around her, he pulled her towards him. “So just some time for us now.”

Catherine relaxed as Marcus turned toward the television again. He was flipping through channels, barely staying on any one program for more than a few seconds. “There’s nothing on,” he told her. “I have some movies up in my room…”

Unable to keep from giggling, Catherine looked at Marcus. “That is a really lame excuse to try to get me to come up to your bedroom,” she told him.

“Yeah, it is,” Marcus smiled back. Slowly, he leaned down and started kissing Catherine. “So is it better to tell you the truth?” he asked as he pulled back. Catherine felt a knot in her stomach, but she nodded. “Okay, I want you to come up to my bedroom so I can try to seduce you.”

Marcus was smiling a little, but Catherine knew he was serious by the tone of his voice. “You want to… now?” she managed out. Without missing a beat, Marcus just nodded. “Doesn’t it seem a little… soon?”

“Catherine,” Marcus said, using the voice he used when he was convincing people of things. “I don’t want to push you into anything, but I don’t see why we don’t. I like you, you like me. And it’s not that big a deal.” Seeing a shadow cross Catherine’s face, he corrected himself. “I mean, it is a big deal, your first time, our first time together. But once you’ve done it, you’ll know what I mean. It just seems… natural to want to be that close to someone you really care about.”

With her resolve weakening, Catherine looked at Marcus. He was so good-looking. He still had a light tan, his eyes were sparkling and a few pieces of his hair kept falling into his line of vision. Once school had started, Catherine had also realized just how popular he was at his old school. Boys were constantly greeting him, and girls flirted relentlessly and gave Catherine dirty looks. She was continuously afraid that he was going to get bored with her sooner or later, but he always seemed so happy to see her. Maybe this would help her to feel less nervous about losing him…

“Okay,” Catherine said.

“Really,” Marcus responded, seeming surprised, but he recovered quickly. “Okay, let’s go upstairs.”

-----

“Let me just say upfront,” Catherine told the girls. “Never have sex with a guy because you think it will make you LESS afraid of losing him.”

“But was it okay?” Allie asked shyly. “The sex itself? Did it hurt?”

Catherine carefully chose certain details to tell the girls, explaining that for her, it did hurt and she did bleed, although neither occurrence would necessarily take place for other girls. Then she explained that the second time wasn’t bad at all, just a little uncomfortable. And how, after a while, it stopped hurting at all and started feeling good.

“See,” Sandy said, looking at Ivana triumphantly. “That’s how you explain sex.”

Everyone burst into giggles again, and Catherine felt good. She felt like she was a part of something regular and normal. She was just a teenage girl sitting around with her friends, sneaking some wine and talking about boys and sex.

Not wanting to be outdone, Ivana began to talk about her first experience with Darren. This gave Catherine time to think more about that afternoon with Marcus.

-----

Closing the door behind them, Marcus took Catherine’s hands in his. “This is going to be a good thing,” he assured her, kissing her lips softly. “You’ll see.”

Nodding, Catherine followed him to the bed and sat down next to him. Marcus began kissing her softly, running his hands over her shoulders and down her arms. “You should lie down,” he whispered to Catherine, and she did what he asked.

Pulling his shirt over his head first, Marcus climbed between Catherine’s legs and lay down on top of her. He was kissing her gently, occasionally moving his mouth to her neck, and running his hand over the front of her shirt. “We should take this off you,” he told Catherine.

Feeling completely under Marcus’s power, Catherine nodded and leaned up while the pulled her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra, tossing them onto the floor. Her cheeks were burning; she had never been topless in front of a boy before. But Marcus was whispering soothing compliments to her, telling her how beautiful she was and how lucky he was to have her.

After a few minutes of tender kisses and caresses, Marcus pulled himself up to his knees and began to undo Catherine’s jeans, sliding them off along with her underwear. He told her not to worry, that he had condoms, as he took off his own pants, awkwardly removing them while still kneeling on the bed. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a foil packet before tossing his jeans and boxers to the floor.

Catherine had never seen a guy naked, but she curiously peeked at Marcus as he opened the package and removed the condom, sliding it onto himself. He lay back down, situating himself between Catherine’s thighs and kissing her lightly before reaching between them. With her heart racing, Catherine felt him pressing into her. Marcus’s eyes were now locked with hers, and she tried to give him a small smile as he rocked his hips, trying to enter her. Having absolutely no experience in this department, Catherine’s body was being resistant.

Finally, Marcus managed to fit inside her. It hurt Catherine pretty badly; Marcus’s erection felt like a painful intrusion. His body didn’t seem to fit with hers like it should, but she bit her lip to stop herself from saying anything.

Marcus didn’t seem to notice anything wrong, though. He began a rhythm of rocking in and out of her. His eyes were still locked on hers, so Catherine forced herself to give him a smile. “There you go,” he whispered as he moved. “Doesn’t this feel good?” Biting her lip, Catherine nodded at him. He seemed so happy, and she didn’t want to ruin that. But all Catherine kept hoping was that it would be over soon.

After a few more minutes, Marcus closed his eyes and began moving a little faster. He pressed his lips to Catherine’s, kissing her hard, and suddenly moaned into her mouth. His body stopped moving, and he opened his eyes. “See?” he smiled at her. “That wasn’t so scary, was it?”

Marcus pulled out of Catherine and slid off the condom, tossing it into the wastebasket and laying back. “Come here,” he told her, as he had the first night they had slept in the same bed. Catherine obliged, putting her head on his chest. This part, Catherine liked. They were intertwined, lying silently together as Marcus stroked her arm. All Catherine could think about was how she hoped she would never lose him.

“I’m going to use the bathroom,” Catherine said after a few moments. She rose shyly, halting when she looked at the bed. “Oh, God.”

Glancing down at what Catherine was looking at, Marcus saw that there was a little spot of blood on the sheets. “It’s okay,” he told her calmly. “That’s normal.” Nodding, Catherine nervously put her clothes back on and headed towards the bathroom. She didn’t want to think about how Marcus knew that bleeding the first time was normal.

-----

As Ivana finished her flourished story of romance and sex, Emma glanced over at Catherine. She seemed to be thinking about something seriously.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked her quietly.

Looking up, Catherine was surprised to see Emma. She had been so lost in her memories, she’d forgotten where she was. “Sorry,” she blushed. “All this talk about Marcus has me running pictures through my head.”

“So did you guys have to break up because you moved?” Emma asked sympathetically.

Not knowing what to say in response, she was glad when Ivana interrupted them. “You know who he looks like,” she said, turned the photo album around to show everyone. “Imagine him different… with no eyebrow ring, without the longer hair, in preppier clothes…”

“He’d look a lot like James DeLuca,” Allie figured out. “A LOT.” All the girls turned towards Catherine, who was blushing again. “So, is that why you’re hanging out with James? Because he reminds you of your ex-boyfriend?” She sounded almost hopeful.

Shaking her head, Catherine denied this. “No, I was probably originally attracted to James because of how much he looks like Marcus,” she admitted. “But, I hang out with him because… he’s funny and surprisingly sweet. Does everyone here hate him?”

“I don’t,” Ivana said simply. “He’s friends with Darren.”

Exchanging uncomfortable glances, the three other girls all shrugged. “I don’t hate him,” Emma said. “I just don’t trust him. He’s arrogant, and he uses girls.”

Nodding, Catherine willed herself to not get defensive about James. “He is one cocky son of a bitch,” she laughed, lightening the mood of the room a little. “But he’d be the first to admit it. And he told me about his past.” She didn’t know what she was trying to express. “And we’re really… just friends. Basically.”

“Basically?” Ivana smirked. “What does ‘basically’ just friends mean?”

“No, I think we’ve all heard enough about my personal life tonight,” Catherine deflected the question. “Someone else talk.”

Thankfully, Emma immediately picked up the cue and began asking Allie questions about Kevin. Sitting back and listening to the girls talk, Catherine thought about what she had shared with these four new friends. It was easy enough to think back to the first year with Marcus; back then he had seemed sweet and safe and loving. It wasn’t until the following summer that things had started to go wrong – or that Catherine had at least begun to notice. And that was something Catherine didn’t want to think about right then.