I Hate Loneliness but it Loves Me

You ever get that feeling that you’ve been asleep for days, but its only been a few hours? Great, because at the moment, I felt the complete opposite. I sat up in the hospital bed, and the first thing I noticed was my arm in a cast, and needles prodded into me. I hate needles.

“Kathryn Carver, you are one lucky young lady. Your whole arm could’ve been ripped off, and you’re responding well to the rabies treatment we gave you.” The doctor said, and I could tell he was telling the truth because normally doctors act really weird around sick people. They’re more precautious about what they say, and what they wear in the room. But this guy was talking up a storm like I had just come back from the dead or something, and it was time for a celebration. The next thing he said, however, made me feel winded.

“If your friend hadn’t carried you here, you would’ve been dead.”

Don’t get me wrong. Its not the “would’ve been dead” part that scared the living shit out of me. It was the fact that up until the doctor said anything, I was unaware there was anyone else but me in this room. I turned my head to the corner to see Avery sitting there with a smile on her face. But it wasn’t one of relief. It seemed like it was more of a smirk of pride. What was she proud of? That she saved my life? Did I owe her some huge debt now? Because if that was the case, I’d find the animal who bit me and would pay it money to rip my face off this time.

The doctor left the room, and I watched the woman in the corner stand up and walk over to me. “I’m so glad you’re safe, Kat. I stumbled upon you in the woods and you were bleeding pretty badly. I hope you’re ok now.”

I let out a scoff. “When I get out of this bed, I should be fine. Sure, I’m hurt, and in a hospital . But it’s weird. I feel like I could run a marathon right now.”

The expression on her face drastically changed, and I swear if she could smile any wider, it’d go past the diameter of her head.

“Oh? So how does this make you feel?” She lifted up the blanket, showing my gown.

“How does wh--”

I paused. I had to. Words had left me. Her hand was on my knee, and it slowly started rising little by little, up my leg, onto my inner thigh. I swallowed hard, looking down and realizing under this gown I was naked.

That didn’t stop her. In fact, it only seemed to make it easier on her as her index and middle finger plunged into me, making me gasp and arch my back off the bed. I felt something I had never felt before. It felt like something inside of me was growing; and for a moment, I saw in black and white. Her eyes came into contact with mine, and again, she had that sly smile that was so cold it could make anyone freeze in their tracks. She pulled her fingers out and pressed a soft kiss to my lips.

“You taste better than I imagined…” Avery whispered in my ear, tongue running from the lobe to where my cartilage earring rested.

This was not the timid girl I had rescued a few mornings ago. What the hell was going on?

She pulled away from me just in time; at that very moment, Mandy appeared, tears in her eyes.

“Kat! Oh my God, are you ok?”

The confusing girl next to me scoffed. “She’s in a hospital bed, of course she’s not ok.”

“Excuse me, who the hell are you?” Mandy asked. She wasn’t in a pissed off mood. Ever. Even when people made fun of her, she kept her cool. When her brother broke his leg two years ago, and some kid in school purposely tripped him, she still didn’t fly off the handle like any other person would’ve. But for some reason, this girl, Avery, made her blood boil. And I could easily see that.

“Avery. Avery Thompson.”

I noticed something. It usually takes me a good while to pick up on things, but this I noticed very quickly. Avery changed. It managed to happen when she first saw me. And I really don’t know why. She was this girl who cowered in the face of Amber, and in the face of someone she didn’t even know. Then I protected her, and after that, she seemed to not only protect me, but her demeanor changed too.

“And who are you to ask me who I am? What do you care anyway?” I wanted to stop this, quickly. It was taking a toll on me to see the two of them fighting.

“Mandy. I’m Kat’s best friend, I don’t need to tell you anything else.”

This time, I did finally say something. “Ok, that’s enough. Please. Avery, Mandy was just concerned for my safety. She is my best friend. If you respect me, respect her. And Mandy, Avery took me to the hospital after I was hurt. I’m fine anyway. I just want to go home. Or back to school, or wherever, I don’t care. But I don’t want to be in a hospital bed.”

Avery nodded. “I’ll get the doctor.”

I could tell Mandy wanted to object, and wanted me to probably stay in the hospital longer, but I shook my head and protested softly. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine, really.”

“Kat, you’re my best friend. The only best friend I’ve ever had. You’re in no shape to go back to school, home, or anywhere.”

“School, huh? Oh, by the way, you were trying to tell me something at school but the bell rang. What was it?”

Her cheeks reddened and she shook her head. “Its nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“C’mon, Mandy. You can tell me. I’m not going to make fun of you or anything.”

She let out a sigh. “It’s not like that. And its nothing, like I said. We have to focus on you getting better anyway.”

“Fine, but you know you could tell me anything, and I wouldn’t ever judge you.”

Her smile was off a little, and she nodded her head. “I know. Thank you.”

We both were silent after that.

Soon Avery arrived with the doctor, and I signed the forms which enabled me leave.

Avery said she had to leave, and when Mandy wasn’t watching, she managed to kiss me goodbye. I don’t know what attracted her to me to the point where her hand was down my…Well, I wasn’t wearing any pants, but its still the same notion.

Mandy was the one who drove me home, and she was quiet the whole way there, until we arrived at my apartment.

“Listen, Kat, I don’t know this girl. And you don’t know her either. Just, be careful, ok? Promise me that?”

What was she getting at? I was going to be careful. I know I was. Avery wasn’t dangerous at all. At least that’s what I told myself over and over again.

After saying goodbye and walking inside, I closed the door, looking around my lonely apartment. I had a cast around my arm, sling holding it up. The doctor said I should keep it elevated in case of anything. I was going to take any precautions necessary to avoid going back to the hospital. I lived alone, and those medical bills weren’t something I needed to worry about.

It had been about more than a day since I’d eaten. Stupid hospital food was gross, and I didn’t even want to put it in my mouth. I walked over to the fridge and searched for something to eat. Opening the freezer door, I was looking around, thinking of making some frozen food in a cardboard box, or something along the lines of that. But then something in there caught my eye. It was the steak I had been saving for a good occasion. I took it out and put it on a plate. I guess this was a good occasion? I was alive, right?

I put the meat on a plate, intent of cooking it.

For a while, I stared at it. My heart seemed to speed up in my chest, and I felt a few beads of sweat running down the side of my face. Finally, the anticipation was too much, and I picked up the steak and took a bite.

I ate it raw.

I was hooked after that one bite. I never knew raw meat tasted this good. I practically started throwing out foods in the freezer to find the raw meat and raw chicken stored in the back for safe keeping. I ate that too. Didn’t even bother to cook it.

After I finished my meal, I looked in the freezer for more. There wasn’t any. I had eaten the one steak, three cutlets, and two whole strips of pork.

I felt disgusted and sick. It had to be from eating that raw meat. But it wasn’t my stomach that was feeling that way. It was my whole body. M body felt hot in some places, and freezing in others. For a moment, I could hear the fly around the room buzzing, smell the next door neighbor’s cooking and when I looked outside, I was suddenly aware of every star in the night sky.

My mind was in a frenzy, my heart continued to race, and I felt like I could run from my home to across the country in two seconds flat.

I did everything possible. It finally ended when I went to bed and sat there for a moment beforelaying down, my body begging to just jolt up. I somehow managed to shake off the feeling and was able to fall asleep moments later. School was going to be hell tomorrow. I had to go back though. For some reason, I had to see Avery again.