What We Are

I suppose it is normal for teenage boys to think about their sexuality. I didn’t start thinking about it until it confronted me in the form of a rather pretty girl in my math class. Her name is Bethany and she has bright green eyes and dark brown hair that hung in waves around her face. She had a nice smile that still couldn’t compare to Ryan’s bright grin that showed off all his teeth or Remmy’s soft little smile that made the corers of his eyes crinkle. Still she did have a nice smile and it was real and pretty and reached her eyes.



She approached me at the end of math class. I had spoken to her casually a few times and we had a nice albeit rather distant relationship. I acknowledged her and she did the same for me. I would offer her help if she asked for it and I trusted she would do the same. But I hadn’t expected her to ask of me what she did.



“Felix,” she said. She was twirling a lock of hair around a finger and gripped her books tightly. She looked nervous and I didn’t know why. I gave her my patient attention. “I was wondering… uh… would you like to go out with me sometime, maybe… maybe watch a movie or something.”



I looked at her, eyes wide, kind of shocked. I wasn’t the kind of kid who got asked out by girls, not at 15. I wasn’t a complete recluse or a dork or at the bottom of the social scale. I was just average, sort of quiet, kind of shy. I didn’t attract attention, good or bad. I was very ill prepared for this. It just didn’t occur to me that I would need to know what to do if a girl asked me out.



I was silent for a long moment. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I never talked about girls or dating with the twins or with my mother and I talked to my mother about everything relevant in my life. She was my family, my only family (besides the twins who were family in a different sense) since my dad left and she was my confidant. I was at a loss.



“Uh… Beth… I don’t…” I couldn’t even string together a real sentence.



“Oh,” she said. She sounded disappointed, hurt and rejected. I immediately felt guilty. I didn’t want to hurt her, I just didn’t want to date her. She started to turn to walk away.



“Bethany,” I called after her, she looked at me, sadness etched in her face. “We can be friends you know… you want to come over to my house sometimes… we could study or hang out or some combination thereof.” I felt considerably less awkward with the prospect of turning her into a real friend and I was really trying to salvage her feelings.



She actually smiled when she nodded. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that. It was the end of a disaster.



But that encounter made me think and consider what it was that made me turn Bethany down. I knew that at 15 I was supposed to be thinking about girls and kissing them or dating them or maybe having sex with them. It was a normal thing for a teenage boy to do. I knew about being gay to and I wondered if Bethany being a girl was what turned me off or if it was simply that I id not really know her.



My thoughts plagued me for the rest of the day and when I went skateboarding with the twins after school I was distracted. We lay in the field after an appropriate amount of wipeouts, our heads bumping together, looking up at the clouds.



“Guys,” I said to them after long moments of silence. The twins and I didn’t talk much. We didn’t really need to. We had the ability to exist very comfortably in silence. We chatted when we wanted to, talked about important things and unimportant things but we could pull off silence very well.



“I think I’m gay.” I didn’t really think much of this confession because I shared everything with the twins and the idea of them ostracizing me for this didn’t occur to me. It was ridiculous. They didn’t say anything for a few seconds. It was Ryan who broke the silence.



“Why?” It was a very Ryan –like question. He had the curiosity of a child and it wasn’t enough for him to accept things most of the time. He liked to know the thought process behind decisions and the reasons for things.



Later, when I knew about him and Remmy and what they did together I would wonder why Ryan let it exist for so long with out confrontation. I would have my ideas and theories but even Ryan himself didn’t know the answer.



“I got asked out today by this girl in my math class. Bethany. I turned her down.”



“Maybe you’re just not into her,” Remmy stated reasonably. I knew, because I knew Remmy, that he wasn’t trying to make excuses for me or turn me straight. He was just offering up an explanation to help me figure things out. That’s what Remmy did. “It doesn’t mean you’re gay, you just don’t like her.”



“I’ve been thinking about it,” I explained to them, still looking at the clouds, not embarrassed or ashamed at all. This was the twins after all. “I don’t really think about girls much…. I don’t think about boys much either but girls…. They’re different… they’re nice but they’re different and I’m not sure I’d ever like one as anything other than a friend.”



They were quiet for a moment. This time Remmy spoke. “Okay…. Think about this for a minute… say Ryan was a girl.” Ryan made a sound of protest but said northing. “He’s still Ryan with all his quirks and personality but he’s a girl. Now would you rather kiss me or Ryan.”



I thought about it. I thought about my two best friends. Ryan with his loud mouth, grabby hands and silly antics like painting stars on his body for the hell of it and wanting to get ice cream at 2 in the morning. I adored the guy. He was sweet in his own way, unique and wonderful. I thought about him having brests and girl parts. I thought about holding onto his curves and kissing him. It was an odd thought. He was Ryan but with a foreign body, a strange body, something unfamiliar and not very desirable.



I thought about Remmy with his slim frame and blond hair. I thought about holding onto him and it was a more stable thought. He was reasonable and bookish and quiet. I thought about kissing him and it was a more pleasant thought. I would be less unaware of what to do. I would know him better.



“You,” I told Remmy. Ryan made another sound of protest which I ignored.



“You’re gay,” Remmy said simply and Ryan made a sound of agreement.



In that way my sexuality was settled. I told my mother later and she smiled and asked if I wanted to go to GBLTQ meetings or if I wanted her to join PFLAG and march in parades or get a bumper sticker or silly stuff like that. I turned everything down and she hugged me.



Later, when I was sleeping over at Remmy and Ryan’s house they told me they were gay, They said “We’re gay,” in unison like they had rehearsed it. I smiled and really that was all there was to it.



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Several weeks after the Orgasm (named as such by Ryan of course) things changed again. Rubbing off against each other replaced kissing as their new thing but then they found each other’s cocks. They were awkward and fumbling but Ryan stuck his hand into his twin’s pajama pants and Remmy gasped loudly into Ryan’s mouth. Ryan swallowed up the sound. He pushed Remmy’s pants down and started jerking his brother off, slowly and not very skilled. It was interrupted with constant questions like “Is this okay” and “Do you like that” that was more inquires into his performance rather than attempts at talking dirty.



Remmy always gave him a positive response and after he came he returned the favor. Jerking each other off became their new things for a while.



Awkward, frightened and without his twin, Ryan purchased lube from a grocery store. He took the fist bottle that looked like it would serve its purpose and handed the money to the cashier without looking her in the eye. He was embarrassed and hid the bottle in his sock drawer. It didn’t make an appearance for almost a month after he bought it.



“Hey,” he said into the darkness on night. Their parents wee asleep and the twins were doing little more than kissing. “Can I try something.”



Remmy nodded, willing to do anything for his twin. He didn’t have to think about it at all. Ryan padded over to the dresser quickly before he lost his nerve and fished the little bottle out from his sock drawer. He returned to his brother and showed him the bottle. Knowing what was coming, Remmy nodded.



Ryan pulled his brother’s pants down, breathing heavy with anticipation. He heart was pounding in his chest from the nerve. He uncapped the bottle and poured some of the liquid onto his finger, wincing from the cold. He took a deep breath to steady himself and trailed a finger down along his brother’s crack. He had read about this on the internet and knew vaguely what to do. Remmy gasped softly when Ryan pushed a single digit past the first of muscle into his hole.



It was uncomfortable at first and Ryan didn’t really know what to do except move his finger in and out, flexing it and wiggling it experimentally, seeing what he could do to make this feel good for his brother. He added a second finger and Remmy squirmed. Ryan crooked his finger and pressed and Remmy turned his head into his pillow and moaned. Ryan was elated, all trace of fear gone. He had found what he was looking for.



He experimented with this, pressing his fingers gently and thn more rouchly into that spot, rubbing it and prodding it. Remmy was a squirming mess under him, writhing and biting back moans. Ryan thought it was utterly beautiful.



“Ry,” Remmy gasped out after short minute. “Ry…” He was moaning.



“Do it,” Ryan instructed and Remmy came over both of them.



They didn’t have se that night (they would later, but not that night) but Remmy jerked his twin off and they fell asleep tangled together, sated and nervous of what to come but utterly happy.