Dreamers

On Tuesday, I planned on going to AOY in between classes. The Alliance for Orlando Youth was a group that I had found while searching on the internet for LGBT youth groups in the area. The group consisted of about fifteen to twenty kids, usually ranging in age from 14 to 22, and a few adult supervisors. We met up once a week in the lobby of a Real Estate office since the AOY couldn’t yet afford its own space. Generally when we would get together, we would speak about issues that were important to the LGBT community, or someone would come up with their own topic, like bullying or about how difficult it was to start up a Gay-Straight Alliance at their high school. I hardly ever spoke at the meetings. I thought that perhaps this meeting might be a good time to speak up.

The guys didn’t know about AOY. Well, Gabe did, obviously. But the others didn’t. They knew that I went to meetings on Tuesdays, but they didn’t know what they were for. I called it “Group” around them, and that was all. After the first class ended, they started discussing dinner plans, since we had a four-hour break until our next class started. “Where do you want to eat, Lani-Face?” Sven asked me.

“I have Group tonight,” I said, packing my things.

“Oh, that’s right. Well, have fun with that.” He turned back to the others and continued to debate restaurants.

“See you guys,” I waved as I walked out. I honestly don’t know what I was so afraid of. I could just have easily told the guys and they would have been totally fine. I mean, it wasn’t as if any of them were ridiculously conservative or fundamentally religious or anything like that. None of them had a problem with homosexuality. In fact, Sven came directly from Sweden, a very progressive country; and he had mentioned on a number of occasions how a lot of the people there just considered themselves bisexual anyway.

The worst that could possibly happen would be Danny saying, “Yeah, I knew it all along,” and giving me that cynical, knowing smirk that he reserved for our mental boxing matches, Brian putting his arm around my shoulder and giving me an endless, fatherly speech about trying things out and working through your feelings, and Bob saying, “hot.”

I just realized I wasn’t ready to start telling people yet. I had never actually come out and said to anyone that I was… bisexual? It had never happened. Gabe had come to me. Had just happened to mention that he was a little less than straight. I had thrown my arms up and almost shouted, “THANK GOD.” And then, “me too.” But the words had never escaped my lips. Even at AOY, I had just shown up, and sat down, and no one had asked me. I could just exist there and let it be known.

It turned out that we had a full schedule of things to talk about at AOY. Rabbit, who was usually the one to bring up her own topics, was up in arms about her school not allowing her to bring a female date to her homecoming dance. People began relating with similar tales of unwilling Principals, refusals from School Boards, protests, debates, tears, drama, the works. I sat there silently for an hour.

When time was up, everyone decided to go to our favourite Mexican restaurant across the street. Once the food had come and people were settled in eating, I decided to go around to the end of the table where Aven, Maribel, and Tanya were sitting. Out of the whole group, I knew these three surely to be lesbians. Aven asserted this kind of cool, confident air that made her almost unapproachable and at the same time very agreeable. I had at first been almost turned off by this attitude, mistaking it for cockiness, but had later had several conversations with her and had realized that she was a very down-to-Earth person.

I kneeled down at the table in between Aven and Tanya, and said hello. “I have a sort of strange, silly question that you may or may not be able to answer.”

“Okay,” Aven said, smirking a bit.

“Okay. Well. Here’s the deal. So. I have excellent gaydar when it comes to guys- like, I can pretty much 100% of the time tell whether or not a guy is gay. But I have absolutely no gaydar with girls. So, can you guys tell with girls? Like, are there ways to tell?”

“Oh, yeah, I can tell,” Maribel said.

“Yeah, definitely. There are ways that you can tell,” Aven agreed. “I’m usually pretty accurate. Like, you’re straight, right?” she asked me.

I hesitated. “I… I don’t think so,” I said.

“Oh shit, really?” she looked confused.

“I don’t know what I am…” I tried to smile, but I had an empty pit in my stomach and my head was filled with static.