The Disgust in Their Voices

It might sound rather corny, but I fell in love with him at the moment he stepped into the classroom. Second term had started, and this was a entirely new subject to us. We did not know who he was. His name was all we knew. Mr. Llewellyn. We really had no idea who or what we could expect.
But the moment he came in, I was sure most of the female students actually thought he was quite a handsome bloke. I did.
Over the weeks, I began to fancy him very badly. A crush turned out into attached feelings. Just fancying someone isn’t that bad. But my crush became for real. His behaviour wasn’t helping. He seemed to have noticed my taste of music, and he could not help but make cheeky comments about that every class. I didn’t mind though. I loved his attention!
I had soon noticed it wasn’t a normal crush. I was really in love with him. I thought of him all the time and I was always looking forward to his classes. He taught us twice a week, on Wednesday and Thursday. I always felt rather sad on Thursday evenings. It meant I had to wait another week before I could see him!
It could have been my obsessive mind, but I often thought he sought my attentions. When I had to do a test, I often peeked up to look at him. He was often looking at me, and when he noticed me looking back, he would look down, staring at his desk and rolling his pen between his fingers.
Two weeks passed and when I was standing on the platform of the underground, waiting for the train to take me to the station, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up and the air was pushed out of my lungs. He was standing there, a huge grin on his face. I took my iPod’s earplugs out of my eyes and the biggest smile appeared on my face.
‘Going to the station?’ he asked me. I nodded. ‘So am I,’ he told me. ‘Where do you live?’
‘Croydon,’ I had told him. He nodded. I knew he lived in Wandsworth – he had told that to the class.
‘Mind if I sit with you?’ he asked as we got into the train and he sat down next to me, not even waiting for my reply. I nodded. Of course I didn’t mind him sitting next to me! My body shuddered slightly as we sat cramped on the small bench, our legs touching.
In the beginning, we hardly talked. I was too shy and I really had no idea what to talk about. It was he who often asked how I was doing at school and I would talk. There were so many things I wanted to ask him: what his favourite music was, what kind of movies he liked and maybe most importantly, if he had a girlfriend.
That question was answered in class a few weeks later.
‘Are you married?’ Dianne has asked.
‘No I’m not,’ he answered. I wasn’t surprised. I hadn’t seen him wear a ring or anything. I knew that didn’t have to mean he wasn’t, but it was common to wear one.
‘Do you have a girlfriend?’
‘Not at the present moment,’ he had answered, a bit impatiently as he opened his books. He tried to start teaching but the class kept asking inappropriate questions.
‘Why don’t you have a girlfriend?’
‘I just don’t,’ he had said. ‘Could we please move on?’
‘Are you seeing someone?’
‘No,’ he sighed, trying to find ways to get the class working again.
‘Any secret crushes?’
He hadn’t answered this question. He had raised his voice and started to read the first exercise. The class went silent and the lesson continued.
That evening, I sat with him in the tube again. I had felt rather bad about my classmates asking him such questions. I knew it was their nature to be like that: curious and always fond of hearing the newest gossips. I felt I had to apologize.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said after a long silence.
‘What for?’ he asked me with one raised eyebrow.
‘About today’s class – I feel embarrassed the class asked such personal questions.’
He chuckled. ‘It’s something you have to get used to as a teacher,’ he said. ‘They’re not the first to ask.’
I nodded, but I still fell rather bad for him. If I was a teacher, I wouldn’t like it if my students asked such questions, mostly because of the lack of relationship in my life.
‘I really feel I have to apologize.’
‘No, really, it doesn’t matter.’ Dan assured me. ‘It didn’t hurt me.’
‘But I just don’t feel comfortable when they do that,’ I said and I was slightly confused that I was telling him about any of my ‘feelings’. ‘It’s none of our business and I think you shouldn’t tell them such things.’
‘Well, I don’t want to be closed off,’ he told e. ‘And I really don’t care.’
‘You really don’t?’ I asked in disbelieve. ‘Personally, I would hate it if my students knew a lot about me. It could be a weak point.’
‘Well, maybe I sometimes think it had been better if I’d shut my mouth. But I don’t want to be bothered by them all the time. If I just answer, they won’t keep asking it.’
‘That’s not how girls work,’ I told him as we left the train. ‘If you answer them, they would want to know more.’
‘Is that so?’ he chuckled.
‘Yeah, but if you told them it’s none of their business-,’
‘I’m not like that,’ he said as we went up the escalator. ‘It would be so – formal.’
‘Is that a problem?’
‘I suppose not. I’s just not who I am.’
I smiled at him and his informality. It was nice he wanted to be ‘liked’ even though he was a teacher . He was trying very hard to achieve this and he certainly was doing a good job – the students liked him, apart from the private matters though.
It seemed such a coincidence that our busses stopped at the same bus stop, but it was very convenient. Later, in our relationship, it would be our meeting point after school. We didn’t want any students to suspect anything, so we never left school together. This was also the first place where he kissed me.
Because we travelled together at least twice a week, we became rather friendly towards each other. Even at school and in classes we weren’t afraid to hide our friendship. And even though I had told him I had felt embarrassed for my classmate’s behaviours, I couldn’t help but feel curious about his life as well.
‘So do you actually have a girlfriend?’
‘Oh are you starting now as well?’
‘No, I’m just curious.’
‘Like the other?’
‘… yes.’
He laughed hard and I turned scarlet. I thought he wasn’t going to answer me when he said:
‘I don’t have a girlfriend,’ he said. ‘I – well I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago.’
‘Oh,’ I said and I felt my face fill with redness. ‘I-I’m sorry. No I shouldn’t have asked.’
But he chuckled again. ‘What about you? Got a boyfriend?’
I shook my head.
‘How old are you? Have you ever had a boyfriend?’ his tone had changed this time into interest .
‘Nineteen,’ I said and I felt slightly offended. ‘I have had a boyfriend.’
‘But?’
I frowned at him as he waited for an answer.
‘It didn’t work out,’ was all I said, and all that I wanted him to know about it.
The truth was that this boy, Michael, had been my first boyfriend. I met him when I was seventeen and our relation had lasted for a grant total of three months. The reason why it ended had been me – I was afraid. I felt uncomfortable to know that I had these obligations when I had a boyfriend. I didn’t wanted to see him all the time. I had a lot of test that year and I really gave it all to o up to the next year. He wanted to see me as much as possible of course, but I didn’t feel that connected with him. And most fatal of all – I didn’t wanted to have sex all the time we would sleep over at each other’s place.
I had never seen myself different from any other girl. I just knew there was one thing ‘wrong’ with me. I had bonding problems. I always used to bond with people I should bond with (like teachers in this case) or I wouldn’t bond to people to who I should (Michael and my parents).
But I didn’t tell this to Dan right there. He would find out later but right now, he was still my teacher and I was a student. And I was sure, he wouldn’t even been interested.
‘So now it’s just you?’ he asked me as we walked across the street towards the busstop.
‘Er,’ I wasn’t sure what to say. It was rather forward and I was confussed why he asked this. ‘Yeah – haven’t been trying though. School’s been asking a lot of my spare time.’
‘You don’t go out?’
‘No, not really,’ I admitted. I really didn’t like going out in that time. I’m shy and I still prefer to just sit at home with a good movie. But especially that time I didn’t like to get out of the house unless it was really necessarily.
‘You don’t hang out with friends? Go to any clubs or have a drink in a pub?’ he raised his eyebrows.
‘Nope,’ I said, shaking him head, slightly embarrassed.
‘Not even to pubs?’ he now looked at me as if I was insane. 'They play a lot of good music. I know one that has folkbands every friday.'
‘Nope, should I?’ I asked, also raising an eyebrow.
‘I go out every Friday,’ he admitted. ‘Pubs are great! If you don’t go with friends, you will always meet someone there!’
‘I don’t even know where the closest pub is, near my place.’
‘Let me take you out,’ he suddenly said as he clapped his hand on my shoulder.
‘What?’ I blurted out, my eyes almost popping out of my head. ‘Why!’
‘Because you’re a nice girl and I want you to learn how great pubs are.’
I went silent for a long moment, reading his face until I asked: ‘Should you take someone else out?’
‘Why?’ he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.
‘I’m a student.’
‘So?’
‘Isn’t that prohibited?’
‘This is not secondary school anymore.’
‘But isn’t that a bit strange?’ I asked, feeling rather unsure. ‘I mean – you’re a teacher and I’m… well, younger.’
‘It doesn’t have to mean anything,’ he said, but there was a smile on his face which I didn’t really trust. He made my heart melt with that smile, and I slowly began to realize what he had just asked. But I also panicked. He was a man or, well – probably in his forties and he was my teacher! I was afraid of the consequences.
At that moment, my buss arrived and I wanted to use this as an excuse to get away from him at once. He was confussing me and I felt afraid.
‘I’ve got to go,’ I told him and as I wanted to step into the buss, his grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I swayed and almost lost my balance, but when I corrected myself, I found my face inches away from his.
‘I mean it,’ he said and there was a change in his look. It was a look I hadn’t seen before on him. Later, I would find out it was his honoust and insecurity.
I pulled my hand back and stepped into the bus. I sat down on bench on the back, covering my eyes so I didn’t have to look at him. But when the buss drove up, I peeked at him and I saw how his eyes followed the buss until it was out of his sight.