Home Again

“Wadda’ll you have?” The waitress had approached on silent old shoes, her over-permed hair escaping her bun; her make up did little to hide the circles under her eyes. Her nametag said Joy.

“Two coffees,” he said. “Still black, Des?” She nodded her assent. “Both black.”

Desire watched the waitress walk back to the counter. “She worked here when we were kids.”

“Did she? I don’t remember.” Alex flicked his lighter.

“I wonder how long she’s been here.”

‘Who cares.” Alex smashed out his cigarette.

“Oh.” Desire followed his lead and extinguished her own. “You’ve changed in fifteen years, Alex.”

“So have you.”

“You look good all grown up.”

“Your tits are huge.” He lit a cigarette and pushed the pack towards her. “How much did they cost?”

“The cigarettes are yours.” Desire took one and lit it herself.

“The tits.”

“I didn’t come out in this mess to fight,” Desire replied. She exhaled a forceful line of smoke towards the ceiling. “I’m only in the city for three days. What do you want from me?”

“I know. And I am sorry I’m being rude. It’s been a long week.” Alex gave her a weak half smile. “Des, I want to talk about Mack”

“I figured that.” She stubbed out her cigarette and grabbed another from the pack. “I’ve heard you two are very close.”

“Jealous?” Alex pushed the lighter towards her.

“Alex, I’ve loved Mack for twenty years. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life.”

“You looked gorgeous,” Alex agreed. “ And I was so jealous.”

“Funny how things end up. I thought I had it all at 18: a stud for a husband, the opportunity to travel the world, years of marital bliss ahead of me.” She snorted and took a sip of her coffee. “I never realized how much the odds were against me. Married so young, the constant relocations, Mack gone for days or weeks. Him being gay.”

She surprised Alex with the direct statement of fact. “Did you never suspect?”

“Not until he stood in front of me and said ‘I just can’t do this anymore, Des. I can’t live this lie to keep you happy.’ And I had to ask ‘what lie?”

“I’m sorry.” Alex grabbed another cigarette.

“No you’re not. You got Mack in the end.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m not sorry for the pain you went through. I’m not heartless.”

“My turn to be sorry. You never were mean spirited.” Desire saluted Alex with her cigarette. “It was hell. My military husband, a real macho man’s man, stood in our bedroom and told me he was gay. Jesus! They don’t prepare you for that in military wife seminars.”

“ I know.” Alex had the grace to glance out the window as Desire patted her eyes.

“He’s told you this story.” It was a statement. Alex simply nodded. “Of course he has. So what do you need to hear from me?”

Alex took a deep breath. “Des, he misses you.”

“So.”

“So?”

“So what, Alex? He left me behind.”

“Like you left me behind.”

“There’s a reason I didn’t come back here when I flew out of Adana alone. I don’t want to remember the past.”

“Now that’s cold.”

“No, Alex. It’s self-defense. I wasn’t about to sit in the old neighborhood, trapped by what I thought I had escaped, and watch everyone look at me and shake their heads. No ‘Poor Desire,’ for me. Not in my hearing anyway.” She finished her coffee. “You did the same thing.”

Alex lit another cigarette. “I still live here.”

“You live in the West Village. Maybe you didn’t go as far as I did, but you got out too. And who do you still talk to out of all the people we grew up with?”

“Point taken.”

“I’m sorry he misses me. But I still love that goofy fourteen-year-old boy I met on your stoop. I don’t want to see the man who left me. It’s too hard for me to even come back here. I hate this place.” She grabbed a cigarette. “I don’t even smoke in Honolulu.”

“So there’s no chance you’ll see him?”

“Alex, I’m not even sure why I agreed to meet you. Your sister always could talk me into stupid shit.”

“That’s Annie.” They shared a smile at last. “Des, it’s good to see you. You look good.”

“Thanks, Alex. You too. The years been good to you?”

“You know, it’s like sex with an older man, it’s got its ups and downs.” He gestured with his cigarette.

Desire laughed. “That’s the Alex I remember.”

“I always loved your laugh.” The two sat in silence as they finished their cigarettes. “Well, I guess I should let you get going.”

“You live far from here?” Desire tapped the lighter on the tab, belying the nonchalant tone of her question.

“Like you said, the West Village, about 25 blocks.”

Desire spoke as she looked out the window. “Is Mack waiting there for you?”

“Yes, he is.” Alex stared at Desire’s profile. He sat perfectly still, watching her face reflect the changes in her mind.

Desire watched the traffic crawl by on 34th Street a few more seconds. Alex lit her cigarette then his own. She took a deep drag and exhaled a line of smoke towards the ceiling. They smoked in silence for a while, watching the wind blowing the sleet horizontally. The empty diner was warm and quiet.

“What’d your grandmother used to say about the four of us?”

“Thick as thieves,” Alex answered quietly.

“ That’s it.” She looked back to Alex. “Was that a compliment?”

“I think so.” He smiled at her. “But she was crazy, so who knows.”

Desire smiled at her one-time best friend. “Want to take a cab downtown or the subway?”

“Des,” Alex paused a moment, trying to keep his voice steady. This woman had been his best friend through some of the hardest years of his life. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll say this, I can change my mind right up until I walk through your front door.” She pulled her coat on and dropped a five on the table. “Let’s see what the past five years have done to him.”