Ennui

Jonas was an imposing man. It wasn’t just his size, though that contributed. At 6’ 6, 250 pounds of muscle, he walked with the air of someone who would be quite willing to hand you your ass after kicking it around the block. He also favored reds and blacks for clothing, red tank tops over black jeans and boots most frequently. Red to make people think of blood against his pale skin, black to hide the stains, he once told Li.

It was two in the morning when Jonas walked into the apartment gym. Li glowered at him, used to having the place to himself at that time. He would have to change his schedule if this newcomer was going to be a regular. Determined to avoid conversation, he went back to working on his pecs with the butterfly machine. He had to fight his desire to rush to get away from the guy to do the exercise slowly for maximum benefit.

He had decided to leave after he finished, to come back later to complete his routine. He was almost as far as the door when a deceptively light voice stopped him. “Can you spot for me? Jonas, by the way.”

There really wasn’t any way that he could think of to say ‘no’ that wouldn’t make him look like an ass. So, despite his desire to leave, he spent the next hour spotting the newcomer. He found himself warming to the company, enjoying watching the guy as he lifted.

“Next time, I’ll spot for you,” Jonas said as they were putting away the free weights.

“I usually use the machines,” Li muttered. Though he had been enjoying their camaraderie, he preferred being alone.

“Well, then let me get you lunch.” Before Li could decline, Jonas continued, “Look, I just wanna say thanks. It’s not like I’m trying to come onto you.”

Li blushed. A lot of his avoidance of people stemmed from the teasing and torture he endured because he was gay.

“Unless, you want me to come on to you,” Jonas added, taking half a step closer to Li. “I wouldn’t mind that at all,” he murmured.

“What…why…what makes you think…” Li couldn’t finish the indignant statement that he felt he should make to hide himself.

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Jonas pressed, moving closer.

Li’s mind scattered, part of it wanting to move away from Jonas, away from another person. Part of him wanted to move closer, to know what it would be like to finally be embraced. Part of him was just frightened. Jonas loomed over him, a full head taller than he was, and bench pressed three hundred pounds. And, with lack of any conscious direction, he nodded.

“Good, I'm glad,” Jonas murmured, reaching up to touch Li's wrist.

Thus began three months of friendship, a slow courtship. Jonas took his time easing Li out of his cocoon. Initially, they worked out together and went out to afterwards, talking about anything and everything. Li found the pace reassuring and frustrating at times. As time passed, he longed for the ‘more’ that Jonas hinted at more than he feared it.

“How would you like to go on a proper date?” Jonas asked one night as they were cleaning up after their workout.

“Yeah,” Li whispered.

Jonas smiled. “Well, then, go get washed up and I'll pick you up in an hour.”

That night, after a midnight movie, though Li couldn't remember what movie they watched, Jonas kissed him for the first time. One kiss led to another which led to Li's apartment, into his room and out of their clothes. Li came the same time his pants hit the ground. Janus made him comfortable, though, stirring his lust to life again before embarrassment could kill the mood.

Jonas drew Li's pleasure out, easing his anxiety so much that there was little pain when Jonas penetrated his body. Li's body shook, trembling hard as he came again. His pleasure was so intense he didn't feel Jonas's teeth penetrate his neck. Li didn't know what to think of the fact that he slept immediately afterwards, the entire day and half-way into the next night.

When he woke, he felt better than he could ever remember feeling. He found Jonas in his apartment. “I'm...I didn't mean to crash on you,” he murmured. He wrapped his arms around Jonas after the other man let him in. “That...was amazing.” He kissed Jonas's shoulder.

Jonas seemed surprised to see Li. “You look well.”

“I feel amazing, and it's all thanks to you.”

“Really?”

Li pulled back, looking up from where he'd been continuing to kiss Jonas's shoulder. “Yes, really.” Jonas's distance finally began to penetrate his mood. “Shouldn't I?”

Jonas drew Li into his arms. “I have a few things I need to explain to you.” He looked into Li's face for a long moment. “There are myths and legends about us, stories as ancient as the night.” His fingers traced Li’s neck. “Do you understand?” he asked softly.

Li frowned. “Legends?” he echoed. “You…?” He didn’t pull back, though. He stayed where he was, though his body lost some of the languor he’d allowed himself to indulge in when Jonas held him.

“When we had sex, I fed from you.” Jonas caressed Li’s neck again.

Li blinked. “It didn’t hurt. It felt good, everything you did.”

Jonas smiled, bending to kiss Li gently. “We have legends about you, as well.”

“Me?” Li wanted Jonas to kiss him again, his body trembling lightly with the memory of what happened last time they kissed.

“Yes, about you. Those who are our perfect match.” Jonas’s hands skimmed Li’s back. “However, as wonderful as what we have is, we are not a destined pair.”

Fear coiled frigidly in Li’s stomach. “What do you mean?”

Jonas kissed him again. “Had we been a destined pair, neither of us would have been able to not touch each other for three months. Even as shy as you are,” he caressed Li’s cheek, “the need would have been overwhelming.” His hand trailed down Li’s neck and back. “That doesn’t mean, however, that we can’t enjoy ourselves.”

Li hesitated. He was going on twenty-two, old enough to be beyond the belief of ‘love at first sight,’ but he also believed he was in love with Jonas. To be told so casually that their relationship would be only a temporary affair was a blow. “You don’t…?” he couldn’t make himself finish the question.

Jonas seemed to know just what was on his mind. “I want to, but it’s better if I don’t love you, Li. You will leave me. I will make you. If you were mine, I would love you, would keep you.”

Li looked down, drawing away from Jonas. “I…I…” His first relationship and already it was turning into a disaster.

“Li, don’t hide again,” Jonas whispered as he reluctantly let Li leave his arms.

“I…I…love you,” Li stammered. “I thought I did. And…now…” His hands came up, holding his head to keep himself from falling apart.

Hesitantly, Jonas reached out and caressed Li’s back. “I’m sorry. I should have been more tactful.” As Li began to sob, he drew him into his arms. Jonas held him, murmuring apologies and soft words of comfort until Li’s tears ran out.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Li asked. He was curled against Jonas’s chest, his fists balled in the other man’s shirt.

Jonas caressed his back a moment. “We don’t know we’ve found one of your kind until after we’ve fed from you.” Slowly, he guided Li to a couch, sitting them side by side. When Li curled into him again, he caressed his hair.

“I want it again,” Li whispered.

Jonas continued to caress Li’s hair. “What do you want again?”

“I…both, I think.” He looked up at Jonas, his eyes puffy and red, his whole face damp. “Do you…at least like me?” he asked softly.

A soft smile curved Jonas’s lips. “I do like you, Li. I like you very much. But, I cannot love you because of what we both are.” He wiped Li’s face, his fingers brushing away the dampness. “I wish I could love you, though. If I could love you, I could keep you.” When Li opened his mouth to speak, Jonas covered it with a finger. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do, what our relationship will be, and you can decide if you want to continue.”

Li nodded. “Okay,” he murmured, his voice and face expressing uncertainty he couldn’t hide.

Jonas frowned slightly. “If you wish, we can continue dating, continue our relationship, knowing that there will come a time when we have to part. Can you continue like that?”

Li leaned against Jonas’s shoulder, not looking at him. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I want to say yes because you made me feel so good.”

“But?” Jonas pressed.

“But, I…” He looked up. “I love you.”

Jonas’s smile was tinged with sadness. “I wish I could let you. I really do.” He trailed his fingers down Li’s cheek to his neck. “Yours is the sweetest blood I’ve ever had. But, I know that one day, I’ll find the one for me, one like you, made for us. When that time comes, I’ll send you away, to find your match.”

Li curled back into Jonas’s chest. “How long have you been looking?”

“Since I made the mistake of bringing over my best friend.”

Li moved to look into Jonas’s face. “Mistake?” he echoed, uncertain if he even had the right to ask.

Jonas drew him closer, hugging him more as if he were a teddy bear than a human. “My best friend, a long time ago, from before I crossed over. He wanted to follow me over even though we were told it wouldn’t work. I put him off for several years before I did finally bring him over. We were together a long time, almost forty years in total, about twenty years after I brought him over, before we separated.” He looked at Li. “I say best friends, but we had sex. I prefer taking blood during sex.”

“Did you love him?” Li asked very softly, expecting the question to be ignored.

“At first, I thought so; he thought so, as well. But, as time passed, we realized we didn’t, but at the time, it really didn’t matter.” He sighed. “After a while, we grew apart. We can’t feed from each other. So, we separated. I think he hates me now, blames me for destroying what we had.”

“What happened to him?” Li felt a little braver since his last question had been answered.

“He moved away. I’ve moved. I do keep track of him, though. He goes by Seth now.”

“Seth? Like the Egyptian god of destruction?” Li enjoyed studying esoteric subjects.

“Yes, exactly,” Jonas agreed with a laugh. He sobered and held Li closer. “I won’t bring you over. Don’t ask. But, perhaps, when our paths part, you could find Seth. I think you would like him.”

Li raised an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

Jonas shrugged. “I get the feeling that you two will get along well.” Though Li pressed, Jonas wouldn’t explain any further. “Tell me, Li, can you be satisfied with a relationship of convenience?” he asked, interrupting Li’s questions.

Li looked away from Jonas. “I need to get used to it,” he finally muttered.

Jonas caressed Li’s hair. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I really do like you, Li.”

Leaning into the touch, Li turned to face Jonas. “How often do you need to feed?” he murmured, his cheeks tinged with pink.

Jonas smiled and kissed Li. “Not tonight. You have things to think about.”

Li sighed, frowning. “Yeah, I know. I just…I want to be deluded for a while longer. It felt nice.” He leaned against Jonas’s shoulder. “You could have taken advantage of that. But, you didn’t.” He sighed. “I’ll probably thank you later. Right now, it hurts.”

Jonas held Li, gently caressing his arms, his head, his back. They relaxed on the couch until the small hours of the morning when Li left without a word.

It was a week before Li saw Jonas again. During that time, he didn’t leave his apartment, spent much of his time pacing, struggling to come to grips with what he’d been told. In the end, it came down to Jonas made him feel good and he didn’t want to give that up. If it was only for that, then he thought he could cope.

Jonas welcomed him back without question. Not that Li gave him a chance to ask questions after arriving at his apartment. Kisses that started tentative and shy gave way to desperately trying to remain connected in any way possible while clothes were removed. Sounds of desire, of lust, of sex filled the apartment as Jonas brought Li to ecstasy over and over again, with his hand, with his mouth, by riding him and finally by taking him, feeding from him as his orgasm stole thought and volition from him.

When Li recovered enough to find his voice, he laughed, a light care-free sound. He ran his hands down Jonas’s chest and arms. “It’s better when you feed,” he giggled. “So much better.”

Jonas caressed Li’s cheek. “It’s almost dawn,” he murmured. “Perhaps you should go. It’s not pleasant, sleeping beside me.”

“Why isn’t it?” Li asked, still giddy and, though he didn’t want to admit it, too exhausted to move.

Jonas yawned, snuggling down into the bed next to Li. “I am rather unresponsive until nearly sundown.”

“I don’t mind,” Li murmured as he leaned into Jonas’s body.

With a sigh, Jonas covered them both with the blanket. He wasn’t up to arguing with Li. “I warned you,” he mumbled as he let his arm come to rest over Li’s body.

Li woke early, letting himself enjoy the feeling of sleeping with someone, the line of skin contact, the pleasant weight of an arm over his back. He felt good but not as over charged as he had felt the last time Jonas had fed from him. He drifted on the luxury a long time before he realized that Jonas wasn’t breathing.

Something near panic gripped Li. He searched for Jonas’s pulse, a task hampered by the fact that he didn’t know where to find a pulse other than what he’d seen on television. He rolled Jonas onto his back and listened at his chest. A slow thud sounded, followed a few seconds later by another. Li relaxed, his body going limp as he kept his ear on Jonas’s chest. After a while, he fell asleep again to the very slow rhythm.

As day turned to night, Jonas stirred, surprised to find Li’s head pillowed on his chest. He brushed his hand down Li’s side, enjoying the warmth of bare skin. It’d been a very long time since anyone had slept the day with him.

Li stirred, nuzzling deeper into Jonas’s chest as he stretched. The rhythm under his ear was quicker now. He looked up. “You’re awake?”

“I am,” Jonas murmured.

“I couldn’t see you breathing when I woke up earlier.” Li’s eyes went to Jonas’s chest. “I can see it now.”

Jonas lifted Li’s chin. “I did warn you,” he murmured.

Li moved up with the gentle touch. “Once I found your heartbeat, it was okay,” he said as he leaned in for a kiss.

Jonas allowed the kiss then pushed Li away slightly. “Shower, then I’m sure you have things to do.”

Li grumbled as he stood. “Yeah. I have some work.” He didn’t really want to leave. He didn’t even want to admit that he needed a shower. He didn’t want the night before to be over.

It was a pleasant surprise when Jonas joined him, though Li was embarrassed at first. Jonas kept the conversation mundane, planning their next workout session, talking about work, and, as they were drying, planning their next date.

Thus went ten months of their lives. Once or twice a week, Li and Jonas would have a date, which generally consisted of an all night sex romp in one of their apartments. Li learned many tricks from Jonas and became as adept at pleasing Jonas as Jonas was at pleasing him. They both leaned each other’s bodies, weaknesses and strengths.

Though he never spoke of it again, Li loved Jonas. He tried not to, but their friendship, the sensuality of their dates, the intensity of being fed from all conspired to turn his emotions along paths he tried to avoid.

He knew the day would come, but it hurt more than he ever wanted to admit when Jonas told him it would be their last time together. It was the middle of winter, so the nights were long and they spent the entirety of the night saying good-bye in the most suitable way they knew. From sunset to sunrise, they made love. There was no other word for it. Over and over, they brought each other to climax. Over and over, Jonas took from Li, draining him just a little each time.

By dawn, Li was barely able to move from exhaustion and blood loss. He slept the day and most of the next night. When he woke, Jonas was gone. Li curled around the pillow he’d slept on and cried until his head ached and he fell back into an exhausted slumber.

It was two months before Li could really begin to function normally again, though he frequently looked over his shoulder for Jonas for the better part of a year. He began his search for Seth, starting with what he knew of Jonas and working from there. It took him three years to find him and another year to prepare everything so he could move.

And less than a week to destroy his hope of finding someone to belong to again.

He closed the curtains, blocking off the view over the city, hiding his reflection in the glass as dawn began creeping over the horizon. His memories were painful, though Li regretted more that he’d alienated Seth from himself. As he slowly crossed the room, avoiding the furniture he’d carefully selected from his grandparent’s house and placed comfortably around the room.

He entered his room, closing the door, leaving the light off. His window was blacked out, a preparation he’d made in hopes of having company. He never made it to his bed. He slid down the door and curled around the ache in his chest. He didn’t cry. Of that, he was proud. Eventually, he curled on the floor and slept, his dreams a twisting torment of pain and loneliness.