.Rules for the Dollhouse

An excerpt from "Throwing your bud's bachelor party", the SW chapter.

• The good news about this chapter is that you can ignore half of the warnings in any other chapter. The strippers will NOT come to your place for the party. Trust me, they won't. That's why SW clubs always have a few rooms in the back for private functions.
• There are two direct benefits to having an SWtripper party. One is that it's fairly unique. The SWtripper industry is slow to expand out of this city. This means that there's a good chance someone from another burg will actually WANT to hear your party stories.
• The other is that it may be useful for breaking the ice between your buddy and his new bride. When she finds out where the party was, and trust me, she WILL find out at some point, possibly even before the night, she's going to ask The Question. 'Is that what you like?'
• If your buddy has any interest in tiny women, that's the place to come clean. If not, or if he doesn't want to admit to it, he can just say, 'It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, for my once-in-a-lifetime bachelor's party.' Rehearse him in this response, including the subtle assertion that he's only marrying once, ever, despite the national divorce rate.
• Another benefit is that if they find an inflatable doll in the trunk during the honeymoon, you're dead. If they find a Barbie doll, you may be no worse off than paralyzed in three limbs
• Now, for hiring, forget everything we've learned in the last three chapters. Hiring stripper SWs for a party has nothing to do with time, travel or just how far they'll go to humiliate/gratify the guest of honor. It's about guests. Visit the club before the night, figure how many guests will fit, how many tables they'll use and hire two girls per table.
• One girl per table is too few, either she can't take a break or she'll be monopolized by one guy at the table.
• One or two girls per party sucks, because everyone's going to crowd around the table to see her and what she's doing. I don't know about you, but I don't get too much enjoyment if I have two hairy guys drooling at either shoulder. I don't care how good she is, she's flat out out-weighed by the testosterone in the room.
• Since you're at the Club, the girls will be very much aware of how many tippers are out in the main room while they're dancing for your group of heavy drinkers. You may have to come across with a huge wad of cash, to keep them at your private function. With a little planning, though, you can get the best of all possible worlds.
• Pay for a few dances up front, then schedule other entertainment, keeping one or two girls in the room while the rest go back out front. The girls get a chance to change, dance for the regulars, and come back later.
• Be sure to point out to the strippers which guy is the groom. It's traditional that every SWtripper in the room does at least one dance at his table. This is a good practice, as it rotates all the dancers to all the guests. No one will be able to complain afterwards that table ____ got the best dancer.

Comestibles:

• Once again, the Rules for Drinks in Chapter 1 apply here (except for quantity, see below). Party drinking is party drinking. If you're going to use any of the cocktails off of Table Three, be sure that the club has the appropriate supplies, or bring your own.
• On the other hand, Chapter 1's Food Rules do not apply. Every other form of Bachelor Party is fueled by greasy finger food. If you indulge in that here, you're going to end up with dancers covered in greasy finger prints. That'll cost you.
• Speaking of cost, let me just say: pay the suggested honorarium for the bouncers. You won't get dancers in the private room without their protectors, and you want the protectors to think of you as a nice guy (read: heavy tipper). If you need motivation to fork over dough to the muscled guy in the black t-shirt, think 'cow spit.'
• Anyway, the food should be something that doesn't cover the fingers in something. See the Food Table at the end of the chapter for some suggestions. See if the club offers catering, they'll have the same priorities.

Other Entertainment:

• Music: The club will have its own music system and the girls will have their own music. Bands are people you hire to eat the food you paid for, drink the beer you bought, and play with the strippers while you watch the porno. It's pretty straightforward math while you're sober. Unless your brother has a band, go with the CD stack.
• Games: Drinking games are the most popular ones for a bachelor party, as mentioned in the other chapters. Drinking to excess is frowned upon, though, in a shrinking club. It's too easy to get too frisky and get someone hurt, or to cross the line and get yourself hurt. We're back to the cow spit part. Also, if you puke and any part of it hits the professional, the bouncer will make you take it all back. And not in a doggie bag...
• Not saying you should skip the booze entirely, but you should limit intake or save it for the end. In general, a graph of the party should go something like: Speeches, dancing, Plan B entertainment, dancing, Cake, Humiliation of the Groom, then the optional excessive drinking with oblivion as the goal. The girls'll be gone by then.
• Unlike previous Plan B's, the involvement of a shrunken stripper enhances the games. You can't play 'pin the boobs on the bimbo' the same way as with a more normal sized stripper, but you will notice that the one you have will fit inside of a beer pitcher. Licking whipped cream off of an SW can be more fun than off of the usual subjects, because you can cover her entire body.
• Some games unique to an SW entertainer's involvement include Blindfolded Guess Her Ethnicity by Tongue; The Barbie or The Bimbo; Lap Limbo; Scissor Kicks; Bottled Babe; Microquarters and Dollhouse Races. See the appendix for rules, equipment and betting tips.
• This is the second of Bachelor Party formats where the Donkey Show is absolutely verbotten, no matter who attends or what their expressed limits are. Don't even ask. And don't try to scale it down. If you or any guest are actually interested in a Spider Monkey Show, then there's a place in Tijuana for you. Do not suggest it to the women, to the bouncers or the management. Trust me on this.
• Movies are a trusty tool for Plan B entertainments. Pornos are the time-honored tradition, but there are very few SW themed ones. Most of the non-fetish movies about shrinking are Horror flicks. Most of the pornos that involve outrageous size disparity between couples are GTS themed. Not conducive to a good, horny time in a SW club.
• Instead, go with the outrageous. Not outrageously sexy, either. There's a tiny woman in the room that may or may not be giving you a stiffy. When thirty sweaty guys turn to the big screen TV, you want to reduce titillation, just for everyone's comfort level.
• Go for the archives of movies where the object of the fetish is a body part that you don't normally associate with sexual escapades. It keeps the wood down, which keeps you all from doing something you'll regret with the dancers, which lessens the risk of having to pay misdemeanor fines or alimony.
• Plus, you'll be much happier when the SW's dance again. That enthusiasm will spur their little efforts, which will enhance your enjoyment. It's a wonderful feedback loop.
• Even better, the groom will spend the honeymoon wonderfully thankful that the bride does not have a German accent nor an interest in Victorian lawn-care equipment.

Cake:

• Guaranteed, the club has a Cake on hand for the appropriate portion of the evening. There's nothing quite like an SW team exploding out of the cake, offering the groom swaths of icing to be licked off.

Groom Humiliation:

• Is, I will admit, almost exactly the same in this chapter as all the others. Seriously, if the man isn't lying to his wife for at least 20 years about what was done to him and who has the pictures, the best man has let him down. The only difference is the subject of stripper hickeys. Go to the zoo, see the elephant. Imagine him with a 5 o'clock shadow and beery sweat. Now imagine giving that elephant a hickey. If you have this image firmly in mind, you'll understand the SW's reaction to your suggestion.

Then, finally, give the last tips to the dancers, tip the bouncers, and wheel in the keg.