Iris
Chapter 3: Forgive Me If I Stutter, From All Of The Clutter In My Head.
The next few days passed in a blur. I got my bandages off but my arms were still sensitive. My skin was as pink as a newborn but it was covered in ugly scars that made me want to cry. It was my own fault I knew, but it was still a sad thing to see. My mother actually did cry. Dr. Lisa told me that some of the scars would fade with time, but not to expect any miracles. For a time after I wished that I could still hide behind my bandages and not see the damage that my actions had caused. Mostly I wanted to hide the ugliness from Brian. I knew he had shared his scar with me, but mine was something that ran deeper. So I asked my mom to bring me shirts with long sleeves, and she seemed to understand without questioning me much and I hide another part of me from another person.
My nails were a different matter and Brian actually gagged when he saw the bruised skin in the indentations where they used to be, but that didn’t stop him from kissing me. Oh no. Now when we had our lessons we spent half the time stealing kisses, and tentative touches. It was still a strain between us because I couldn’t speak,and he kept pressing me for my little secret. It began to be something I held out in front of me like a brick wall to keep him from getting too close to me, and to stop me from falling into the happiness I felt when I was around him. Brian was an average kind of guy, he wasn’t going to wait forever and it was better if I prepared for him to leave now.
With the bandages off though I was given a notebook with a pen tied to it with a piece of string. The only catch was that I had to let Dr. Lisa see the notebook every week so she could analyze my thoughts. So of course I never wrote anything in it that mattered, like the sneaking out with Brian or kissing him or how scared I was feeling. I mostly drew birds I saw out of my window and rote about the sky or jotted down little nonsense poems. Did the Good Doctor really expect me to write what was really going on? But Brian came through for me again bringing me another notebook, smaller with hand painted irises on the front. You know the ones, authentically mass produced? But it was beautiful; the irises were painted in a rustic orange that reminded me of late summer evenings when you could hear the crickets before the sun even went down. In this I wrote about how much I wanted to speak, my frustration with Brian for not trusting me, and my frustration with myself. I wrote of the nights I stayed awake thinking out his hands, lips, body. What would he be like when he wasn’t restrained? And there were conversations in there too. When I wrote out what I wanted to say and Brian would write back. Sometimes I spent hours going over those conversations, smiling over Brian’s handwriting like a smitten school girl.
In fact that’s what I had been doing when Brian walked in early. He signed a hello and stepped into the room. I rose from my bed smiling to give him a hug but stopped short. There was someone with him. I looked up at Brian wary. It wasn’t that I didn’t like strangers, but I wasn’t expecting anyone other than him, and the woman who had just stepped into the room was radiant. She was tall and willowy thin with artful pink roses in her cheeks and a mouth that would have made cupid fall out of the sky with envy. Her hair was long, almost to her waist and the blonde you only got if you were Gwyneth Paltrow. If this was Brian girlfriend I was not amused. A rush of anger and jealousy rose so quickly in my throat I felt like I was choking. But then Brain bounded over to me and scooped me into a hug swinging me around until I felt sick. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek.“Erin this is my sister, Clara.”***An hour later the three of us were chummier than fish bits. Clara was his oldest sister, Marian was the one in the middle, but she was off in Japan with her new clothing line: Che Che Cute. Clara was married and had a son of her own named Jeff, who terrorized everyone as far as I could tell. I was never good with kids so when she suggested she bring little Jeff here, the panic look I gave had her bursting into understanding laughter. Brian had told her how he met me and they talked a while about how he had tackled me, Clara teasing him about it and how it was a terrible idea to tackle someone just for a date, me blushing happily. Whenever one of them asked me a question the answer was hastily scribbled into my book until it became a game between us to pass the book in a circle and write silly things. It was such a surprise meeting Clara, and I would have to thank Brian later.“So my brother isn’t being a complete brute is he? I know he’s unrefined, I told mom to let us dress you for our fashion shows but no, you had to play in the mud didn’t you?” Clara punched Brian playfully. The mock fighting between these two had really lifted my spirits. I never fought like that with my brother.No! I screamed when a dark cloud of memory suddenly slammed into me.
“Erin? You okay? You got really pale.” I nodded and smiled wanly. I scribbled ‘tired’ and made a show of yawning.
“I should be going anyway.” Clara said standing. She smiled warmly at me, but I could still feel Brian’s eyes on me, watching thoughtfully. I stood up too, I knew later he’d have something to say but right now I didn’t want to talk about it. I reached my hand out to shake Clara’s and she grabbed my hand turning it over.
“Eww cool” she squealed. “You don’t have any fingernails. Does it hurt?” I shook my head smiling at her child-like curiosity. She poked one of my nail beds with a tentative finger and giggled when I made no reaction. Then she gathered my into a hug that caught me off guard.“It was so nice to meet you, Erin. Maybe we can hang out if my brother doesn’t keep you all to his self.”“I’ll show you out Clara.” Brian said standing up. He gave me a look as he passed me that confirmed my suspicions. I was so going to get a ‘Talk’ when he got back. I waved them both out the door then lay back down on my bed. If I was going to be in for a talk I at least wanted be comfortable.When Brian came back he had a scowl on his face. He did the head toss I’d become so familiar with but his hair just fell back into his eyes. He sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me intently for a moment.“Are you going to tell me what was really wrong?” he asked. I shook my head. “Why?” he asked his voice rising. I rolled my eyes and signed ‘I. not. Speak’“Oh. Yeah.” He sighed and ran a hand through the thick curls on his head. “Erin I don’t know how to help you, and sometimes I feel like maybe you don’t want to let me in. It’s hard to be around you when you’re like this. I’m not complaining I just…..” He looked at me and for the first time I noticed dark shadows under his eyes. Had he been losing sleep over me? I suddenly felt like a heel. He really didn’t deserve the way I kept pushing him away, but I couldn’t help it. I sat up sighing and reached for his hand. I placed his hand over my heart then curled it onto itself and raised his fist to my lips before pushing his hand back to his chest over his heart. His eyes were wary, so I decided that it was time to share some part of me with him.I reached down to the hem of the shirt I was wearing and pulled it over my head in one swift motion. Once it was off there was no turning back. I thrust my scarred arms out in from of me, and Brian gasped.
“Oh my God” he whispered harshly. I heard the pity in his voice, read the fear and horror in his eyes and I couldn’t take it. I looked away hating myself for hoping. I felt ugly and worthless under his gaze. I felt emotions bubbling into my throat.“Oh Sweetheart” he cried then gathered me into his lap his arms tight around my waist. I could feel tears burning in my throat and behind my eyes and my nose stared to water.“Shh, baby. Oh Erin” he said in a quiet voice as he rocked me back and forth in his arms. For a moment I didn’t realize I was crying but when I did the tears seemed like they would never stop. And Brian held me while I cried my eyes out, while I let my emotions spill over into someone who was strong enough to hold them for me while I healed. And that was a miraculous feeling.When my tears finally did slow Brain carefully set me down and went to get me some tissues. He waited quietly while I wiped my eyes and blew my nose then gathered me into his arms again.
“Does it hurt?” he questioned placing a kiss against my cheek where a lone tear had leaked out. I shook my head.“No” he said quietly. He pulled back from me and placed his hand over my heart. The warmth of his hand seeped into my skin. “Does it hurt here, holding all of that in?”,/p>
I searched his eyes and found only understanding, concern and a few other questions. I was falling so fast I didn’t even notice. I nodded. He tightened his hold around me pulling me close again. He buried his face into the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply. The heat of his breath sent shivers racing down my spine. I stilled. I was sitting straddling his lap without a shirt on. You can imagine the thrill that shot through me. He began kissing my neck, little chaste kisses that promised sinful and searing kisses to come. I felt hot inside my skin and restless. I circled my arms around his shoulders to hold me steady as his lips trailed a path of fire down my skin across my collar bone and to the valley between my breasts. His hands came up to cup me through my bra and I felt him shiver beneath me. His lips trailed their way back up to my other shoulder where they found a pink and puckered scar. I made to move away but his arms came around me again like steel trapping me as he licked the scar slowly, reverently. He blew softly over the wet skin making me shiver and arch in his lap. The heat in my body became a wild thing curling in my core, turning to liquid between my thighs. Brain groaned and sucked on the scar lightly before moving his lips back up my neck and under my chin. His lips trailed up my jaw then came back to meet mine in a sweet kiss that had tears forming behind my eyes again. His tongue explored every part of my mouth as if he were doing it to my body, slowly opening up every secret part of me that I couldn’t tell him about. His hands, on my hips now, skimmed up over my sides and back to my arms and he untangled them from around his neck, pulling back from me as he did.
He was panting softly and he rested his head against my chest before moving me to the bed. He picked up my shirt and handed it to me.
“Put that on…please” he said gruffly. His voice was husky wavering a little. He cleared his throat. I pulled on my shirt, blushing hotly when the air brushed against the trails of his lips across my skin making me shiver as each kiss was burned into my skin.Brian sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
“When you’re like that, so open I just can’t help myself.” He said looking at me. The heat of his gaze pulled low at that feeling in my stomach making me clench my legs together. I wasn’t the one who wanted to stop, I said with my gaze. He chuckled, he understood.“I know,” he went on. “But then something in me remembers that you can’t talk you can’t say yes or no…. not with your voice.” He added on when I started to shake my head. “And I feel like I’m taking advantage of you” He pulled at his hair again brushing it out of his eyes.He wasn’t looking at me and I couldn’t bear his guilt. Not, when a minute ago, I felt hot enough to burst. So I climbed back onto his lap, and before he could say anything I pushed him down on his back and kissed the lips right off his face. Well not so bad as that, but I can tell you his tonsils will always know when I come a callin’. And right as I was about to show Brian who was taking advantage of whom I heard a loud crash in the hallway that had me turned around fast enough to get whiplash.In the doorway of my room was a nurse, fainted dead away with apples sauce all over her. I looked back at Brian and we both burst into laughter, mine silent as always. He got up and arranged his clothes which were looking a little tight around his hips if you catch my drift. And that had me grinning like a cat with a bowl of milk. At least I wasn’t the only one who was feeling hot and bothered.
“Shut up.” He said frowning when he caught my stare and smile. I only smiled wider.“I guess I better go help her up” He sighed. “This is bound to be good for some gossip, I know it”
***Nurse Elaine Cortter was a stingy, stodgy, pain. And she didn’t like me anymore than I did her. She had walked into my room to give me a snack and some anti-depressants when I was jumping Brian’s bones. That’s not the worst part, not by a long shot. After Brian had revived her she had given me a look that said I was in for trouble. She had leaned heavily on Brian as he walked her to the nurse station down the hall. I could hear her complaining all the way. Two days after that I had N. Cortter as my new guardian. Turns out she had told Dr. Lisa, and everyone else that would listen, a story about how she had walked in to see me attacking poor Brian, who was ‘only trying to help that wicked girl after all’, and had fainted from the shock. She couldn’t actually confirm that I had attacked Brian but that left a lot of open questions about what exactly I was doing on top of him. So Dr. Lisa made her chaperone for my signing lessons. I’d only grumbled a little, but no one paid attention to me. But why would I complain when halfway through every lesson N. Cortter nodded off to sleep, and Brian tackled me to the ground and made up for getting me in trouble. Oh no I wasn’t going to complain. But since N. Cortter was around I found myself actually learning the signs so I could talk to Brian, and actually tell him things with words, not half scribbled concepts. And I could tell, every time I opened up, shared something about myself with him, he was happy. Soon the shadows under his eyes began to fade, but little did I know that they were beginning to gather around me instead.A little A/N:
Well I'm a little surprised about this. I sat down and began writng not actually expecting to actually have a semblance of a story. I was surprised how much feeling went on the the pages too. I'm happy with this story but I was having a problem with the fact that Erin's and Brian's relationship delveloped so quickly. They have no problem with it though it would seem. I know that some times when I read a story the tension between characters can turn me off to the story. I just want them to get together already! But despite that the whole thing is flowing. I feel like it it missing some thing though, anyone else think so?
As to questions about the story:I can't say too much becuase in the next chapter a lot will be revealed. The way Erin is dealing with her problem is making me upset. She's just being stupid but its okay. Her demons are not as light as she makes them in the story but I can understand her reluctance to tell Brian about it. Yes she was raped before the hospital scene. But thats all I can say :] Thank you so much for your kind comments.
Please keep reading.