Auditions

Scene 2
(Same as in Scene 1. GEORGIANNA enters alone, taking a few pages of sheet music to CHLOE, who rolls her eyes as she sets them up)

GRANT: Who are you and what do you want?

GEORGIANNA: (with an attitude) My name is Georgianna, and I’m auditioning for this play. Who are you?

GRANT: (pointedly ignoring her question) That’s lovely. What are you prepared to make our eardrums bleed with this afternoon…? Anna, isn’t it?

TOM: (correcting GRANT) It’s Georgianna.

GRANT: (to TOM) Do you really think I care?

GEORGIANNA: I’m going to be singing “Goodnight My Someone” from The Music Man.

GRANT: What on earth would possess you to want to sing that?

GEORGIANNA: (treating GRANT the same way he is treating her) What makes you such a jerk?

GRANT: Just get on with it already.

(GEORGIANNA nods to CHLOE who begins to play. GEORGIANNA doesn’t notice the tempo and comes in too fast, getting off the beat. GRANT plugs his ears and pretends he can not hear her singing)

GRANT: (cutting her off in the middle of the song) That’s enough. I think we’ve heard plenty. Go home. Get a voice teacher. I don’t care what you do; just get out of my sight. That was horrible.

TOM: It wasn’t that bad, Grant, and you know it. Give the girl a chance; at least she was hitting the right notes.

CHLOE: (semi under her breath) Half a measure too soon. (smiles to GEORGIANNA as if she hadn’t said anything) Good try, Georgie.

(CHLOE points off towards the door, and GEORGIANNA huffs out)

GRANT: (leans over towards TOM) And that is why I made her Music Director and not your friend, Allen. (gives CHLOE a wink)

TOM: No, you only chose her because you –

GRANT: NEXT!

(KATHERINE enters and hands a set of music to CHLOE, who, taking one look at the title groans)

CHLOE: (sarcastically) Lovely song choice.

KATHERINE: (completely oblivious to the sarcasm) Why thank you. It’s my favorite song.

GRANT: And what song would that be? (takes sip of water)

KATHERINE: (giggles) “Memory” from Cats.

GRANT: (spits the water all over the table, and TOM) GIA! MORE WATER! (GIA scrambles out with another glass) And get something to clean this up, I can’t have my papers wet, now can I?

(GIA shakes her head furiously before running off and grabbing a towel and cleaning up the mess. KATHERINE stands completely oblivious to everything. TOM attempts to help clean the mess, while trying not to get upset at being covered in water himself.)

TOM: (after all the chaotic cleaning is finished) Alright, now would you?

KATHERINE: (ditzy) Would I what?

GRANT: Sing you idiot!

KATHERINE: Well, you don’t have to be so mean about it.

GRANT: (sighs) Just shut up and sing.

(CHLOE begins the song, a frown on her face, her dislike of the song quite obvious on her face. KATHERINE continues to be oblivious to everything going on around her and doesn’t come in with the melody.)

CHLOE: (snarky and almost as if talking to a two year old) You can come in any time you want. I’ll just keep playing this same chord over and over and over until you realize it’s starting time. Okay?

KATHERINE: Huh? ... Oh, right. Can we start over?

GRANT: (massages his temples) Just sing already!

(KATHERINE jumps startled and begins singing, without her music, and CHLOE stops playing in frustration)

TOM: (noticing the impending wrath of GRANT) That’s good. Thank you for that. And we’ll let you know if we need to hear you again.

(GRANT snorts in derision under his breath. TOM shoots him a warning glare, smiling sweetly as KATHERINE walks out.)

CHLOE: If anyone in their right mind thinks that is a good song to audition with, then I’m married to the pope.

GRANT: (laughs then yells out, startling GIA, who was walking in with PATRICK) NEXT! Oh, good Gia, finally learning your responsibilities. ... A guy, this should be refreshing. (snarky) What are you singing, “Memory”?

TOM: (glares at GRANT shushing him) Don’t mind him, he just didn’t have his Wheaties today. (GRANT turns and glares at TOM)

(PATRICK shrugs and gives CHLOE his music and then turns back to the judges.)

TOM: So, what are you singing?

PATRICK: I’m going to be singing “The Music of the Night”.

CHLOE: (sarcastically) Another Lord Webber song, how refreshing.

(PATRICK smiles then nods to start the music. PATRICK sings, very nasally, causing GRANT to plug his ears … again.)

GRANT: That’s enough, thank you, now leave.

(PATRICK walks out dejectedly. GIA rushes in leading in the next victim, I mean auditioner, into the room, ARMANI, who is dressed like a street gangster rapper, despite her obvious difference of appearance.)

GRANT: (rolls his eyes) Oh dear Lord.

ARMANI: (trying to sound gangsta) What what, brother? You got somethin’ against my look? Don’t be hatin’ homie.

TOM: (trying not to laugh, but failing slightly as he ends up chuckling into his hand) Um, thank you. So what are you going to be singing?

ARMANI: I’m gonna be singin that song from the Evita movie. You know, the one with Madonna and Antonio Banderas. Don’t you know that man is smokin’. You got any guys that fine in this play? Because I would be on them like white on rice.

GRANT: (obviously getting frustrated) Just get on with the song!

ARMANI: (gives her music to CHLOE) Alright already, you don’t gotta be gettin an attitude with me, you know. Dang, I was just tryin to make some small talk and such.

(GRANT just glares at ARMANI, to which she just shakes her head before turning and giving CHLOE a nod and starts singing)

GRANT: (interrupting) I think my ears are bleeding! Enough! Stop before I go completely deaf!

TOM: (slaps GRANT with his folder of headshots before turning back to ARMANI) Um, yeah, thanks.

ARMANI: (getting an attitude) Uh uh, you didn’t even let me finish my song. I ain’t goin nowhere til you let me finish my song. The best part is at the end. So you two brothers can just sit back and listen. It took me at least a week to learn this song for your audition.

GRANT: (obviously agitated, mocking the way she’s trying to talk) Well girlfriend, let me tell you somethin, if you think you can sing, you need ear transplants. So I suggest that you just take your faux gangsta ass out of here before we get security to come and drag you out.

ARMANI: (still with an attitude) You just hatin on me because I’m black.

CHLOE: And I’m the Queen of Sheba, so why don’t you just bow down and worship me?

(ARMANI frowns at CHLOE’s comment and starts singing again, without music)

GRANT: (chuckling at CHLOE’s comment before turning back to the problem at hand) SECURITY! (PATRICK walks back in, this time with a security guard’s badge) So that’s why you were so awful. Just get this idiot out of my theater.

ARMANI: (before PATRICK can reach her) Alright, alright. I’m going. I didn’t want to be in your stupid play anyways.

GRANT: (yelling after ARMANI) Good, because you weren’t getting in! (turns back to TOM and CHLOE) That’s one crazy person marked off the list. (takes the headshot and rips it down the middle) That felt good.

TOM: (shakes head at GRANT) You know, sometimes I worry about your sanity.

GRANT: (as if it was a compliment) Why thank you. I would hate to think you’re the only crazy person on my staff. That would be such a shame, don’t you think?

(GIA walks in with EDMUND who is quite obviously a showy personality. He struts over to the piano and thrusts his music out to CHLOE)

EDMUND: (winking at CHLOE) Thanks babe. (turns back to the judges, and obviously flirtatiously) Hello gorgeous.

GRANT: (rolls his eyes) Not another one. (turns to TOM and whispers) Holy fruitcake, Batman. I think he likes you.

TOM: (gasps dramatically, then turns back to Edmund in a snit) So, your name and what song you’ll be singing.

EDMUND: (as per usual for him, over dramatically) I am Giovanni Lorenzo Angelo Fabio Farina. And I will be singing “Bring Him Home”.

TOM: (sifting through the headshots) Um, I don’t have your headshot. Wait, are you Edmund Smith?

EDMUND: (agitated) Yes, but I prefer my stage name, Giovanni Loren ---

GRANT: I think we get the picture, just sing already.

EDMUND: Fine! Hmph.

(EDMUND turns and nods to CHLOE who starts to play, EDMUND starts singing, overdramatically – as per usual – even resulting to jumping onto the judges table singing to TOM, who gets flustered and embarrassed by this display. GRANT, however, finds this extremely amusing, aside from the bad singing. EDMUND gets through most of his song before being stopped by GRANT.)

GRANT: (still chuckling, almost falling out of his chair in amusement) Okay, okay. We get the picture. Thank you and good night. The door is that way and we’ll call you if you get in.

EDMUND: (jumping off the table and winking at TOM) Delicious.

(GRANT falls out of his chair laughing at this last comment. He points to the door, unable to say anything more, just laughing hysterically as EDMUND leaves.)

CHLOE: (laughing as well) Well that was entertaining, don’t you think, Tom?

TOM: (very obviously annoyed) Shut up.

(GIA walks in with ELLA who walks over to the piano and hands CHLOE her music before turning back to GRANT and TOM with a shy smile.)

CHLOE: (seeing the song choice and groaning) “Memory”, my favorite song.

GRANT: (still chuckling to himself from the previous auditioner) Wonderful. So what’s your name?

ELLA: (very shy and with little presence) I’m Ella Walsh.

TOM: (still upset from the previous audition) Well then, Ella Walsh, why don’t you go ahead and sing for us?

(ELLA jumps startled at the harshness and turns to nod to CHLOE who begins playing, quite obviously annoyed at the song choice. However, when ELLA starts to sing, both judges perk up and ELLA is the only auditioner thus far to be able to finish their song.)

(pause. GRANT is the first to recover and looks down at the headshot for ELLA and begins making a few notes on it before looking up and nodding to ELLA.)

GRANT: Right. We’ll call you then.

(ELLA nods, and walks off, obviously thinking that she did a bad job. As soon as she has left the room, TOM turns to GRANT with a smile.)

TOM: Looks like your leading lady there, Grant.

GRANT: Don’t cast them just yet, Tom. Besides, we still have a few more to torture us.

(CHLOE groans and throws the music from the piano, so she doesn’t have to look at it. GIA walks in leading CASSIE in. CASSIE walks over and hands her music to CHLOE.)

TOM: Okay, so what’s your name and song?

CASSIE: I’m Cassie and going to be singing “Gimme Gimme”.

(CASSIE nods to CHLOE who starts playing. CASSIE starts singing and they let her sing for a few minutes before stopping her.)

TOM: Thank you, that was good. We’ll let you know if you get in.

(CASSIE nods with a smile before walking out. GIA walks in leading LACEY, who is most noticeably not carrying any music.)

CHLOE: Um, your music?

LACEY: Oh, no it’s okay, I don’t sing.

GRANT: (flabbergasted) What do you mean, you don’t sing?

LACEY: (simply) I don’t sing. I beatbox.

GRANT: (in disbelief) Beatbox?

LACEY: Yeah, like this. (promptly starts to beatbox, rather badly and is almost instantly stopped by GRANT.)

GRANT: I know what beatboxing is. And thank you, that’s more than enough. Leave. We’ll let you know.

(GIA leads in OLIVIA, who is very obviously a diva. She walks over to the piano and throws her music at CHLOE before spinning around and waltzing back and turning to the judges with a giggle.)

TOM: (almost as if talking to a little kid) And what’s your name and song, sweetheart?

OLIVIA: (with a childish giggle) I’m Olivia Schwartz, and I’m going to be singing “Popular”.

GRANT: Wonderful. (reaches and takes another sip of water, quite obviously wishing it was something a bit stronger)

OLIVIA: I know, isn’t it?

GRANT: (shaking his head) Just sing already.

(OLIVIA gives CHLOE a nod, and she starts to play the music and OLIVIA starts singing, very very very badly. CHLOE stops playing and plugs her ears, and GRANT stands up as if to walk out or forcibly shut her up.)

GRANT: Thank you, that’s more than enough. Goodbye.

OLIVIA: (smiles obliviously) Okay. (exit)

CHLOE: I think my ears are bleeding. Grant, please tell me we’re done.

TOM: (picking up the last headshot) Nope, one more left. By this it should be, Norbert Bates.

(As TOM is reading the name, NORBERT walks in. GRANT gives TOM a double take at the last name. He shakes his head, chuckling under his breath.)

GRANT: (still chuckling) This should be fun. So, what’s your name and what song are you going to be singing?

(TOM gives GRANT a look that is clearly asking his motive for hearing the poor guy’s name again. NORBERT is oblivious to the interaction.)

NORBERT: I’m Norbert Leo Bates. (GRANT bursts out laughing, only to be silenced by a death glare from TOM) I’m going to be singing “One Song Glory”.

TOM: Good, go ahead.

NORBERT: (rushes over and fumbles through a folder to try and find the music to hand to CHLOE, who is obviously not impressed) Right, sorry. Thank you.

(CHLOE sighs before starting to play. NORBERT begins to sing, and both judges and CHLOE are all obviously impressed. NORBERT is the second auditioner to be able to sing through his entire song. There is a moment of silence when he finishes before he starts to awkwardly fiddle with his shirt collar.)

TOM: Wow. Um, thanks. We’ll be in touch.

(NORBERT nods and walks out. Silence for a moment.)

CHLOE: (for once not snarky) Wow.

GRANT: (laughs at CHLOE’s comment) I think the world just ended. Nothing snarky, Chloe?

(CHLOE shoots GRANT a death glare. TOM sighs and turns to GRANT.)

TOM: You know who it is, don’t you?

GRANT: Oh yeah. (holds up two headshots – audience cannot tell whose)

CURTAIN