Psycho Trip

With the knowledge of my childhood, you can better see where I come from with everything I do and how I behave. I know that good things come to those who treat others well. It’s the golden rule that I always follow, treat others the way you want to be treated. It’s a lifestyle that came to me as I got out of high school, but I have always had this idea but I was starting to doubt it.

Through high school I didn’t have much of a social life. I was real shy and reserved, most likely due to the childhood I had experienced. Since I had been around abuse through my life, I thought the right thing to do was to act submissive around the attractive women that I interacted with. I would walk up to the beautiful girls that I saw and have my head lowered, I wouldn’t maintain eye contact and I had posture that made me look like I was afraid of being hit. It’s embarrassing to think about it now but that’s how it was. I was the friend to all the women and nothing I did would change it. I started to get angry with myself but I did find limited success with women. It was mainly outside of my high school when I would have a girlfriend and I logically convinced them to like me. It didn’t do me any good because the relationships would fail because of my poor behavior.

As my success around women faltered through high school, the view I had of myself began to fail as well. I started seeing myself as unattractive to all women and no women would want to be with me. I started thinking of giving up on trying to get the girls and just wait for them to come through my life. I would seek a mate in all the girls I hanged out with and did all the favors they asked of me in an attempt to gain validation and to try and impress them. It was made worse by the fact that guys that weren’t doing as much as me were getting those girls that I had been working at. My view of myself was falling rapidly and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to figure out what I was doing wrong but didn’t know where to turn. I grew pessimistic about everything in my life and didn’t have any real direction to go. I turned to my online games to escape my sour reality. It was a trade off that gave me false hope, as the women I interacted with in game saw my pictures and said I was a cutie. Poor ole me is the phrase that comes to my mind. I had a serious victim mentality and there weren’t a lot of people that liked to be around me.

Even though my life was pretty bad up till my Junior year of high school, I was able to maintain sanity to a certain extent. So, with my bad childhood, I had the facts of the matter that I didn’t want those influences in my life. I followed the view that in order to lead a productive life I need to remember all the bad things that have happened to me in life and not allow those to affect me anymore. That meant that I would take everything that has gone wrong in my life and learn from it. It is the progressive learning experience of being human that I think all people should follow. After all those years of sour life experiences, I had finally found a dimly lit path that would put my life in order.

It was a pretty good year for me on my last year of high school. I held the ground that I had gained through the four years attending that high school and I was thankful to everyone that had been there to support me through my rough times. Even so, graduation was the mark of a new chapter in my life that was a clean slate for me. That new chapter was college. I looked forward to it with upraised eyes and a sight set on the horizon. There were no longer any boundaries to retain my possibilities and I rolled on into my first semester at the college near my grandparents’ house.