Grasping

Chapter Three

Rennie had spent so much time contemplating the events of Saturday night; she had neglected both her homework and her beauty sleep. As tempted as she was to smack the snooze button a few times to up her amount of sleep to an hour and ten minutes, she felt almost relieved that it was time to wake up, and she could finally leave her bed.

Rennie pulled an oversized ribbed turtleneck and a pair of androgynous jeans out of her closet, but returned them just as quickly. Rennie felt like making an effort today.

Though Rennie had gone up a few pants sizes since seventh grade, her weight had redistributed rather than changed. All the tops she had bought in seventh grade still fit her, as did some of the skirts. It hadn’t been until ninth grade, when Rennie had her first and only sort-of boyfriend, that she developed her current modesty. As backwards as it was, Rennie found herself digging through her dated middle school clothing to reinvent herself.

Though Rennie did not have the breasts to truly “fill out” a top, she found that her snug fitting dark green blouse hugged her shape much more nicely than it did when she was in seventh grade. She forsook her typical pigtails and put her bushy hair into a headband. For the first time in two years, she actually bothered to wear mascara and lip gloss.

Hannah came to pick Rennie up, early as usual, at 6:30. Rennie honestly had no idea why Hannah left at 6:30 just to take the parking spot at the very back of the lot, but knew that her opinion hardly counted.

“Wow,” Hannah said. “What’s the occasion?”

Rennie shook her head as she walked out the door. “No occasion. I just felt like looking female today.”

Hannah smiled. “Ooh, Rennie’s got a crush?”

“No!” Rennie shrieked. “I mean…uh…no. No crush. I just…”

“Uh huh,” Hannah said.

“Look, drop it okay?” Rennie pleaded. “I don’t like anyone, no one likes me, and I’m proud of it.”

The two girls got in the car, and Hannah turned up the cacophony of long haired men without vocal ability, abused acoustic guitars, and bongo drums that was her musical preference. “You always say that, but you’ve got to like someone,” Hannah said.

Feeling bold, Rennie took the liberty of turning down the music. “And it’s really none of your business.”

Hannah winced. “Geez. You’re acting really bitchy today. What’s wrong with you?”

What wasn’t wrong with Rennie today? “No offense, Hannah. But you are the last person who’s about to persuade me to have a relationship.”

Hannah glared at Rennie. “Why?” she asked, a sharp, mean tone evident in her voice.

Rennie sighed, not enjoying the trying of her patience. “I’m sorry,” she hissed. “But I’m not letting a girl who goes and gets herself completely trashed at a party and has sex with a guy she’s never met while in rebound from her last abusive boyfriend call me a fucking prude.”

Startled at hearing Rennie swear, Hannah fell silent for a moment. “That wasn’t my fault!” Hannah shouted.

“You went to a party where you knew there would be drugs, you got so trashed you didn’t know which way was up, and you’re telling me you did everything you could to prevent getting into that situation?”

Hannah was enraged. “I had a RIGHT to do that!” she snapped. “He took advantage of me.”

“Then you need to either get yourself to Planned Parenthood or make sure nothing’s wrong or you need to report that he raped you,” Rennie said matter-of-factly.

“I can’t!” she snapped. “I volunteer with those places! Do you know what that would do to my credibility?”

Rennie rolled her eyes. “It would make you even more valuable to the causes you support,” she hissed.

Hannah sighed angrily. “You always go on and on and on about how my relationships are stupid and how I hang around stupid people, then why do I always see you with Melina during show week? I am damn sure that anything you have to do with Melina would be ten times more harmful than anything I could ever do.”

“Melina doesn’t hit me,” Rennie spat.

Hannah eyed Rennie skeptically. “I really hope that’s not all that’s different from what I had with Bryan.”

“And Melina can’t refuse, time and time again to use a condom,” Rennie continued.

Hannah shrieked. “So, what, you’re having sex with her now?”

Offended, Rennie took on the most melodramatically defensive tone imaginable. “Of course not! I would not do something like that.”

Hannah shrugged. “Okay.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Rennie asked bitterly.

“OKAY,” Hannah said, finally pulling into her parking spot as far away from the door as possible. “I mean what I said.”

“Whatever,” Rennie shrugged.

“Are you coming to get breakfast with me, or what?” Hannah asked.

Rennie shook her head. “I’ve got some homework to do before class.”

“Alright,” Hannah snapped, as they made their way to the door. “Whatever. I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Maybe,” Rennie said. “I’ll try.”

“Well,” Hannah hesitated. “Good luck then.”

Right as Hannah disappeared into the building, Rennie caught a glimpse of Melina pulling up in the lot. A familiar feel of anxious, dreaded excitement formed in Rennie’s stomach, and she could not do much but stand perfectly still.

“Hey,” Melina said, lifting her sunglasses to get a better look at Rennie. “You okay?”

Rennie shrugged. “Do you care?”

Melina considered this. “Hmm…probably not.” She smiled. “So what’s up Hannah’s ass today?”

Rennie shook her head. “There’s another thing I’m not doing.”

“What?” Melina asked blankly.

“I’m not listening to her bitch about you, then turning around and bitching about her with you,” Rennie said. “I’m not like that.”

Melina smiled. “Good for you. But I’ve got to wonder sometimes if she doesn’t push you around a bit.”

Rennie bit her lower lip. “You’re probably right, Melina. But then again, who doesn’t?”

Rennie managed somehow to avoid both Melina and Hannah completely for the remainder of the day, and took the bus home. At dinner, she probed her green beans with her fork as if they were bugs she didn’t want to get too close to.

Synchronized, her parents leaned closer to her, staring at once at her untouched food, then at her melancholy expression. “Honey,” her mother said, eyebrows raised melodramatically. “Honey, are you alright?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?” her father asked.

Rennie shook her head. “Nothing. Hannah’s just giving me crap about being single. I really wish she’d knock it off.”
Rennie’s mother drew back a bit. “Well, Rennie,” she said, sighing dramatically. “I don’t think I’d trust Hannah as your source of information, but…you know,” she sighed again. “I worry about you not having a relationship. I mean,” another sigh. “Are you even interested in guys?”

Rennie’s parents were gazing at her as if she were a science project. “Why do you keep asking me this?” Rennie demanded. “I’m not a lesbian. I’ve told you that.”

Rennie’s mother sighed and shook her head. “I know you keep telling me that, Rennie. But it’s not normal for a girl your age not to even be curious about sex with guys. I’m not telling you to go out and go have sex with someone or anything.”

Too late, Rennie thought.

“But I, you know, I worry about you,” her mother hissed. “And I mean…you have to understand that the clothes you wear project a certain image. If you don’t want to be thought of as a lesbian, you can’t dress in these bags you always wear.”

“Does this outfit look like a bag to you?” Rennie asked.

Her mother shook her head. “No,” she said. “You look very nice today. I was going to tell you that. But some of your clothes look kind of dykish. I mean no offense.” She turned to look at her husband. “Am I right, David?”

David appeared to have been woken from a trance. “What? Oh…well, I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with her clothes. But if she wants to be attractive to boys…”

“What’s wrong with focusing on being attractive to colleges for now?” Rennie asked.

“I guess there’s nothing wrong with that for now, but I just think that if you’re not starting to get interested in boys by the time you’re seventeen or eighteen I’m going to get a little worried,” her mother said.
Rennie’s entire body was shaking. “Um…okay, Mom.”

After spending about thirty minutes sitting quietly in her room, her father knocked on the door to hand her the phone.

“Hello,” Rennie said.

“Hey, Rennie,” Hannah said. “It’s me.”

“Hi,” Rennie said. “Look, I’m sorry I trashed you for what happened at that party. It’s just…I’m getting really tired of…”

“That’s fine,” Hannah said abruptly. “I’ve got some news.”

“Okay,” Rennie said. “Well I was just saying it kind of irritates me when…”

“I’m pregnant,” Hannah said bluntly.

“What?” Rennie shrieked. “Are you sure?”

“I took the test,” Hannah said. “I saw a doctor on Sunday and it’s official.”

“Oh,” Rennie said flatly. “That sucks.”

“I think it’s Trevor’s. The guy from the party,” Hannah said.

“Do you know what you’re going to do?” Rennie asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Hannah spat. “I think maybe I’ll jump off a fucking cliff,” she said. “Or maybe I’ll drink eight glasses of orange juice every day for a week straight. Surely turning my bones to cartilage will get rid of this fetus.”

Rennie shrieked. “Hannah! You need to talk to your parents. Or at least go to Planned Parenthood and get some information. I think my parents have a friend who wants to adopt a kid.”

“I don’t know,” Hannah said. “I think I’m going to call Trevor,” she said.

“But didn’t he rape you?” Rennie questioned.

Hannah sighed. “He didn’t rape me. You’re right. I shouldn’t have gotten so trashed. And I don’t know how I acted. I mean, for all I know I might’ve said ‘yes.’”

“Hannah, this is a decision you have to make yourself,” Rennie said. “Leave Trevor out of it.”

“I can’t leave Trevor out of it!” Hannah belted. “He’s the fucking father.”

“And he hasn’t spoken to you since the party,” Rennie said. “Your best bet is to make your decision, then sue his ass for child support.”

Hannah sighed. “I think I’m going to call him. Can I call you back later?”

A welt of guilt formed in Rennie’s stomach. She had to want to hear from her best friend when she was clearly in trouble. But she felt physically ill. “I’ve got a lot of homework,” Rennie said. “So I’ll pick up but I might not be able to talk.”

“Okay,” Hannah said. “Well, I have to go.”

Rennie felt dizzy with shock, confusion, and guilt. She felt guilty for reprimanding Hannah for what she had done, but still just as furious with her friend. She felt equally guilty for wanting to discuss her own concerns with someone and for not having the energy to deal with Hannah’s latest mistake.

As desperate as it made her feel, Rennie scooted into her computer chair and scrolled down her contact list to see who was online. Her only contacts were Mount Holyoke College, a girl she had done a project with for French class, Hannah, and a former boyfriend whose name had not yet been erased from the list. Though she knew no one would be around to speak with her, she went to the trouble of logging in anyway. When the screen finally popped up, it announced that Melina had added her as a friend. As stupid as it made her feel, she accepted.

Melina: Are we speaking to each other now?

Rennie: I guess.

Melina: What do you mean, you guess?

Rennie: Just what I said.

Melina: I’m so bored I’m considering driving my car off a cliff.

Rennie: Not you too.

Melina: What???

Rennie: Nothing.

Melina: Okay.

Melina: You know, even if you don’t want to mess around it doesn’t mean we can’t talk.

Rennie: My mom’s pestering me about why I don’t have a boyfriend.

Melina: What did you tell her?

Rennie: I told her what I tell everyone. I’m focused on getting into college.

Melina: Is that the truth?

Rennie: It’s part of it.

Melina: What’s the other part?

Rennie: I don’t know.

Melina: It’s not like I don’t know plenty else about you that no one else does.

Rennie: Stop it.

Melina: Sorry. Really, I’ll stop.

Rennie: I haven’t had a real crush on any guys in about a year. I feel weird about this.

Melina: About what?

Rennie: About telling you this. Are you interested in me or something?

Melina: No. I just stalk you because I enjoy that terrified look you get on your face when I flirt with you.

Rennie: THANKS! Seriously.

Melina: Seriously, despite what I’m sure Hannah’s told you I wouldn’t pursue you if I had no interest in you whatsoever.

Rennie: You have a boyfriend.

Melina: Yes.

Rennie: But you messed around with me.

Melina: Uh huh.

Rennie: Isn’t that called “cheating?” Or do I not count because I’m a girl.

Melina: Do you even want to count?
Rennie looked away from her keyboard for a moment, feeling a bit sick.

Melina: Are you still there?

Rennie: Yes.

Melina: You haven’t answered my question.

Rennie: Yes. No.

Melina: ?

Rennie: I don’t want to be bi or lesbian or anything. I like boys.

Melina: Sure. Me too.

Rennie: Don’t you?

Melina: Honestly?

Rennie: If you don’t like boys, why is there a video of your first time with some guy floating around the internet?

Melina: Who told you about that?

Rennie: A wandering voice.

Melina: Hannah.

Rennie: Perhaps.

Melina: I was a sophomore. And I was very drunk.

Rennie: I’m sorry.

Melina: It’s cool. There’s a huge difference between exposing your holes for someone and falling in love. There’s also a huge difference between the kind of sex I usually have and the kind I’d like to have.

Rennie: Meaning?

Melina: I’ve fucked a lot of guys. But it’s always about them. They don’t seem to think that the girl’s pleasure is important.

Rennie: That’s just one kind of guy though.

Melina: It is. And I’ve been with the kind of guy you’re talking about. It was good enough, but not great. Can I tell you something without you telling Hannah?

Rennie: Sure.

Melina: I experimented with a girl when I worked as a camp counselor. I figured it was just one more thing I could say I’ve done. But I ended up actually liking it. We were mess around buddies for a few months after camp, and then she sent me a letter saying she was getting married.

Rennie: I’m sorry. What a bitch.

Melina: Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t really into her as a person. It was more good sex if you know what I mean.

Rennie: Do you like me as a person?

Melina: I don’t usually like younger, but I get the impression that you have a lot more self-respect than most girls do. I like that about you.

Rennie: I’m pretty sure an impression is all it is.

Melina: Just because you messed around with me doesn’t make you trash. Maybe I’m not the one to tell you this, but you’re beating yourself up as if you were a prostitute or something. You don’t do everybody and it takes a little bit of work to get you.

Rennie: You like me because I’m a technical virgin?

Melina: Purity isn’t about whether or not you’ve had sex. I think you’re pure because I know you wouldn’t get married to someone you didn’t love. You have dreams beyond community college, and you’re not interested in graduating early from high school so you can marry because you can’t lose your virginity before marriage. A good number of the virgins I know fall into that category. They’re no more pure than a common slut, but they get married as young as possible to the first person who looks at them just so they can have sex.

Rennie: Okay.

Melina: You still didn’t answer my original question of whether or not you’re interested.

Rennie: In what? I don’t really know what you’re offering me.

Melina: Do you like me, at all? Are you even slightly attracted to me?

Rennie: Answer my question first.

Melina: If we like each other, then how is it going to help us to never see each other again and go straight for guys when we don’t even know what we’re looking for? We’ll keep it quiet for now, and if it works out maybe we can make it official. But if it doesn’t, at least you’ll know for a fact that you like men and you’ll be a better kisser.

Rennie: Are you going to stay with your boyfriend?

Melina: I think it would be best, for now. We don’t want to get discovered. Normally I wouldn’t like the thought of cheating on him, but he’s cheating on me.

Rennie: How are we going to figure out if we have anything if we’re still with boys?

Melina: You don’t know if you want to be with me or if you’re going to run away screaming tomorrow. I still don’t know for sure if you’re going to go tell everything I’ve told you to Hannah after you log off. If I had my way, I’d take you someplace really nice and prove to you I’m not all about sex. But I’ve seen how you react to Angela and Christine making out in the hallway. You honestly don’t seem ready for that.

Rennie: You got me. But if this relationship is open on your side, it’s open on my side as well.

Melina: Very well.