Looking Up At The Angels

Did you ever have those nights, where you would lie for hours in bed bothered by something but not knowing exactly what it is. Feeling an incredible heavy weight crushing your ribs and smothering your lungs. Tossing and turning in bed again and again, not even able to force your eyelids to shut. I hate those nights, and lately I’ve been suffering more and more with them. I decided to finally lay on my back and stare at the ceiling pensively. For some aberrant reason, I started to think about Carl. his icy blues danced before my eyes and all what was ringing in my ears was his heart warming laugh. Recently these nights that involved thinking about Carl have drastically increased. All of a sudden nothing in the world could cheer me but his presence, and nothing in the world can trouble my soul but his absence. I sighed finally realizing the pathetic state I have sunk too, the disturbing rush of emotions I started developing around him. Was it normal for a guy to think about his best friend intensely, or did I really start to develop something for him. The idea was too bizarre for me to remain thinking about it. too weird!

Just then, my mobile phone started chiming loudly forcing me to jump from bed and reach to it to shut it. I always hated mobile tones, all of them.

“Hello” I answered before looking at the caller’s ID.

“Hey” a sad familiar voice came from the other line, “cant sleep”

“same” I sighed resting my back on the creaky bed.

“what were you doing?” he asked, mild curiosity hinted from his question.

“thinking” I replied, trying to imagine him lying on his bed. Golden locks spread on his pillow. The scent of his fruity shampoo that I adored immersing his pillow. Sheets sprawled around his lanky thin waist.

“You’ve been doing a lot of that lately” he replied jokingly, but I can still sense the worry in his hoarse voice.

“wanna come over?” I asked pleadingly, regretting my request the instance it burst from my mouth.

“Now?!?” he asked startlingly, sometimes I think my fucking mouth had a brain of its own. “what about your Dad?”

“not even a rampaging hurricane can shake him off sleep” I giggled, “you mean, you can?”

“yeah, beats the hell out of suffering with insomnia on my own. Now I have a partner to share my misery” he added, I can see his wide crooked grin in my mind. His voice was too revealing, you can know his exact expression just by listening to him. Well, I always managed to know anyways. “what about the shore?”

“the shore!” I said hesitantly, “it’ll be freezing”

“I’ll get the duvet” he grinned, “and a pillow if you’re too sensitive to sleep without one”

“Haha, being concerned about the state of my spine isn’t considered sensitivity” I grumbled jokingly.

“just what a wuss is bound to say” he giggled.

“we’ll see when we both turn 60, and you’ll be the one with the hunched back and a huge bump emerging from his lower neck!”

“is it a bet?” he added mischievously. “20?”

“you’re on!” I added laughing silently, “meet you on the beach”

I jumped from my bed and rushed to my bathroom, brushing my teeth insanely and gargling on the mouthwash, although I have done all of that before I curl to bed a few hours ago. Shit, is that a pimple on my chin, AARrgghhhhh, it’s the seize of Pluto!
Hold on, wait a minute, why was I all concerned about how I look all of a sudden!?
Why was I bleeding my gums with a toothbrush and fretting about the odd puberty spot, something really strange is messing with my mind lately. I’m not going on a fucking date with Cameron Diaz, I’m meeting Carl on the beach. Which for some reason gave me an odd wiggling feeling deep down my guts. I remained staring at my reflection for a few moments. Although I was on the verge of turning 18, my features still looked young enough for a 15 year old kid. And my height and soft voice didn’t help either. A pair of huge brown eyes stared back at me, eyes that I had inherited from my mother. from what everyone says about her, my mother was the happiest soul that anyone had ever met. She and Dad were inspirable, childhood sweethearts that lived only for their love , passion, and me. No one ever understood why on that gloomy dark night of my 1st birthday that she decided to pop some pills, draw a warm bath, and slit her wrists the whole way up her arms and elbows. My father was crushed, and from what Nana says, he was never the same after it. I sighed in remorse and shook my head from these dreadful memories, although I was too young to remember anything. instead, I decided to think about something that’ll make me happier.

My imagination started creating the image of Carl again. This time curled in his duvet on the beach, waiting to be cuddled against me. The thought of it made the tip of my ears burn a little and turn a mild shade of crimson. I finally shook my head of all those eerie images, I should find me a way to stop all of this before I drown myself in serious shit!

I grabbed a jacket and sneaked my way through the kitchen door, ‘Sammy’ keen ears heard the silent thuds on the stairs and came sniffing and panting down my feet.

“ sshhh, down boy” I hissed pushing him away gently from my path. Just about when I grabbed the kitchen door knob, a sad whining followed by a gentle grip on my pants forced me to drop to my knees and grab the canine face with both hands.

“Sorry Sammy, cant take you with me this time” I whispered trying to resist the old pleading look he started acting on me, “Oh Common, we both know well that look wont take you anywhere” I huffed rolling my eyes.

He was finally convinced with my tone that all the pleading and whining in the world wont change my mind and resolved in curling beside the laundry basket. I gave him a little wave before taking my way out of the house and straight to the shore. I felt a growing sense of foreboding as I walked through the sinister night to the beach. It was really chilly tonight, the breezes found their way through my heavy coat and penetrated deep to my bones forcing me to shiver and huddle myself as I walked through the shadowy trees, glancing suspiciously around me and getting startled with every chirp and snapped twig on my way. Get a grip on yourself Alex, you look like a virgin school girl who lost her way to church. I should just relax and look forward to the warmness that’s awaiting me on that abandoned beach. Okay, maybe not look forward to it that eagerly.

I finally reached the tail of the shore where was crowded with massive rocks that surfaced from the sand and fenced the area. It was strangely dark, yet very bright in the same time. The moon appeared unusually immense and radiant, reflecting peculiar shadows from the colossal rocks around. I took long strides to my direction, the midst of the beach by the hollowed cave. It’s been always Carl favorite spot, he loved the echoing sound of the waves roaring from the cave. It scared me shitless but always managed to endure Carl in blissful pleasure. I finally spotted him, sitting and staring at the sea ahead. A heavy duvet shadowed over his shoulders while his honey-golden locks gleamed under the moon light like magic. The scene took me by surprise as I stood there in total awe admiring his peaceful state. What’s going on? Why all of a sudden the scene of Carl on the beach became so… so alluring? I just couldn’t take my eyes of him, sitting on the soft cold sand and hugging his knees. I finally realized I have been holding my breath all along and let out a loud exhale, loud enough for him to turn his head and notice my presence.

“What took you so long?” he asked. There was no scolding in his voice, or the least bit of bother. Just a warm, welcoming tone that made me feel all tingly from the inside. He finally smiled and with a small gesture offering me to sit beside him.

“Sammy was being a pain in the ass” I said taking my place beside him. He involuntary pressed his body against my own in an attempt to warm us both. The sudden closeness just resulted to force me in a state of cold sweat and goose bumps.

“ why didn’t you bring him with you?” he asked throwing his arm around my shoulder. The feeling of his lanky arm touching the back of my neck caused every hair on my body to stand on its end. What the hell? Why was I being so edgy around him all of a sudden?

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my weekend looking for him in here and you know that!” I replied tensing up to the touch of his hot breaths on my neck.

“Sorry, stupid question” he replied in a whisper . He laid down pulling me with him in the same time. I decided to rest my head on his stretched arm, a position we had performed many times but oddly this time, it felt different. We said nothing, just laying back on the beach admiring the portrait of glistening stars above us and listening to the gentle whispers of the beach as the water hit the shore and withdraw back. I pressed my longing body against his, trying to sustain the warmness that we thrived to have. His other arm wrapped around my waist tightly, causing another rush of butterflies in my stomach.

“what are you thinking about?” his hoarse whisper startled me as I turned to face his eyes, they shone with apparent curiosity which made my guts tighten even more.

“I…I really don’t know” I replied ashamedly. Seriously, I didn’t know why was I feeling or thinking that about him. It was about to blow my mind and I had no clue how to describe it.

“You don’t know?” he rose his head, eyeing me suspiciously. “how is that possible?”

“if I knew I wouldn’t be up every night trying to figure it out” I sighed demurely. His apprehensive gaze turned to a comforting glint as he cuddled himself against me.

“sounds like hell” he giggled leaning his head against my own. All the time my arms were stretched by my sides limply, till I decided to turn on my side facing him and wrap them around his waist. Now, that’s something I never did, even with him. That’s why I was faced with an astounded grin and a tighter grip from his part.

“Cold?” his hoarse whisper tingled my neck.

“Yeah” I replied shyly. Blushing heavily from noticing his eager eyes that were fixated on me. We remained staring at each other for what seemed like hours, silently, not sharing a single word. I struggled to know the kind of thoughts that were clouding his mind, and his eyes too which reflected a glowing daze. He pressed his forehead against my own, the pace of his breathing increasing with every passing second. I didn’t have the slightest idea what to do next, my head was flooding with all kinds of noise and chaos. Screams that I couldn’t comprehend, racing thoughts that were giving me a dizzy spell. The sound of my beating heart deafened me as it echoed mercilessly in my mind. I closed my eyes and wished for all that to stop, all the noise and din to fade away. I could feel a gentle hand stroking my flushed cheek as I whimpered to myself, even the warm touch of the tender strokes couldn’t force my eyelids to open. Then I felt a warm breath that had a slight scent of root beer and peppermint against my face. A breath I inhaled fervently. By now, the gentle strokes traveled from caressing my cheeks to trailing my parted lips. All what I did was lay there with closed eyes, wishing for this bliss to continue for eternity. The grip around my waist was getting tighter, forcing the fanatical beatings of my heart to increase insanely. What happened next turned my world upside down, made every fact and standard I ever knew crumble away. Warm, wet lips collided against my own, kissing gently. Suddenly all the noise stopped, everything went silent. All the racket in my mind disappeared, the sound of the waves and the roars from the nearby cave faded away. There was nothing around but me, Carl and this kiss. Everything else around grew numb and silent. The kissing and licking increased in pace, becoming more sensual and passionate. I could feel his saliva penetrate every pore in me, dance in my bloodstream and become part of me. It all continued until I felt I was silently pulled into a world of exploding colors and distant laugher. The only thought that echoed in my mind again and again, this was too good to be real.

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