Guide To The Best Porn Fic EVER!

(Caution: A few things WILL be offensive, so don’t bitch about it.)

How To Make The Best Porn Fic EVER!!! (Part the third: For seasoned veterans only, and I don’t mean seasoned as in those curly fries you get at Denny’s.)

I was a little saddened when someone declared in a review that I didn’t know everything there was to know about writing fan fiction when it comes to tentacle porn. Well Mr or Mrs. fan of this story, I’ve got news for you. Tentacle porn was going to show up in the seasoned veterans section, how do you like them straight bandannas!? *Wipes brow* (Whew! Dodged that bullet.)

Ok now in seasoned veteran writing you must fulfill a few requirements in order to proceed.
1.) You’re underage and shouldn’t be on this site.
2.) You’re a stereotypical high school goth.
3.) You own a small black poetry journal.
4.) You belong in Germany due to your weird sex fetishes.
5.) You’ve watched the Breakfast Club about twenty times and still think it’s fucking amazing.
6.) George Lucas is your hero.
7.) You claim to have never watched Barney or Teddy Ruxpin in your youth.
8.) You draw pictures of chicks on bondage and got a thing for blood.
The last two steps are optional and can be replaced with any of the above if you don’t fall into the categories, however they both involve hoola skirts and sacrificing goats and since this covers damn near anyone I’m just going to pass you anyways and promote you to the next level.

Congrats you are now Level 3 writers. You have 3 attribute points. If you haven’t been keeping up on your stat sheet it should look like this.

Name: Dude- Level: 3- Class: Some Loser

Str: 12 (Gives higher writing stamina and a resistance to writers cramp. At 17 points you will be able to resist bad Chinese food.)
Dex: 16 (How fast you can write and how well you can dodge writers block. Items like tenser bandages will increase this stat.)
Con: 8 (How many beers you can drink while writing before you pass out. The lower this stat the higher your risk is of people drawing on you while you sleep.)
Wis: 13 (The maturity and insight of ones story. At 11 points you will no longer stick your foot in a microwave and take pictures.)
Int: 14 (The originality of your ideas and how many people you can rip off without too many people noticing.)
Cha: 11 (How sexy you are… Yeah, that’s about it.)

This is what mine looks like.

Name: Hank- Level: Manly- Class: God Almighty of AFF

Str: Incredible Hulk

Dex: Spiderman

Con: Superman

Wis: Duke Nuke'em

Int: Bob Barker

Cha: Antonio Handsome

(Pretty bitchin’ eh?)


Now on with the guide. Lets start with the show stoppers themselves.

1.) Harry Potter And The Tentacle Beast That Loved Him

Now lets get something straight people. Any low level writer can write a fic where some chick is suspended in the air while a tentacle monster has it’s way with her, but lets grow some bullocks and venture out a little on the plains of originality. 1: Consensual + 2: Man Sex = Awsome.

We catch our hero and lead character in the forbidden woods just outside of Hogwarts School to find Harry Potter alone and looking for something he craves desperately. His heart it beating and yearning with excitement. Could it be a beautiful girl he met? Could it be the forbidden man his libido lusts for? No! It’s a one of Hagrid’s creatures from space! A giant, drooling, green, mucus covered tentacle blob! Upon Harry’s first discovery he ventured to touch this mysterious thing to find its body slippery, however after running his hand along it the thing moaned in pleasure, much like the time Drako did when Harry bent him over and thrust into him wildly. Was Harry pleasuring beast? Was it a warning?

Harry got brave and ran both hands along the moist body of the creature. The thick pre-lubed tentacles started to move and vibrate as Harry caressed the body of the blob and was eventually stopped when a strange tugging on his leg became apparent. Harry looked down to see one of the tentacles searching for something, but what? Harry reached down and touched the thing and when he did it vibrated a little. It was a curious reaction indeed so Harry moved forward in his research and stroked the thing further. It started vibrating more and more with each stroke until it finally stiffened up and shot some white goo out the tip. Harry’s head shot to the side just narrowly missing the thing’s offering. “What was that?” He said a tad puzzled and when he looked up he saw that the creature had a full body blush on it and if he didn’t know any better he would have thought the thing was slightly embarrassed.

After a few moments of thought Harry started to smile, “Oh I get it… There’s nothing to be ashamed of… I’m a little shy myself.” The creature made something like a sigh of relief and that’s when Harry had to ask. “Are you lonely out here?”

The creature couldn’t speak but it seemed to understand his words, so it made a groaning sound in place of yes. Harry smiled again and started stroking the tentacle again. “I don’t mind playing with you if you don’t mind playing with me.”

The thing was startled and made something of a groan of protest. Harry shook his head and said, “Of course I don’t mind. Ever since I met Drako, I have become a lot more open minded.” Slowly the creature revealed more of its hidden away tentacle and they just made Harry even happier. “The more the better!”


(Pretty hot scene eh? That there’s straight bananas. Just to speed things up I’ll tell you how the rest of this pans out real quickly. Basically Harry and swamp thing get it on and after a while Drako will be out looking for his love and eventually finds him entangled in a penisy tower of sex. Yada yada, Drako gets a piece of the action and they both walk funny the rest of the way home. The End. And that there is your tentacle section.)


2: A disturbing little thing called ‘Blood Play’.

One would think I would be astonished by the fact that this is NOT most commonly seen vampire fics, but ninja and samurai fics, however my character class says that I know fucking everything and there’s no such thing as surprise in my world. (This actually blows a little.) Anyways in this blood play section I’m going to cover two topics in one using Naruto as an example. Now there are two characters, Sasuke and Itachi. They are brothers and they do not like each other. That’s called foreplay if I’ve ever heard it!

Now Sasuke and Itachi are going to fight the big fight until Sasuke, who is the little/weaker brother, get his ass kicked and becomes Itachi’s sexual bitch. In an incest fic between Sasuke and Itachi, remember that Sasuke is always on the bottom. Dominance just isn’t his thing. Ok so now they’ve been going at for while, maybe add in a crying scene with Sasuke, but now you have to get the blood running. Remember that these guys have just fought and maybe have a few wounds in, on and about them. Now it doesn’t really matter who starts the licking of the blood, just remember that for some unknown reason they are both into it. Also remember that these guys are ninjas and have access to things that cut. Somewhere out there in the dark bowels of the Internet someone will be jacking off to slashed wrist fics, so now it’s your time to shine.

NEXT!


3: It’s Not Rape! It’s Surprise Sex!

In a rape fic, or as professionals call it, an unwilling sexual dominance fic, or as realists call it, a rape fic, we find that someone is being forced to the ground/bed/desk and is having something done to them against their will, but remember that this is an art, and not a mindless scribble. Now for lack of a better example I’m going to pull something random out of my almighty ass and this time it’s not going to be this world’s light. Upon spinning the wheel of random anime we find it landing on Appleseed… Ok, fuck that it’s too hard to work with; we’re going over to Ninja Turtles because it’s easier and I don’t remember a single fucking thing from Appleseed.

Remember that old school cartoon you used to watch when Megaman on the Nintendo was still cool. Fuck that it’s still cool, but remember how nosy April O’Neal was? Do you also remember those henchmen of the all-powerful Shredder? Bebop and Rocksteady. Yeah, you all know what I’m talking about. Well lets just say they are both horny and in need of getting onto Shredder’s good side. Well the ninja turtles always seem to save her when they capture her so why not try something new and initiate plan B. Operation Surprise Sex! All you really have to do just have the two beast men have their way with her while she screams something like “NOOO! DON’T!” or “IT’S TOO BIG!” or “PLEASE STOP!” and have Bebop ATM (Ass To Mouth) her just for good measure. The key things to remember here are that in a rape fic you must make it as angsty as humanly possible and do one of three things at the very end. 1: April commits suicide. 2: You find out that April wanted to be raped on purpose. (Fun fact: You can’t rape the willing.) 3: She casts a spell that “casts them to hell for their sins where they would forever be consumed by festering maggots and burned alive after being castrated, something, something, generic blood and gore, you get it.” Doesn’t that just say art right there? Not once did I think dipshit, emo high school kid trying to be cool. The only other thing that you have to make sure of it that in a rape fic there is a very thin line between “art” and just outright offensive. Most people seem to prefer the latter for some reason.

4: Think Germany? Now Think About Reverse Child Birth!

One thing that will never be truly understood is the strange urges we all have from time to time. Remember back in grade 10 when you got to watch that video in science class of the chick giving birth. Do you also remember what that guy across the room did when the teacher left? He picked up the remote, started giggling and hit the rewind button. And then every one else started laughing because you were now watching the doctor shove the meat football back into the vagina. Every one laughed at that except for a few preppy chicks and that one weird guy. You know why the weird guy didn’t laugh? It was because he just got the best mystery boner he’d ever had and was getting ready to blow. You know what he wanted to do after he saw that? He wanted to construct a giant pussy, cover it in KY jelly, climb in and start stroking his dude piston. Now that I’ve given you enough clues, you fill in the blanks o’ veterans.


5: Closing This Section of The Guide
Still need tips on how to go on? Don’t worry there’ll be more guides to come so just rush yourself and don’t use a spell check, you don’t need those silly things, you’re writings perfect and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Delete all flamed reviews and find out their MSN name so you can harass them non-stop with petty little squabbles. I’m here for you and so is this guide.

If you have any questions or feel that I have not covered your preference of fan fiction then please send it to PO Box Review This Story and I shall consider it for the next guide and tell you exactly how to write it.


(There’s one more for all of ya, and I can’t believe I forgot tentacle porn. I’m sorry. Anyways I thought I’d cover all that outright nasty shit in this section and get it over with. Till next, have fun and party hard.)