Butterfly Collector

I scanned the room looking for that nights prey. The air was thick and smelled of tobacco and sweat. I had acquired a small fame at this club. As soon as I\'d burst though the doors I\'d enter another dimension. No longer would the self-loathing, half-wit, that goes by the same name as me, drag me to her level.

All the lonely men would forget their troubles and just pray that I would help heal them while trying to heal myself. Heal the many wounds that I always picked apart and reopened just to hurt myself once more. To use myself once more. The moment is killed but the memories always last.

Will shuffled past the bouncers at the door. His eyes met mine from across the room, sending chills up and down my spine. Something was wrong with him. Maybe I was just being paranoid but the glances he gave me sent waves of emotions through me. Sadness. That was what I received from him but it was all too obvious at this point to deny that something was hurting him. He sucked in the emotions before they sucked him dry.


\"Phillip says you live up to the fuss.\"
\"And it\'s a hot fuss at that.\"
\"You must be pretty spectacular then, Shirl. Oh, I knew there had to be a reason where every time you walk in a room all the men\'s eyes light up.\"
\"Do you often stare into other men\'s eyes?\"


He didn\'t respond. Will just turned away from me and left me to chat with another woman. His girlfriend of three years. The feelings that had ravaged me, burned me, caused me to fall to pieces only sparked back up as he leaned in for a kiss from the woman who stole my love away from me. Even though he never was mine.


I giggled and flirted only when I caught Will\'s eye. Even if his eyes never stayed on me. I started off with a boy who looked not a day over 18, myself being 32, out the door. I prayed that the mask that slipped on in the club wouldn\'t fail me outside. Before I could attempt to see if the confident Shirley would prevail, an arm grabbed mine and roughly threw me into an alley.

I leaned against a dirty, brick, wall and rolled my eyes as I noticed Will telling his girl to wait for him patiently in the car. Will ground his teeth together slowly. That was an annoying habit he had ever since our elementary days.

\"What do you want Will?\"
\"Ha, you\'ve got some nerve talking to me like that after what you\'ve done.\"
\"Ok, you\'re not going to think I\'m serious but, what did I do?\"
\"Fuck my brother and then go try and fuck some other guy the next night.\"

There was something unbearably sexy about him when he was angry. His neck would stick out and he\'d flail his arms around in perfect rythym.


If he only didn\'t have a girlfriend.

\"You know Phil thinks you\'re dating now.\"
\"What? That was not part of the deal. It was a fuck him and run thing. You promised.\"
\"God, you\'re coming off like a total bitch.\"
\"I didn\'t shove you in a dark alley only to yell at you. It seems like that\'s all you do anymore. What happened to the fun Will? What happened to lil Willy?\"


Will sighed and looked down at the cracked concrete as a breeze flew by. His auburn hair brushed his cheekbone slightly. It looked as though he was blushing, afraid of what he had become.

\"What happened to the innocent Shirl? What happened to the girl I loved?\" He spoke softly never looking up towards me flushed face.

Love? You fucked up big time Shirl.

\"Love?\" I questioned aloud this time. My voice shaky, barely recognizable.
\"I used to love you and then you changed.\" He drifted off as if remembering the past years when we would play together in the sun laughing. Life was so much easier back when we were kids. We didn\'t care what others thought of us. For all we knew, none of them existed. It was only us. together in world that would soon knock us down.


\"How did I change? Why didn\'t you tell me you loved me?? How could you not tell me you loved me??\" I was rambling in a state of confusion trying to sort the mess he had just made out.
\"It was Sean that changed you.\"

His voice was only a mere whisper now. I paused unsure of what to say. The right things to say were all in my mind but I didn\'t know how to release them.

\"He changed you physically and mentally. You were so sweet and optimistic and perfect. Then he took all there ever was away from you.\"
\"Not that there was that much.\"
\"It was a lot to me. It was all I had.\"
\"Why didn\'t you tell me?\"
\"I knew you didn\'t like me and don\'t deny it now. Plus, you had Sean and you weren\'t going to let him go anytime soon and I knew it. Now all you do is drift from club to club looking for more butterflies to collect. Heaven knows why. I would think you\'d want commitment.\"


I brushed him aside and walked off. I didn\'t need him telling me what I already knew.


\"Don\'t act like you\'re not a collector. You\'re the queen of the collectors.\"
\"Do you ever wonder why?\" I snapped back in a harsh tone that was sure to send him reeling.
\"I already know why. It\'s Sean.\"
\"No, it isn\'t Sean. It\'s you. I let Sean go a long time ago. But I can\'t seem to do the same to you.\"