Seren's Story

The summer seemed to go by quickly. At a fourth of July party thrown by some friends from school, I got drunk and had consensual sex for the first time with the Australian foreign exchange student. “Have you done this before?” He had asked as he rounded third base. “No.” I had replied and the lie felt as if it were piercing the back of my throat.

He called me the next afternoon. He really did seem to be a good guy, but no sooner than I hung up the phone than my father bombarded me with interrogating and personal questions.

“You had sex with him?!” He fumed.

“No, daddy, I didn’t.” I lied again, but this one didn’t hurt.

“You little slut!” He threw his hand across my face. It didn’t seem to hurt when he struck me anymore. Nothing felt like anything. “You let him see your filthy naked body, and you had sex with him!” He grabbed my long braid and yanked my head back. He tore at my clothes and after only a few minutes, ripped them off completely. He shoved me into the middle of the living room, wearing nothing but my bra and underwear.

“I didn’t do anything, daddy, I swear!” I cried, tears pouring from my eyes. I watched in terror as he removed his leather belt from the closet. He hit me repeatedly with it. He lashed at me, front and back, top to bottom, until I fell to my knees and begged him to stop. He walked up in front of me as I bawled. I looked up at his face. “I didn’t do anything…” I said weakly.

“You’re going to do for me exactly what you did for him.” He said cruelly as he reached into his pants. He pulled himself out and grabbed me by the hair again. “Touch it.” He ordered.

“No, daddy, I…”

He hit me across the side of my head. “TOUCH IT!”

I reached my hand up, feeling as if everything was moving in slow motion, and I touched his penis.

“Now open your mouth.”

I looked up at him again, pleading with my eyes. “Don’t, daddy, please…”

He struck me again. “Do it!”

I closed my eyes tightly and he shoved himself in my mouth repeatedly, holding the back of my head as I cried.

I spent a week in early August at Spirit Camp for cheer. I was just happy to be away from my father for a week, and to be able to act like a teenager again. I spent most of my spare time sleeping, I felt so exhausted. By the time camp was over, I’d almost managed to push him completely from my mind.

My senior year of high school started the last week of August, and I felt such relief to not have to spend so much time at home. Chase, the Australian exchange student, tracked me down the first week.

“I haven’t heard from you all summer.” He said. “I thought…”

“I know… it’s just…” I paused and looked into his eyes. This was someone whom I thought I might be able to love. “My life is complicated right now.” I stared at my shoes for a moment.

“Well, I just thought that maybe we could, you know, hang out sometime.”

“I’d like that, I really would, but I can’t right now. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind. I like you; I really really do, but…”

“It’s okay, I understand.” He looked hurt. “You used me, that’s all.” He walked away tensely.

I stared after him, watching him leave, and I wanted to cry again. I desperately wanted to call after him to wait, but I couldn’t gather up enough courage, so I let him walk out of my life.

During the first month of school, I found myself nodding off in my classes. It didn’t matter how much sleep I got, I always seemed to be tired. I’d get home from work at night and would barely be able to keep my eyes open to make supper. I would scarcely wake up when my father would crawl into bed with me at night. “You’re getting fat.” He said one night as he left my room.

I woke up in the morning, hardly remembering his visit the night before and looked at myself in the mirror. ‘I am getting fat.’ I thought to myself groggily as I got in the shower. My pants and cheer skirts were getting tight around the waist, and my bra barely fit anymore.

I forced my low rise jeans to button up, threw on a shirt and went to school. The thought plagued me all day long in the back of my mind. I would have to work harder in cheer and dance. Then something dawned on me just after lunch. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had my period. It definitely wasn’t last month, but had I had one in July? I couldn’t remember.

I sat in my English class, the last class of the day before cheer practice, thoughts about being pregnant racing through my mind. I couldn’t be. I refused to believe it. Chase pulled me aside after class to talk to me.

“Seren, are you… you know…” He didn’t seem to be able to push out the words.

“Am I what?”

“Well, I’ve noticed that you’ve put on a little weight, and I was wondering, since we, well, you know…” he paused and leaned in close to whisper in my ear. “Are you pregnant?”

“What?!” I snapped without thinking.

“Well, I mean, I know we used protection, but it … I wouldn’t be mad if you are. I really like you, and…”

“Chase, no. I’m not.” I could feel my face burning from embarrassment. I hated lying to him, though… I didn’t know, so maybe it wasn’t lying.

The thoughts continued to consume me all during cheer practice. I didn’t work as hard as usual; I only went through the motions.

I stopped at the convenience store on my way to work and bought a test. I sat in my car and stared at the box warily before I went in. I read the packaging over and over, it must have taken 15 minutes for me to open the box and hastily shove the wrapped test into my purse and go into the ER.

I stashed my purse away in my locker and tried to forget about it until my shift was over. My locker seemed to glare at me every time I took a break, but I managed to wait and to not torment myself about it too much.

I stopped at a diner on my way home to use the bathroom. I took the test with me.

I sat in the stall, my heart racing and beating in my throat and watched as a bright pink plus sign appeared slowly in the second window. The test dropped to the floor with a small plastic sound and I cried into my hands.