Battle of the Sexes
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,313
Reviews:
0
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,313
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
The Discussion
Author\'s Note: This chapter, is a look on a married couiple talking at bedtime.This story is a humorous look at married life so don\'t take too seriously. I would really appreciate it if you would review, I would really like to know what you think of it. Also if you have any suggestions to make it better please tell me through a review, or email me.
THE DISCUSSION
“To sleep, perchance to dream…” As long as it isn’t a nightmare—
(Curtain rises, showing a man and woman in bed. The woman is sitting up, thinking. The man is sleeping.)
WIFE
There\'s something we need to talk about.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE
Now.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE(GRABS HUSBAND’S SHOULDER AND SHAKES)
Now.
HUSBAND
Who-What? The alarm went off already? I swear I fell asleep only a minute ago. (Pause.) It\'s one o\'clock in the morning! What\'s the emergency?
WIFE
We need to talk.
HUSBAND
Can\'t it wait?
WIFE
I\'ve been waiting for three days.
HUSBAND
Why\'d you wait so long? Couldn\'t we have discussed this during dinner?
WIFE
I tried to discuss this with you at dinner. You were too busy talking about how your day went to listen. Then you wanted to watch that—that mini-series. Do you know what it feels like to be second-fiddle to a TV program?
HUSBAND(GROANS)
Okay..I\'m sorry. But why the middle of the night? Can\'t we do this after dinner tomorrow?
WIFE
No, because you after-dinner-tomorrowed me all last week. If we don\'t discuss this now, I\'ll do it on my own, and we can have a re-run of painting the living room.
HUSBAND(GULPS)
Uh—you\'re right, dear. What did you want to talk about?
WIFE
Do we plant wildfire roses or lilacs in the space next to the garden?
HUSBAND
You woke me at one o\'clock in the morning to ask me—! (Pause. Deep breath.) You\'re right, dear. Tell me what you want to do.
WIFE
Okay. I\'m thinking the lilacs would be nice, but I can\'t find enough varieties.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE
The roses have the varieties, but they\'re too hard to care for.
HUSBAND
I see.
WIFE
So, I thought maybe if we mix and match...
HUSBAND
Yes, dear. Good idea.
WIFE(PAUSES)
We could put in a few man-eating Venus flytraps.
HUSBAND
Good idea. Variety.
WIFE
Wake up! You\'re talking in your sleep again—!
ACT IV: HOMEWORK
(Curtain rises, showing HUSBAND and WIFE sitting at a table.)
WIFE
Dear, would you clean up after dinner tonight? I have to help Beth with her homework.
HUSBAND
But the Lakers game is--er...I was going to help Beth with her homework.
WIFE
Thank you, dear, but after you \'helped\' her with her geography assignment, she decided my help was better.
HUSBAND
But I did help her. What\'s the problem?
WIFE
Oh? Since when is Yugoslavia located inside of Russia?
HUSBAND
It was part of the Soviet block.
WIFE
No, it was part of the Communist block. That does not mean it was located inside of Russia. If you\'re still referring to it as the Soviet block, your history is as rusty as your geography.
HUSBAND
Now, wait a minute! I know the Soviet Union fell apart. My history isn\'t that bad.
WIFE
Okay, Professor--when did the Soviet Union fall apart, and what happened to its satellite states?
HUSBAND
Uh...um...1989, and they\'re still orbiting.
WIFE
No, the Berlin Wall came down in 1989; the Soviet Union fell apart later. (Pause.) What do you mean, they\'re still orbiting?
HUSBAND
Orbiting the earth. I\'m sure Sputnik isn\'t up there any more, but they\'ve sent a lot up there since—
WIFE
Sputnik? I\'m talking satellite states! Byelorussia, the Ukraine, Georgia—
HUSBAND
Georgia? When did they invade the U.S.?
WIFE
They didn\'t. One of the satellite states is named Georgia. And if you try to explain Sputnik to her, she\'ll cry that she isn\'t studying ancient history.
HUSBAND
Ancient history! That isn\'t ancient history, it\'s...it\'s...
WIFE
Now, let\'s see...it was about fifty years ago, wasn\'t it? And how old is Beth?
HUSBAND
That\'s no excuse! She should know about things like that--!
WIFE
I remember a comment you made to your father once, about Tommy Dorsey.
HUSBAND
That was supposed to be a joke.
WIFE
I\'d say the joke\'s on you, now.
HUSBAND
All right, maybe I am a little behind the times. Still, I should be able to help her with something...how about math?
WIFE
Hmmm. Maybe you\'re right. Here\'s her math book; she\'s supposed to finish these problems.
HUSBAND
Ah, that\'s more like it. I remember this stuff: lines, angles, equations...I was quite good at it. I was at the top of my class until my...senior...year—
WIFE
Something wrong, dear?
HUSBAND
Are you sure you gave me the right book? I mean, it looks like math, but it doesn\'t look like any math I\'m familiar with—
WIFE
She said they\'re studying simultaneous equations, using matrix manipulation. That\'s this week--next week, they\'re supposed to be doing probability.
HUSBAND
\'Find the inverse of this three-by-three matrix. Show each step, indicating the adjoints and their associated cofactors. Show which solutions are within the proper domain, and which violate--\' What is this? It doesn\'t sound like any math I ever had.
WIFE
Oh, didn\'t you know? There\'ve been at least three versions of \'New math\' that\'ve come out since Beth started school. Now, if you really want to help her with it, maybe you should do a little studying on your own first. I\'m sure she\'d appreciate seeing an adult struggling with it as she does.
HUSBAND
Uh...what if I fix dinner and clean up afterwards? (Looks at wife.) For the next two days?
WIFE
Okay...if you also do the laundry and clean out the garage as you\'ve been promising to do for the past two months. And no take-out or pizza--!
THE DISCUSSION
“To sleep, perchance to dream…” As long as it isn’t a nightmare—
(Curtain rises, showing a man and woman in bed. The woman is sitting up, thinking. The man is sleeping.)
WIFE
There\'s something we need to talk about.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE
Now.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE(GRABS HUSBAND’S SHOULDER AND SHAKES)
Now.
HUSBAND
Who-What? The alarm went off already? I swear I fell asleep only a minute ago. (Pause.) It\'s one o\'clock in the morning! What\'s the emergency?
WIFE
We need to talk.
HUSBAND
Can\'t it wait?
WIFE
I\'ve been waiting for three days.
HUSBAND
Why\'d you wait so long? Couldn\'t we have discussed this during dinner?
WIFE
I tried to discuss this with you at dinner. You were too busy talking about how your day went to listen. Then you wanted to watch that—that mini-series. Do you know what it feels like to be second-fiddle to a TV program?
HUSBAND(GROANS)
Okay..I\'m sorry. But why the middle of the night? Can\'t we do this after dinner tomorrow?
WIFE
No, because you after-dinner-tomorrowed me all last week. If we don\'t discuss this now, I\'ll do it on my own, and we can have a re-run of painting the living room.
HUSBAND(GULPS)
Uh—you\'re right, dear. What did you want to talk about?
WIFE
Do we plant wildfire roses or lilacs in the space next to the garden?
HUSBAND
You woke me at one o\'clock in the morning to ask me—! (Pause. Deep breath.) You\'re right, dear. Tell me what you want to do.
WIFE
Okay. I\'m thinking the lilacs would be nice, but I can\'t find enough varieties.
HUSBAND
Yes, dear.
WIFE
The roses have the varieties, but they\'re too hard to care for.
HUSBAND
I see.
WIFE
So, I thought maybe if we mix and match...
HUSBAND
Yes, dear. Good idea.
WIFE(PAUSES)
We could put in a few man-eating Venus flytraps.
HUSBAND
Good idea. Variety.
WIFE
Wake up! You\'re talking in your sleep again—!
ACT IV: HOMEWORK
(Curtain rises, showing HUSBAND and WIFE sitting at a table.)
WIFE
Dear, would you clean up after dinner tonight? I have to help Beth with her homework.
HUSBAND
But the Lakers game is--er...I was going to help Beth with her homework.
WIFE
Thank you, dear, but after you \'helped\' her with her geography assignment, she decided my help was better.
HUSBAND
But I did help her. What\'s the problem?
WIFE
Oh? Since when is Yugoslavia located inside of Russia?
HUSBAND
It was part of the Soviet block.
WIFE
No, it was part of the Communist block. That does not mean it was located inside of Russia. If you\'re still referring to it as the Soviet block, your history is as rusty as your geography.
HUSBAND
Now, wait a minute! I know the Soviet Union fell apart. My history isn\'t that bad.
WIFE
Okay, Professor--when did the Soviet Union fall apart, and what happened to its satellite states?
HUSBAND
Uh...um...1989, and they\'re still orbiting.
WIFE
No, the Berlin Wall came down in 1989; the Soviet Union fell apart later. (Pause.) What do you mean, they\'re still orbiting?
HUSBAND
Orbiting the earth. I\'m sure Sputnik isn\'t up there any more, but they\'ve sent a lot up there since—
WIFE
Sputnik? I\'m talking satellite states! Byelorussia, the Ukraine, Georgia—
HUSBAND
Georgia? When did they invade the U.S.?
WIFE
They didn\'t. One of the satellite states is named Georgia. And if you try to explain Sputnik to her, she\'ll cry that she isn\'t studying ancient history.
HUSBAND
Ancient history! That isn\'t ancient history, it\'s...it\'s...
WIFE
Now, let\'s see...it was about fifty years ago, wasn\'t it? And how old is Beth?
HUSBAND
That\'s no excuse! She should know about things like that--!
WIFE
I remember a comment you made to your father once, about Tommy Dorsey.
HUSBAND
That was supposed to be a joke.
WIFE
I\'d say the joke\'s on you, now.
HUSBAND
All right, maybe I am a little behind the times. Still, I should be able to help her with something...how about math?
WIFE
Hmmm. Maybe you\'re right. Here\'s her math book; she\'s supposed to finish these problems.
HUSBAND
Ah, that\'s more like it. I remember this stuff: lines, angles, equations...I was quite good at it. I was at the top of my class until my...senior...year—
WIFE
Something wrong, dear?
HUSBAND
Are you sure you gave me the right book? I mean, it looks like math, but it doesn\'t look like any math I\'m familiar with—
WIFE
She said they\'re studying simultaneous equations, using matrix manipulation. That\'s this week--next week, they\'re supposed to be doing probability.
HUSBAND
\'Find the inverse of this three-by-three matrix. Show each step, indicating the adjoints and their associated cofactors. Show which solutions are within the proper domain, and which violate--\' What is this? It doesn\'t sound like any math I ever had.
WIFE
Oh, didn\'t you know? There\'ve been at least three versions of \'New math\' that\'ve come out since Beth started school. Now, if you really want to help her with it, maybe you should do a little studying on your own first. I\'m sure she\'d appreciate seeing an adult struggling with it as she does.
HUSBAND
Uh...what if I fix dinner and clean up afterwards? (Looks at wife.) For the next two days?
WIFE
Okay...if you also do the laundry and clean out the garage as you\'ve been promising to do for the past two months. And no take-out or pizza--!