Guide to Dirty Talk
Role Play
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From the author of both “Guide
to Dirty Talk” and “Guide to
Guide to Role-playing
Oh yeah. You thought I wouldn’t do it, but my perversion,
luckily, knows no bounds. Let’s just say I got inspired (3AM and a blindingly
boring perusing of the Internet will eventually stumble you across something
interesting. Like goatse!).
more popular, and since I know that some fifteen-year-old is reading this right
now, I should probably make it my duty to educate you on this
do you want to hear your mom talking about this? No. Unless
you got one of those MILFs that all your friends come
over to see. Uh, if they call her Tits Magee and her name is Rhoda, you
might have a problem.
Anyway bitch, pay attention.
01) Dream up fancy
names
Who the hell wants to have sex with a guy named
turns out, I don’t have any. Yet. Or, anymore?). New and interesting pseudonyms erase the need to
sleep around. I mean, let’s face it, you’ll never find a girl named “Raquelaniquwa”, so
just make do with what you have. I’m thinking something along the lines of
“Judy” crossed with something like “Electric Toothbrush”. It’ll take some
tinkering, but when you’re screaming “Ezmeradalinaryn”,
you’ll be gasping for a sexy breath rendering lost from all the passion (and
not the two lungfuls it takes to say the name).
02) Play Dress-up
with objects found in your home
Nurse? Yawn. Schoolgirl?
Put me to sleep. Police
man? Uh, club me now so I can go peacefully. Derrick
you’re talking! Forget the tired, conventional outfits. Creativity is sexy, and
accidentally puncturing the bed with the serrated steak knife you tied to your
finger is sexier. Put a lampshade on your head – you know how much girls love
that (didn’t you watch sadly as Bob got all the tail at that New Years’ office
party? God, I hope I’m not confusing life for an Enzyte
commercial, again). Try wrapping tape around your face as you dance around the
room with a mop. You get the benefit of auto-erotic asphyxiation and you have
an extra phallic object if your contorted face puts him in the mood for another
round of double penetration.
03) Visit an exciting
location – like your parents’ house
It’s hard to effectively initiate the nuances of that stimulating
“fisherman/starfish-girl” roleplay when all you can
see is an unvacuumed floor, an unmade twin bed,
clothes hanging out of a bureau and fluorescent lighting (you should really
mortgage and just get an apartment). Try visiting the public pool.
Exhibitionism is in these days, too. And besides, it’s not like anyone will get
in your way as you paddle through the shallow end. Still, try not to hook
another four-year-old in the face with your jig.
04) Consistency
To pull it all together, you really need to believe in the
product you’re selling. Furries don’t wear clothes.
Adult babies don’t wear neckties. Schoolgirls have penises (go ahead. I dare you to challenge that one). If
you’re going to do the nurse thing, I suggest pushing your mate down the stairs
– that way they can believe that you’re taking care of them! Also, if they go
into a coma, that removes 50% of the actual role-playing work.
Nurses love efficiency. Wanna try rape play? Then
don’t forget to call the police afterward. You’re not a victim! Interested in
incest? Pending a six to eight week bureaucratic process that’ll ream you
harder than your “brother” will, the name change forms should create the avenue
of familial delight.
That’ll do if for role-playing. I suggest you start out slow
– you know, computer programmer and drunken slut, or
TV repairman and bird-call specialist, or vending machine and detergent. . .
There’s really no limit. Dignity doesn’t come at a premium or anything.