All Over Again

Enjoy

Limbo


It had been ages since I've been here, the paint on the house was faded, the exuberant dark blue that I grew up seeing was now a pale stale of sun beaten blue. The tree was gone, the tree that aided me, that allowed me to escape many nights was now just a stump barely sticking out of the earth.

I slowly walked up the driveway as I made it to the front door. Red paint chip fell as I knocked on the door. There was no answer, I knocked again but nothing. I took out my keys, I still carried the same key through all these years.

I inserted the key and smile a little as the doorknob turned. I stood in the doorway, some frames were missing from the wall that greeted the entrance. A faint squeaking noise reached my ears, I followed the noise to the den.

There she was,the TV was on low and she sat on a rocking chair, knitting.

“Hey ma,” I greeted as I sat on the couch that faced her but my back was to the TV.

She only nodded as her hands just flawlessly move back and forth as she entwined the yarn in what ever pattern she wanted.

I looked around and realized how quiet the house was and I felt a pang in my heart as I knew why.

“Ma?” I called out as she finally acknowledge me.

“Pa? when he die?” Her lower lip quiver as she stopped her hands and looked at me.

“Year ago,” I nodded as I swallowed hard. No one even try to tell me, and I had no idea.

“Ma why didn't you tell-,”

“Who are you?” she scoffed as I recalled why I hadn't kept in touch with any of them.

“Right, we're still mad about that,” I chewed on my lower lip.

“It's an abomination.” she spat at me as she glared at me. Her light brown eyes bore into me. Just the same as decades ago.

“so is resentment. With that attitude you ain't going to make it to the pearly gates.”

She stopped looking at me as she looked up at the TV. “Your not going to ask why I'm here,”

Her head move side to side as her lips frowned. She didn't care. To her I was dead.

“Ma?” I asked as she looked at me. “I do love you ma,” her lower lip quivered as I realized why my biggest fear of being a parent stemmed from. It was from the woman who had abandoned me. I didn't want to become her.

“I love you ma, no matter what you think about me. No matter how much you hate or I disappoint you, I love you just- even more. I think I did pretty good.” My voice started to break as she looked past me.

“I graduate college ma, high marks, I got a job I love and I'm married to the woman of my dreams.” She scowled when I mention Ellie.

“Yeah ma a woman, A wonderful woman who I do not deserve. She could do so much better.” I had to stop to retain control.

I chuckled, “my mother in law hates me too by the way, so maybe you guys would get along. Well she hated me, she now tolerates so that's good.”

I saw her smirk a little. “Ma?”

She looked at me, her eyes were red, this woman had age badly, her gray hair was a mess, the wrinkles on her face made her look older than what she really was. She was deteriorating, and I was just as much to blame for abandoning them. We had abandoned each other and in this mess I lost my dad and I was on the verge of losing her.

“Would I be a good parent?” I asked as she looked at me, her eyes softened as she shed a couple of tears. “You would be a better one than me,” she admitted as she started to sob.

I reached for her and hugged her, I held her frail form as I hugged her tightly. I hugged her trying to make up for all the years I didn't see her, for all the years I didn't get to share with her.

I held her for a long time, “I love you ma,”

“I love you too Melissa,” she whispered in my ear as I broke down too.




Day three had passed and I was still alone in the house. I didn't have the heart to call Lucas and I had asked Angie to just cancel my sessions. I was done, I didn't want any interaction with anyone.

Mom called and I had to reassured her I was fine. No one knew Mel had left and I missed her. Oh god I hadn't realized how much of a mess I was with out her. The solitude was unbearable and the memories that just resurface only killed me softly.

It was like a dam broke as I recalled even the most mundane event. From what we ate three years ago, to how irritate she got when ever she had to call customer service when she fist installed the internet. Everything about her just resurface, no need of a fucking diary, somethings were lost and I didn't care. I wanted her.

Was losing her worth everything I wanted. No it really wasn't. Did I 'have' to have a child. No I really didn't have to. Could I have approached all of this in a different matter? Most certainly. Did I want to? I don't know.

I laid in bed and stared at the door intently waiting for that door knob to turn. I needed to see her form walk through.

Hours must of passed when I heard the front door shut, I quickly sat up while I strained my ears to hear.

Familiar footsteps ascended down the hallway, I quickly ran to the door and pulled it open to catch her. She looked so defeated and small, I practically threw myself on her. I felt her tense up as her arms shyly wrapped themselves around me.

I started to cry uncontrollably as she held me tighter, I felt her breath heavy as she exhale slowly.

“you jerk,” I muttered as I kissed her, and I didn't let go. I pressed my lips hard against hers as I shut my eyes tightly just relishing her. She at first just, puckered her lips, I felt her slowly relax. Her mouth parted slowly as she took my lower lip between hers.

She pulled back and just ran her fingers through my hair as her face hid on the crook of my neck.

“Where you go?” I mumbled trying not to break down anymore.

“Just to visit someone and t just fix something.”

“can we fix this?” I asked shutting my eyes. I really did not want to lose her for a stupidity I committed years ago.

“I don't know,” she took a deep breath, “I want to and at the same time, I'm mad and sad and confuse and frustrated and-” I felt her tremble as she loosen the hug and pulled back. She took a step back and I looked at her.

“I'm so lost Ellie,” she took of her glasses as she rubbed her fingers under her nose and smiled at me.

She turned around to walk to her office as she turned the door knob I blurted, “We can start all over again. We can give it a second shot.”

She didn't turn as she fished something out of her pocket and threw it at me. I caught to see my wedding ring. I looked at her hand to see her wearing hers.

“We can try but-,” She mumbled as she stepped in and closed the door behind her.


The week passed and Mel rarely came out of her room. Douglas came a Tuesday to get paper work and to drop of a disc of some sort. I had called Lucas and explain to him the situation, he tried talking to her but it was to no avail.


By Monday evening Mel walked into my office, she was getting thinner and her hair was a mess. Her eyes were heavy and purple. The deep depression she was in was slowly killing her.


“I want to talk to Alexis,” she simply stated as I looked at her trying to figured out what she wanted with Alexis.

“Ummm why?” The last thing I needed was for Mel to go homicidal on her.

“I want to talk to her,” she looked at me with a blank look. An almost dead like feature.

“About?” I prodded as her demeanor did not change.

“You,” with that she walked out and left me alone again.

“Wait,” I followed her as she was halfway into her office, I shove my foot in preventing the door from closing.

“this is not healthy we need to talk?”

“I don't really want to talk to you, I want to talk to Alexis,”

“About what Melissa? What the hell do you want to know? Ask me anything.”

She shook her head, “Fuck Melissa your in a rut you have to move on. Either forgive me or move on, this is madness.”

Her jaw clenched. She was holding in a lot of anger and if having her snap at me was the only way to get back the Mel I loved then so be it.

“What the fuck are you so curious about? Do you want to know how I reacted to her touches that night? Do you want to know what she did to me? Or what?”

I swallowed hard as her gaze hardened. 'That's it,' I thought. Her eyes were firing up.

“you wanna know if I scream her name? Or at how many orgasm I had? Is that what is killing you, knowing that she fucked me? You can't stand the fact.”

Her breathing became hard and she threw the door opened she gripped the door way. Her knuckled turned white.

“What your gonna be depressed over a drunk night I can't hardly remember. Or what pisses you off more Melissa the fact that even after I slept with her, I was still friend with her. Or that I wanted a kid behind your back. Or that I was willing to throw everything away-”


“THAT!” she snapped as she gripped my arms making back track into the master bedroom.

“That! You were willing to leave me. I'm mad yes that you had a one drunken night stand but I can forgive that, but what irritates me is that you kept seeing her. You kept being around her and instead of distancing yourself from her you left me. You were cold and distant. You ignored me. You left me.” She was breathing hard.

“It's killing me, that I don't know how to move on. It's killing me that I don't know how.”

“If it bothers you too much, then I guess we should end this.” I screamed at her, it was not healthy just living like this none of us really making any progress to heal. I wanted her healthy above all else and if being away from me was the case.

Her lower lip quivered as she looked down at the floor.She let go of my arms and I flinched as I felt the rush of blood run through them.

She took deep breath as she looked at me, “it was never my intention to hurt you,” I whispered as she wiped away the beginning tears that were forming.

“I never meant to be unfaithful and I certainly did not mean to ambush you with a life changing decision. But you have to understand.”

“I understand that you want to be a mom, I understand that one night in Boston you slept with your co-worker because you were drunk. I understand your mother likes me to a certain degree. I understand that I'm depressed and I'm stuck. I understand that in order for us to move on. It has to be on my behalf. Also it is true, just the fact that I know she did things to you, that I do. Makes me sick to my stomach, make me furious... I'm the only one that's suppose to you know. I can't see you in the same light. I though I could get over with but I can't.”

I nodded understanding her, she looked relieved as a huge weight had been lifted off her as she looked at me.

“This whole mess is so fucking confusing.” She mumbled as she blew air through her lips in frustration. She licked them as she nibbled on her lower lip.

“what a mess,” I stated as she chuckled, “A huge fucking mess.”


(A/N: How will the fix it? Or will they? Happy or sad ending? Surprise ending or predictable ending? Gah I'm lost too.)