Heaven Far Away

Interlude Six - Lost in Translation Part II [Todou Chitose]

When I first met Konbayoshi Atsushi, I ran into him. Quite literally. I remember it was a sunny autumn afternoon when I returned home to a room full of men in black suits and my parents backed into a –proverbial- corner on our couch. My presence there surprised them just as much as their presence surprised me. At the foyer, I had not an idea what I should even begin to do. Although no word was uttered as to the meaning of this scene, I instinctually backed up and wanted to run. Perhaps it’s the way that those men looked at me, or the way my parents’ eyes looked at me with horror… I knew something was amiss. Tossing my school bag aside, I turned around to run.

Three steps and I collided with destiny.

Konbayoshi Atsushi looked down at me when I looked up at him. He towered over me and looked as if he could easily snap my neck. His expression turned from surprise to annoyance and amusement when he reached out and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to him. Close enough to kill.

“Three days or your son will certainly be deprived of many things.”

I think I was too petrified to even have fought or struggled. He turned to leave my house tugging me along with him. I cannot remember whether I followed or whether my legs were just too numb to move and he half dragged me to his car.

The first time I was introduced to the Konbayoshi estate was as a hostage. Or as Konbayoshi Atsushi liked to say: incentive. I was tossed into an old room that had nothing but walls that caved in on me. I crawled to the corner furthest away from the door and curled into myself.

Three days.

I was given no attention, not even a whisper reached my ears. The silence turned from a nightmare to a comfort. I long fell out of my curled up position and instead slumped against the walls for support. In a world where there was no sensory input, it was as if I was floating in space, with no beginning or end.

When the door finally slid open, Konbayoshi Atsushi’s voice was smug with victory. “How does it feel?”

“What?”

“To know that your family has abandoned you.”

“Has it been three days?”

“It’s been three weeks.”

Twenty one days. Ah, has it been that long already? I wanted to cry for the loss of something, but could only close my eyes when all energy left me. It was then that I understood; my hope for being rescued was the only thing that kept me awake. When that hope left me, what else is there to live for?

“You live for me. Your family has sold you to me. This life of yours belongs to me. I am the one who will control when and how you will die. Before that, you belong to me and you serve me. Understood?”

Konbayoshi Atsushi made the terms clear when I was finally coherent enough to sit up and eat. It was the first time that I took a good look at him. This man who has become the master of my life. Did I hate my parents for abandoning me? Some part in me probably did. I understood slowly that my family was deep in debt to Konbayoshi Atsushi. When the time came for Konbayoshi Atsushi to collect his money, my parents could not provide. Between me and my two younger siblings, I suppose my parents felt that as the oldest child, it was my duty to help out the family.

Years later, I found out my life was worth about ten million yen. It’s a strange feeling, to have a monetary value be placed on your life.

“As soon as you are able, you will be brought to my chambers and serve me. You are to be dressed in a kimono at all times. You are to obey me, at all times. You are to remember that I am your only master and you will stay loyal to me for the rest of your life.”

“Yes.”

“Yes, master.”

“Yes, master.”

Have my parents sold me to the devil? I questioned inside my head with little strength in my body.

“And grow out your hair.” He touched my shoulder length hair and added on.

I was thirteen that autumn.

A week later, I was shown to his chambers for the first time and was instructed to make sure that everything is in place. Really, it was more a slave’s job than anything else. However, when one belongs to another, what can one do other than to obey? So I pushed up the sleeves of my kimono and bent to scrub the wooden floor of his chambers. At first, I worked with dread, wanting to be far away from him. As the hours went on, and I caught no sight of him, my curiosity got the better of me and I could not help but lift my head to survey the rooms that surrounded me. His chambers included a small greeting room, a study, his bedroom and his bathroom. They say I was shown here to clean out his rooms, but truly, they were spotless. There was not a single paper out of place. I found that in this estate when no one is around, the silence screamed louder than all other noises, drowning one amidst its power.

“What do we have here?” His voice cut through said silence and I quickly turned to face him. Konbayoshi Atsushi was forty five years of age that year, and he was my world as far as I could see. “Are you lost?” It was a question but it wasn’t really a question. I stood in the middle of his study and looked down at the floor, not quite knowing what to say. “Familiarize yourself with your surrounding; you will be seeing my chambers more from here on.”

“Yes, master.”

His hand touched my chin and I followed his lead to look up. Tell me, what is one supposed to do when life as you know it is on the command of this man’s whims? Do you fight or do you bow your head and make the most out of it? The wooden floor of Konbayoshi Atsushi’s study was hard and cold when he took me that afternoon. A part of me knew what was happening, but another part seemed to have detached itself from me and left. I sometimes wonder if I will ever gain it back.

In a month’s time, I was to be rooted in the previous mistress’ chambers. Every room was richly decorated as if she’s never left. I fingered the paintings on the wall and touched the wooden dresser.

“Did you love her?”

“She was not my wife.” Konbayoshi answered as he sat down to pour himself a cup of tea, waiting for me to satisfy my curiosity about the previous owner of the room. “She was my older brother’s wife; they died within a year of each other.” In the mirror, I looked at his reflection and lamented over the fact that he was seated so far away from me in the mirror for me to catch his expression. “Their son, my nephew, should be back in a few years.” This mysterious only heir to the Konbayoshi’s family estate went to America for university, as the servants tell me. “These are to be your rooms from now on, do whatever you want with them.”

Although he gave me permission, I dared not change a single corner of the rooms. Inside the closet, her clothes still hung. On the dresser, her make-up still reigned. I only changed the bedding for even I cannot stomach the idea of sleeping on the bed of a soul passed on.

Konbayoshi Atsushi was a complicated man, someone whom I could spend hours trying to decipher but get not even two steps away from where I started. He laughed, he chided, he teased, he punished, he smiled, he frowned… he was a man of many faces whose true expressions have been hidden for the majority of his life. He told me that his older brother –just a year older than him- passed away when he was twenty-four. It’s been twenty-one years; he still reigns as one of the most influential family heads in the Tokyo region. He would sit with me in silence, but he would also threaten to shatter my ear drums with the volume of his voice when he was displeased. He would smile at my improvements but frown at my disobedience. He would punish me severely but touch me gently hours later. Always, I lived in a world seemingly full of paradoxes thanks to this man.

By will or by accident, I was slowly exposed to the details of his work. On business trips, I would appear by his side at times. At home, I would serve him ‘till he gave me the dismissal or stay in his bedroom ‘till he has to leave again. It was never easy with him, but the luxury that surrounded me gave me the false illusion that perhaps this wasn’t the worst deal on earth.

However, when I would look out the window or look up at the sky in the garden, I wondered what the outside world would hold for me if I weren’t locked up in here as his personal… belonging.

For almost two years, I thought that I was more than just a personified debt and that he had actually found some value in me. Although he may treat me harshly, but I thought he wouldn’t expose me to actual danger. On a summer evening, I sat down next to him and noticed the extra someone else in the dinner room.

“Chitose-chan, meet Mukai-san.”

I looked across the table at the other man and bowed before offering him a smile. “Good evening, Mukai-san. It is my pleasure to be in your presence.” Mukai caught my eyes and smiled back. I never saw the look of understanding that was exchanged between Konbayoshi Atsushi and Mukai. That evening, I was told to leave with Mukai. Confused but not wanting to disobey, I bowed and left with Mukai’s hand on my back. The details can be omitted, but I will always remember the ropes that bit into my skin, the whip lashes that turned flesh, the melted wax that dotted my body and his knife that caught the overhead light in his bedroom.

When I returned to an empty estate, I knew then that I was nothing but a convenience and a pawn for Konbayoshi Atsushi. At least the deal that was settled between the two of them seemed to have pleased him.

From then on, I dreaded every business associate that he would bring home with him. I looked at them with a smile but wondered if I would end up in their bed tonight. Over the months, other than Mukai, the idea of bedding another for a business deal never transpired. Between Konbayoshi Atsushi and Mukai, I understood that Konbayoshi Atsushi needed Mukai’s influence more than the other way around. It appears that my lovely master had associated himself with Shigeki-ikka, one of the two yakuza clans in Tokyo. Unfortunately, the clan that he chose to align himself with faltered and withered with time, leaving him in dire need for another, stronger ally. Mukai presented himself as opportunity and possibility.

The exact happenings of yakuza war escape me, but from what I’ve gathered, Shigeki-ikka and Hirokin-kai fought a bitter war for control of Tokyo and Hirokin-kai proved to be victorious. The exact ending for Shigeki-ikka was unknown, but they lost badly enough that Konbayoshi Atsushi no longer wanted any involvement. Rest assured that he never forgot that little piece of insult to his family.

The summer of my sixteenth year, Konbayoshi Atsushi returned with a host. Shuusei was introduced to me as a host, but because Shuusei was unconscious for a month, I could only look at his physical appearance and wonder about his interior. I was left with the task of caring for him. On his body, I discovered a life that could not be hidden. On his arms were tattoos that spoke of his whereabouts and on his torso lived a butterfly that spanned the entirety of his chest.

His eyes, when he did open them forty days later, were the color amethyst.

I thought he was Konbayoshi Atsushi’s latest merchandise, a host who will be inducted into Opiate. When he woke, Shuusei was given a room of his own. When they conversed, the conversation was one sided, Shuusei did not speak more than necessary.

“That little brat holds more secrets than you can possibly imagine, secrets about powerful men in this country.” Konbayoshi Atsushi answered when I voiced my questions. “He may look frail and near his death, but he is one of the most stubborn little fuckers I’ve ever met.” To render Konbayoshi Atsushi to such vile terms is an accomplishment on its own; I was surprised. “More than that, he is my most powerful weapon when it comes to revenge.”

“Revenge?”

He smiled and soothed a strand of my long golden hair –grown out because he said so- slowly, admiring the texture and feeling. “Every little step is within my plans.”

What Konbayoshi Atsushi failed to plan was human emotion. That afternoon, almost five months later, when the entire Konbayoshi estate was silent, I was ordered to stay inside the house. From the outside, I could hear the telltale sounds of someone being beaten to death on the command of Konbayoshi Atsushi. I paced inside his room, wondering if I dared to disobey Konbayoshi Atsushi’s orders and peek outside.

The door to Konbayoshi Atsushi’s study slid open and Shuusei stood at the threshold. After months of recovery, he was looking considerably better. I’ve learnt that beneath the eternal ice age of an exterior, there is a volcano.

“Shuusei-san…” He looked at me solemnly and my heart skipped a beat. In his violet eyes, I saw determination that differed from his usual melancholy and nostalgia. “What’s going on out there?”

“Revenge.”

“What?”

“It’s best if you know nothing about this.” He stepped even closer, the closest he’s ever been to me. “I’m sorry, this will hurt.”

“What wil…”

My world went black and all was lost to me. When I opened my eyes later, I was in my bed looking up at my ceiling.

“You are awake.” I turned my neck and found an unbearable pain resonating within my head. Konbayoshi Atsushi grinned at my grimace of pain. “You need to rest; you suffered a third degree concussion when you hit your head on the table.”

“What?”

“Shhh.”

He stayed with me that evening, holding me without the wandering of his hands and I drifted in and out of consciousness. Later, Konbayoshi Atsushi told me that Shuusei had slammed my head against the table before grabbing the gun that was taken from him. The rest of the story, he refused to tell me; but from the servants’ whispers, apparently the kumicho of Hirokin-kai was most displeased with having had his lover under Konbayoshi Atsushi’s control for so long.

They called it a love story when Konbayoshi Atsushi sneered and hissed at that memory.

I think I was too young to understand the implications of that episode. Sometimes, when I think back on it now, I wonder what went through Shuusei’s and his lover’s mind at that time. At the same time, looking at the two of them, I questioned my own place in this world. It is no secret that Konbayoshi Atsushi kept me around because of my appearance, but how long can I retain my appearance? When I grow out of this face, what will happen to me then?

On a hazy summer afternoon, I sat on the porch of the estate and asked myself that question again. Usually, I was allowed how ever long I wanted to deliberate on that question before coming to my senses. That afternoon, a thud broke me out of my reverie and I looked up to see someone flipping over the back wall of the estate. Every logical part of me told me that I should run to fetch someone but I could not move from my spot. Under my shocked eyes, he dusted himself off and reached for his suitcase. It was when he looked up that our eyes met and I could not help but note the almost identical appearance between this stranger and Konbayoshi Atsushi. Perhaps it was the congruence that left me without a word as he walked past me and into the estate.

That afternoon, I was breathless with some sense of the future.

Within the estate, it was hard not to run into him. Around the corner, down the hall, in the garden… those were encounters without a word. Before Konbayoshi Atsushi introduced us, we were not allowed communication. I knew he was the heir who had finally returned from America. So then, why didn’t he use the front doors? No one knew the answer, but I found that I could understand him.

Konbayoshi Atsushi returned a week later and the three of us sat down to dinner. “I see the prince of the Konbayoshi family has finally decided to return and grace us with his presence.” His voice was cold and sarcastic when he spoke, I felt as if I was sitting on a mat of needles. I busied myself with pouring him another cup of sake. “Let me introduce you. This is Chitose,” he touched my hair and I finally had the opportunity to look over at the heir to offer him a deep bow “he’s… my guest.” He turned that polite word into such a debauched noun that I could not help but flush. “Chitose, this is the prince of the Konbayoshi household, the only heir to this mountain of inheritance. You better serve him well if you want a place to stay after I die.”

Die. It was a strong word and a word that I never thought of before. That’s right, Konbayoshi Atsushi was human still and even he will have to pass on some day.

“Yes, master.”

When that day comes, what will I be? Where will I be? Whom will I be?

Dinner passed in silence, I tasted nothing that was offered to me. The heir left the table first and it was as if he never existed in the first place. However, I could not chase the dark and solemn gaze that I was able to catch in that brief moment of introduction. I wondered if he’s like his uncle; I wondered if he was approachable; I wondered what he would say to someone like me.

“Are you enamoured?”

“What?” I asked quickly, both out of shock and out of guilt.

Konbayoshi Atsushi’s fingers were harsh when he gripped my chin and jerked me towards him. We were millimetres away and I looked into his eyes. “Don’t even think about it. That child is a devil; he is death personified.” I saw the hatred, the disapproval, the anger and even a trace of guilt in his eyes. “Don’t forget you belong to me.” With that, his grip loosened but he signalled for one of his bodyguards to step forward. “Car key.”

“This late?”

He said nothing; he didn’t even look at me. I knew then that this man’s cruelty is blind.

“Sire.”

The key was placed in his hand, and I watched as he tossed the key out of the open door and into the darkness of the garden beyond. “It seems I have lost my key.” Konbayoshi Atsushi started and he turned to glance at me. “Do be a dear and help me find it, I leave at eight in the morning.” I looked back at him with disbelief and stood slowly. What does it matter that I never even finished dinner, what does it matter that he had sent me a task impossible, what does it matter what I felt when Konbayoshi Atsushi was displeased? I slipped out into the darkness and started at the very beginning of the path, looking for this elusive key. I was unaware of the time passing, I was unaware of my surrounding, but I knew that I needed to find this key or else the punishment that followed would be even worse.

“What are you doing?”

I jumped at the voice and turned to find the source. Under the moonlight, Konbayoshi Takahiro stepped out from the shadows and I could only drop my gaze and my body into a bow. “Ah, Konbayoshi-sama.” I wasn’t sure whether I should continue. What if Konbayoshi Takahiro was sent here to test me? What if the uncle and nephew were working together?

“What are you doing?”

“I’m looking for something.” I answered timidly.

“This late at night?”

“Yes. Master said that it is imperative that I find it before he leaves tomorrow morning.” Well, Konbayoshi Atsushi never said that, but after all these years spent with him, I no longer needed him to spell out everything for me.

The heir clicked his tongue and I wondered if he was to be the one who is to deliver punishment. I held my ground and tensed my muscles, but nothing came. “What are you looking for?”

“A key.”

“Key?”

“A key to his car.”

Before I knew it –for I don’t think I could understand it at the time-, he was looking for this key together with me. I looked at his back and my breaths left me in shudders, maybe it was out of relief, or maybe it was out of something completely different. So I joined him and neither of us spoke while looking for this key. The silence was bearable and it was as if we had the most satisfying conversation, it was comfortable. “Here.” At length, he finally stopped and held his hand out towards me.

What do you know? Hello, culprit of this tragedy. Hello, charm of love.

“Thank you so much, Konbayoshi-sama.” It was pure relief and gratitude, so much gratitude, that washed over me but I remembered to bow to him again.

“It’s nothing.”

There seemed appropriate to insert something more than just a smile, but a smile was all that I could offer before I excused myself. The key lay innocently in my palm, but I could never forget what happened that evening. I told myself that I cannot turn to look back at the other, but my heart told me otherwise. It was near two when I stepped onto the porch and gently placed the key outside of Konbayoshi Atsushi’s bedroom.

“Come in.” I looked at the door and slid it open to enter. He was sitting by his window with a glass of something, I could not tell from the distance. He looked me over before placing it down. “You found it.” He spoke as if he’s always known that I would, as if he was expecting me. Crooking a finger, he beckoned me closer and I obeyed. His arm closed around my waist and his kiss tasted of whiskey. Over the years, I’ve been able to tell his moods apart even when he’s always such an expert at hiding them. That evening, even I could not decipher his hidden emotions when his fingers mapped every inch of my skin. There seemed to have been a web of secrets that ate at him from the inside.

Of course, the next day, I still appeared as I always have. I knew that I did not wish for Konbayoshi Takahiro to see me in a state that was less than perfect. So I chose a kimono that conveniently covered every inch of me. Now that there was someone else in the house hold to pick on, I could not help but note the cruel intentions that were hidden behind Konbayoshi Atsushi’s every order. There were nights when the heir would be locked outside in the cold just because he was a fraction of a minute late for dinner. There were days when Konbayoshi Takahiro would be forced to starve himself on the command of his uncle because of a silly little step that echoed throughout the estate. I listened with a passive face and always remembered to open the back door and leave a tray of food when no one was looking. Between the two of us, there existed a silent communication to watch out for one another. No matter how tedious these punishments may grow, I’ve always thought that blood is thicker than water and Konbayoshi Atsushi would stoop no lower.

I thought of many things and dreamed of many illusions, but they were all to be shattered when I heard a crash resonate within the estate. Rising from my dresser –for it’s already rather late at night-, I followed the sound of violence and my heart raced with each step closer. The doors to Konbayoshi Atsushi’s chambers were partially ajar and I could not help but stumble back at the sight. On the floor, Konbayoshi Takahiro crouched in a pool of collecting blood, his blood. Without thinking, I slid open the door and stepped in.

Whenever I remember that moment, I wondered if that was when all three of us knew that something has changed.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Surely, this must be the first time that I’ve spoken in such a tone to Konbayoshi Atsushi and I could see the surprise in his eyes. “He is your nephew, your only blood relative remaining, and the only heir to the Konbayoshi estate. No matter what he’s done, are you going to whip him to his death?”

“This is none of your concern.” He lifted his whip and I moved to position myself between the older and the younger, unfortunately, the latter had already passed out. Konbayoshi Atsushi and I held our positions, neither wanted to back down. “Get out of the way.”

“Or else?”

He snorted and lifted his arm, he made such a show out of it just to tell me that I still had time to move away; no, he wanted me to move away. However, the tip of his wrath bit into my arm and I flinched at the pain but did not flinch from my ground. The leather whip fell from my side to the floor and he looked at me with a silent fury. He looked at me, as if waiting for some sort of out cry.

“He is your nephew, he shares your blood.” I repeated once again; I don’t ever expect Konbayoshi Atsushi to understand the need in me to protect someone. I was taken away from my family in a moment’s time that allowed me nothing and no one.

The whip hit the floor with a clatter and he stepped closer to me. Even now, he still towered over me, still shadowed me, still controlled my life. “For someone who has stayed in that woman’s room for these years, you’re quite stupid, aren’t you?” He left me more confused than relieved, those words resonated within my head but I retained nothing. Right now, the most important thing is to help the unconscious one. I had no one to call for assistance; so inch by inch I dragged him back to his room by myself and saw first hand the scars that will be left behind from this evening. I had a list of things to do; it started with getting myself tidied up to getting something for him to eat. When I stood in my room –that woman’s room, as Konbayoshi Atsushi had said- and looked from wall to wall; for the first time in four years, I wondered what secrets these rooms held.

“Ah, you are awake.”

I halted mid way when his door slid open as I was ready to bring in the tray of food in my hands.

“Yes.”

The silence was awkward, and both of us seemed to have wanted to say a world of things. But, it was not to be. I looked at him dressed to leave and stepped back to put down the tray of food. “Please be careful then.” I did not ask where he was going, for I know that he will find himself a safe haven for a while. I waited ‘till he was past me before wanting to rise.

“You can call me Takahiro.”

And like that, he was gone.

I thought I had a dream that night, one of an endless run that led me no where. All around me swarmed their voices, uncle and nephew, until they mingled into one and engulfed me completely. I woke slowly to a new determination and looked at my rooms with a new pair of eyes.

Konbayoshi Takahiro did not return for two weeks, and it gave me enough time to map every inch of my rooms in search for answers. By the time that I saw him again, I could easily detect the unease in him and what started as a small joke of sunshine progressed into our own little code of deciphering Konbayoshi Atsushi’s moods. I would finger each slip of paper with a smile on my face before tossing them to the fire in my room.

Secrets, this family is full of secrets. And now, I have a deadly secret of my own as well.

I think it started as an attempt for us to bridge that gap of vague status and grow closer. At the end of the day, I will always be younger than Takahiro and he will always be the person closest to my age whom I have ever interacted with. The days when Konbayoshi Atsushi would leave for business became pleasure for us. It turned from Konbayoshi-sama to Takahiro-san and eventually it evolved into Hiro-chan on a path that we don’t even know how. He introduced me to Haruno and Narumi, his friends from America, his friends for life and they accepted me into their circle with open arms. In their company, I found that I could look inside myself and find the childhood that lived too short.

And yet, whenever I looked at Takahiro, my mind will always remember the truths that I have uncovered. I wondered if I will ever have the right to tell him, whether it would even be the right thing to do at all.

Late August and it was yet another week when Konbayoshi Atsushi would leave for this or that, I’ve long stopped keeping track and caring. Takahiro joined me at the front gates in a yukata of his own that first evening and together we walked down large and small streets enjoying the sensations of a summer fair. “I’ve never been to one of these.”

“What?” Narumi turned to me with her eyes wide and mouth wider. “You have got to be joking!”

I looked up at her and smiled but did not confirm or disconfirm her assertion. Over her head, I caught Takahiro’s eyes and that smile dimmed just a little. He understood, I knew. He knew I wasn’t joking when I said that, it’s been four long years since I was last allowed outside to enjoy mundane happenings. By the river side, I was the only one who still stood with his neck craned and eyes towards the sky when all fireworks have died out. I did not care whether I’d look strange to everyone else; it seemed the dying sparks of color have taken me away elsewhere as well. I was aware of Takahiro next to me for a long, long time before I could finally tear myself away from this sense of freedom. “Is it time to go?” I knew the answer without even having to ask.

“Yeah.”

“Ah, how I wish it could last a little longer.”

“We can always come out tomorrow. My uncle will be gone for a week anyways.”

“Yes, you are right.”

I wished that he was right. His hand was warm around mine as we walked slowly back to the ominous estate. My hand only grew colder when we came face to face with Konbayoshi Atsushi in the main room, very much here and not on his business trip.

“You are back.”

“Yes, master.” I had long pulled my hand away from Takahiro and even took a step to the side so to not get him further more involved. Although Konbayoshi Atsushi’s voice was calm and expression passive, I knew him better than anyone else: this is the proverbial calm before the storm.

“Go to your rooms.”

He joined me in my rooms not long after. My midnight blue kimono was left in shreds that evening and he held no care when he claimed me. It was no longer about who achieved pleasure or who didn’t. It was his way of telling me that as long as he was alive, some things are just never to be. The next evening, he chose my dinner wear for me. I glanced at it and knew that he wanted to send the same message to Takahiro as well. For the first time in my life, I was ashamed to be sitting at the dinner table besides Konbayoshi Atsushi and knowing that everyone else knows that I am his whore.

“Funny thing happened last night.” It did not take long for Konbayoshi Atsushi to get to the point. “As I was undressing Chitose-chan” his fingers touched my face slowly “last night, I realized that I never formally introduced the two of you.” Perhaps he sensed my unwillingness; he placed an arm around me and pulled me closer to him. “Takahiro, I think it should be clear by now that Chitose is mine. It is unfortunate that he is younger than you, but even you must understand that as far as status goes, you need to pay respect to him.”

“Yes, uncle.”

Yes, master. I mimicked in my head but could not contain the poisonous knot in my stomach that threatened to turn me inside out. I was branded as his whore, I was labelled as a person untouchable, and I had been humiliated.

“Good, I was sure that you could understand.” I knew he wasn’t really satisfied; I knew that in the future, he will make sure that we remembered his power each and every second. “Off you go then, Chitose-chan. Remember to service Mukai-san well.” Numbly, I rose from the table. I had neither the courage nor the face to even glance at Takahiro, and that evening, I found that I even welcomed Mukai’s perverted fantasies and pain. It gave me a reason to allow these tears to shed.

I had thought that would place a period on us, but when I returned, I found that it was only a comma that had been erased away. Takahiro was the one who sought me out first; he looked at me calmly, spoke to me as usual and touched me like before. Are you not disgusted? I wanted to ask but could not bring myself to such a question.

“Maybe because you are the first person who’s ever had such thoughts?” Takahiro told me all about his unprecedented trip to Opiate, and I could only imagine what that was like. Opiate is not new to me as I’ve had the opportunity to visit there quite a number of times with Konbayoshi Atsushi, all in secret, of course.

“How can we be sure that my forefathers did not have such thoughts?”

“Well, the one who thought of this idea certainly did not have hesitations; but you are right that the successors’ thoughts cannot be gauged. Other than your uncle, he seems to be enjoying this business tremendously.” I could not help but add on the last little bit, for it is an open secret that Konbayoshi Atsushi took great pride in having Opiate under his ruling.

“You don’t say.”

And here I thought I sounded bitter and sarcastic, but Takahiro certainly beat me in tone and voice. I couldn’t help but glance over at him, my smile slowly stretching to show my amusement. It wasn’t long before we were both laughing at that little slip of true emotions; thankfully the woods around us are good keepers of secrets.

“What do you want for your birthday?” I was perhaps more excited than Takahiro, for it’s been long since I last celebrated a birthday. Mine was never celebrated after Konbayoshi Atsushi took me in and there has never been anyone else.

“What?”

“What? Don’t tell me you forgot that you birthday is coming up!”

“Ah.” He did forget, I couldn’t help but lift an eyebrow. “Mmmmmmm.” Yes? “Something from you.”

“… yes, well, I got that part…” Since I asked and all…

“No, that’s not what I meant.” He laughed and I couldn’t help the smile either. “I meant… everything that we own right now are courtesy of my uncle; it’s as if nothing belongs to us at all. So even if you bought me something, it would still be my uncle’s money and…”

“Say no more. I understand completely.”

Did I believe in the concept of soul mates, I wasn’t quite sure. However, at that moment, I understood him perfectly. In this life, the only things we had that we could call our own were ourselves and each other. Everything and anything else belonged to Konbayoshi Atsushi and we are but leeches that lived watching his every mood. I thought of all the things that I could give him with the money that Konbayoshi Atsushi’s lavished onto me, but that would be like an insult. I looked forward to that day with such hope, but when it finally drew closer, the evening before, Konbayoshi Atsushi conveniently pawned me off to Mukai for a business trip that had no place for me.

I thought I watched Konbayoshi Atsushi and Muaki with ice in my eyes as they exchanged their pleasantries and exchanged me. I followed after Mukai like a shadow as he did not have a second of his time for me. I watched the clock, glanced at someone’s cell phone and tapped my foot with impatience. I prayed that everything will go smoothly so I wouldn’t have to stay for an extra second longer.

For the first time in my life, I did not immediately report to Konbayoshi Atsushi when I returned. Instead, I picked up the hem of my kimono and jogged my way around the estate to Takahiro’s rooms. It was when I could slip my bare feet against the wood of his bedroom did I realize that my heart beat for this man in rapid successions.

“You’re back.”

“Look.” I reached for his cell phone and flipped it open to show him the time. “Happy birthday.” Although there were only fifteen minutes remaining, I still made it back in time.

“Thank you.”

No, I should be the one to thank you. Even though it may be hopeless, even though it may be futile, even though it probably is laughable, I can say that at least once in my life, I truly, with my entire being, wanted to be with someone else desperately.

“He did not touch me.” I pleaded for him to understand me. Slowly, he lifted his duvet and reached for me. If tomorrow never came, would I have been happy with this little spark of warmth that I felt? No, I would not. I am a selfish person who wished and hoped for more and more.

Konbayoshi Atsushi looked at me thoughtfully the next morning when I poured him his morning tea but said nothing. I may have gotten good at wearing my masks, but I know that in his mind, he’s always calculating. I know all about you. I wanted to say, I wanted to challenge him, but I knew I was not prepared.

But then, nothing could prepare me for that rude wake up call one early morning. I was roused out of bed by Konbayoshi Atsushi’s alert. I glanced up at his frowning face and wanted to roll around and go back to sleep.

“Get dressed.”

Two words alone and they were enough to shatter my hopes. Minutes later, Takahiro joined us at the front and I didn’t even have enough energy to offer him a second glance. Whatever this business is, couldn’t it have waited? If life and death could not wait, then certainly we were not allowed any special favours in front of them either. I had only met Koki once, and even then, it was a brush of shoulders that had us nodding at one another. I remembered how happy Koki’s smile was, but when I looked into his lifeless eyes and heard the cold hearted exchange between Konbayoshi Atsushi and Mukai, something inside of me snapped.

Is this the worth of a life to them? A book?!

“Go to Bakusui’s room.”

“Master?” I asked even though I knew this was going to happen.

“The dead host and Bakusui were apparently involved; and as much as I hate to say this, Bakusui is a valuable member of the club, I cannot afford to lose him just yet.” I kept my eyes on the ground but I knew I was changing. “You are his for the evening. It is only fair to appease his anger towards me; I give him permission to do unto you all that he thinks is fair.”

Takahiro stirred besides me, but I had already bowed and turned to head back to Opiate. He would never understand the feeling of losing the one you love. Inside my mind, this is a war I was fighting.

“Bakusui-san.” I started when he paused in the middle of the room, clearly surprised to see me. Who would blame him? “The owner wanted to apologize to you for what happened with Koki-san. He understands that you two were very close and he hopes that I will be enough to calm your anger.” I looked at Bakusui with an unwavering gaze; I wanted to know what this man was like. I wanted to know if Bakusui was worth Koki’s love and life. I thought of Takahiro and wondered if he will ever shed tears for me if I were to meet my end. I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone unconditionally and so without reserve.

“So, to Bakusui-san’s liking… whatever… is fine…” I carried on, watching and waiting.

He moved; one step and another and then I fell back onto the bed. The strength and speed surprised me and a gasp left my parted lips. He gave me no room to move and was already atop of me, a hand on my chest, pushing me down. I stayed still and looked up at him; each touch sent shivers through me and I whimpered when the harsh tug of the kimono scraped against my skin. In his eyes, I saw a void and such hatred that my breath caught. Suddenly, I shivered in fear; I was afraid to die. So I struggled when his fingers closed around my throat and tears of regret fell. If I died tonight, I wouldn’t even have had the chance to at least let Takahiro know that in his life, there was someone who loved him more than life itself.

Then all of a sudden, oxygen rushed into my lungs and I gasped for air when his fingers loosened. “You.” His voice was low. “Why are you with that man?”

“Because…” I coughed. “… my family… cannot afford to pay him back…” It’s always been the truth but that was the first time I’ve ever told that to anyone else. Even Takahiro did not know.

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

“Stay for a while longer.” He moved off of me and disappeared into the bathroom.

I think I could understand Bakusui’s pain at losing Koki, but I think I knew better of his character than anything else. I touched my neck where he had strangled me and a part of me hardened into ice. How many other people will have to be hurt because of another’s whims?

“Thank you, Bakusui-san.”

“I did nothing.”

I wanted to tell him all the things that he helped me understand in those brief moments but nothing came out. Instead, I bowed deeply to show him my gratitude instead. “I promise you Bakusui-san, one day, I will avenge Koki-san for you.” I left his room that evening knowing that one day I will fall just as low as Konbayoshi Atsushi, perhaps even lower in my life. This time, I truly saw the darkness in my life. Outside of Opiate’s doors, I looked up to see Takahiro on the other side of the street.

Call me weak, call me stupid, call me pathetic, but I really could not help the smile on my face and the need to feel his arms around me.

That evening, I returned to the Konbayoshi estate and took out the secret diary that I found many months ago and hid it so no one would ever find it.

“Will you be okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“He is your father after all.”

I sat with Takahiro on the wooden porch outside of his chambers and together we looked up at the moon. Like every other year, the oldest son of the Konbayoshi family needed to be remembered, even if it’s by his death. Sadly, I couldn’t help but note that the former mistress of the house was never celebrated or remembered.

“Yes, but I have no memory of him at all.” Takahiro had been young when Konbayoshi Akihito died. “He might as well never have existed in the first place, but I am glad though. I am glad that he is no longer here, so I can imagine him to be an honourable person. It’s already bad enough that I have a monster as an uncle, it would be devastating if my father had turned out that way as well.”

“Hiro…” I couldn’t help the rushed emotions that prompted me to tell him everything that I’ve uncovered. However I stopped myself before I could destroy his world further. Instead, I offered him a smile and shook my head. “I’m sure, wherever he is right now, he is watching over you.” No kin would want to see one of his own suffer after all. We sat for a while longer before parting ways. In my bedroom, I found Konbayoshi Atsushi lying on my bed, silent and unmoving. Quietly, I tiptoed over and wanted to turn off the bedside lamp when his fingers closed around my wrist.

“Master.”

For a long moment, he said nothing. Then he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me. Was it the light or was it the truth? I was taken back by the raw pain in his eyes. This man of near fifty years old who has never shown a second of weakness looked at me with almost a pleading gaze.

You are mine.

He murmured again and again next to my ear as he held me and shared the most intimate of touches with me. I wondered whom he was speaking to and whom he wanted to say those words to.

Even I did not have the heart to refuse him that evening.

Like a dream that’s come and gone, the Konbayoshi Atsushi who slept in my arms like a child that night was no where to be found. And soon, it was back to routine. It was just another day and another night when I stood between Konbayoshi Atsushi and Mukai, reminded again that I am but another pawn.

“Ah, isn’t this the heir to this great family?”

My body stiffened and I kept my eyes away.

“Mukai-san.”

“I shouldn’t bother you any more,” Mukai placed a hand on my back and guided me forward “shall we?”

“Mukai-san is not seeking the services of Opiate’s hosts anymore?” I almost wanted to glance at Takahiro for such untimely words.

“Nonsense, Takahiro; has the lack of food infiltrated your brain?” Konbayoshi Atsushi laughed but I heard the anger in his voice. “Please, Muaki-san, take care of Chitose-chan.” Those words strung together to form my death sentence. I cannot blame Takahiro for I knew that he was just trying to help. I cannot remember much from that evening, but the fact that I was carried back to the Konbayoshi estate spoke of the severity of Mukai’s taking care of me. I lay in bed drifting in and out of sleep, feeling the pain and then not feeling it. I was aware of Konbayoshi Atsushi sitting with me here and there but I had no wish to speak to him.

On a quiet afternoon, the door opened and I turned my head. For a split second I thought I saw Konbayoshi Atsushi’s tormented eyes but then I realized that it was Takahiro. “Hiro…” I wanted to offer him my usual smile, but I couldn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Silly.

“I am the heir to this family, and yet I can do nothing to protect you.”

This time, who knows where I gathered the strength to smile and shake my head. “Silly.” Why are you saying this to me now? Will you give me the hope of something I had only been dreaming of?

“Let’s leave.”

“Mmm?”

“When you get better, let’s leave. Let’s run away from here.” Every cell in my body woke and I starred at him in mute shock. Yet, my inner core betrayed me and I knew I was looking at him with unspoken relief. Am I allowed to hope? “Rest, I’ll take care of everything else.” I felt his lips on the inside of my wrist and I knew that I could give up everything in this world for him.

Both of us worked on different ends. I trusted that he was gathering all the necessities for us while I worked on getting myself back to perfect health as soon as I can. For the first time, I ordered the kitchen staff like I had been given the right to do so, demanding the best of everything. The evening before our anticipated departure, I took out that secret little diary again and touched its cover. In it recorded some of the darkest truths that have never been unveiled. I had looked at it as my last weapon, but now that I will no longer cross path with Konbayoshi Atsushi again, it is of no use to me.

May the rightful person find the most use with it because I was content to let everything go if I could have the one I yearned for.

It did not feel like we were fugitives when we first left the estate. In fact, we talked, joked and laughed for the majority of the day until we had to duck out of public sight and headed for the untouched ground of shoreline. Takahiro had told me of our plan and I agreed that it was the only way to buy us enough time so the influence of the Konbayoshi family won’t track us down. It was hard on us when we only had two backpacks of essentials and we no longer had the comfort of a luxurious estate. We slept in the thickness of forests and ate quick meals before we started moving again.

Takahiro had been working nonstop ever since he first proposed for us to leave, and it showed on his face with each passing day. I looked at his weary expression but kept it to myself, not willing to let defeated moral defeat our determination to leave. It was when he stumbled did I finally let my concern slip.

“I’m fine, let’s go!”

He answered with gusto but I could see the truth. That evening, we ducked into a cave for cover from what seemed like a war of hail. Takahiro collapsed against the stone wall of the cave and shivered throughout the entire night. I wrapped all of our spare clothing around him but still he did not get better. Those few days were the scariest in my life. I held him close to me and felt his burning body and trembling limbs. I could not convince a single doctor to come out to the cave to take a look at him, and I quickly ran out of money buying him all the medicine that I could afford.

The third night, his blood touched my hands as I cradled his head close to me and I knew that we had lost. My tears mingled with his blood and I so regretted meeting him in this circumstance. I put him on the ground gently and emerged from the shadows to find the nearest pay phone.

“Konbayoshi Atsushi.”

I heard his familiar voice and could not find my own.

“Where are you?” Yet, he spoke as if he knew exactly who was calling.

“Send a car for us.” I said. My eyes starred at the darkness in front of me. “He is not to be punished for this, promise me.”

“I get to tell him what happened.”

I bit my lip and shut my eyes tightly, I almost wanted to slam down the phone but my hand burned where Takahiro’s coughed up blood had touched previously.

“Fine.”

He laughed but kept his promise. We returned to the Konayoshi estate within the day and he looked at me calmly. I brushed past him and returned to my own room. I did not know what Konbayoshi Atsushi told Takahiro, but I had no doubt that it was nothing pleasant. The next day, the Konbayoshi family lawyer visited the estate and together they discussed whatever it was that Konbayoshi Atsushi felt so important for almost an entire day.

That evening, I looked at the diary again and its fading colors seemed to remind me of my fading hope.

“I think it’s about time that Takahiro is married.”

Konbayoshi Atsushi and I sat in his study, the fire burned brightly in the fire place beside us. I knew he wanted a reaction from me but I gave him no satisfaction. I learnt from the best, and I was confident that I had surpassed my mentor.

“Shall I speak to him about it?”

“Oh? Will you?”

“If that’s what master wishes of me.”

“How obedient.” He looked at me, searching for a target to hit and I starred back at him. “Does Takahiro still look at you with that love sick expression or has he finally realized that you are mine?” My heart trembled at the memory of that failed attempt to run away. “Or have you finally stopped lying to yourself and come to your senses?”

“And you?” The fire log cracked and I looked at him from across the desk, no flame will be able to warm the ice that covered my words. “Have you finally gotten over you obsession of your brother?” Immediately his face changed and I knew I hit the right spot.

“Have you gone mad?”

“How did you feel when they got married? Did you congratulate your brother? Did you congratulate her?” I smiled, sweet as poison. “Did you smile that snake smile of yours while plotting your revenge?”

Konbayoshi Atsushi’s face showed a darkness that I’ve never witnessed before, needless to say, he was boiling with rage. “What do you know?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking how much do you know instead?”

“Who is feeding you this rubbish?”

“A ghost.” He narrowed his eyes. “She cries every night at the treatment that she received in your hands. She weeps for the pain that she’s suffered. And she wails for her life that was a living hell.” He was silent, but his jaw was set and his knuckles were white. “Do I really need to spell it out for you?” Because it will be my pleasure. “You knew you were born because your parents found out that your brother’s Y chromosome was abnormal and he could not produce enough sperm to impregnate a woman. So to keep your family’s reputation, you raped his newly wedded wife to make sure that she would become pregnant. What you never knew was her doubt and the fact that she did a genetic screening of her own on your brother. She knew that it was impossible for the child to have been his.”

“How…”

“You never thought she’d write everything down? And you never thought I’d find her diary? You have no one to blame but yourself; you are the one who placed me in her rooms. Did you really think I’d never get curious?”

“Are you not worried that I can kill you here and now?”

“That won’t be anything new to this family, no? She was so devastated after the birth of Takahiro that she killed your brother and then took her own life. Did you ever think about that? Or was that what you hoped for?” I enjoyed the twisted look on his face with a grim satisfaction, wanting to laugh at his pain. “No, of course not. You only wanted her to take her life but you never imagined that she was vengeful enough to take your brother with her. It’s because she knew.” I leaned forward, closer, so that I could whisper and see the truth in his eyes. “She knew of your sick obsession with your brother. She knew your fantasies of possessing your brother. She knew every little bit about how you lusted after him, loved him and wanted him. She knew.”

“You little”

Konbayoshi Atsushi bolted from his seat, his hand reached for me but his face grimaced and he groaned in pain. His hand reversed in direction and went to clutch at his heart instead. I stood just as quickly, watching and knowing that it was his heart acting up again. Not many knew that Konbayoshi Atsushi’s already had quite a few scares thanks to heart attacks that had him scrambling for his medicine.

Like right now

“So how do you feel?” I was faster than him and grabbed the bottle of pills as he struggled to breathe. “How did it feel to know that it was your perversion and your sin that led to the death of your brother?”

“Give… bottle… I…”

I looked at him, a man powerful enough to make Tokyo tremble. Right now, he was just another mortal being. This man who ruled over my life and shadowed over me, this man who took away my love, my life, my everything. I knew that I was turning into him, but it was the only way to beat him at his own game. So I smiled and with a flick of my wrist, the bottle turned in the air and landed in the fire place.

“Die. You deserve every second of your pain.” I whispered, motionless, numb.

His eyes rolled back and his hand gave away on the desk. His titantic figure slid to the floor, but that last lift of his lips was of true happiness. It was as if he had won the greatest war as history would document. “Naïve. How naïve you are.” And with a thud, that all important thud, the room was silent except for my breathing and the hungry fire beside me.

If there was happiness –but I never remembered there being happiness-, it was short lived. When the lawyer announced Konbayoshi Atsushi’s last messages, I knew why he had smiled like so even at his death. He did win the war, and I had lost so utterly. Naïve. Like he said, I was so naïve. My peripheral vision told me that Takahiro was looking at me when everyone else was too busy arguing over the validity of such a claim. I turned my head slowly and looked at Takahiro. My eyes stung, my nose burned, my throat wanted to close itself on me. “Your uncle,” I started with a defeated smile “truly cannot be rivalled.”

It was much later when I spoke to the lawyer in passing did I find out that Konbayoshi Atsushi had changed his will the day after Takahiro and I had returned from our attempt at running away.

From then on, I knew that many things have changed. Between Takahiro and me, there will never be the bold move of running away ever again. In reality, between Takahiro and I, there started appearing so many walls and barriers that separated us further and further away. Between the seams of dreams, I always wondered what it would have felt like; if Takahiro and I had gotten away.

“I understand that you and Konbayoshi Atsushi are in no way related, but for a family who has placed Shuusei under arrest for so long, I cannot forget or forgive.” It was many years later that I saw Shuusei and the kumicho of Hirokin-kai at some sort of a gathering again. When I proposed the idea of joining forces, the kumicho politely but firmly turned me down.

“How does it feel, Shuusei-san?” I mused when the two of us were alone. “How does it feel to have someone love you so unconditionally, so without reserve, so without inhibition?”

Shuusei looked at me and smiled. “Not everything become reality just because you see it.”

I knew that he has his own hardships with his relationship and his own baggage to carry, but I still could not hide my jealousy at the way that the kumicho would look at him with such devotion. I looked for that in my clients but only found empty vessels. Then I had the illusion that if I waited long enough then nothing will matter any more and Takahiro and I could be like as we used to be.

What a beautiful dream that was.

They say time heals everything, but time also takes away everything. When I returned after four years to a familiar home but with its players changed, when I saw the young host, when I saw the way Takahiro looked at Kazuya, I knew it was time to wake from that dream. And yet, everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked, I saw memories of the past that refused to let me go.

When I saw Mukai again, I knew I had channelled all my frustration and anger towards him. There was no wish for BDSM; I only lured him into such a trap so I could finally set myself free. When Ren whipped him to his last breath, I stood and watched his eyes give out life. The number two host bolted from the room, but I only drew closer to Mukai. I knelt down by his head and looked into his lifeless eyes. I fulfilled my promise to Bakusui but he would never understand that now Mukai is gone, I no longer belonged to the past.

For the first time, I could enter Konbayoshi Atsushi’s bedroom and lie in his bed without a furiously beating heart.

But it was the radiant, afternoon sun of Miami port that woke me to this world and Takahiro’s voice that grounded me. “I am about to board the ship soon. Take care of yourself.” It would be a lie to say it doesn’t hurt to know that his bed is warmed by someone else, but at least I could say that in this life time of mine, I also had someone whom I could give up everything for.

“Are you ready?” Kain took the phone from my hand when I flipped it shut and I nodded my head. “There is nothing to worry about, I am always near. In the next ten years, you will see the entire world, I promise you.”

“I have no doubt.”

“Shall we?” He extended a bent arm towards me and I took it graciously. This is a host’s job and I am the best at this job after all.

Then, under the sun of the Miami heat, I saw the last person I’d expected to have seen, but also the most likely person. “Shuusei-san.” The older man turned to look at me. He assessed the situation as I did the same; an understanding surely could be reached. So I smiled and tilted my head playfully. “Ah, Tanrin-sama is going to be heart broken to know that you won’t be with him on Christmas.”

Shuusei smiled but said nothing. “I will see you around.” He answered as succinctly as ever before handing the crew his bag and ID.

“Who is that?” Kain questioned beside me, his expression pleasant but tone curious as ever.

I looked back at the captain of this ship and smiled. “I have ten years to tell you all about that story.”

To be continued...