.Land of the Sylphs

Ye Sylph Shoppe

 (a customer walks in the door)

Customer:  Good Morning.

Owner:  Good morning, Sir. Welcome to Ye International Sylph Emporium!

Customer:  Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner:  What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer:  Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through a collection of ‘Living Within Reach,’  by Kerri Nolan, and I suddenly felt a desire to develop affectionate patronage towards an exotic creature capable of intellectual elocution..

Owner:  Elocution?

Customer:  Discourse.

Owner:  Eh?

Customer:  Eee, ah gon talk wit  ma pet!

Owner:  Ah!  Talking.

Customer:  In a nutshell.  I thought to myself, ‘I know it’s a bit trendy to seek a pet sylph these days, but Kerri’s amputation situation made me think I might enjoy something more socially heterodoxical, as it were.  So I restored the cartoon in the archives and sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some international homonculi!

Owner:  Come again?

Customer:  I want to buy a sylph.

Owner:  Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Customer:  Oh, heaven forbid:  I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsicho-rean muse!

Owner:  Sorry?

Customer:  Everybody POLKA!

Owner:  So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer:  Most certainly! Now then, a sylph please, my good man.

Owner:  (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer:  Well, uh, how about a Japanese pearl diver?

Owner:  I’m afraid we’re fresh out of pearl divers, sir.

Customer:  Oh, never mind, how are you on Greek belly dancers?

Owner:  I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Customer:  Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Irish step dancer, if you please.

Owner:  Ah! It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer:  Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Zulu metal assayist?

Owner:  Sorry, sir.

Customer:  One legged Amsterdam prostitute?

Owner:  Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer:  Ah, Brazilian pharmacological sa-leswoman?

Owner:  Sorry.

Customer:  Eskimo quantity surveyor?  Chinese yak breeder?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Any Elvis Impersonating Jakuts?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Caribbean band saw sharpener?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Bantu dance therapist?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Republican Lesbian?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Democrat governor’s beard?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Double beard?

Owner:  (pause) No.

Customer:  ESPN Olympic Luge Correspon-dent?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Panamanian Private Investigator?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Polish violinist?  German cellist?  Ukrainian bassoon reed fitter?  Italian marble softener?  Basque Cheerleader?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  English professor, perhaps?

Owner:  Ah.  We have an English professor, sir.

Customer:  (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner:  Ah...she’s a bit radical.

Customer:  Oh, I like them radical.

Owner:  Well, she’s very radical, sir, actually.

Customer:  No matter!  Fetch hither the belle of academe Anglais!

Owner:  I...  I think she’s a bit more radical than you’ll like, sir.

Customer:  I don't care how fucking radical she is. Hand her over with all speed.

Owner:  Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Customer:  What now?

Owner:  She’s gotten tenure, sir.

Customer:  (pause) Has she.

Owner:  Yes, sir.

Customer:  (pause)  Bahrani barrel filler?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Sudanian desert raker?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Cantonese cattle guard installation quality insurance inspector?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Smoked Austrian?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Japanese Sage?

Owner:  No, sir.

Customer:  You...do *have* some sylphs, don't you?

Owner:  (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a sylph shop, sir. We've got--

Customer:  No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner:  Fair enough.

Customer:  Yenta?

Owner:  Yes?

Customer:  Ah, well, I'll have one of those!

Owner:  Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Yenta, that's my name.

Customer:  (pause) Atlanta Coke Delivery Re-tailer?

Owner:  Uh, not as such.

Customer:  Dark Irish Astronaut Union Shop Steward?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Left-handed Slavic Sheep sorter?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Pakistani Hockey Goalie?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Danish Bimbo?

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Czechoslavakian Cotton Pickin’ Finger Lickin’ Chicken Plucker?

Owner:  Um...could you repeat that?

Customer:  I fear we’d lose our family friendly rating.

Owner:  No.

Customer:  Venezuela Beaver Vet?

Owner:  Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer:  (pause) Aah, how about a Califor-nia blonde with an enormous bosom?

Owner:  Well, we don't get much call for those around here, sir.

Customer:  Not much ca-- it's the single most popular sylph in the world!

Owner:  Not 'round here, sir.

Customer:  (slight pause) and what IS the most popular sylph 'round hyah?

Owner:  French Maid, sir.

Customer:  IS it.

Owner:  Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer:  Is it.

Owner:  It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer:  I see.  French Maid, eh?

Owner:  Right, sir.

Customer:  All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner:  No. Not really, sir.

Customer:  You haven't.

Owner:  Nosir. Not a tit. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer:  Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner:  Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer:  What a *senseless* waste of human life.