Which Way the Wind Blows

Chapter 26

Chris’ sobbing slowly ebbed into sniffles and an occasional trickle of tears by the time Kee and Joe arrived. He’d begged off seeing them when they first came in, opting for a long, hot shower. In the small shower-bathtub combo, he tried to wash away the memory from the previous night of Warren smiling coldly down at him as he brought him to that sensational climax – all the while knowing he’d gotten Chris to reveal he still loved him. But making sure Chris knew it was now a one-sided love. Warren was over the relationship and had moved on. And from the moves he’d used the previous night, Chris knew his ex had been playing the field ever since. Just like Chris had done to him. Had he been that obviously cruel though?

When they were together, Warren was the only man he’d been with. There were other girls besides Victoria, back before he and she’d silently yet mutually agreed to their relationship, but Warren had been the only man he wanted. Funny how Chris always assumed he would be the only man for Warren, as well. But then, he was egotistical back then, believing the dark haired man would settle for the unofficial relationship Chris had set out for them. He supposed he deserved his fate, in some way, for the neglect he’d shown his lover for six years. What really hurt the most though was that Warren had morphed into such a cold bastard after he left Seattle. But Chris kept telling himself he deserved it. He must. He was a real bastard to Warren.

The water, once hot, was gradually getting colder as Chris continued to scrub at his skin with a bar of soap until it was red from the pressure. He began to sob again as he mourned not the loss of the relationship but the loss of innocence in his ex. Warren was too good for him. That he knew. But this new Warren was a cold monster Chris hardly even recognized. He remembered his lover as they were in college, about a year after they started going out. It was before Chris had ruined everything. It was back when the relationship was still new. Warren looked so young and shy back then, but beautiful … at least to Chris. He’d worn his hair longer and a pesky lock of it would always fall into his dark brown eyes. Chris remembered how he used to tease the boy as he’d pushed it back on Warren’s head … and how it fell back into his face when Chris pulled his hand away.

“Don’t ever change, Warren,” he’d whispered to him one night in their dorm room as they drifted off to sleep.

“How could I?” Warren had chuckled.

“Just making sure,” Chris had smiled as he tightened his arms around Warren’s thin waist and laid his cheek against his head.

The memory caused a fresh spate of tears as Chris confronted the fact that he was the very catalyst that had changed Warren. Whether or not what had happened the night before was right in anyone’s eyes, he knew that he’d been the one to cause the coldness that Warren projected at him. He was the reason that the shy boy from long ago had died, and was reborn into the man he’d been with the previous night. The old Warren never would have let things go that far. The old Warren would have dumped him on the couch to sleep it off, but he never would have drawn the confession of love out of him and cruelly pushed him into the coldest, loneliest climax he’d ever had while staring down at him like he was nothing. And yet, that’s what Warren had made him feel like. And again, he acknowledged that he deserved it. But Warren never deserved to be destroyed like that. And the onus lay on Chris’ shoulders. No one else’s.

He didn’t know how long he’d been in the shower but suddenly someone turned the now-freezing cold water off and wrapped a towel around him. He couldn’t climb over the tub though to get out. So he let his sobs intensify again as he slid down the wall to kneel inside of it.

“It’s going to be okay,” he dimly heard Kee say as he and Joe helped him out of the tub. “You’ll be fine.”

He wanted to tell them he didn’t deserve to be fine, but the tears wouldn’t let his voice work.

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“What do you think he’s doing right now?” Jake asked Warren as they sat in the dark haired man’s living room.

Warren shrugged, still fingering the ring Chris had left behind. He was amazed that he hadn’t even noticed last night that the blonde still wore it. But then, Warren’s mind had been on other things. Like revenge. He guessed he’d achieved what he’d set out to do. Mindy didn’t have to tell him how broken Chris had looked when he’d left earlier. Warren saw it dawning on the drunken blonde when he climaxed, realizing Warren wasn’t assuring him that he loved him too. And did he? Warren wasn’t sure how he felt. He’d spent so many months being angry at him … pent up rage for the last six years of being made to feel like his feelings weren’t important enough to Chris. And he’d unleashed the whole thing on his ex-lover at a time when Chris was in no condition to handle it.

“I still don’t see what the big deal is,” Jake went on.

“I do,” the dark haired man said absently. “I should have left him at the bar for Kee to deal with.”

“That guy is like a mother hen.”

“Not like you at all,” Warren quipped with a hollow smirk.

“At least I chose the good guy.”

“Thinks you.”

There was also the fact that Chris was living on the other side of the country from the family who once dictated his every move. The family Chris once feared would find out he was dating another man. True, Victoria was living here with him, but from all outward appearances, they now shared a platonic relationship. Chris had never once touched her affectionately like he used to back in Seattle, when they seemed destined to fulfill their parents’ wishes to get married. She insisted she’d left that life behind as well. Much as Warren wanted to keep believing they were deceiving him, why would Victoria go through the charade if it wasn’t true? What would she have to gain by leaving her family and helping Chris get back together with his ex-male lover?

The ring felt hot to him … like it would burn a black mark into his palm. But Warren couldn’t let it go. He held onto it tightly, like a life preserver in a way. He thought back to when he’d given it to Chris on their third anniversary.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Chris had said as he carefully unwrapped the small box.

“Why not? You got me something.”

“A couch for your new living room,” Chris said as he quirked an eyebrow, pulling at the tape on the wrapping paper. “And that was a necessity.”

“Yeah,” Warren snorted, “a real necessity. Because you wanted a new place to … ravish me, I believe.”

“I could have done that on your bed.”

“You know how you like to do … it … sitting up.” Warren hated how his face still flushed when they talked about sex. It had been three years already!

“Hey!” Chris whistled as he opened the box to reveal the gold ring Warren had chosen for him. Then he scowled and looked up at his lover. “This cost you too much, I’m sure!”

“Well, you can’t return it!” Warren laughed. “I had the inside engraved.”

Chris pulled the ring out and looked in the band. “I won’t ever change. –W” he read before he looked up. He didn’t need Warren to tell him what he’d meant. They both remembered that night two years before when they were still in college.

“Happy anniversary,” Warren smiled as Chris pulled him into a kiss.

“Happy anniversary.”

“Hey!” Jake pulled him out of his thoughts. “You keep spacing out on me.”

“Sorry,” Warren muttered.

Jake gave him a long knowing glance. “You’re not over him, are you?”

Warren narrowed his eyes and looked up at him then back down to the ring. “Truthfully?” At Jake’s nod he shrugged. “I don’t know. But what’s troubling me is that Mindy’s right. I never would have done something like that before.”

Jake nodded thought fully. “And now you’re worried because you’ve turned into someone who could do something like that?” he ventured.

“I guess.”

“Well,” Jake sighed. “I guess I’m not a good influence on you.”

“What am I, twelve?” Warren asked. “If anyone’s at fault here for what happened last night, it’s me, not you, pal.”

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“I’ll kill him,” Kee muttered once Chris was out of the shower, dried off and dressed in sweats.

He, Joey and Lauren sat on the couch while Victoria and Chris sat on the matching smaller sofa – Chris refused to call it a loveseat right now.

“It’s not his fault,” Chris said.

“Look …”

“No, listen to me,” he said softly, commanding all of their attention. “What happened last night,” his voice cracked a bit on the last word, “was a mess. But it was closure.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, letting him off like that,” Kee shrieked.

“Really,” he gave the brunette a hard look. “That’s the way I want it.”

“But …”

“No, Kee,” Chris sighed. “I appreciate your loyalty, but in this case it’s misplaced.”

“I don’t agree,” Victoria started.

“You know it’s not entirely his fault,” he said to her. “We both know how I treated him for six years.”

“How?” Kee demanded with folded arms, not at all convinced that Chris should take any blame.

“I …” He took a deep breath then let it out and launched into the whole story. He left nothing out anymore, describing the way he neglected Warren and ignored the man’s pleas for some attention and affection. Victoria grudgingly backed him up on it and added that she’d known about the relationship but thought Warren was too good for Chris … at the time, she’d stressed, with a scowl. Chris gave them a detailed description of his last conversation with him in Seattle. Victoria countered with an account of what Chris had gone through since Warren left, from his conversation with his parents to what happened after … including being cut off and evicted from his apartment.

“So, you see,” Chris concluded, “I’m not blameless.”

Kee and Lauren traded looks during the story and sat back to digest what they’d heard.

“Well,” Lauren said after a while. “I won’t lie and pretend that what you did wasn’t bad. It was.”

“Horrible,” Kee added. “But not an excuse for what he did.”

Chris shrugged.

“Look, as someone who almost ruined his own chances for a good life and a happy relationship,” Joe said, “I can’t help but agree with Kee. You apologized to the guy when he confronted you. You left the building he lived in. You had no intention of bothering him again. What he did last night was nothing short of revenge.” The blonde leaned toward Chris. “And that wasn’t justified, especially when you were drunk and vulnerable.”

Chris wasn’t convinced.

“Look at this way,” Lauren said. “If you were sober and he put the moves on you like that, would you have slept with him?”

Chris shook his head. “I could see in his eyes he didn’t really want me anymore,” he whispered. “He was so cold to me.”

“So you see why Kee’s concerned then,” she sighed. “Chris, you were an asshole to him. But you had already bowed out of his life. And anyway, he had six years to tell you to shit or get off the pot.”

“Succinctly and disgustingly put,” Kee said with a wrinkled nose. “He didn’t have to stay with you for so long. I know I wouldn’t have.”

“The point is,” Lauren leaned in and looked at Chris earnestly. “You’re not that guy anymore. And whether or not Warren can forgive you for the past, he had no right to take advantage of you that way.”

“But I changed him!”

“He chose to change himself!” Victoria exploded. “So did you. Choose to change yourself, I mean. The difference is that you did it for the better.”


“That’s right,” Lauren said. “You can’t change the past, but if you choose to dwell in it, you’ll completely miss out on the future.”

Chris looked down and sniffled again, turning that over in his head. He did want to move on already. And he was exhausted from the constant guilt. Maybe it was time to let it go.

“Okay,” he said softly. “But I don’t want anyone to … avenge me.” He speared Kee with a pointed look.

“But …”

“I mean it … pal,” Chris smiled.

And Kee blinked, not sure how to take a smiling Chris right now. “Well,” he said reluctantly. “Okay. But if tries anything again.”

“He won’t,” Chris assured him. “He doesn’t even know where I live now, so how can he?”

“He said he did,” Kee mused.

“He was lying,” Victoria rolled her eyes. “And if he values his balls, he won’t try to track him down.”

“A little protective there, aren’t you?” Chris asked.

“That’s what friends are for,” she grinned.