November

November 12

Saturday, but Jesse was up early again. He called Michael before breakfast and agreed to meet him in the cafeteria for a meal. At seven, he made his way downstairs. Michael was already waiting for him. He smiled warmly at Jesse, looked him discreetly over. Jesse wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Morning."
"Good morning. How do you feel?"
Jesse shrugged, feeling his face start to get hot again.
"I'm OK."
Wisely, Michael eased off the topic.
"Are you hungry?"
Jesse shrugged.
"I guess so."
Michael raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. He got up and retrieved two orange juices for them and a selection from a plate of bagels. Jesse sipped the juice but turned the bagel down. Michael acquired for himself some eggs and rice milk, and chewed cautiously as Jesse rolled the glass of juice between his fingers and didn't talk. The cafeteria was still quiet this early in the morning, and they had a degree of privacy in their space. Suddenly, Jesse asked, without looking up at him.
"Are you going to want to do that again?"
Michael took a minute to answer.
"Not all the time, Jesse, but yes."
Jesse looked sick, began squeezing the glass in his hands. Michael quietly chewed on his eggs and watched him.
"Because maybe we don't have to do that every time I see you."
Michael nodded.
"You're right. We don't. We can only do it sometimes, like when you say you'd like to or that it's alright."
Jesse looked quickly at him, then away.
"Because I don't want you to get mad at me."
"I won't."
"But it just hurt a lot, and I don't know if I want to do that again."
Michael swallowed his eggs.
"I know. The first time, it can hurt a lot."
Jesse's breath hitched a little, but he went on.
"And I tried to like it, I really did, but it hurt kind of badly, and I don't think I want to do it again." his voice seemed to be rising, and the glass was getting perilously close to breaking, so Michael set down his fork and covered both of Jesse's hands in his own.
"Hey. Take it easy. Calm down."
Jesse stared at their hands and tried to take slow breaths in.
"Please don't be mad at me."
"I won't. I'm not. But I think you're misunderstanding what's going on here. Last night was just an introduction, OK? Just a beginning. It won't always be like that. And it won't always hurt."
Jesse kept his eyes down on his hands.
"Are we going to get in trouble?"
Michael shook his head.
"They already offered me the opportunity to spend a night or two in your bed, so...no."
Jesse furrowed his brow.
"I'm really sorry. About everything."
Michael frowned, squeezed his hands together.
"Don't say that. You don't have to be sorry. Nothing's wrong, OK? You're doing everything right, right now. Everything is OK."
Jesse nodded.
"I didn't mean to wake you up this morning."
"I always get up early."
"But Vichy's not here and I didn't want to eat by myself."
"I like eating with you."
"And it's really hard because ever since I got in trouble that last time, nobody but my peer group really wants to eat with me. Not that they did before, anyway, but I'm really by myself now."
Michael's expression got a little stony, but he kept his cool.
"And I - I gave my apology note to Ortega, like you said, and I think we're OK now, we're friends again, so maybe, if you want, we can all hang out sometime, like me and you and him and James."
Michael didn't respond to this.
"I mean, because after Vichy gets married, he'll go far away like he is now and then I'll be alone again."
Michael frowned. Jesse looked up and met his eyes.
"I just don't think I want to be alone again."