Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie
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Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
24
Views:
4,481
Reviews:
70
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Category:
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
24
Views:
4,481
Reviews:
70
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Chapter 23
Here's another chapter. Just finished writing it, haven't had enough time to do a good thorough proofreading, but I hope you like it.
//blah// stands for sign language.
Chapter XXIII
The trip home seemed so much longer than it did when I left. When I left, I was excited. I was eager to get away from my father, from the people who knew girly George Jr., and start a new life where no one knew my past and I could recreate myself. I was determined to be happy. Now here I am, two years later, driving back to the very place I had left. To the very past I wanted to leave buried. I had fooled myself. Too blinded by childhood fantasies, I shocked myself by not getting my fairy tale ending—no group of loving friends, no prince charming, no stability whatsoever.
As the bus reached the Florida state line early that morning, I pulled out the letter Marcus had wrote me and began to read for the third time……
Gwen,
I debated on whether I should write this letter to you or not. Not because I didn’t want to send word to you, but I always thought love letters were soft. But then I realized I wasn’t exactly a tough man anyway……not since you came into my life. You know, I’ve never loved anyone. I have respect for a select few, but during my short years of life I could honestly say I’ve never loved anyone. Not even my mother. But then I met you and you turned my world upside down. A picture of you would flash through my memory everyday after I saw you at that stoplight singing that Natalie Cole song. I hoped I would see you again and if I did, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you go by me again. I swore that I would keep you forever. I don’t know if you realized just how much power you had over me. I’d been in the drug business ever since I was a child. That, hustling, and carjacking was all I knew how to do. But I’d have left it in a heartbeat if I saw that it was causing me to have to choose between it and you. I WAS leaving it, actually. One of my good friends, Jay Waller, was gonna take it over and I was gonna go away with you.
God, I miss you so much. It kills me that I have to stay here with all these guys and all I really want to do is just be with you. To kiss and hold you again. To watch you smile and hear you laugh. But I know this is no one’s fault but mine. I put myself in this business, knowing it was wrong, just to make quick and easy money. I apologize to you because I know you had put your all into our relationship and I caused it to fall through. I’m sorry. I am so sorry. Nothing can change the outcome of this situation but maybe I can still help you with something. I hope you don’t mind, but I had a friend of mine tap into your bank account and make a deposit for you. There should be $100,000 in there. More than enough for all the surgeries you’d need plus extra. You’re beautiful already but I know how much this means to you and I’d like to help bring your dream a bit more close to reality.
The only thing I ask in return is one thing—forget about me. I’m serving 40 years for my drug involvement and for what I did to Carlos, so it’d be stupid for you to wait for me. It would be selfish of me to want to keep you waiting……even though my mind thinks it. Please, find you someone else. But not just anyone, find a good guy that’s worthy of YOU. All of you. And don’t be afraid of who you are. I grew to love you more when I found out. I saw your inner bravery. I saw your desire. I saw your determination to become the person you knew you were on the inside and I admired that. Your friend Savannah is open about hers, she swears by that philosophy, and so should you. Don’t be afraid, Gwen, because you’re strong. Stronger than what you think. If you don’t believe me, just look back over your life and ask yourself would anyone else endure what you have and still followed through with their desires?
I should stop because if I don’t I’ll write you a novel. Goodluck to you, sweetheart. I love you. Always.
Marcus.
A tear escaped my eyes, running down my cheek, my chin, and finally dropping to the paper I held, smearing the ‘a’ in Marcus’ name. My chest began to ache so much, I could hardly breathe. A familiar tightening formed in my throat and I had to gasp from the pain. I tried to keep my tears at bay for the sake of not alarming the elderly woman sitting next to me because I did this every time I read it, but I just couldn’t help myself. Marcus broke up with me. It’s over between us. Of course I know that with him being in prison, our relationship couldn’t last but…………it’s still tough to hear. I loved that man. I still do. When I met him and we fell in love, I felt that I’d finally done it. I’d finally found a man who I loved more than anything and he loved me the same way. But then it fell through and no amount of money can fill the hole he put in my heart. Am I destined to be alone? Am I supposed to grow old knowing I’m the lonely transsexual who’s cursed to never find true love but spend my years…….i don’t know, raising cats? Am I cursed? For rebelling against my natural order of being a man, I’ve cursed myself to never find love? That has to be the case because my transitioning has come fairly easy, but I keep losing the battle for finding the man of my dreams.
Suddenly I saw a clean, white handkerchief appear before my eyes. I looked up from the letter in my hands to the woman sitting next to me. You know I watch Golden Girls quite often, so she immediately reminded me of Blanche Devareaux.
I took the cloth thankfully and began to wipe my eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, darlin’. It’s a real shame to see such a pretty gal like yourself cryin’ so. It seems every time you pull that letter out, you’re a river of tears. Are you leavin’ your troubles or drivin’ to it?”
“A little bit of both, actually.” I whispered, sniffing.
She touched my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t let life steal your joy, suga’. Just ‘cause thangs ain’t goin’ your way now, don’t mean you can’t change it. You believe in destiny?”
“I’m starting to.”
“Well don’t. You know who’s in control of your future? You are. I was a hellion in my younga years. Everythang morally shameful a young affluent gal could get into, I did times two. I was hardly a candidate for deservin’ a happy endin’. But I did. What I did, was I claimed it and soon I got it. I married a stock broker 50 years ago, had two wonderful children whom we raised in a happy, stable home, and here I am today on my way to Orlando to spend time with my youngest son, his wife, and my four grandchildren.”
I grinned. “You’ve got the happiness I’ve dreamed of having.”
“You can have the same thang, child. But you gotta claim it first, you hear? You know it’s yours so claim it. Then watch as it all unfolds for you.”
“Ladies and gentleman, we have now reached Florida. Our first drop off will be in Roxboro and it will cover the following areas of Aldo, Manesfield, and Parkers Hill. Thanks for traveling Greyhound and have a great day.” The driver called on his intercom as he pulled the large bus to the side of the small Greyhound building.
“Well, that’s me.” I said. “Thank you for your advice and the handkerchief, Mrs.—“
“Rosetta. Everyone calls me, Rosetta.”
“It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Rosetta. I’m Gwen. Thanks again for your encouragement. You’re a very sweet lady.”
“You’re more than welcome, darlin’.” She stood so I could get passed her and into the aisle. “Take care of yourself, hear?”
I smiled. “Yes, M’am.”
Stepping off the bus, I found my luggage the driver had helped unpack for me. Once I and a few other former passengers were unloaded, the bus was put back in DRIVE and we were all left to our own devices. I immediately called for a cab and waited outside the Greyhound building on the bench for my ride to arrive. Twenty minutes later, the yellow car showed up and I was sitting in the backseat heading back to the life I’d once left behind.
***
Parker’s Hill hadn’t changed at all. I mean nothing. Maybe the neighborhood children had grown a few inches and the adults grew one or two gray hairs but nothings different. The same people are still here……….which will make my adjustment back home that much more difficult. Luckily, it was 4:30 in the morning and no one was outside to see who was driving up in a cab.
The driver pulled the cab up to the tan trailer. Judging by the cars and truck parked next to us, I knew everyone was home. “That’ll be $35, miss.” I paid the man, then walked with my luggage to the door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked and waited. There was silence for a while—of course, everyone was sleeping—so I knocked again. That’s when I finally heard movement. The door slowly cracked open, I could see the door chain holding it securely. There peaked out a beautiful face. A heart-shaped, almond eyed, brunette, Florida sun-kissed face. She frowned at me, initially. “Can I help you?”
When I opened my mouth, the words escaped me. Too overwhelmed to form any sentences, I just stood there, staring at her. I know it made her uncomfortable, being that someone she didn’t recognize, knocked on her door at 4:30 in the morning then stood there staring at her like some lunatic. I’d have grabbed father’s rifle by now.
“Do I know you or something? Why are you knocking on my door this early in the morning?” Still nothing. My emotions were getting the best of me and the words just wouldn’t come out. I just stood there, my mouth gaping open and closed like a fish out of water. Too tired and grumpy to put up with my odd mannerisms, she sighed. “Get away from this door.” She moved back to shut the door but she stopped when I said the only thing my mind could muster.
“Mama.”
She pulled the door back open and glared at me. Then she shut the door and I could hear her unlocking the chain from the door. Opening it again, wider this time, she stood in the doorframe, gathering her floor-length yellow robe tightly around her. Now that the door was out the way I could see her fully. She’d slimmed down some in the years I’d been gone and I immediately began to wonder if that was my fault. Textured brown hair, much like mine, was tied loosely behind her, but a few long bangs escaped and curved around her face. She was as beautiful as always.
Mama blinked a number of times to rid the cloud of sleep from her brain. “What did you just say to me? Who are……..” She stopped. Slowly, her hand went to her chest and I could see the confusion she carried go away. Stepping closer to me, she gently placed her hands on my cheeks. Tears welled up in both our eyes. “Junior?” She whispered. I nodded. Before I could even blink, Mama had me in her arms and I grabbed hold of her, clinching her tight by her robe. I could feel her shaking as she literally sobbed.
“My baby, my baby, my baby…” She cried. She held me so snug against her, I began to wonder if she thought she was dreaming. I continued to hold on to her tightly, showing her that she wasn’t dreaming. That I was really here. I was really home. She kissed my forehead then my cheek as she held my face once again. “Look at you.” She said in wonderment.
“Not the same Junior you remember, huh?”
She shook her head. “You look just like me in my pageant days.” She smiled then kissed my forehead again then pushed me inside. “Get in here.” Just as she pulled my bags inside and shut the door behind her, Felicia walked in from the back wearing a thin, cotton nightdress. At some point, she’d cut her hair off into a short but fashionable boy cut. It suited her small frame perfectly. She looked like a pixie.
She spotted mama’s tearful face. “Mama, is everything alright?”
Mama stood beside me and placed her hands on my arms. “It’s more than alright. Guess who this is.”
Felicia frowned, shaking her head. She had no clue, so I walked to her and said, “Hi, sis.”
Gasping, she touched her chest much like mama did. “Oh my God……..Georgie?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, you’re……..you’re a woman. I…..wow.” She checked me out all over. “You’re voice is even higher. I can’t believe it.”
“I’m not too strange looking to get a hug, am I?”
“Of course not.” We embraced and I could tell by the way she held me that she was sincere. “You’re my family. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
When we broke away, Mama spoke up. “Maybe we should all get to bed. We’ll talk more in the morning.” I nodded and followed Mama as she carried my other bag to my old room. “Nothing’s changed in here since you left. I just straightened up a bit because you always had a problem keeping your room clean.” I smiled. “But I knew you’d come back sooner or later.” She kissed my cheek. “Good night, sweetheart. Talk to you in the morning.”
I nodded. “Goodnight.”
***
It was 10 am when mama, Felicia, and I sat in the kitchen having breakfast. Mama had fixed a big helping of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and while we ate, I told them everything that went on in Las Vegas. Some things, I could tell, they didn’t want to hear but I felt it necessary. I wasn’t going to hide what happened to me there because it wasn’t ‘all good’ or ‘perfect’. I had some bad things happen to me and VERY bad things happen to me.
“So is that where these cuts came from?” Mama asked as she touched my cheek, her thumb grazing the split at my lip.
“Yeah.”
“So the Tony guy is dead?”
I nodded. “Savannah went to see Marcus in prison and she told him about me being missing. She told him where I might be and he called up his friend, Jay, to come find me and to…….get rid of Tony. The other guy I told you about, Morgan, he’s still out there somewhere.”
“Did Morgan rape you too?”
“……Yes.” I saw Mama drop her head in her hand. I grabbed her other hand and held it. “Mama, it’s okay—“
She shook her head. “No. No, it’s not. All this time……..All these years, I sat here day after day wondering where you were and if you were alright, and you were getting raped, beaten, and selling your body? You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to put up with that, Junior. You could’ve come home, you know that.”
“Father would’ve never stood for that. He didn’t even know I was transitioning when I left, so he’d have rather took a bat to me than watch me turn into a woman. I’m nervous now about what he’ll do when he wakes up and sees me.”
“Don’t you worry about him. Those days are over. He may run off at the mouth, but he’s not going to lay a finger on you.” I nodded, looking down at my food. “I’m going to take you to the clinic this afternoon to make sure you’re okay. All those dirty men on top of you………” She sighed. “There’s no telling what you could’ve gotten from them.” She looked at me and Felicia. “Y’all finished?” When we nodded, she took both our plates and began to wash them.
“Okay. So tell me more about this last guy, Marcus the Bad Boy.” My sister said to me.
I smiled. “I really didn’t know he was like that until the end. I only saw him act out once in all the time we were together. That was when we were at The House of Blues and we ran into my ex, Carlos. He just picked the man up and slammed him on the table like he was a doll.”
“Wow. That had to be a turn on for you—Marcus protecting your honor like that. So noble.”
“At the time, it wasn’t. I had too much stuff going on in my mind to really notice it like that, but yeah I’d say it could considered a real turn on. Other than that incident though, I didn’t notice a thing. He was very sweet and kind. And funny too. He always kept me laughing.” I reached down to my neck and touched the multi-diamond necklace that hung there. “He gave me this.”
Felicia held the charm in her hand and gazed at it. “Wow, that’s beautiful. And it’s large too. It must’ve cost him a good penny.” She looked at me with a little glint in her eye. “And what did you give him in return?”
My mouth gaped open. “None of your business.”
“Uh huh.”
“Shut up.” We laughed.
“You miss him, don’t you?” She stated. “I can hear it in your voice.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.”
“You have a picture of him?”
“I’m sure I do, but I’ll have to find them.”
Just then Eddie walks out from the back, rubbing his eyes. He’s starting to grow out his ‘cute phase’ and become quite the looker to be just 14. Apparently his growth spurt had hit him as well cause he looked around 5’9”, mine and Felicia’s height. The baby fat was gone and what was left was a lean young man with long dark brown—almost black—hair that was shagged around his face, beautiful brown eyes, and masculine bone structure. Apparently, Eddie’s lip reading skills had improved cause when mama started to speak to him, his eyes went straight to her mouth.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Rest well?”
He shrugged. //As well as can be, considering my feet are hanging off the bed.// Mama chuckled. //You promised I’d get another bed, mama.//
“Yes, you’re getting another bed, love. Your father’s going to pick you up on this weekend. Come here, let me show you something.” Stepping further into the kitchen, Eddie followed his mother to the family room where me and Felicia had moved to watch tv. When he saw me, he immediately flushed a rosy pink in his cheeks, I guess embarrassed cause he was caught by a ‘stranger’ in his black with yellow smiley face boxers and white t-shirt.
//Look familiar?// Mama pointed in my direction. I stood from the couch and walked towards my little brother.
He stared at me for a long time but finally shook his head ‘no’. Surprisingly I still remembered how, considering I hadn’t done it in years. I lifted my hand and signed, //Brother.//
His mouth dropped. //George?// When I nodded, he shook his head in disbelief. Tears coming to his eyes, he stepped away from me, running back into his room.
Not the response I’d expected, but I wasn’t shocked by it. Eddie never knew what was going on with me. I started my transition when I was his age so he was too little to understand anyway. Even when I ran away I only told him I was leaving because of father. That was partially the truth but not the whole the truth. So I understand his shock at seeing me. One day you have a brother, the next a sister.
Mama started after him, but I stopped her. “Let me talk to him.” When she nodded, I walked to into Eddie’s room. He was sitting Indian-style on his bed and he was holding a small framed picture in his hands. I sat down next to him and leaned in to see what picture it was. It was of the both of us. I looked to be about 12 and he must’ve been 6. I was laying belly first across my bed and he was laying on my back, waving for the camera. We both had smiles on our faces—mine more like a cute grin and his showed all his baby teeth. My hair was much shorter then, a bit on the messy side from play wrestling with him no doubt.
//That was a long time ago. I remember you following me everywhere back then.//
//I loved having an older brother. I appreciated you more than I did father. When you left I was devastated. I missed my brother. I missed having you around. And you seemed so happy back then, why did you do this to yourself?//
//I wasn’t happy, Eddie. I hated the way I looked. I hated being a boy. My mind couldn’t………my mind didn’t reflect who I was on the outside. I always knew what I was meant to be and that was to be a woman. But I couldn’t do it here. Not with father around. And you know that. You know father can’t stand my very presence. I had to find a place where I could be free to become who I knew I really was. It’s kind of hard to explain and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth.//
//How’d you get like this? Did you take a pill or something?//
//Shots mostly. Lots and lots of shots.//
//Is that really why you left?//
//Yes. That’s why.//
//So…….does this mean you like guys?//
//Yeah. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends since being away.//
Eddie sighed and looked and the picture again in his hands before he looked back at me again. //Are you happy as a woman?//
I nodded. //I feel like I’m finally being who I am. I’d have been a very depressed man by now if I hadn’t gone through with this.//
//Okay. I can accept that. Just as long as you’re happy.//
//Thank you. I love you, kiddo, and I’ll always be there for you……..I’ll just be offering sisterly advice instead of brotherly.// I smiled when I saw him chuckle. I pulled him to me and hugged him, but I stiffened when I heard a voice coming from the kitchen. A voice that had scared the hell out of me for years. A voice that could turn me into a stammering chicken. My father.
“Who ate all the food?” He asked mama.
More to come....
//blah// stands for sign language.
Chapter XXIII
The trip home seemed so much longer than it did when I left. When I left, I was excited. I was eager to get away from my father, from the people who knew girly George Jr., and start a new life where no one knew my past and I could recreate myself. I was determined to be happy. Now here I am, two years later, driving back to the very place I had left. To the very past I wanted to leave buried. I had fooled myself. Too blinded by childhood fantasies, I shocked myself by not getting my fairy tale ending—no group of loving friends, no prince charming, no stability whatsoever.
As the bus reached the Florida state line early that morning, I pulled out the letter Marcus had wrote me and began to read for the third time……
Gwen,
I debated on whether I should write this letter to you or not. Not because I didn’t want to send word to you, but I always thought love letters were soft. But then I realized I wasn’t exactly a tough man anyway……not since you came into my life. You know, I’ve never loved anyone. I have respect for a select few, but during my short years of life I could honestly say I’ve never loved anyone. Not even my mother. But then I met you and you turned my world upside down. A picture of you would flash through my memory everyday after I saw you at that stoplight singing that Natalie Cole song. I hoped I would see you again and if I did, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you go by me again. I swore that I would keep you forever. I don’t know if you realized just how much power you had over me. I’d been in the drug business ever since I was a child. That, hustling, and carjacking was all I knew how to do. But I’d have left it in a heartbeat if I saw that it was causing me to have to choose between it and you. I WAS leaving it, actually. One of my good friends, Jay Waller, was gonna take it over and I was gonna go away with you.
God, I miss you so much. It kills me that I have to stay here with all these guys and all I really want to do is just be with you. To kiss and hold you again. To watch you smile and hear you laugh. But I know this is no one’s fault but mine. I put myself in this business, knowing it was wrong, just to make quick and easy money. I apologize to you because I know you had put your all into our relationship and I caused it to fall through. I’m sorry. I am so sorry. Nothing can change the outcome of this situation but maybe I can still help you with something. I hope you don’t mind, but I had a friend of mine tap into your bank account and make a deposit for you. There should be $100,000 in there. More than enough for all the surgeries you’d need plus extra. You’re beautiful already but I know how much this means to you and I’d like to help bring your dream a bit more close to reality.
The only thing I ask in return is one thing—forget about me. I’m serving 40 years for my drug involvement and for what I did to Carlos, so it’d be stupid for you to wait for me. It would be selfish of me to want to keep you waiting……even though my mind thinks it. Please, find you someone else. But not just anyone, find a good guy that’s worthy of YOU. All of you. And don’t be afraid of who you are. I grew to love you more when I found out. I saw your inner bravery. I saw your desire. I saw your determination to become the person you knew you were on the inside and I admired that. Your friend Savannah is open about hers, she swears by that philosophy, and so should you. Don’t be afraid, Gwen, because you’re strong. Stronger than what you think. If you don’t believe me, just look back over your life and ask yourself would anyone else endure what you have and still followed through with their desires?
I should stop because if I don’t I’ll write you a novel. Goodluck to you, sweetheart. I love you. Always.
Marcus.
A tear escaped my eyes, running down my cheek, my chin, and finally dropping to the paper I held, smearing the ‘a’ in Marcus’ name. My chest began to ache so much, I could hardly breathe. A familiar tightening formed in my throat and I had to gasp from the pain. I tried to keep my tears at bay for the sake of not alarming the elderly woman sitting next to me because I did this every time I read it, but I just couldn’t help myself. Marcus broke up with me. It’s over between us. Of course I know that with him being in prison, our relationship couldn’t last but…………it’s still tough to hear. I loved that man. I still do. When I met him and we fell in love, I felt that I’d finally done it. I’d finally found a man who I loved more than anything and he loved me the same way. But then it fell through and no amount of money can fill the hole he put in my heart. Am I destined to be alone? Am I supposed to grow old knowing I’m the lonely transsexual who’s cursed to never find true love but spend my years…….i don’t know, raising cats? Am I cursed? For rebelling against my natural order of being a man, I’ve cursed myself to never find love? That has to be the case because my transitioning has come fairly easy, but I keep losing the battle for finding the man of my dreams.
Suddenly I saw a clean, white handkerchief appear before my eyes. I looked up from the letter in my hands to the woman sitting next to me. You know I watch Golden Girls quite often, so she immediately reminded me of Blanche Devareaux.
I took the cloth thankfully and began to wipe my eyes. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, darlin’. It’s a real shame to see such a pretty gal like yourself cryin’ so. It seems every time you pull that letter out, you’re a river of tears. Are you leavin’ your troubles or drivin’ to it?”
“A little bit of both, actually.” I whispered, sniffing.
She touched my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t let life steal your joy, suga’. Just ‘cause thangs ain’t goin’ your way now, don’t mean you can’t change it. You believe in destiny?”
“I’m starting to.”
“Well don’t. You know who’s in control of your future? You are. I was a hellion in my younga years. Everythang morally shameful a young affluent gal could get into, I did times two. I was hardly a candidate for deservin’ a happy endin’. But I did. What I did, was I claimed it and soon I got it. I married a stock broker 50 years ago, had two wonderful children whom we raised in a happy, stable home, and here I am today on my way to Orlando to spend time with my youngest son, his wife, and my four grandchildren.”
I grinned. “You’ve got the happiness I’ve dreamed of having.”
“You can have the same thang, child. But you gotta claim it first, you hear? You know it’s yours so claim it. Then watch as it all unfolds for you.”
“Ladies and gentleman, we have now reached Florida. Our first drop off will be in Roxboro and it will cover the following areas of Aldo, Manesfield, and Parkers Hill. Thanks for traveling Greyhound and have a great day.” The driver called on his intercom as he pulled the large bus to the side of the small Greyhound building.
“Well, that’s me.” I said. “Thank you for your advice and the handkerchief, Mrs.—“
“Rosetta. Everyone calls me, Rosetta.”
“It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Rosetta. I’m Gwen. Thanks again for your encouragement. You’re a very sweet lady.”
“You’re more than welcome, darlin’.” She stood so I could get passed her and into the aisle. “Take care of yourself, hear?”
I smiled. “Yes, M’am.”
Stepping off the bus, I found my luggage the driver had helped unpack for me. Once I and a few other former passengers were unloaded, the bus was put back in DRIVE and we were all left to our own devices. I immediately called for a cab and waited outside the Greyhound building on the bench for my ride to arrive. Twenty minutes later, the yellow car showed up and I was sitting in the backseat heading back to the life I’d once left behind.
***
Parker’s Hill hadn’t changed at all. I mean nothing. Maybe the neighborhood children had grown a few inches and the adults grew one or two gray hairs but nothings different. The same people are still here……….which will make my adjustment back home that much more difficult. Luckily, it was 4:30 in the morning and no one was outside to see who was driving up in a cab.
The driver pulled the cab up to the tan trailer. Judging by the cars and truck parked next to us, I knew everyone was home. “That’ll be $35, miss.” I paid the man, then walked with my luggage to the door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked and waited. There was silence for a while—of course, everyone was sleeping—so I knocked again. That’s when I finally heard movement. The door slowly cracked open, I could see the door chain holding it securely. There peaked out a beautiful face. A heart-shaped, almond eyed, brunette, Florida sun-kissed face. She frowned at me, initially. “Can I help you?”
When I opened my mouth, the words escaped me. Too overwhelmed to form any sentences, I just stood there, staring at her. I know it made her uncomfortable, being that someone she didn’t recognize, knocked on her door at 4:30 in the morning then stood there staring at her like some lunatic. I’d have grabbed father’s rifle by now.
“Do I know you or something? Why are you knocking on my door this early in the morning?” Still nothing. My emotions were getting the best of me and the words just wouldn’t come out. I just stood there, my mouth gaping open and closed like a fish out of water. Too tired and grumpy to put up with my odd mannerisms, she sighed. “Get away from this door.” She moved back to shut the door but she stopped when I said the only thing my mind could muster.
“Mama.”
She pulled the door back open and glared at me. Then she shut the door and I could hear her unlocking the chain from the door. Opening it again, wider this time, she stood in the doorframe, gathering her floor-length yellow robe tightly around her. Now that the door was out the way I could see her fully. She’d slimmed down some in the years I’d been gone and I immediately began to wonder if that was my fault. Textured brown hair, much like mine, was tied loosely behind her, but a few long bangs escaped and curved around her face. She was as beautiful as always.
Mama blinked a number of times to rid the cloud of sleep from her brain. “What did you just say to me? Who are……..” She stopped. Slowly, her hand went to her chest and I could see the confusion she carried go away. Stepping closer to me, she gently placed her hands on my cheeks. Tears welled up in both our eyes. “Junior?” She whispered. I nodded. Before I could even blink, Mama had me in her arms and I grabbed hold of her, clinching her tight by her robe. I could feel her shaking as she literally sobbed.
“My baby, my baby, my baby…” She cried. She held me so snug against her, I began to wonder if she thought she was dreaming. I continued to hold on to her tightly, showing her that she wasn’t dreaming. That I was really here. I was really home. She kissed my forehead then my cheek as she held my face once again. “Look at you.” She said in wonderment.
“Not the same Junior you remember, huh?”
She shook her head. “You look just like me in my pageant days.” She smiled then kissed my forehead again then pushed me inside. “Get in here.” Just as she pulled my bags inside and shut the door behind her, Felicia walked in from the back wearing a thin, cotton nightdress. At some point, she’d cut her hair off into a short but fashionable boy cut. It suited her small frame perfectly. She looked like a pixie.
She spotted mama’s tearful face. “Mama, is everything alright?”
Mama stood beside me and placed her hands on my arms. “It’s more than alright. Guess who this is.”
Felicia frowned, shaking her head. She had no clue, so I walked to her and said, “Hi, sis.”
Gasping, she touched her chest much like mama did. “Oh my God……..Georgie?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, you’re……..you’re a woman. I…..wow.” She checked me out all over. “You’re voice is even higher. I can’t believe it.”
“I’m not too strange looking to get a hug, am I?”
“Of course not.” We embraced and I could tell by the way she held me that she was sincere. “You’re my family. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
When we broke away, Mama spoke up. “Maybe we should all get to bed. We’ll talk more in the morning.” I nodded and followed Mama as she carried my other bag to my old room. “Nothing’s changed in here since you left. I just straightened up a bit because you always had a problem keeping your room clean.” I smiled. “But I knew you’d come back sooner or later.” She kissed my cheek. “Good night, sweetheart. Talk to you in the morning.”
I nodded. “Goodnight.”
***
It was 10 am when mama, Felicia, and I sat in the kitchen having breakfast. Mama had fixed a big helping of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and while we ate, I told them everything that went on in Las Vegas. Some things, I could tell, they didn’t want to hear but I felt it necessary. I wasn’t going to hide what happened to me there because it wasn’t ‘all good’ or ‘perfect’. I had some bad things happen to me and VERY bad things happen to me.
“So is that where these cuts came from?” Mama asked as she touched my cheek, her thumb grazing the split at my lip.
“Yeah.”
“So the Tony guy is dead?”
I nodded. “Savannah went to see Marcus in prison and she told him about me being missing. She told him where I might be and he called up his friend, Jay, to come find me and to…….get rid of Tony. The other guy I told you about, Morgan, he’s still out there somewhere.”
“Did Morgan rape you too?”
“……Yes.” I saw Mama drop her head in her hand. I grabbed her other hand and held it. “Mama, it’s okay—“
She shook her head. “No. No, it’s not. All this time……..All these years, I sat here day after day wondering where you were and if you were alright, and you were getting raped, beaten, and selling your body? You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to put up with that, Junior. You could’ve come home, you know that.”
“Father would’ve never stood for that. He didn’t even know I was transitioning when I left, so he’d have rather took a bat to me than watch me turn into a woman. I’m nervous now about what he’ll do when he wakes up and sees me.”
“Don’t you worry about him. Those days are over. He may run off at the mouth, but he’s not going to lay a finger on you.” I nodded, looking down at my food. “I’m going to take you to the clinic this afternoon to make sure you’re okay. All those dirty men on top of you………” She sighed. “There’s no telling what you could’ve gotten from them.” She looked at me and Felicia. “Y’all finished?” When we nodded, she took both our plates and began to wash them.
“Okay. So tell me more about this last guy, Marcus the Bad Boy.” My sister said to me.
I smiled. “I really didn’t know he was like that until the end. I only saw him act out once in all the time we were together. That was when we were at The House of Blues and we ran into my ex, Carlos. He just picked the man up and slammed him on the table like he was a doll.”
“Wow. That had to be a turn on for you—Marcus protecting your honor like that. So noble.”
“At the time, it wasn’t. I had too much stuff going on in my mind to really notice it like that, but yeah I’d say it could considered a real turn on. Other than that incident though, I didn’t notice a thing. He was very sweet and kind. And funny too. He always kept me laughing.” I reached down to my neck and touched the multi-diamond necklace that hung there. “He gave me this.”
Felicia held the charm in her hand and gazed at it. “Wow, that’s beautiful. And it’s large too. It must’ve cost him a good penny.” She looked at me with a little glint in her eye. “And what did you give him in return?”
My mouth gaped open. “None of your business.”
“Uh huh.”
“Shut up.” We laughed.
“You miss him, don’t you?” She stated. “I can hear it in your voice.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.”
“You have a picture of him?”
“I’m sure I do, but I’ll have to find them.”
Just then Eddie walks out from the back, rubbing his eyes. He’s starting to grow out his ‘cute phase’ and become quite the looker to be just 14. Apparently his growth spurt had hit him as well cause he looked around 5’9”, mine and Felicia’s height. The baby fat was gone and what was left was a lean young man with long dark brown—almost black—hair that was shagged around his face, beautiful brown eyes, and masculine bone structure. Apparently, Eddie’s lip reading skills had improved cause when mama started to speak to him, his eyes went straight to her mouth.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Rest well?”
He shrugged. //As well as can be, considering my feet are hanging off the bed.// Mama chuckled. //You promised I’d get another bed, mama.//
“Yes, you’re getting another bed, love. Your father’s going to pick you up on this weekend. Come here, let me show you something.” Stepping further into the kitchen, Eddie followed his mother to the family room where me and Felicia had moved to watch tv. When he saw me, he immediately flushed a rosy pink in his cheeks, I guess embarrassed cause he was caught by a ‘stranger’ in his black with yellow smiley face boxers and white t-shirt.
//Look familiar?// Mama pointed in my direction. I stood from the couch and walked towards my little brother.
He stared at me for a long time but finally shook his head ‘no’. Surprisingly I still remembered how, considering I hadn’t done it in years. I lifted my hand and signed, //Brother.//
His mouth dropped. //George?// When I nodded, he shook his head in disbelief. Tears coming to his eyes, he stepped away from me, running back into his room.
Not the response I’d expected, but I wasn’t shocked by it. Eddie never knew what was going on with me. I started my transition when I was his age so he was too little to understand anyway. Even when I ran away I only told him I was leaving because of father. That was partially the truth but not the whole the truth. So I understand his shock at seeing me. One day you have a brother, the next a sister.
Mama started after him, but I stopped her. “Let me talk to him.” When she nodded, I walked to into Eddie’s room. He was sitting Indian-style on his bed and he was holding a small framed picture in his hands. I sat down next to him and leaned in to see what picture it was. It was of the both of us. I looked to be about 12 and he must’ve been 6. I was laying belly first across my bed and he was laying on my back, waving for the camera. We both had smiles on our faces—mine more like a cute grin and his showed all his baby teeth. My hair was much shorter then, a bit on the messy side from play wrestling with him no doubt.
//That was a long time ago. I remember you following me everywhere back then.//
//I loved having an older brother. I appreciated you more than I did father. When you left I was devastated. I missed my brother. I missed having you around. And you seemed so happy back then, why did you do this to yourself?//
//I wasn’t happy, Eddie. I hated the way I looked. I hated being a boy. My mind couldn’t………my mind didn’t reflect who I was on the outside. I always knew what I was meant to be and that was to be a woman. But I couldn’t do it here. Not with father around. And you know that. You know father can’t stand my very presence. I had to find a place where I could be free to become who I knew I really was. It’s kind of hard to explain and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth.//
//How’d you get like this? Did you take a pill or something?//
//Shots mostly. Lots and lots of shots.//
//Is that really why you left?//
//Yes. That’s why.//
//So…….does this mean you like guys?//
//Yeah. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends since being away.//
Eddie sighed and looked and the picture again in his hands before he looked back at me again. //Are you happy as a woman?//
I nodded. //I feel like I’m finally being who I am. I’d have been a very depressed man by now if I hadn’t gone through with this.//
//Okay. I can accept that. Just as long as you’re happy.//
//Thank you. I love you, kiddo, and I’ll always be there for you……..I’ll just be offering sisterly advice instead of brotherly.// I smiled when I saw him chuckle. I pulled him to me and hugged him, but I stiffened when I heard a voice coming from the kitchen. A voice that had scared the hell out of me for years. A voice that could turn me into a stammering chicken. My father.
“Who ate all the food?” He asked mama.
More to come....