Walking Delusions

a/n: *creeps in, looks around* So... I'm here apologizing for my lengthy absence. Again, I have forgotten to update this, though it doesn't really appear like anyone's reading, lol.

Anyways, this is the second to last chapter. One more to go after this!
Btw, the chapter title means, roughly, "A Blank Slate". It's a Behavioral Ecology term. And yes, I am a nerd like that. lol

Chapter Twenty-Two: A Tabula Rasa

I am walking, trodding in my dream,
Surrounded by misfortune and death.
It is so vile, selfish and cruel,
this world around me, beneath me, above.
I could rebuild it; I could heal it,
There is but one step to take.
Have I the courage?
Or will the halcyon stay my hand?

My interest in Dainichi's fortress quickly waned when I realized it was only a repetition of the same boring color scheme. Black and dark grey concrete shaped like some old gothic cathedral. If Dainichi was trying to play at being some god, he was off to a great start. I didn't say any of this aloud, just continued to watch Adam and Eve in front of me.

“Master will be pleased,” Adam commented, a hint of glee in his voice as the horses hooves echoed in the long, dark tunnel we had entered. “He will reward us greatly.”

His sister nodded in agreement. “We have succeeded where others have failed. Of course, he will.”

I cocked my head to the side at their enigmatic statements. “What do you mean?”

They traded a glances, a habit that was quickly proving to severely annoy me. “We've been following you since Donnil.” Adam explained. “Or haven't you noticed?”

“How would I have?” I snapped in irritation. “I don't know anything about tracking or fighting.”

Eve shrugged. “The others seemed skilled enough,” she responded, flicking deft fingers through her hair. “After all, they fought off every one of our attackers.”

The sudden coldness that gripped my heart wasn't from fear alone. “That was you?” I demanded, gripping the seat beneath me tight enough cause cramps in my fingers. “All of those different groups attacking us... they were because of you?”

The victory in their expressions was all the answer I needed. A sense of great hatred rushed through me as I recalled all the pain I had suffered, all the pain that my companions had endured for my sake. Fighting the Rajab, fighting the bounty hunters, fighting those soldiers in Rocean... all of it was to be blamed on Dainichi?

I had the feeling that the minute I met this man, this self-proclaimed god, I would want nothing more than to punch him in the face. To pummel him into little bloody pieces for being the cause of everything. And for what purpose? To get his hands on me? On my supposed power? The very thought made me ill.

Stubbornly wrenching my gaze from the both of them lest I fruitlessly attack them, I looked out the window. There was nothing to see save darkness, broken occasionally by the flicker of orange light from a torch. The faint scent of sulfur, stone, and mustiness filtered to my nose. It was a strange mix of odors.

My Jewel, Ixion chose that moment to remind me, his voice a hateful rasp across the back of my mind.

I rolled my eyes. 'I haven't forgotten.'

He snorted. You honestly think this Dainichi is just going to hand it over?

Ixion had a point, but that didn't mean I had any other ideas in mind. It's not like I was a ninja or anything; stealth was not one of my skills. I couldn't escape from Adam and Eve and I couldn't sneak my way around the castle. All that was left was the direct route.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

“Your Master,”I began, pausing to ensure I had their attention before continuing. “Have you ever seen him carrying a small red and blue jewel?”

Eve lifted a brow. “You mean Ixion's Jewel?”

Wow, that was incredibly not subtle. I sighed. “Yes, that.”

“Of course,” Adam replied. “He always has it on his person. He knows better than all of us the power contained within. Ixion was nothing more than a murderer, after all.”

Ixion snickering in the back of my mind was the furthest thing from comforting. As if that were something to be ashamed of. He chortled.

I was glad when the carriage chose that moment to come to a stop with a jerking halt, nearly tossing me from my seat. It was pure luck that kept me from sprawling across the floor like a freaking idiot. Adam smirked, the first to rise from his seat and fling open the curtain across the doorway. He slid out with a fluff of his cloak and turned to offer a hand to his sister.

“Why thank you, Adam, dear,” she practically purred, only further proving to me that something creepy was going on with the two of them. Rather squicky if you asked me.

“Anything for you,” her brother returned, fingers lingering a bit too long as she stepped out of the carriage and onto the street.

I rolled my eyes at their acting, if indeed it was, and scooted forward. Adam turned to me to offer his hand, but I ignored it. I wouldn't need any help getting out of the carriage. He merely shrugged and turned away.

“Suit yourself.” He didn't sound the least bit put out.

I slid from the carriage, feet landing with a faint thud on solid stone that was cool through the thinness of my borrowed sandals. Gazing around me, I couldn't see anything but the same dark tunnel as before, the blackness barely broken by torches.

“I suppose 'doom and gloom' was the flavor of the day,” I snerked, tipping my head back to stare up at the ceiling.

Eve shifted near me, gesturing towards one of the guards who stood at a small tunnel that jutted off the main corridor. “They'll take you to see Dainichi,” she informed me as they stepped forward. “My brother and I have other business to take care of.”

I was glad that I missed whatever glance they exchanged between the two of them. The twins creeped me out and not in an amusing way.

“Don't expect any gratitude,” I said to them, still pissed at how callously they had killed Melath. He and I might not have been getting along in the end but he didn't deserve that kind of end.

Adam waved a dismissive hand. “We care not for your approval,” he responded, thrusting his nose into the air and promptly linking elbows with his sister. “Come, Sis. We've other things to be doing.”

“That we do.” Batting her eyelashes at me in parting, I received a wiggle of fingers before the two flounced away to some unknown location.

I didn't feel I could breathe easy until they were gone. Turning to regard my new guards warily, I noticed they were as absent of distinguishing appearances as they were personalities.

“This way,” one grunted. And that was the extent of the conversation.

I shrugged. There was nothing left to do but follow them into the darkened tunnel which quickly became stairs, spiraling upwards.

I expected to be taken to some extravagantly large throne room. Dainichi believed himself to be some sort of king or god after all. Instead, I was hastily rushed to a small bedroom on the south side of the castle, Dainichi's personal quarters as I had been told. It was a series of rooms, all interconnected, and I was being taken to one of the smaller ones on the side.

Ignoring all efforts to draw me into conversation and assure me, I glared fully at my two guards and simply followed where they led. The corridor was winding, lit in further intervals than all the others, as if Dainichi were inviting darkness. The scent of incense floated to my nostrils, something light and sweet. On the edge of my hearing, I could detect some type of music playing.

It was energetic and smooth, perhaps a piano or something similar. Or was that a flute? It wasn't so much that I was unable to tell the difference between the two, but that the sound blended so effortlessly one was the other. It was somewhat intriguing. Despite my best efforts to remain angry, the music was soothing me.

We climbed a seemingly endless stair as it twirled upwards until we finally came to a rather short hallway. I counted a grand total of five doors. We bypassed the first four, large oaken doors with heavy iron bands on them, and stopped at the last, just like the others. Without bothering to knock, the guard at my right stepped forward and turned the knob, pushing the door open and gesturing that I should enter.

Somewhat wary, I did as I was told. I really had no choice at this point. Besides, I actually wanted to speak with Dainichi. As did Ixion. He stirred in the back of my mind, giving me the impression of a dog sitting on its haunches, wagging its tail as it waited for a treat. He was just as eager as I.

A hand met the center of my upper back and pushed me forward when I didn't move fast enough. I stumbled into the room, one foot catching on the door frame. Regaining my balance, I whipped my head around to glare but was faced with the closing of the door. A quiet snick informed me that it had been locked.

Che. Bastards.

Drawing what little courage and determination I owned, I turned my head back around and took sight of my surroundings. The room was indeed small, about the size of my dorm room at the University. I caught sight of one other door, on the right wall of the room. It probably led to one of the others.

The décor was simple but not of my tastes. Three large windows, tall but not wide, graced the far stone wall, giving me glimpses of the sky and a forest beyond. I didn't even think I could squeeze an arm through the slits, however. There were a few couches scattered around, uncomfortable looking furniture with thin cushions and elegantly styled frames. A large mirror was propped up in one corner, surrounded by a gilded frame carved to resemble leaves. The sound of music playing was louder here as well, almost as if it were coming from within the room.

I didn't see anything that even resembled Dainichi, however. I was the only living soul in the room.

Sucking in a deep breath, I stepped forward onto the thick, plush carpet and poked around the rather sparse room. I hadn't found anything of interest and didn't really expect to. That was when I heard the sound of a knob turning and a door opening. In the same moment, the sound of music had ended. My head whipped towards the unknown door and I found it creaking open.

Backing away to put myself in a better, more defensible position just in case, I warily watched as the door swung all the way open. Then a single form stepped through, closing it behind him and walking elegantly into the room.

My mouth dropped and I froze out of complete and utter surprise.

I towered over him by at least a foot. And as bulky as I was, I seemed obese next to this waif of a boy, all slim lines and pale angles. His skin was so ghostly pale I could see the outline of every vein. Somehow, he managed not to look sickly. His eyes were a very clear and very bright blue but they were blank. It took a moment for me to register that he was blind.

A shock of short dark hair sprouted from his forehead, though it was thin and unruly. He wore very little save for a white robe, belted at the waist, that only seemed to accent his thinness. Even his feet were bare, thin and angular toes gripping at the plushness of the rug beneath him.

Dainichi couldn't have been any older than nine.

“Anne.” He spoke my name, his eyes unfocused but his head turned my exact direction. “How good to finally meet you.”

We stood several feet apart but I somehow felt as if he were already entirely in my space, breathing down my neck and pressing burning fingers into my skin. He had a presence, not frightening, but definitely intimidating. This unassuming child was the one who everyone feared, who was slowly storming his way through Tears.

I watched him warily. “I'm not sure I'm capable of saying the same.”

Thin lips pulled into a smile that for all that I had heard, seemed honest. “I apologize for the methods I used to bring you here, but it was imperative that we meet.” He stepped forward, towards the nearest couch and lowered himself down.

I snorted in response. “And Constance was your way of obtaining my power without having to deal with me.”

He shook his head, a few dark strands waving on his head. “No,” he denied, his voice surprisingly melodious. “Trusting Constance was a mistake. He was corrupted by the idea of power. He wanted more than what I had allowed him.” He gestured towards one of the many couches around him. “Please, have a seat.”

I wondered how he knew I was still standing. Warily watching him, I picked the nearest chair which was still a good distance from the boy god and sat down. It was hard and uncomfortable, but better than remaining on my feet.

“Why do you want my power?” I demanded. “And Ixion demands the return of his.”

He held up his hand, one that I hadn't even realized had been clenched shut. Uncurling his fingers, I caught sight of the sparkle of blue and red. Ixion's Jewel. There it was. Simply sitting in his palm as if it weren't the thing I had been searching after.

“You can have it,” he responded nonchalantly. “I only ask that you allow me to speak. I will explain everything.”

Pretty sure that I could rush Dainichi and take it from him without him doing anything, I was also uncertain as to what guards might be watching. I didn't want to lose this chance. And a part of me was incredibly curious. I wondered what he wanted from me.

Chewing on my lip, I sighed harshly, even as Ixion ranted at my decision. “Tell me,” I insisted, folding my hands into my lap. “Tell me everything.”

He nodded solemnly and turned his head towards one of the windows, as if bathing in the light of the stars that did nothing to illuminate the room. “I am an anomaly in this game,” he began, voice taking on that of storytelling. “An anomaly with eyes for the future. A paltry compensation for the loss of my present sight.”

I tilted my head to the side, mulling over his words. It almost sounded as if he thought he were prescient, that he could tell the future. If he did, then it would explain much. But I didn't think such a thing were actually possible. Ironic, given my current circumstance, that I would still hold some measure of disbelief in anything.

“Yes, I do have prescient sight,” Dainichi suddenly confirmed as if hearing my inner thoughts. “It was how I knew you were coming, barring the prophecy. I know who you are, Anne.”

I had figured as much.

“And who am I?” I bit out, feeling off balance by his calm demeanor. Ixion was shifting in my mind, grumbling under his breath. He was restless, eager to be freed. I was hesitant, however. I wanted to understand.

Dainichi smiled again, a slow slide of his lips that made him seem younger and more innocent. “A goddess, a natural born deity.”

“Like you?”

He shook his head, eyelids briefly fluttering over his empty orbs. “I am what they have made me. But you, you are what a true god has made you. In this terrible game we are all trapped in.”

I started forward, uncertain where I was going, before shoving myself back into my seat, clinging to the arms of my chair. “Game,” I repeated in a dead tone, having slowly begun to suspect as much. “Why is this a game?”

He gestured around him, towards the window and the land beyond. “You've surely recognized it. Your world. Your dreams. The life you thought you wanted to live-- it was created and shaped from your desires.” He paused, one slim-fingered hand unconsciously smoothing down the folds of his pale robe. “Even Vincent.”

Something froze inside of me, the answers that were so close to my grasp. I stared in wonder at this child who seemed to know everything. “What about him?”

“He was beautiful, wasn't he?” the boy questioned rhetorically, almost as if he wished he could have seen the man for himself. “Everything you always wanted. That intense stare... he was meant to be yours. Like this world, created for you alone. There's a curse, you know.”

Melath had said as much. My dream had hinted to it. But no one could explain it. The unfairness of it all was crashing around me. How could Dainichi know so much? Even for being prescient, this seemed a bit much.

I stayed silent, hoping he would explain the curse on his own. He did not disappoint.

“From the moment time was wrought, until the day our goddess descends, in each lifetime, Vincent will be chosen.” He said the man's name as if it belonged to an object, or something similar rather than being the identification for a living human. “His only purpose will be to love her, it will be his only desire.”

Pale fingers plucked incessantly at his garments, as if they itched his skin. I was nearly entranced by his voice. “This Vincent was doubly cursed. Born a half-breed and then struck with your symbol. From the moment of his birth he had been cast aside, doomed to forever carry that name.”

I understood Melath in that moment, everything he had accused me of. No wonder Vincent had been unable to resist, no wonder he had hated me. From the second I appeared in his life, he must have known who I was. He had probably lived hoping he would never be forced to actually meet me, that he would die before having to fulfill his duty to a goddess he didn't want to care about.

I felt sick on the inside, nausea coiling in my belly. Vincent hadn't ever truly wanted me. And if Dainichi's words were true, neither had Melath. I had shown interest first; I had wanted their attentions in the beginning. Melath had been beautiful; I had wanted a taste of that. In my own way, I had basically coerced them into becoming my lovers.

“Don't blame yourself,” Dainichi suddenly said gently, trying to soothe my rampant shame. “You could not have known.”

“And that's supposed to make me feel better?” I spat, curling my hands into fists. “I raped those men. There's no other way to put it.”

He turned that sightless gaze towards me, somehow managing to give off the effect of looking at me. “You were trapped, as much as they, victims of a higher power's foolish games.”

I jerked my eyes towards him. “Explain it,” I demanded, my words coming out harsher than I intended as my shame began to meld with anger. I felt a subtle shudder but assumed that it came from my shaking limbs. “Tell me what you mean.”

“You know you have the power to change everything,” he began, rising to his feet and walking to the window with such sure movements I was again having trouble believing h was truly blind. “I have seen it all, what you are capable of, what you have been given.”

I chewed on my bottom lip, wondering if that bitter taste was my own blood. “I have been told as much. That doesn't really answer my question.”

“Gods play games. They have their pawns. An eternity is a long time to live, I suppose,” he answered enigmatically, fingers tracing the outline of the stone.

I noticed, in that instant, that he had left Ixion's Jewel behind on the couch, sitting on the cushion. He was giving me the opportunity to take it, if I desired, that bastard. It was as if he knew I craved the answers more than my escape. How manipulative. He was pretty damned scheming, for a little brat.

Regardless, I had lost my understanding of what he was talking about. I understood that he was talking about gods and games, that it was basically someone else's will that brought me here. That it was someone else's blame, not that I could give up my guilt that easily. Either way, it still didn't explain what he wanted from me.

“All right,” I said, rising to my feet and approaching him carefully, keeping one eye on the jewel as I stood beside him at the window. “But that still doesn't explain what you want from me.”

He turned, tilting his head back towards me. “I would have thought it were obvious.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know you want my power, which I'm not even certain I have by the way, but you haven't said how you want it.”

“Point,” he conceded, blinking slowly. He dropped both arms, clasping them behind his back. “It's quite simple really. I want you to destroy Tears.”

My jaw dropped and all I could do was stare at him. He looked at me, utterly guileless, voice entirely deadpan. He stated that fact as if he was asking me to conjure breakfast out of thin air.

Struggling to catch my breath, I felt as if the world had suddenly been dropped out from beneath me. “Im sorry,” I gasped. “But could you repeat that.”

“I know you heard me,” he said in that soft voice. I wondered if he ever became angry. “I want you to use your power to destroy Tears. That is what the prophecy calls for, to create or to destroy. I'm in favor of destruction.”

I couldn't understand. “But why?”

“Do you honestly need me to tell you?”

“Yes!” I hissed, fingers clenching into angered fists. “You live here! If I did that, you would die, too! Everything would be destroyed. I can't just... destroy everything.”

He turned away from me, robes swishing across the carpet and unperturbed by my anger. I was left staring at the back of his head. “After everything you have suffered and seen, you can frankly tell me that there is nothing wrong in Tears? After what Constance put you through?”

“That was your fault.”

Dainichi shrugged; it was far from nonchalant. “That doesn't detract from my point. Most of those circumstances were not my doing. For instance, I did not burn down Donnil. I am not responsible for Ivory's childhood or for Ryou's excommunication from the order. I am not the one to blame for Melath's exile nor Vincent's ostracism. These were all caused by the circumstances of this world.”

“Shit happens,” I stated bluntly, my own anger and confusion beginning to cause a maddening swirl inside of me. My gut clenched, causing my vision to momentarily blur. “That's not enough for me to want to get rid of everything, even if I agree with what you say.”

I watched the lines of his back stiffen briefly before loosening again. “You can rebuild it,” he insisted hopefully. “You can make it anew.”

“What? Me fucking it up the first time wasn't enough?”

After all that the pain I had caused them, could I honestly just clear it all away? It seemed so simple. Would that absolve my guilt? To smash the world and pretend as if all of it had never happened? That no blood had been shed or tears cried or pain suffered? It seemed so wrong and yet, a part of me was under the impression that it was the only right thing I had heard.

He looked at me over his shoulder, eyes filled with emotion. “I believe in a new world. From all that I have witnessed, there can be no other alternative.”

Despite myself, a part of me was actually starting to listen to him. It was my world after all, my right to do as I wished. Like God and Noah's Ark out of the bible. He wanted to rid the world of the mistakes he had made and start over, why couldn't I? My heart started to race as I considered and it was then that I again felt a tremor race through my feet, as if the castle was shaking around me.

Was Nyorai randomly prone to earthquakes?

I didn't have any time to ponder on that random thought, however, Dainichi's words striking something inside of me. I was beginning to understand, to believe in what he was suggesting.

But if I was do as he asked, I would be killing countless people, wiping away their future. I would be destroying a past as well, but what about those who had suffered to overcome, their sacrifice? I thought of Melath and the others. I thought of Ivory's hatred and Ryou's love.

Then again, if this was a dream, that what did it really matter? No one was made of reality; I would be hurting nothing. Only in my delusions would I believe that I had done something terrible. The chance to take out my frustration on my nightmare was intriguing indeed.

Destroy it all. Start over. Begin again. How many actually got that chance in life?

In front of me, Dainichi walked over to his earlier abandoned seat and plucked Ixion's Jewel from the cushion, cupping it in one of his hands. “Can't you see how vile it has become?” he asked softly, turning back towards me. “How poisoned? Tears is staying true to its name, its people shedding nothing but regret.”

He didn't sound like a child by the way he spoke. He was older than his years somehow. Older than even me possibly. I wondered what he could see with those eyes that only saw the future, that could only see the colors of what would be rather than what already was. I wondered what it was like to constantly live in something that hadn't yet occurred, to never enjoy his life as it was happening.

I shook my head, my breath suddenly feeling faint. “I can but...”

He looked up at me, nearly craning his head as he urged the jewel towards me, the sapphire stone catching the light from the torches and glinting invitingly. “This world needs to be reborn,” he whispered hopefully. “Only you can do it.”

Despite my better judgment, I accepted Ixion's power, carefully plucking it from his hold. It pulsed faintly in my grasp, warming instantly, as if happy to return to me. Perhaps it sensed its true master.

Within my mind, Ixion chuckled with glee. I'm rather partial to the whole destroy everything myself, he commented, his words accompanied by the sound of him noisily smacking his lips. I say you should do as he says.

'Well, no one asked you,' I retorted inwardly, refusing to allow him to grasp his power just yet. I hadn't made my decision, hinging between the two.

“Do you not care?” Dainichi proposed, his fingers lingering against my palm before he drew back. “These creatures have degraded your creation. They have sullied what you worked long hours to design. There's nothing left for them but to wipe the slate clean and start over. Begin again.”

He made it sound so simple. Burn it all down. Make it vanish, become ash. Vanish into obscurity. He was basically asking that I destroy everything, even himself. There was no trace of fear in his face, nor resignation. Only hope. He hoped that I would destroy it all. How insane was that?

The ground gave a vicious rumble and heaved, but somehow, I remained on my feet as if unaffected by the rolling of the earth. The torches flickered, though I felt no breeze, casting strange shadows on the grainy walls. Dainichi remained unmoved by it all.

He deigned to speak, reaching forward and pressing his palm to my belly. I was too stunned to move away, wondering why his hand was patting me.

“Or perhaps,” he began slowly, cocking his head to the side. “Perhaps the child you carry here. Perhaps you want her to inherit the throne? Inherit your duties?”

I chocked. “What? Child?” I stammered, taking an unconscious step backwards away from his prying touch. “She?”

He withdrew his hand and looked up at me. “Yes, your daughter.”

Pregnant? I was pregnant? When the fuck had that happened? Melath had said he was barren! And then it hit me. Vincent. I had fucked Vincent that night in the forest with no assurances of contraception. That had to have been it. Before my mad dash into Tears, I hadn't had anyone touch me in over a year. Either that or Constance raped me.

Which would you rather? Ixion sneered.

'You know?' I demanded. 'Do you know who the father is?'

He shifted around in my mind, sounding lazily now that I had his gem in my hand. I might.

“Tell me,” I snarled, not realizing I had said it aloud until I heard my voice echo around me. Fuck it, I kept speaking aloud. “Tell me, goddammit, or I'll break this jewel and leave you trapped.”

He glared at me in my mind and I felt a shiver of fear, but I was serious. Vincent, the bastard growled dangerously. Your favorite assassin's the father. Satisfied?

Satisfied? That was the furthest thing. I was pregnant! And by Vincent! My head started spinning with this revelation. And if I did not make the choice, it would be given to her! A daughter? Dainichi knew I was going to have a daughter? He could already see her future, she was more than a couple of cells to me. All thoughts of abortion vanished. It would have been easier if I had never known.

“I have a daughter,” I whispered.

Dainichi cleared his throat. “Don't let that knowledge sway you. The choice must still be made.”

Even with that knowledge, I knew how my heart was leaning still. I was considering it; perhaps that was the most frightening part of it all. I had never been the type for murder or destruction, wanting death and blood. Yet, inside, I was honestly considering Dainichi's point.

This world was rotten, entirely to the core. Just like Earth, there was little left in it worth saving. Slavery. Corrupt priests. Racism. Poverty. Murderers and rapists running rampant. The Visnay.

Obviously, the Great One had meant for me to do something, he had believed that I would be able to fix what ailed Tears. But perhaps there was no fixing it, maybe there was no way to save the already doomed world. It might have been better to end it all, end the suffering and the madness.

Gods help me, I was considering it.

Something flashed outside the window, like a star falling, but I only barely noticed it. Another torch flickered, then went out, bathing half the room in creeping shadows. The ground rumbled and tossed, the couch next to me suddenly throbbing and changing. I gaped, even as my heart thudded loudly in my chest, threatening to escape from its bone cage.

“What... what's going on?” I breathed, staring around me at the strangeness.

The stone was dissolving and merging, changing from darkness to light, to pure marble. The carpet beneath my feet was bleeding a new color, the furniture changing to something more elegant and comfortable. Dainichi remained at my side, staring up at me. Ixion's Jewel burned hotly in my hand.

Several crashes were audible to my ears. I heard the faint sound of cursing. Beyond the window, it looked as if a storm was gathering, thick and heavy clouds clogging up in the sky. There was a distant rumble, a faint flash as of lightning.

A small, triumphant smile curled Dainichi's lips. “It's happening,” he breathed, sounding reverent. “It is your power, Anne. You have finally accepted it.”

There had been no moment of revelation, no light shining down. Angels had not sung, I had not felt relieved. But from one millisecond to the next, I believed. I understood. He was right. I had a choice to make. This was my purpose. To end this game. To end the pain I had wrought in my foolishness.

A wall fell, revealing a plain expanse of open sea and whistling fields beyond it. Logically, there should have been city and more castle on the other side, but it had vanished, flattening downwards in a huge rumble. A wind stirred, kicking up violently. It threw my hair into my face.

I felt Dainichi's hand on mine, pressing Ixion's Jewel more firmly into my flesh. It was glowing softly, an almost crimson luminescence. The boy looked pleased and relieved, as if he should be thanking me.

The castle was crumbling around us and Dainichi was grateful. “You agree with me. I know you do. Just say it in your heart. Destroy this place.”

Still, I balked.

In my mind, the logical and rational part of my brain, I could agree that it was vile. I could see with my eyes that it was broken and poisoned, needing to be cleansed and reborn. My hands understood, the scars on my body pulsed with comprehension. The taste of blood on my lips and the memory of it surrounding me was all the proof I needed, the feel of vomit spilling from my lips.

Yet, my heart spoke something different. My heart spoke of optimism. Things were terrible now, but they could be better. Things could always get better given the chance. How could I take that choice away? How could I deny those that had suffered the chance to see the end of it?

That foolish and traitorous organ sought to remind me of Ryou, who had endured much but still believed. Even after I had ground his feelings into dust, he still hoped. It reminded me of Melath and Vincent, like bitter icebergs to the world but still determined to love one another in their own way. It remembered Ivory, in love with Ryou to the end but never brave enough to admit it.

I was torn.

I wanted to destroy, but I wanted to save. I didn't want to kill, but everything needed to be wiped away. It was vile, but it was trying.

The castle was collapsing around me and Dainichi kept encouraging me. I no longer heard his voice. Ixion was laughing in my mind, cackling at me furiously. He was encouraging, all the while reaching for his power which still pulsed, waiting to return to its master. He longed for destruction and bloodbaths again, the very reason he had been cursed and exiled in the first place. I blocked him from my mind as well.

How could I make this sort of decision?

It is a hope, a destiny, a chance to live again.

I'm not the kind person you think I am, Ryou.

That conversation flowed to the forefront of my mind.

I think, Miss Anne, that you are kinder than you give yourself credit.

I wanted to believe so desperately that it were true.

For Love, Tears was born. For love, Tears was chosen.

Cursed by your very existence! Chosen before he was even born to be yours despite what he finds along the way. Cursed to wait for an entity that might never appear.

I only wanted to love you.

My eyes became wet without my permission as tears began to gather at the corner. My hands were shaking, knees trembling. I didn't know what to do.

The words echoed around me, all the things that had been said to me and all the things I remembered.

I took a breath, closing my eyes against the madness cropping up around me. I blocked out everything, even the sound of my own desperate panting. The feeling of Ixion's Jewel burning my skin and searing my flesh. Dainichi's hopeful glances. Ixion's laughter.

There was nothing inside of me but darkness, an ever falling abyss.

To destroy or to save.

To die or to live.

It was up to me, my hands, my wishes.

The world crumbled on the brink of my choice. Somewhere, I might have heard someone yell my name, but it sounded so far away. Too far for me to grasp. I grimaced and sobbed, the pain clenching my heart. And then, I abruptly let go.

I made my decision.

*****

a/n: Only the epilogue to go! If you're still reading out there, I'm glad to hear it! I just want to know that someone enjoyed this little fic.

Thanks everyone!