Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Words can't express how sorry I am for not updating ANYTHING in ages. I'll just blame it on school and my lack of energy to write. Now that the semester is ending, I hope I can get back on track. My bad, y'all.

A little tidbit: You might want to skim through the previous chapter just to get a feel of what's going on again.

--Scribbles

Chapter XX

Pictures danced through my head all evening. Remnants of the Marcus I DO know……..and the Marcus I just found out about. I think back to the picture Detective Jenner showed me of us in the ice-cream shoppe. It was such a fun day—we laughed, we joked together, we talked. Some days that I had to work at the diner, he would stop in and check on how I was doing, sometimes even taking me out for a lunch break. Slim adored him and once meeting him, there was no way you could not like him……..That’s why I wonder where this other Marcus came from. But now that I think about it, there were signs—namely the incident at the House of Blues. His actions that night were definitely foreign to me, but obviously not to Marcus. Such anger in his already heavy voice, the tension I felt in his shoulders when I went to pull him off Carlos……and Carlos. The picture of the crime scene of his death was beyond gruesome. Blood everywhere, the swollen face, the body laying haphazardly on the dirt ground……Should I be scared of Marcus now? Would he act that way towards me? No. No, he wouldn’t do that. We love each other. He cares for me. I really should stop thinking about this now cause in less than 24 hours, I won’t have him in my life anymore. I should remember the Marcus I know and focus on spending as much time with him tonight as possible……

I felt a light nudge to my side. “Hey.” Blinking, I turned to my left and spotted Marcus looking at me, curious.

“Huh?”

“You alright? You looked like you zoned out there for a minute.”

“Oh no, no. I’m fine.”

“Actually, you’ve been kinda off since I went to your place and picked you up. Are you sure, you’re okay? I can turn this movie off and we could just go lie down on the bed or something…”

We were sitting together on the couch, watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3 on dvd. I’ve always been a big advocate of watching Johnny Depp as often as possible, but frankly, problems at home was ruining my focus and I guess my actions were pretty obvious to Marcus. “No, I’m fine, Marcus. Really. I wanna watch the rest of the movie.” He nodded and I slid closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his chest.

Trying to concentrate was an understatement. Honestly, WHO can concentrate on a movie when the fucking man who has stolen your heart is going to prison?! For a long time! No more quiet nights with him, no dinner dates, no more cuddling, kissing, or sex! Did I get the luck of the draw or what? I finally find a man that’s understanding and loves me for who I am—no secrets—and I lose him. Is this the reaping of the seeds I’ve sewn in my life? For becoming a woman? That I can find love but I’ll never keep it? This is so fucking unfair! Just as the scene comes in the movie where Will gets stabbed and dies, tears start to roll down my face. So absorbed in the film, Marcus didn’t notice my crying until I sobbed.

“Baby?” he moved me off him and looked me in the face. “You crying?”

I shook my head, quickly wiping my eyes. “It’s the movie. Will died and it shocked me. I’ma go to the bathroom.” Getting up, I walked around a confused Marcus, still sitting on the couch, and I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I stood staring at myself in the mirror—my eyes were starting to turn red. “Get it together, Gwen.” After splashing cold water on my face a number of times, I grabbed a hand towel and dried myself. That’s when I heard the knock on the door. I opened it, plastering a smile on my face.

“You okay?” My lover asked.

“I swear, if you ask me that one more time—“

“Well, you’re zoning off at times, acting strange since I picked you up this afternoon, crying randomly—“

“I was crying cause of the movie, Marcus. I cry watching movies, you know that.”

He sighed then scratched his head. “Yeah. Okay. You’ve just been having me kinda nervous is all.”

I grabbed his face and kissed him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

He smiled back at me. I was always attracted to his smile—such pretty teeth. “Come on, I’ve been waiting to do this all night.” Taking my hand, Marcus pulled me to the bedroom where he stood behind me, peeled off all my clothing, and laid me stomach first on the bed.

“Marcus, what is this?”

He smiled as he walked to his dresser and grabbed a bottle of oil. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was KY Touch 2 in 1. You know, that stuff that doubles as massage oil. Hm. “Well, this is massage time. I wanna give you a nice rub down tonight and if it goes as well as I hope it does, we could make it a regular thing between us.”

This is crazy. I can’t keep hiding this from him. He’s making future plans for us that will never happen. I gotta tell him. “Marcus, I—“

He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. “No talking. I want you to relax.”

“But I—“

“No talking, babe.” He repeated. I stayed silent. He wasn’t trying to hear me out.

He removed his shoes and socks then sat only in jeans on the side of the bed, next to me. I heard the top pop to the oil then moments later the warm feel of his lubricated hands massaging my shoulders. The oil started giving off this tingling sensation and I sighed at how good it felt. Marcus brought his hands down my back, stroking the oil firmly into my skin, down to my ass. I noticed he spent extra time there, but I didn’t mind. He kissed a cheek. “Such a cute, plump, ass.”

“I know.” I murmured back but gasped when he spanked me. “Asshole.” He just chuckled.

Marcus continued his massage down my legs, giving equal attention to both, but managed to make his way back to my ass. I felt a finger slide in-between my cheeks and graze my opening gently before pushing inside.

“Ahhhh.” I moaned as he started pumping.

“Does that feel good?”

“Yeeeaaaah.”

“Lets see if you like this too then.” With one hand busy, Marcus used his other hand to reach between my front and the mattress, grabbing my privates. He immediately started massaging it too.

I grabbed the sheets. “Fuck!” Marcus just laughed.

What was actually long minutes of slow ecstasy, seemed only seconds to me and I whimpered and wiggled once Marcus pulled away. “I’m coming, baby. Hold on.” Reaching for the drawer in his nightstand, he grabbed a condom. I didn’t move. I kept my eyes closed the entire time, but I heard the rustling of his jeans, the condom wrapper being ripped open, the snapping sound of it enclosing his dick, the sound of oil being rubbed on it….My anticipation goes without saying.

Sucking on my neck, Marcus pushed inside me and we made love for what seemed like forever. And forever was what I wanted. To see his face forever. To feel his arms around me forever. To taste his kisses forever. But it’s not gonna happen. It’s not gonna happen.

My time with him was slowly counting down and I wanted to be as close to him as possible. Reaching back my hand, I pushed Marcus away and he looked a bit confused until he saw me turn onto my back and grab him again. “Was I crushing you?”

“No. I just want to see your face.” I replied, kissing him as he entered me once again.

***

His head was rested next to mine as I watched him sleep. After the phenomenal sex we had, we both showered and returned to his bed to rest. He dozed off immediately, holding me in his arms and kissing me goodnight. I trailed my fingers over every detail of his face, already missing the feel of his soft skin and stubbly cheeks.

***

I checked the time. 10:50. 10 minutes til Marcus’ life would be changed forever. And he hadn’t a clue. I watch him now, washing the remainder of dishes after fixing breakfast for the both of us. Then I thought I needed to try to tell him again. He deserves to know whats going to happen to him. I need to tell him and I’ve only got 10 minutes to do it in.

“Marcus?”

He started to towel dry the last plate. “Yeah?”

“There’s something I need to ask you.”

Setting the plate on the rack with the others, Marcus tossed the towel on the counter and sat at the kitchen table next to me. “What’s up?”

No time to pause now, Gwen. Now I’ve got less than 10 minutes. “Are you a drug dealer?” I noticed him suddenly sit back in his chair.

“What?”

“You are, aren’t you?”

“Why would you—“

“There’s no need to lie to me. I’ve already been told everything about you.” I started to get choked up. “About Carlos too……..How you killed him.”

Marcus scratched his head. “Who told you this?”

“Why? You gonna kill THEM too?”

“Gwen, you did NOT need to know about this…”

Tears began to fall freely down my face. “How did you expect to keep this from me?! You’re a fucking drug lord, Marcus! You know how many lives you have corrupted doing this?! How many families have broken up cause of your products!”

“Like I told you before, I’m doing the only thing I know how to do. What I’m good at.”

“And that makes poisoning people okay?! That’s crap, Marcus! You kill people! And who knows who is trying to kill YOU! What would I do if you were dead?!”

He grabbed my cheek with one strong hand and I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. “Baby, no ones trying to kill me. They know better than to try that.”

“But you fled Miami…”

“Because I got big-headed. Showing off my earnings. I’m being less conspicuous here. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you.”

I touched his cheek in turn and looked him dead in his eyes. “Are you really sure about that?” He frowned at the question, getting hints that there was an underlying meaning behind it. His suspicions were soon answered when the front door burst open. A mass of bullet-proof vest wearing detectives and police charged in, pointing guns in our direction. Detective Jenner stepped out in front, his gun pointed at Marcus.

Surprisingly, I saw a small smirk come across my lover’s face. “Detective Jenner. Long time no see. You know that was a very expensive door you just kicked in. Which one of your bitches behind you should I mail my bill to?”

“The party is over, Corel. I’ve finally got you this time and your ass will never see freedom again. Stand up and put your hands on your head…..slowly.”

“Skip the small talk, huh? Okay. I’ll play along.” Standing up, Marcus turned away from the detective and placed his hands above his head. As Jenner began to pat him down, he continued to speak. “So what lie did you tell my girl, eh Jenner? You tell her to cooperate with you or she’d get sent to prison? To keep my ass here til morning or you’d tell the judge she was an accomplice? To not tell me she knew the truth about me? You’re a class A dick, you know that?”

The detective looked him in the face with a smile. “Whatever I needed to say to get you behind bars.” He continued to place handcuffs on his wrists.

“Fuck you, Jenner. I may be behind bars, but you’ll never live to celebrate it. One phone call from me and I’ll have you dead by the end of the month.”

“Always gotta have the last word, don’t you, Corel? We’ll see if you have any thing to say to the judge after we fly you back to Miami. Officer Kelly, take him out of here.”

Just as the police officer was about to walk to Marcus, he spoke up, “Wait a minute. Give me a minute with her.” He nodded his head in my direction.

“Look, we don’t have time to—“

“You’ve been waiting years to get me, Jenner, you can sure as hell wait one more minute.”

The detective sighed. “Fine. One minute. Kelly, watch the door. Team, split up and search the house. Five bucks goes to the first person who finds Corel’s getaway money.”

As they walked away, I looked back at Marcus. “Come’ere.” He said. Standing from my chair, I stood in front of him, my eyes misty and downcast.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“For not telling you sooner. Had you known about it earlier, you could’ve had a chance to get away from here and—“

“And where would that leave you? You’d be in trouble with the Feds. You’d be involved in this and that’s what I tried so hard not to let happen to you.”

I nodded. Wrapping my arms tightly around Marcus, I tried to press myself as close to him as possible. “Had this not happened…………would we have made it together?”

“Yes.”

“Given what you do?”

“Yes. I love you, Gwen. I’d do anything to keep us together. I’d even go as far as quitting the drug business…”

“You’d quit……for me?”

“I was going to quit for you. I gave myself another year to get things situated here and to find a nice place for us to live together.”

“Just us?”

“Just us.”

“That would’ve been so nice.” I reached for his face and kissed him with all the passion I could muster. “I love you, Marcus. I always will.”

“I love you too. Always.”

“Lets go, Corel.” Jenner spoke. With a goodbye kiss to my forehead, Marcus let Officer Kelly take him to the patrol car. And just like that, he was gone. Tears came to my eyes and I could barely see the beaten down door he walked out of. “Miss Pillman.” The detective tapped my shoulder. “Is there someone we can call to pick you up?” I couldn’t take my eyes away from that door. Call me stupid, but I half expected for Marcus to come walking back through the door to whisk me away so we could spend the rest of our lives together. It was all fantasy, of course. Marcus and I were over. The love of my life was out of my life for good. I blinked slowly and the tears ran freely down my face.

***

“Are you sure you’re okay, Gwenie-poo?” Savannah asked me as I walked back into my apartment. I just nodded. “Well, I’m staying in today, so if you need me for anything. I’m next door.”

I hugged my best friend. You really can’t get any better than her. “Okay. Thank you, Savannah. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“We’re our own family here, Gwenie. We gotta look out for each other.” She backed away and walked to the door. “Get some rest, huh?”

“Okay.” Once she left, I decided to heed her advice and get some rest, but I wanted to shower and change into some more leisurely clothes instead. Removing my clothes, I hopped in the shower and set it on hell heat. Somehow I thought the feel of the scalding water would draw my attention away from the day’s events. It hardly worked.

Once clean, I took my daily dose of estrogen then slipped into a gray cotton nightdress, sat down in front of the small vanity in my room, and proceeded to comb through my hair. I was watching myself in the mirror, but soon my eyes focused on the jewelry box on the dresser top. The box was closed—it’s little golden latch flipped down securely—but a single piece of jewelry was lying on top of it—my necklace Marcus gave me. Setting the comb down, I grabbed the multi-diamond necklace and looked at it, tears coming once again to my eyes. I cried before the cops came for Marcus, cried after the cops came for Marcus, and cried all the way home in Savannah’s car……will this empty heartache every heal? Of course there will be some that will say, “Of course, honey. You’ll heal. You’ll move on.” Damn it, I didn’t WANT to move on. I was happy with who I was with. As far as I’m concerned, I was done looking for “the man of my dreams”. That’s my angry thinking now. But of course I know too that if I keep thinking this way, I’ll never truly heal. Hopefully, someday I will………but with the pain I have in my heart right now, I don’t think the healing will come anytime soon.

The sound of the phone ringing brought me out of my pity party. Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed the cordless and answered. “Hello?”

“Good afternoon, lovely.”

I groaned at the familiar, yet unwanted voice. “Tony.”

“Did you enjoy the little fireworks I made for you the other day?” He asked, referring to setting Slim’s Diner on fire.

“I knew it was you. You’ll pay for what you did to Slim’s place.”

He started to laugh. “What are you gonna do? Tell the police? It’ll be your word against mine. You don’t even have proof that I did it.”

“I could still try. Slim is my friend. He’s been like a father to me. He didn’t deserve to lose his diner like he did.”

“You think I give a fuck about Slim? It’s you that I want, lovely. Slim could’ve kept his little hole in the wall, had you only cooperated with me from the beginning and returned to the hotel like the good little slut you are.”

My anger began to boil. “Leave me alone, Tony!”

“I’m not worried though.” He continued. “You’ll eventually come around. Wanna know how I know this? Cause I’m gonna make your life hell until you do. You’ll never get peace as long as I’M still breathing, you understand?”

“Shut up.”

“No, no…….an idea just popped into my head. I’ve got plans for you, lovely. Big plans…”

I threw the phone into the wall, cracking the plastic into pieces.


More to come...