Why Bother?

“I know that you’re just trying to help,” Joanne said to her roommate as she hung up the phone. “But please stop trying to set me up on blind dates.”

“It’s not a blind date if you’ve already met him,” Laurie replied with a roll of her eyes. “You met Mike. You even said he was cute. And he was drooling all over himself when he met you.”

“Well, that’s a big turn on in a man,” Joanne told her dryly. “Seriously, though, stop. I’m fine, really. I will find my own dates, thanks.”

Kneeling on her bed and pulling a big frilly white pillow into her lap, Laurie looked at her roommate curiously. “No, seriously, Jo,” she said, her brow furrowing. “When’s the last time you got laid?”

“Oh, good lord,” Joanne replied huffily. “Not everyone goes to college for frat parties and orgies, for your information.” Leaning back in her own bed, Joanne picked up the book she had been reading before the phone had rung. “Laurie, I appreciate your concern, but just let it go. I’ll date when I’m ready.”

Knowing that Laurie was still staring at her questioningly, Joanne pretended to read her book. In truth, she was wondering why she had turned down the date with Mike. When she had met him a couple weeks earlier, he had seemed attractive, intelligent and witty. But when she heard the words, “So, would you like to get together for coffee or something?” Joanne had frozen.

The answer was obvious, though. Why bother? Joanne had already had the perfect relationship, and look how that had turned out. Why bother dating right now, when there were important things like school and the future to focus on? Working hard had given Joanne an opportunity for a very bright future. Much brighter, she thought wryly, than all the girls she knew who went gallivanting with whatever boy paid attention to them that week.

“I’ve been roommates with you for the last three semesters,” Laurie interrupted Joanne’s thoughts. “You’ve been on, like, four dates in that whole time. And all of those consisted of, like, dinner and a movie, and then back to the dorm.” She looked at Joanne with concern. “Really, Jo, don’t you think it’s time to move on from high school heartbreak and start seeing someone – anyone?”

“There’s no way you would understand,” Joanne replied through clenched teeth. “So just take a hint and drop it.”

“Fine,” Laurie replied, sinking back into her own bed and picking up her headphones. “I’m just trying to help. Sorry I made the mistake of thinking we were friends.”

Sighing deeply, Joanne looked at Laurie. “I’m sorry,” she told her. “That wasn’t fair of me. Look, I appreciate that you want me to be happy, but right now, being with a guy is the last thing that would do that.”

Giving Joanne a small smile, Laurie nodded her head. “Okay, apology accepted.” She pursed her lips. “I guess I just don’t get it. You’re probably one of the prettiest girls on this whole campus, but you won’t go out with anyone who asks you.” Her eyes got wide as she thought of something. “Wait, are you gay?”

It was Joanne’s turn to roll her eyes. “Geez, Laurie. No, I’m not.” She shook her head and chuckled a little. “Wouldn’t that make things easier, though?” she laughed.

Smiling at her roommate, Laurie nodded. “You’d have no problems then,” she told her. “Girls who make out with other girls are the ones who get the most attention at parties,” she laughed.

Joanne looked at Laurie, trying to figure her out. As different as they were, she actually did like her roommate; Laurie was funny and sarcastic. She also cared about other people’s happiness, while always being the first up to have a good time. Actually, in a lot of ways, Laurie reminded Joanne of Eve.

I am not thinking about this, Joanne told herself. She had spent half her senior year of high school, along with her entire freshman year of college dwelling on Eve. God, she missed her. But as her therapist had said, dwelling on Eve wasn’t going to bring her back.

“Just trust me,” Joanne asked Laurie softly. “When I’m ready to whore myself out, I promise to let you be my pimp.”

Laurie laughed out loud. “Okay, but I get fifteen percent,” she giggled.

Right then, Joanne felt very lucky to have Laurie as a roommate. There were plenty of people in school that she could have gotten stuck with – ditzy girls, girls that thought they were better than her, girls that tried to rule her life. But like Eve, Laurie seemed happy to accept her differences with Joanne and just go with it.

-----

“Thank God this day is finally over,” Joanne grumbled to herself as she walked down her dorm hallway. As if having two major exams the same day wasn’t enough, Joanne had also been pulled aside after class by one of her professors asking her to tutor another student. “I’m just glad I can lay down and relax now,” she thought as she entered her dorm room.

“You are such a bitch!” Laurie exclaimed as soon as Joanne walked through the door, although there was a huge smile plastered across her face as she insulted her roommate. “Why didn’t you just tell me you were already doing some hot guy, rather than keep it a secret and have me trying to set you up on dates?”

Sighing, Joanne placed her book bag on her desk and sat on her bed before even trying to figure out what her overly enthusiastic friend was saying. “Okay, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she admitted as she lay back on the bed. “I’m not ‘doing’ anyone.”

“Please,” Laurie rolled her eyes. “Then why did one of the sexiest guys I have ever seen just come by here looking for you, acting like he knew you really well?”

Sitting up, Joanne crinkled her forehead. “Who?” she asked, completely lost.

“I didn’t catch his name,” Laurie moved over to sit beside Joanne on her bed. “But he had dirty blond hair that sort of fell in his eyes and a killer body. He looked like a skater.”

Immediately, a smile crossed over Joanne’s face. “Mark!” she realized excitedly. “Did he leave a number or anything?”

“He left this,” Laurie reached over Joanne to grab an envelope off the nightstand, but as Joanne went to take it from her, she pulled back. “No way,” Laurie’s eyes were dancing. “You don’t get this until I find out who this Mark is and why in God’s name you haven’t slept with him.”

“Just give me it,” Joanne growled, frowning at her roommate.

“Fine,” Laurie handed over the letter while pouting. “Jeez, I was just dishing for a little dirt; you could at least give me that.”

“Mark was one of my closest friends in high school,” Joanne gave in a little and told Laurie. “And you guessed right; he is a skater. Semi-pro - he travels around and does competitions. He must be in town for one.”

“And why did you never sleep with him?” Laurie crossed her arms over her chest and gave an accusatory glare to Joanne, as if having not done this was some sort of affront.

Laughing, Joanne shook her head. “We just weren’t THOSE kind of friends,” she smirked at Laurie. “Besides, he dated my best friend for a couple years. Getting together after that just would have been too weird.”

Looking like she was considering this, Laurie finally relented. “I guess that makes sense,” she begrudgingly admitted. Suddenly, she brightened. “So does that mean he’s single?”

Chuckling, Joanne didn’t even bother to answer Laurie. Instead, she leaned back into her pillows and opened the envelope, sliding the letter out.

“Hey Jo,

As you can probably guess, I’m in town this weekend. Sorry not to give you more of a heads-up, but I was actually an alternate for this competition. I wasn’t scheduled to come until yesterday, when one of the guys broke his ankle.

Anyway, I hope you have some time to hang. There’s actually something I need to talk to you about. You have my cell number, so call me, ok? I can’t wait to see you – I’ve missed you!

Love, Mark

PS
Your roommate’s cute!”

Laughing out loud at the last words of Mark’s letter, Joanne looked over at an expectant Laurie. “He thinks you’re cute,” she smirked. “He actually wrote it in the letter.”

“He did not!” Laurie’s eyes grew wide, and she lunged herself next to Joanne. “Where? Show me!” Reading the line that Joanne pointed to, she let out a little squeal, but quickly stopped and pouted. “Sure, the hottest guy, like, ever, thinks I’m cute, and he just happens to travel nonstop. It’s just my luck.” Standing up, she threw herself dramatically on her own bed. “Life is so unfair.”

Smiling at Laurie, Joanne turned her attention back towards to the letter, skimming it once again. Suddenly, she felt a little nervous. What was it that he needed to talk to her about? She hoped everything was okay with Mark; after everything they had both been through, she wasn’t sure how either of them would deal with another major blow for a long time.

“So, are you going to call him or what?” Laurie finally asked from her spot on her bed. “He was here about an hour ago.”

Swallowing nervously, Joanne just nodded but said nothing for a moment. “Yeah,” she finally said, as much to herself as to Laurie. “Yeah, I’m going to call him right now. I really want to see him.” That, at least, was the truth. Joanne really had missed Mark since she started college a couple hours north of her hometown. With her at school and him traveling so much, they didn’t get to see each other more than twice a year usually.

“But,” Joanne stood up, picking up her purse and walking towards the door. “NOT in front of you, Miss Nosey. I’ll be back.”

Watching Joanne leave, Laurie let out a little huff. But then she smiled to herself; even if this beautiful guy wasn’t a romantic interest for her roommate, at least hearing from him had made Joanne happy. And Laurie liked that, since Joanne was so sweet, yet from the time she had first met her, always seemed like she was carrying around an unexplained sadness with her.

-----

Entering the café that Joanne had give Mark directions to, she looked around and immediately spotted him. He was wearing a band t-shirt and reading the college newspaper, hair falling in his eyes as he leaned forward, sitting at a table. As she crossed the room, Joanne noticed that several girls were glancing over at him, too.

“Hey, stranger,” Joanne said as she approached. Mark looked up at the sound of her voice and gave her a huge smile. At that moment, even Joanne had to admit how attractive Mark was. Not that she could ever be attracted TO him, but he definitely was a gorgeous man.

“Jo!” Mark excitedly jumped from his seat and pulled Joanne into a hug, eliciting a giggle from her as he squeezed. “Look at you,” he pulled back, still smiling widely. “You look beautiful!”

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Joanne grinned, sitting down across from Mark. “God, it’s so good to see you! It’s such a nice surprise.”

“Yeah,” Mark agreed. “I was bummed when I heard that I placed as first alternate for this competition, because I knew if I came, I’d get to see you. Not that I’d wish a broken ankle on anyone – especially one of my teammates – but I was glad that I got the chance. And I’m glad you have some time to hang out. I have to say, I’m surprised, though. From the looks of you, I’d think you’re social calendar would be booked.”

Rolling her eyes, Joanne gave Mark a grin. “I have always told you,” she shook her head. “Do not compliment me. It creeps me out.”

“Can’t help it,” Mark leaned back in his seat. “It’s a sickness. I see a beautiful woman, I must compliment her.”

Laughing, Joanne and Mark began talking animatedly. They spoke about their families. Mark told Joanne some stories ‘from the road’; Joanne talked about how school was going. Almost an hour passed by the time they finally reached a companionable pause of silence.

“So,” Joanne finally said, her voice a little nervous. “Now that we’ve gotten through all the good stuff, do you want to tell me what you meant when you said you needed to talk about something?” The anxiety was evident in Joanne’s voice, even though she was trying to keep her tone light.

“It’s nothing bad,” Mark leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. “Well, I don’t think it’s bad. You might…”

“Mark…” Joanne said warningly.

“It’s Jake,” Mark said, and seeing Joanne immediately freeze up at the sound of her ex-boyfriend’s name, he sped on, not wanting her to think anything bad. “Nothing’s wrong with him; Jake’s fine. It’s just that I saw him.”

Letting out a little sigh of relief to hear that Jake was okay, Joanne was then gripped with a second wave of fear, this time wondering what Jake had said to Mark. “So, what’s he up to these days?” Joanne asked weakly, cringing at how false her words sounded, even to herself.

Luckily for Joanne, Mark had no intention of teasing her. “He’s back in California,” he said slowly, watching Joanne for a reaction. “He transferred to UCLA last semester. It seems he saw a flyer for a competition I was doing in Hollywood a couple months ago, and he showed up. We hung out afterwards, and we’ve been in touch a few times since then.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Joanne’s voice was accusatory, but she immediately backpedaled. “I’m sorry, Mark. I didn’t mean that like it sounded. It’s just… We’re in contact by e-mail or phone at least once a month. Why didn’t you tell me that you had seen him before now?”

Chewing his lip, Mark didn’t look upset at all with Joanne for her outburst. “He asked me not to,” Mark explained, and then felt terrible as an expression crossed over Joanne’s face that made her appear crushed by the news. “It’s not that he doesn’t… he asked all about you. It’s clear he thinks about you all the time. I think he just didn’t want me to tell you anything until he figured out what he was thinking.”

Nodding a little, Joanne looked at Mark with wide, round eyes. “And has he?” she asked softly. Her stomach was turning tumbles, making it hard for Joanne to get words out, but she forced them out. “Has he figured it out, I mean? Is that what you needed to talk to me about?”

“Yeah,” Mark admitted, looking a little nervous about his admission. “I called him last night and told him I was going to try to see you this weekend. I asked him if he wanted me to say anything to you when I saw you.”

“And… what did he say?”

Examining his friend’s anxious expression, Mark reached across the table and took Joanne’s hand. “He wants to see you,” he told her gently. “He would like to come up here and talk to you, but only if it’s okay with you. He wanted me to ask you.”

Looking into Mark’s caring eyes, Joanne had no idea what to do with this information. Jake wanted to see her? God, it had been over two years since the last time she had even spoken to him. Since she had started college, she had slowly tried to let go of the past – although, as Laurie would attest, she hadn’t done the greatest job at that. “Do I have to decide now?” Joanne asked Mark.

“Of course not,” Mark gave Joanne an encouraging smile. “He just asked that I give you his phone number at school. That way, if you ever do want to see him…” Reaching into his pocket, Mark pulled out a piece of paper and handed it across the table to Joanne. “And if you want my opinion, I think this is something you should think about first. Don’t rush into anything, one way or the other.”

Squeezing Mark’s hand lightly, Joanne gave him an appreciative grin. “I agree,” she told Mark with a nod. “And if you don’t mind, I think I’m done even talking about this for now. How do you feel about swinging back by my dorm, grabbing my roommate and maybe a couple of my other friends, and going out for dinner and drinks?”

“Your roommate?” Mark gave Joanne an evil grin as they both rose from the table. “Now, that sounds like a plan. So did she say anything about me?”

Going to give Mark a joking swat, Joanne was surprised when he grabbed her hand in midair and pulled her into a warm, brotherly hug. “It is so good to see you,” he whispered into her hair, holding her close. “You really do mean the world to me. You know that, right?”

Nodding, Joanne felt her eyes welling with grateful tears as she hugged Mark back. “I feel the same way about you,” she said softly, finally pulling back. “So we’ll always be friends? You promise?” she asked, as she wiped some tears from her cheek.

“Always, I promise,” Mark gave Joanne a kind smile before throwing his arm around her shoulder. “So, now, tell me some more about your roommate. Does she like the witty, charming, sexy type?”

“If she does,” Joanne smirked at Mark. “You’re shit out of luck, huh?”

-----

Joanne had one of the best weekends she had experienced since she had started college. Dinner and drinks with Mark and a few friends on Friday night had been a lot of fun. On Saturday, Joanne and Laurie went to see Mark compete, and they screamed with excitement when he placed second.

Watching Mark and Laurie flirt endlessly when they went out for celebratory drinks later that night hadn’t been a problem for Joanne, either. In fact, she liked seeing Mark doing so well, moving on with his life. She knew that a part of his heart was always going to belong to Eve, but he was such a great person, he deserved to be happy.

On Sunday, Joanne met Mark for lunch before he and the team were heading back. They said a sad and bittersweet goodbye, telling each other how special the other person was in their eyes.

Laurie had gone out on Sunday evening, begging Joanne to join her, but Joanne had refused, claiming she was worn out from the weekend. In actuality, she just wanted to take the first opportunity she had gotten since getting the news from Mark that Jake wanted to see her to think about what to do.

Staring at the scrap of paper with Jake’s phone number on it while lying in her bed, Joanne couldn’t figure out what to do. Of course, a part of her wanted to see him. Not a day had passed over the last two years when she hadn’t thought about him – wondering how he was, what he was doing, if he ever thought about her.

But there was another part of Joanne that didn’t want to see Jake. She hadn’t quite gotten past everything yet, but she felt like she had made strides in moving on with her life. Deep inside, Joanne feared that seeing Jake just once might be enough to through her emotionally into reverse, leaving her to start from scratch again.

Unconsciously, Joanne rose from the bed and walked over to her small closet, opening the sliding door. Kneeling down, she sorted through some boxes on the floor until finding the one she wanted. Picking it up, she went back over to her bed and sat down.

Taking a deep breath, Joanne slowly opened the box. Inside were mementos from her high school years – notes she and Eve had exchanged during classes, the corsage Jake had given her for one of the dances they attended, a picture of Joanne and April at their graduation. And at the bottom, tucked carefully away, was the letter that Jake had written to Joanne before he and his mother left California.

Turning the letter over in her hands several times, Joanne tried to decide what to do. She had only read the letter once before, the night before she left for college. She and Mark had been hanging out, him helping her gather the last of the things she was going to be bringing with her, when he saw the letter in its unopened envelope and asked her about it. When Joanne told him what it was, Mark had gently but firmly told her that she had to read the letter – that, before leaving for college and starting a new life, she had to at least say goodbye to Jake. This was the only way how.

Unfolding the letter, Joanne noticed that her hands were shaking. She remembered bits and pieces of it, but what she most remembered was crying for hours afterwards, being held and soothed by Mark. That night, she had put the letter away and never intended to read it again.

“So much for that idea,” Joanne thought sadly to herself as she leaned back onto her bed and began reading:

“Dear Joanne,

I don’t even know how to begin telling you everything that I want you to know, so I’ll start by saying this: I’ll always love you.

I wish I had the courage to come see you, to face you, to say goodbye to you in a way that even comes close to the respect and admiration you deserve. But I don’t. I’m a coward, and therefore, this letter will have to do.

These past few months have been the hardest of my life. Losing Eve… just thinking about it brings forth a pain I can’t describe in words. And the fact that I played even some small part in her death – that’s the thought that chills me, that wakes me in my bed with nightmares, that makes it necessary to start my life over.

And your pain… I know this must be an unbelievably difficult time for you, Jo. You love people purely, utterly, completely – you loved Eve like that, and she knew it. Please know how much you meant to her. She never had a friend like you, and you made her life so much more worthwhile. I know this, because she said it to me more than once.

You also loved me like that, although there were many times I was too stupid or arrogant or afraid to believe it. All the times you were there for me when I was in pain, all the times you trusted me above anyone else, all the times you offered your love freely and honestly… You are a gift, Joanne, a gift to every person that knows you. Please understand that.

As more time goes by, I’ve learned to be able to think about the past without letting the ache of Eve’s death immediately take all pleasure from the memories. So sometimes, that’s what I do – I sit and I remember.

I think about growing up side by side with Eve, always chasing after her when we were kids, afraid she’d hurt herself as she climbed a tree or waded in a stream. From before I can remember clearly, I always clamored after Eve – this exciting, vibrant, fearless girl that the randomness of the universe placed into my life. Following her, I would always try to protect her from the rest of the world. I guess I was too young to understand that when the world wants something, nobody and nothing can stop it from achieving its goal. Kind of like Eve herself.

I also remember bad things – my father coming home drunk and violent towards me, carrying my mother from the couch to the bedroom when she would pass out from prescription pills, nights holding Eve while she cried in fear as our father yelled at our mother in the other room. But these thoughts, surprisingly, are fleeting. I guess, in the end, the bad things don’t come close to comparing to the good.

Which is probably why, when I am let myself stop and remember, you’re there in my memories more often than not. The rest of my life seems to have taken a backseat to the things that happened over the last two years. And for that, I’m grateful, because the time that I spent with you has been the most amazing time in my life.

You were standing at the kitchen counter with Eve the first time I saw you. I couldn’t believe you went to our school, because I couldn’t understand how it was possible that I must have passed such a beautiful creature in the hallways and not noticed her. You looked up at me with those trusting brown eyes, and it was at that moment I knew I wanted you – not just in the teenage/hormonal/lustful way. I wanted you to be mine.

My relationship with Eve grew leaps and bounds thanks to you, Joanne. We got to know each other as people, as friends, when before we had been more like soldiers on the same side, protecting each other without really knowing one another. Because of you, I got to spend the last two years of Eve’s life truly knowing who my sister was. For that, I cannot express enough how much I appreciate you.

When I allow myself to think back, I see so many images of you: how you looked when I first told you I loved you, the kindness and compassion you showed me the first time you took care of me after a fight with my father, the way your hair blew in the breeze of the open window when I would drive you home from school, the trust in your eyes the first time we made love, even the caring resolve you showed when you stood up to me in that restaurant parking lot and told me that you couldn’t keep my secret anymore. These images are the things that allow me to fall asleep at night instead of tossing and turning.

I think it will be good, for my mother and me, to leave town now. There’s just so much pain associated with this place, so many reminders of Eve around every corner. A new home in a new town will allow us to start over, to begin making new memories, to work through the loss that we know will never fully go away.

But by doing so, I know I’m leaving you at the same time. I hope you don’t hate me for that, though I understand if you do. Throughout our relationship, I never appreciated you the way you deserved for me to. I know there was a time that you thought you were the undeserving one in our relationship, but I need you to know that was never true. You, Joanne, have always been and will always be a far more genuine, pure, amazing person than I can ever hope to be.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to love anyone else as much as I love you. I didn’t even know that much love was possible until I met you. I have no doubts that you are going to do unbelievable things in your life, and that you will enrich the lives of every person lucky enough to come into your presence.

I’m so sorry for any pain I’ve ever caused you, Joanne. As I said, I will love you forever. That’s how I started this letter, so I guess that’s how I’ll end it. I just hope you believe it.

Yours always,
Jake”

Tears were streaming down Joanne’s face as she finished the letter, suddenly re-experiencing all the pain she had felt the first time she read it. She had felt so lost, so utterly alone, even though Mark was by her side. Now, that wasn’t even true, and Joanne felt even worse. What was she supposed to do? How could she possibly see Jake? Wouldn’t it just hurt too much? What good would come of it? Wasn’t it possible to turn out for the worst for both of them? Shouldn’t they just let go and try to move on with their lives?

But more important than any of these questions was the final one Joanne’s mind asked her: How could she not?

-----

AS YOU CAN TELL, THE LAST CHAPTER WAS NOT THE END OF THE STORY. I CONSIDERED IT, BUT FELT JOANNE (AND THE READERS) DESERVED MORE CLOSURE THAN THAT. SO THERE WILL BE ONE MORE CHAPTER AFTER THIS, FYI.

THANK YOU AGAIN TO EVERYONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ AND REVIEW THIS STORY. WHEN I STARTED AND STOPPED IT (AND STARTED AGAIN AND STOPPED AGAIN AND STARTED AGAIN) I WASN’T VERY COMFORTABLE WITH THE WAY IT WAS GOING. THE LAST HALF, THOUGH, I FEEL MUCH BETTER ABOUT, AND I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING IT. NOW, A FEW WORDS TO REVIEWERS:

FOAMYFAN15010: THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE NICE WORDS. I LOVE GETTING PRAISE FROM AN AUTHOR WHOSE WORK I RESPECT.

IOTC247: PLEASE REFRAIN FROM THROWING THE PITCHFORK JUST YET. THEY’RE POINTY, YOU KNOW!

PSYCOSNAKE: I’M SURPRISED YOU THOUGHT THE LAST CHAPTER WAS QUICK. IT WAS NEARLY 4,000 WORDS! AND SORRY THERE WASN’T ANY FLUFF. I JUST THINK SOMESTIMES LIFE IS THE OPPOSITE OF FLUFFY. (BUMPY? IS THAT THE OPPOSITE?)

LKN: I HAD TO THINK FOR A WHILE WHETHER JOANNE WOULD READ THE LETTER RIGHT AWAY OR NOT, BUT IN THE END I’M GLAD I DIDN’T HAVE HER DO THAT (ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE, TOO).

ADAEE: KUDOS TIMES TWO (TO MAKE UP FOR IT) AND THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REVIEW.

SESSHY_LOVER: I HOPE JOANNE AND MARK’S FRIENDSHIP IS ENOUGH FOR YOU.

SPHYNX: SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAD. THANKS FOR BEING SO SWEET AND SUPPORTIVE.

THANKS ALSO TO ROSIE, FRAN, SILVERWOLF, AND KATY THE BEAN FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REVIEW.