Above and Below - A Queensbride vignette

Part Two – Above Ground - with the Queen and I

 

"Why aren't you writing the book?"

That was the question She'd posed to both of us; Phi beneath and myself above. On one side of the split came the events of Below. Above, a different path.

I was surprised to see Her there. She, all my splits had been dormant since Scotland. I thought they were gone.

"The book? I'm sorry... I just can't get into it anymore, not since all that other stuff."

"'Other stuff'? What 'other stuff' could be more important than finishing our history?"

I grow uncomfortable. "I will, I will, I'm just waiting for the weather to turn."

I can tell She didn't believe me but at the time it was all I knew. Well, I did know a bit more but I feared to say it. The Queen left, but soon returned and increased the pressure. Finally I relented and began to put the first part into a printable format.

Which is when "Part One - Above" happened.

I posted it, then removed it, then posted it again. The Queen missed it the first time, but not the second.

"What is this? I never passed you by. You're the one that took off to the country. Going there was your idea, not Mine."

I realized She was referring to Scotland. The worlds mirror each other in that way.

"Not You as in You, I mean, the woman, You know the one, the one that reminds me so much of You."

"You aren't writing our history because a woman reminds you of Me? That's not what I see here. 'All I can do is hope that another incarnation will surface one day and want me or the current one will forgive me for what I am.' When you speak of the 'current one', are you saying that isn't Me?"

"Well, well no."

"Who then?"

"The...er... other woman.."

She slaps me across the face.

"You've replaced Me? No, worse, you've given her My very existence."

"But she's so much like You, how could I not? All my life I've wanted You and then there You were, for real, but then-"

She grabs my face and digs Her fingers into my flesh.

"Look well. I am Queen Isadj. I am the only Queen Isadj. The reason you can't touch Me in your world is because I share the same body as you, but don't think for a moment that I am a fantasy to be cast upon another being. I am not to be found because I'm already here, as I have been for years and will be for the rest of your life."

I feel ashamed, but also so confused.

"But You, all of you, all of you disappeared after Scotland. I thought you had all left because now I was whole."

"I, we let you go for your own good. You were disappearing and I cannot own what does not exist. I'm sure the others share My sentiment. As for us leaving because you are whole, what do you see us as? A symptom of madness?"

I rub the back of my neck and look away. I'm on seriously thin ice. "Well, I mean... how many people have split personalities and are considered sane? Besides, if I were really disappearing, why wouldn't one of you take the chance to take over?"

The Queen let go, Her anger fading. "Take over your body? You're a foot too short for one."

We glance at each other in awkward silence. "Sidja... I don't know then. I don't know."

The Queen sighed. "Ours isn't a typical setup, is it?"

I shake my head. "What does this mean, then?"

"It means you will never 'find' your Queen. She isn't out there. She's here. You will find other people like Me, but they are not Me."

"That's so sad..."

"Perhaps, but then again, if it is not possible to find Me, there is no need for you to waste your time looking or to grieve My absence. This is a closed circuit. What happens out there has no bearing on what we are in here."

I am floored. Slowly one image peels apart to reveal two; My Queen and the woman I had sought Her through. On her own I still love this woman as she is, but the nagging desperation I'd felt is gone. Even without her I have the one I really need, and She is a faction of my own mind.

"I closed circuit," I murmur. So much stress and longing resolved by routing it back through its own source.

The Queen relaxed Her posture and a glass of wine found its way into Her hand.

"I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth. You'll come to appreciate it in time. As for the four of us that share this place with you, I wouldn't consider it a sign of madness, rather that you have too much space to tend to on your own. It would go neglected if we weren't here, which reminds Me,"

The Queen reached into a pocket in the folds of Her dress and held out something small, black, and sparkly in Her hand. "I found this in My travels."

The stone appeared to be there but not there, a piece of midnight ocean reflecting the stars above within a hard, crystalline form. It fascinates but I somehow fear to touch it.

"What is it?"

The Queen's eyes dance with the same light as the stone. "It is your forbidden curiosities, small but potent. I found it in the Rift."

"The Rift? But nothing tangible has ever been found there."

"This isn't quite tangible either."

I try to touch it but my hands flicker and ghost. The Queen smiles.

"You're not quite ready yet, I see. Watch it for now and get accustomed to its presence. Much can be learned by simply doing this. Do not seek to touch it again until the time is right. It is not something to do alone."

I am numb. It is all so much to take in. The main system decides I've had enough and shuts me down. I sleep Monday away as my factions finish their reprogramming.

Tuesday I begin writing Queensbride again.

The Queen is pleased.

---

 

Part Two – Below Ground - Meanwhile, in QB land...

 

The Queen cast a glance at the leather bound book in the corner, its shroud of dust.

Days passed and an uncomfortable silence fell between them. Phi could see her Queen was in pain despite Her efforts to keep it hidden. The girl wanted to continue the book for Her, but something kept her back.

"Sidja, about the book, please don't feel bad. I'm sorry, I wish I knew what was wrong."

The Queen lay on the bed with Her arm over Her eyes, exhausted from the day's events. She had feared this conversation but the continuing silence was costing Her more.

"You know what is wrong."

"I...do?"

"You are ashamed. I can understand why. I wish an apology was enough but I know it isn't. I can't do anything for it now."

Phi stared at Her dully. "I don't know what You're talking about."

The Queen sat up. "I know what I did to you, and if I could go back and change it I would. I'm not surprised you wouldn't want to glorify a relationship that formed from abduction, rape, and torture. In fact, if I were you, I would have killed Me long ago-"

"Don't say that! No, it's not like that, that's not it-"

The Queen stood up, Her face awash with emotion seldom seen. "It is like that, Phi. I know you see it. I knew you'd see it the moment I sent you away."

"But... You sent me away anyway."

"I wanted what was best for you. It was all I could do. I'm sorry Phi.... I have somewhere else to be."

The Queen left the room, not to return until the early hours of dawn when She knew the girl would be asleep. She couldn't bear to talk to her now. She slept only an hour in the armchair by the door, changed Her clothes in the hallway, and was gone before the sun rose again.

*****

 

Phi had stood stunned, staring at the door after the Queen had left. It was all true. Everything She had said was true. The girl cried for hours. When they'd seen each other again neither could speak of the night before. They grew further estranged.

For days after Phi took on her own world. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted. All she wanted was herself and her new found independence. It was the only way forward, away from what she had been, the shame and the anger it had given birth to.

Eventually she and the Queen had found a way to co-exist in a civil way, oh so careful not to touch each others hearts until both became covered in dust.

And time went on.

 

****

Phi hadn't noticed it before, but for some reason it now stood out amidst the clothes in her closet. A silk scarf, pink and yellow paisley with floral edges. She stared at it and a tremor passed through her. She swallowed hard and looked away.

'What is this?'

A vision flashed across her mind, of the Queen's hands binding her own in the scarf before her and pulling her somewhere.

Phi's breath caught in her throat.

'Why? Why does my heart race? This is wrong, isn't it? Why would I want that now?'

The Queen looked up from across the room and saw the girl fingering the scarf in a daze.

"Phi?"

"Yes? Oh, I, I don't know, I found this scarf..."

The Queen saw the sheepish blush on the girl's face and felt something prick at the back of Her mind. "Is it bothering you?"

"No, it's, it's just the strangest thing. I don't know what to make of it."

The Queen didn't remember getting up from Her chair and coming to the closet but suddenly She found Herself there. "It's a scarf, Phi."

Phi looked up at the Queen, baffled, as if she had only seen the woman for the first time. A wave of heat swept over her. "Yes, yes, I know it's a scarf, it's just, it made me think of something that I don't know why I thought of it."

"Yes?"

The girl turned away.

"No, no this doesn't make sense. Why would I think of such a thing? It reminded me, of, well, how it was. You know, with Your scarves. Look at me, I'm all blushed, thinking of such a thing. I'm a free being now, why would I feel this way over something that hurt me?"

Phi turned the scarf over and over in her shaking hands as she wandered nervously about the room.

The Queen felt Her heart skip a beat but pushed it back. She didn't know what She should be doing anymore.

"I don't believe the scarf ever hurt you, Phi."

"I know the scarf didn't- Oh Sidja I don't understand. I'm having so many thoughts, so many wants right now and it all runs counter to logic. I, oh god, I want, I want something. I don't know why, but I, I just want You to, to..."

Phi felt something painful twist in her chest. She wanted the Queen to take her down, take her away. It laced through her every nerve of her skin, every hair on her head.

The Queen wrestled Her own indecision, for all Her being wished to comply with the the girl's silent wish but She couldn't, not with all She had done already.

"Phi... why would you want this manner of Me? After all that I've done to you?"

Phi looked up at Her, at a loss until something suddenly became startlingly clear.

"Because now I have something I can give to You. Before I had nothing to give. I was nothing. When You took, You took from nothing and there was nothing to give back. But then You sent me away and I became something. You gave me freedom here, the freedom to choose, the freedom to become a whole person. You've fought so hard for that for me. Now that I am myself, I can give myself."

She paused, teary eyed. "It's what I've needed all along, it seems. It's only now that I c-can. I want to give You myself."

The Queen felt tears slide down Her own face. She didn't remember speaking as they dissolved together but still the words were heard;

"I love you...."

****

 

Neither woke before noon the next day.

When the Queen did She found the girl sitting beside Her, furiously writing away.

 

---

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