Perceptual Problems

“Are you kidding me? Not only did you kiss Donal, but you’re hanging out with him and Stevenson. Stevenson! Of all people. Jesus Christ.”

“I told you, it just kind of happened. And Isaac and Travis aren’t so bad,” Kyle said to Riley, one of his closest friends.

“I was gone for a day and now you’re best friends with the two stooges.”

“What you mean to reference is the Three Stooges.”

“Whatever. That doesn’t matter.”

“You’re making it into a bigger deal than it is.”

“Dude.”

“What?”

“You made out with Isaac Donal. That’s a big deal, if not solely for the fact that he’s the hot shot hockey team captain, then because of the fact that he’s gay and he effectively came out to you.”

“I guess,” Kyle said, not really paying as much attention to what Riley was saying as to the road on which he was driving on their way to Kyle’s.

“So you have a date with him?”

“Friday.”

“What about Van?”

“What about him?” He’d called and texted a couple of times since they’d last spoken. Kyle hadn’t answered. His damaged pride wasn’t ready for a second round of pummeling quite yet.

“I suppose this is a good way to get over him, if that’s what you’re trying to do,” Riley said. He knew everything that had happened—the fight, Van’s explicit rejection of him, his refusal to talk to Van.

“I’m not trying to do anything,” Kyle said. And that was the truth. He’d agreed to a date, but that didn’t mean he had any ulterior motives.

“Oh my God, you have a crush on him,” Riley said.

“So?”

“So? He kidnapped you and handcuffed you to a chair. That’s a crime, in case you forgot. The fact that you weren’t angrier about that says that you really like him.”

“He’s a good guy. Kind, considerate, intelligent, funny.”

“Hot,” Riley said. When Kyle glanced at him, Riley smiled deviously.

“That too,” Kyle said. They laughed.

---

Friday came around faster than Kyle anticipated. It was lunchtime and Kyle hadn't been able to get all of the paint out from under his fingernails. Most of the time it seemed like there was some kind of something under his nails—paint, charcoal, eraser dust. At least he hadn't gotten it on his face this time, at least not that he could see when he’d glanced in the mirror.

He'd finally finished part of his final project for Art Studio and he was mostly happy with it, though the painting could’ve turned out a little better if he hadn’t fucked up the woman’s face. But it was too late to start over now.

He left the art building and walked out through the doors to the front of the school, his and Isaac’s designated meeting spot for lunch. The cold snap that had blanketed the town with snow the week before had ended and given way to unusual warmth for this time of year.

Other seniors were bustling about and walking to their cars to leave. Kyle pulled his phone out of his pocket to check it. He had a text from Riley but none from Isaac. The text from Riley said: Have a good lunch with your new boy, with a smiley face punctuating the end.

Someone called his name from behind and when he turned Isaac walked up to him from inside the school.

“Hey,” he said.

Kyle replied with the same, and he couldn’t stop the smile that split his face. Isaac’s matched his, he imagined.

“Where do you want to go for lunch?” Isaac asked.

“I’m down for whatever. Is it just us?”

“Yeah, I guess everyone else left already. How does the diner on 62nd sound?” Isaac asked.

Kyle thought this had to be a set up. Isaac must have planned it this way. Why else would all of his friends and Kyle’s friends have mysteriously gone and eaten without them? And Riley’s text was sketchy, too. Was it that Isaac wanted to be alone? Kyle could go with that.

“Sounds good,” Kyle said.

They decided to take Isaac’s car in an agreement that they didn’t even have to vocalize. He drove a Land Rover Discovery series that was a couple years old but in great condition. The backseat and the trunk were gigantic and thinking about that only made Kyle think about what they could do in those large spaces.

They drove while listening to Isaac’s IPod. It turned out that Isaac listened to much of the same music that Kyle listened to. Isaac liked new, indie, progressive stuff just as Kyle did. When Isaac turned his car on, Friendly Fires played over the speakers and Kyle began to enjoy himself right away, dancing a bit in his seat and softly singing along to the lyrics. When Isaac glanced at him, Kyle just smiled and Isaac smiled back and somehow they both began to sing the lyrics to Paris together. Everything else fell away and it was just them and the music and the road until they stopped at a red light as the song ended and Kyle noticed the guys in the car next to them clapping and laughing. Kyle couldn’t help but laugh with them. He pointed them out to Isaac and Isaac just shook his head, a tinge of embarrassment in his smile.

The diner was fairly busy when they stepped inside and seated themselves. They picked up their menus from where they sat at the end of the table to peruse through them.

“You have really good taste in music,” Kyle said.

“Thanks. I appreciate that, coming from you,” Isaac said.

“Well, it’s true. And what do you mean, coming from me?”

“I’ve looked through your IPod. You only have good music on there. And I’ve seen your band. You’re talented.”

Kyle couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. It seemed that’s all he did around Isaac. “I didn’t know you knew about the Bolsheviks. Why didn’t you tell me you’ve seen us play before?”

“I don’t know. I thought you might be weirded out if I said that I’d gone to one of your shows.”

“I’m flattered, actually. Who’d you go with?”

“Travis, Mike and his girlfriend. I’m ready to order. Are you?” Isaac said, abruptly changing the subject.

Kyle glanced at the menu open in front of him and realized that he had no idea what he wanted.

“No, I don’t know what I want yet. What are you getting?”

“The number one breakfast plate.”

“I’ll just get the same then.”

An older woman came by to take their order, smiling pleasantly the whole time, as if she knew that they were there together.

Orange juice came with their order, and as the waitress placed the glasses on the table, Isaac cleared his throat as if trying to rid the air of awkwardness (of which Kyle wasn’t even aware until Isaac cleared his throat). Isaac took a drink of his juice, and when he put it back down it made a heavy clanking sound.

“I’m sorry if this is offensive, but where’s your mom? You’ve talked about your dad before, but you’ve never mentioned anything about your mom,” Isaac said.

Kyle wished he could say he was surprised. The mention of his mother still jolted him like cold water would. He tried to cover his shock by pulling his features back into a normal expression.

“She passed away when I was ten.”

Isaac must have expected something like that because he didn’t seem surprised. Only saddened. He frowned and looked down at the table. And when he looked at Kyle again, a determination had settled in his eyes, in his features, and a flash of a realization hit Kyle. He knew Isaac better than he thought.

“I’m sorry. That must be difficult,” Isaac said.

Kyle shrugged. “Yeah,” he said. What could you say? There wasn’t much to say about it that he hadn’t already thought or said to other people whom he’d had to tell.

There was a silence then between them. The conversations and the clanking of the dishes around them, the pungent smell of greasy food all punctuated it.

“May I ask how?” Isaac said.

Kyle supposed he’d been waiting for that, too. It was less like the shock of cold water and more like the lukewarm he expected when he first turned on the tap.

“Suicide,” Kyle said, looking straight at Isaac. He couldn’t face him for very long. He found himself looking down at the table in an echo of Isaac’s earlier gesture. Thinking about it was surreal. He didn’t think about it often, but when he did the memories flooded in like watching too many photographs pass by on a screen.

“I’m sorry. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have brought it up,” Isaac said.

“It’s okay, really. You had every right to ask.”

“No, I—“ Isaac began, but just then the waitress brought their plates and set them down on the table in front of them.

“Smells good,” Kyle said and picked up his fork, grateful for the distraction from their heavy conversation.

“Yeah, I know it’s not the best food in the world, but it’s good unhealthy food, you know? It’s kind of tradition for my family to come here.”

It gratified Kyle to know that Isaac had decided to share a tradition like this with him.

“I’ve never actually been here before so thanks for sharing it with me, even though it’s a family thing,” Kyle said. He inwardly cringed at the awkwardness of his statement.

“Of course,” Isaac said.

Isaac ate as if he hadn’t eaten in ages. Kyle supposed that was normal for a big guy who played hockey every day.

They finished their meals with talk about small things and with fifteen minutes to kill before the bell would ring for the beginning of fifth period. Isaac insisted on paying the bill. He wouldn't even let Kyle touch it. So Kyle said that he would pick up the next one, since he didn't feel comfortable just allowing Isaac to pay for it without something in return.

"I can think of some other things you can do in return," Isaac said in response to Kyle's proposal, raising his eyebrow. Kyle was so floored for a moment that he could only stare at Isaac as he put his wallet back in his pocket and wonder if he'd actually heard correctly.

But from the way Isaac smirked, Kyle could definitely say that he'd heard correctly. He laughed and smirked back.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" he asked.

Isaac's smirk had gone and Kyle became privy to his dilated pupils instead.

"I don't think it would be appropriate to say in a diner. Let's go," Isaac said, placing a couple dollars on the table as he stood. Kyle eagerly followed suit.

They stepped outside and as soon as they hit the sidewalk, Isaac put his arm around Kyle’s shoulders.

“So what about those things you were going to tell me about?” Kyle asked.

“Hmm,” Isaac said, stopping in front of the driver’s side door of his car.

“Maybe we can start with this,” he continued, turning to face Kyle and leaning down.

He kissed Kyle with dry lips, and at first Kyle kept his eyes open even though he’d obviously been expecting Isaac’s actions. They remained like that with their dry lips pressed against each other’s, and it was like a moment in time they got stuck in, but it was a good stuck. It was where he wanted to be.

Isaac placed his hands on Kyle’s waist, and Kyle stepped closer, pressing his hands against Isaac’s chest, letting them slide up to his shoulders and farther, to cup Isaac’s neck and rub his jaw with the pads of his thumbs. Isaac moved his lips against Kyle’s and Kyle responded in kind. He teased Isaac’s bottom lip with his tongue before nipping it. A small sound escaped Isaac’s lips, and he pulled Kyle closer and began to kiss him harder. He introduced his tongue and immediately Kyle opened his mouth, accepting it.

Isaac did this flickering thing with it, tilting his head just the right way. Kyle couldn’t keep the moan that escaped him inside, even if he’d wanted to. Isaac’s hands slid slowly down his waist and when they cupped his ass, he knew what Isaac wanted and he knew that he wanted the same thing. When Isaac squeezed, Kyle made a small sound and realized quickly where they were—a parking lot in public, where anyone could see. Kyle broke the kiss, and began to untangle himself from Isaac. Isaac released Kyle’s ass, and looked at him questioningly.

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“We’re in the middle of a public parking lot and almost at second base. We should probably leave,” Kyle said before he grasped one of Isaac’s hands

“Oh yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I guess we should go back to campus,” Isaac said, nodding his head.

He fished his keys out of his pocket in a distracted way and unlocked his car. Kyle walked around to the other side, his heart still pounding in his ears and his nerves still crackling. Isaac’s IPod continued to play Friendly Fires. Kyle grabbed it to take over the music, his hands unable to remain motionless. He glanced at Isaac, who looked at him at the same time. He smiled and Isaac smiled, too.

Kyle thought the last thing I want to do is go back to school and sit through a class.

---

Two more classes after lunch, and the day ended. After leaving his American Government class, Kyle walked to his locker to meet Riley and pack his backpack for the weekend. Among all the lockers slamming open and closed and the guys walking around in the Friday afternoon excitement, Kyle glimpsed Travis and Isaac talking to Mason. He was a tall guy like Isaac, an imposing figure, also on the hockey team. Kyle glanced away, not wanting to disturb Isaac in his conversation. It seemed important from the way Mason gestured with his hands and Travis and Isaac watched like a riveted audience.

Kyle stopped in front of his locker and twisted his combination into the lock.

“Hey, ho,” someone said from his left and immediately Kyle knew it was Riley from the sound of his voice.

“Hey, slut,” Kyle replied, placing his calculus and physics books in his bag.

“Are you ready to get your hair cut?” Riley asked, smirking.

“By your amazing hands? Of course.”

Riley giggled. Kyle zipped his bag closed and slammed his locker door shut.

“Did you see Isaac over there?” Riley asked.

“Yeah.”

“Did you say hi to him?”

“No.”

“Why not? I want to see you guys be all cutesy together,” Riley said.

“We wouldn’t be all cutesy together in the middle of the hallway. And I’ll see him tonight anyway.”

Kyle pulled the straps of his backpack over his shoulders and turned. Riley began to walk next to him down the hallway, chattering the whole time.

“He was talking with Mason, you know. God, he’s so cute.” Riley said, “Mason, not Isaac. But Isaac’s cute, too.”

“Yeah, I saw. I don’t see why you just don’t make a move on Mason. You’ve been pining after him for so long,” Kyle said, pushing open one of the double doors at the front of the school and holding it open for Riley.

“You know I can’t do that. He’ll kick my ass. Besides, he’s probably seeing someone.”

“No, he’s not,” Kyle said.

“How do you know?”

“He said so at lunch yesterday.” They reached Kyle’s car, a black Nissan Altima Coupe and Kyle unlocked it.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Riley asked as he sat in the passenger seat, his voice going high at the end.

“You said yourself your punk ass is too pussy to go for it.”

“Fuck you. You know it’s not that easy,” Riley said before he crossed his arms and stared out the window.

“Don’t do that. Don’t pout. You know I hate when you do that,” Kyle said. The parking lot was crowded with other cars attempting to leave at the same time, and Kyle didn’t want to sit in this traffic with a pouting Riley.

“I’m not pouting,” Riley said.

“I could get Isaac to introduce you guys.”

“That’d be really awkward.”

Someone honked their horn behind them, and Riley jumped a little. When Kyle looked in his rearview mirror, he saw Isaac in his car. Kyle smiled and waved. Riley turned his head to look through the rear window before looking back at Kyle.

“What?” Kyle said.

“You’re wearing the goofiest smile right now,” Riley said, laughing.

“No I’m not,” Kyle said, trying to subdue his lips’ urge to curve upward.

---

Kyle trusted Riley to cut his hair. He did. Really. Why was he so nervous then? It was probably mostly nerves about tonight. Every time Kyle thought about it he felt a little bit like he might throw up.

“Are you sure you’re ready? From the look on your face, I would think that you absolutely don’t want me to go near you with these scissors.” Riley held the scissors up in the mirror in front of Kyle who sat in a chair in front of the sink in his bathroom, staring at himself and at Riley. Riley had a magazine open to a Burberry advertisement on the sink counter. He’d pointed out to Kyle that he wanted to cut his hair the way one of the guys in the advertisement wore his—with a side swept fringe and his hair not much longer than his earlobes.

Too high maintenance, Kyle had said, to which Riley had only replied that it would be super hot.

Fine, Kyle had said, but that was before his stomach started trying to do back flips inside his body.

“It’s okay. I know you know what you’re doing. It just seems like that cut is kind of complicated,” Kyle said.

“It’s not too bad. I know how to do it. But if you’d rather me just trim, I can do that,” Riley said, his reflection smiling placidly at Kyle.

“Okay. Just do it. I like that style.”

Riley’s placid smile turned into a grin and with that he began cutting Kyle’s wet hair. Riley was somewhat of a genius with hair. He’d learned a couple things from his hairstylist cousin and had been cutting his friends’ hair ever since.

As Riley began sectioning his hair, Kyle studied both of them in the mirror. Kyle was pale with hair black and fine, eyes a bright green, and lips a pastel pink. Riley was a blond, blue-eyed beauty with high cheekbones and swollen lips, the kind of guy who could really have anyone he wanted but whose own conscientiousness (and self-consciousness) wouldn’t allow him to act that way.

A half hour later and Riley finished the cutting and began with the blow dryer. He put some random product in Kyle’s hair, tousling it as he dried.

“See, it looks fantastic,” Riley said, once he’d finished styling it completely. And it did. It looked like Kyle was ready for a GQ shoot.
“Yeah, it’s great.”

“To keep this style, we’re probably going to need to use some hairspray.”

“Really?”

“I know, I know, you don’t like using hairspray. If you want I can cut the fringe a little more,” Riley said.

“I think that’d be a good idea, if you don’t mind,” Kyle said.

Riley cut the fringe a bit shorter with a few snips of his scissors before he tousled and ran his fingers through Kyle’s hair some more.

“So?” Riley asked, once his hands stopped flitting around for the fifth time.

Kyle nodded and smiled.

“It looks great,” he said. “Thanks.”

Looking into the mirror at Kyle, Riley leaned down and spoke next to his ear. “You’ll knock him dead, Kyle. He won’t know what hit him when he sees you.”

Kyle laughed.

“What are you going to wear?” Riley asked, as he took the smock off Kyle’s shoulders.

“I have no idea. You have to help me pick out an outfit.”

“Of course,” Riley said. He did always love dressing Kyle.

After cleaning up the hair on the floor, they both went into Kyle’s room. Kyle flopped onto his bed and sighed.

“Okay, let’s get you dressed. What time is Isaac picking you up?” Riley said.

“Seven.”

“You do realize that’s in two hours, right?” Riley walked to Kyle’s closet, opened the doors, and started rifling through Kyle’s clothes.

“We need something tight,” he continued.

Kyle laughed. “So I can knock him dead with my nonexistent ass?”

“Your ass is not nonexistent. It’s not big, but it’s definitely in existence, and it’s very nice.”

Kyle rolled over onto his front and rested his elbows on the bed, watching Riley and chuckling as he started pulling pants out of his closet and tossing them onto the bed.

“Let’s start with these,” Riley said.

Another half hour later and they’d both found the outfit, the one they liked the most. Standing in front of his full-length mirror, Kyle adjusted his v-neck. It was a simple gray one that fit him nicely, not too tight and not too loose. He wore skinny blue jeans that didn’t choke his balls or fall off his ass. Though Riley wanted him to wear different shoes, he refused to part from his blue Chukka Boot Vans.

“How about this black cardigan to top it off?” Riley asked. Kyle took it from Riley and put it on over his shirt.

“Perfect,” Riley said. “You look gorgeous.” Kyle pulled the cardigan down to fix it and rolled the sleeves up over his elbows.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t need to be nervous, you know. He likes you a lot. Don’t worry.”

Kyle bit his lip and shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I know it’s not a big deal.”

He sat on the edge of his bed, his hands trapped together between his legs. He had to resist the impulse to bite his fingernails. Riley sat next to him and began to rub his back, occasionally lightly scratching as well. Kyle’s phone started vibrating on the bed next to them and Kyle’s stomach dropped into his feet, his hands immediately breaking out into a sweat. When he looked at his phone, he froze. Even though Van had called him many times since their falling out, each time he saw that name lit up on the screen of his phone, he wanted to run away.

“Who is it? Is it Isaac?” Riley asked.

“No. It’s Van.”

“Answer it.”

“No,” Kyle said, placing his phone on the bed. It continued to ring before going to voicemail.

“Why won’t you answer it?”

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Obviously. But why? I’m sure he just wants to apologize to you.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Kyle said flopping back onto the bed.

“Don’t you miss him?”

“Yeah,” Kyle said. He missed the comfort, the safety that Van embodied for him. He missed his laugh and his carefree attitude.

“You should talk to him. I think it’ll make you feel better.”

“I need time. To get over him.”

“I know, and you will. You’re on your way to that with Isaac,” Riley said, lying to rest on an elbow next to Kyle.

“I really do like him. I’m not trying to use him to get over Van. I like spending time with him.”

“I’m not accusing you of using him. I’m just saying that it’s healthy to think of someone else as a potential boyfriend, rather than thinking of what happened with Van as the end of the world.”

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re always right, Ri,” Kyle said.

“Yeah, I am, aren’t I?”

Kyle looked at Riley and his face was a stone mask of seriousness, which gave away the fact that he was pretending. His eyes had that squint of a smile, and his lips began to curve up. Kyle laughed and Riley tumbled into laughter with him. Soon, they were both cracking up, laughing so hard that Kyle’s face started to hurt.

They collapsed onto his bed again. Kyle ran his fingers through his hair.

“Hey, don’t mess your hair up,” Riley said. “I worked hard on it.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kyle said, placing his hands back on the bed.

“Here, let me fix it.” Riley crawled to sit in front of him and combed his fingers through Kyle’s hair, pulling the fringe back into place. “Do you want me to get going before Isaac gets here?”

The thought of Riley leaving right now made Kyle feel like he might throw up again. “No, I’d rather you stay, if you don’t mind.”

Riley nodded his head. “You know, you never told me how your kiss with Isaac was.”

“It was nice. I liked it.” Kyle picked at his comforter. “We made out today, when we went to eat lunch.”

“Wait, what? And you didn’t tell me? How could you not tell me?” Riley exclaimed, his voice rising into alto from its normal tenor and his hands exploding into motion.

“You know I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Hello, I’m your best friend. You’re supposed to kiss and tell to me,” he said, pointing at his chest. “So how was it? Details, please.”

“I’m not giving you details. I’m just going to tell you that it was good, okay. Good enough to make me forget that we were macking in the middle of a parking lot in mid-day.”

“You absolute slut,” Riley said, lightly shoving Kyle.

“Fuck you, bitch,” Kyle said.

“How long has it been since you’ve had sex?” Riley asked. “Not since Ace right?”
“Not since we ran into each other at that party,” Kyle said, remembering vividly. Even though they’d been broken up for about two months, when they saw each other at a mutual friend’s party, a conversation smoothed by alcohol and the spark that still existed between them ended with Kyle on his back and Ace between his legs. The next day Ace had talked about getting back together, but Kyle had said no. He didn’t want to go back to the way they’d been, fighting all the time, saying hurtful things to each other. They both had a tendency to get jealous and the fact that they went to different schools and Kyle had a raging temper didn’t help much. Sometimes Kyle wondered if he’d made the right decision, especially when he slept in his empty bed or he found one of Ace’s button-ups in his closet.

“That was a couple months ago. Time for you to get laid.”

“It was only two months ago, I’ll have you know. But yes, you’re right, it is time to get laid.”

“Are you going to bring him back here? You should, since you’re dad’s out of town,” Riley said.

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Have to see if he plays his cards right.” They laughed.

Kyle glanced at his phone, pressing a button to make it light up. “Shit, it’s almost seven,” he said.

“I’m so excited for you. You’ll have fun. And at least one of us will be getting some action,” Riley said, standing up and smoothing his shirt down over his front.

“You know you could be doing anyone you wanted right now. Like Mason, for example,” Kyle said, staring at his phone and the number that kept becoming larger and looming closer to the time Isaac would knock on his door. (It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Isaac because he definitely did. His stomach flipped with butterflies just as much as it turned with almost-nausea. The prospect of a real date had real implications and that made him want to run.)

“Yeah, right. I’m sure he’s straight.”

“You never know,” Kyle said.

And that’s when his doorbell rang. The slow ding-dong-ding-dong reverberated through the house. Kyle’s insides seized up and he could only stare at Riley.

Riley said, “It’s okay. Go answer the door and just relax and be yourself. You know it’ll be fine.” He kneeled in front of Kyle and gave him hug. When he pulled back, he smiled with his big whites. “Ready?”

Kyle took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Yeah, I’m ready,” he said.

He walked down the stairs with Riley close behind him and when he answered the door he was as surprised as the expression on Isaac’s face was. Isaac stared at him, mouth half open, and Kyle took him in just as silently. Isaac wore a navy blue and white flannel button- up under an unzipped, black sweater that looked like the American Apparel ones Kyle had in his closet. His jeans were dark wash and fitted over a pair of black Authentic Vans, which Kyle had seen him wear before. After completely surveying Isaac, Kyle’s eyes slid back up to Isaac’s face. He wanted to kiss Isaac, more than anything, in that moment.

“Are you guys going to say anything to each other?” Kyle glanced behind him at Riley, who was looking pointedly at them.

“Hey,” Isaac said.

“Hey,” Kyle said, looking away from the nosy Riley and back at Isaac.

“Riley, right?” Isaac asked.

“Yep,” Riley said, squeezing through the doorway past Kyle. “You guys have fun. And be safe.” He winked at Kyle and waved at them both before saying a quick later and walking away.

“Is he walking home?” Isaac asked, turning back to Kyle after glancing at Riley walking away.

“Yeah, he lives a couple blocks away,” Kyle said, nodding. He licked his lips. “He cut my hair.”

“It looks great,” Isaac said. “I mean, you look great. Amazing, really.”

“Thanks. You look great, too. I’ve never seen you in street clothes before.” Kyle could feel warmth start to spread across his cheeks and tried to push his hair behind his ear before he realized it was too short.

Isaac looked down at himself. He said, “Oh yeah. I forgot. Did you want to get going?”

“Yeah, I um, forgot my keys in my room though. I’ll have to go back upstairs. You should come inside. I can give you a little tour, if you want.” Kyle could’ve kicked himself for his forgetfulness.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Isaac said. Kyle wondered how he could act so cool at a time like this, and then he remembered that not everyone was as prone to anxiety as him.

Kyle closed the door behind him, and when he turned around, Isaac looked at him. He stood close and that urge came back to Kyle. He bounced onto the tips of his toes and kissed Isaac. It was chaste and close-mouthed and he fell back down onto his heels before Isaac could react.

Isaac leaned down and returned the kiss, one hand clutching Kyle’s hip and the other wrapping around the back of his neck. Their kiss quickly turned into open mouths and Isaac did that thing with his tongue again that made Kyle feel wanted. Kyle rubbed Isaac’s chest and abdomen, trying to feel the hard planes he knew were under the clothes. Isaac’s hands found their way under Kyle’s shirt and the jolt of warmth they spread made a shiver run through him. He moaned in frustration when his attempts to push his hands underneath Isaac’s shirt ran into a small complication. Isaac was wearing another shirt under the flannel button-up, and it was a bit tighter. Isaac pulled his lips away from Kyle’s, and Kyle followed until he realized that he looked as desperate as he felt. One of his hands made it between the shirts and Isaac’s skin now that he could see what he was doing. And Isaac kissed his neck, leaving wet patterns up and down one side. The planes of muscle Kyle touched were lightly furred and even though he usually didn’t care for that he found himself getting slightly harder from the texture alone. Kyle looked down. Isaac was as hard as him.

“Do you want to go to my room?” Kyle asked.

Isaac pulled away from his neck. “Yes,” he said. Kyle grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs (though there really wasn’t much pulling involved as Isaac followed nearly on his heels.) After Kyle closed the door behind them, he turned around to find Isaac staring around the room.

“Wow, you’re really neat and tidy,” Isaac said.

Kyle crossed his arms and breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah, I don’t really like mess.”

“You probably shouldn’t step foot in my room. I have stuff everywhere.”

“I just don’t like my own space to be messy. I don’t mind if other people’s places are messy. I mean, Riley’s room is a disaster zone, and I don’t care when I’m there, though I think he does clean it up a bit before I go over—“

“Why are you so nervous?” Isaac asked, glancing over his shoulder at him from where he stood in front of Kyle’s desk, checking out the posters of skateboarders on the wall, his eyebrows scrunched together. He walked closer, slowly, as if to approach a small creature. And Kyle supposed that was what he was at that moment. He took Kyle’s hand and held it in his larger one. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he said and kissed the back of Kyle’s hand.

Kyle wanted to pull his hand back, but at the same time he wanted to allow it to stay in Isaac’s grip, just to prove to himself that he could. “I’m not nervous about that,” he said. He sat on the end of his bed, and Isaac allowed his hand to fall out of his grip.

After a beat, Isaac settled next to him, and Kyle wanted nothing more than to continue to stare at the hardwood floor until the arms on the clocks turned backward and he could have a chance to do this all over again. Differently, of course.

“What is it?” Isaac asked.

“I’m sorry. This sucks,” Kyle said, shaking his head.

“No, it’s all right. If we talk about it, maybe it’ll help you feel better.” And that’s when Kyle realized that this guy sitting next to him was more than just a nice guy who also happened to be attractive. He was awesome. Most guys might’ve bailed by now, but Isaac was sticking around as Kyle went through one of his little neurotic episodes. He placed his hands on either side of Isaac’s face and pressed their lips together. Isaac kissed back, just as feverishly, until he pushed Kyle back onto the bed.

“Wait,” Isaac said, pulling away, his forearms on either side of Kyle’s head. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Let’s not stop this time,” Kyle said and pulled him down for another kiss. He clasped Isaac’s waist between his legs; Isaac attacked his neck, kissing, sucking and biting and Kyle knew there would be marks tomorrow. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He moaned and tugged at Isaac’s shirt.

“Off,” he said, dragging both shirts up Isaac’s back and running his hands along the corded muscle he found there.

Isaac kneeled between his legs and began to take off his shirt. Kyle sat up intending to help him, but he tugged off his cardigan and his v-neck and dropped them on the floor instead, not even having to force himself to let them stay there. Isaac froze, his undershirt pulled halfway up, and stared at Kyle’s chest. He kissed a nipple before lightly sucking and nipping. Kyle moaned and when Isaac looked up at him he bit his lip, a groan at the tip of his tongue. One more nip to Kyle’s chest, and Isaac kissed him. They quickly disposed of Isaac’s undershirt. He was less furred than Kyle had thought. Short, dark hairs grew along his pecs and a thinner trail disappeared into the waistband of the black boxers Kyle could see above his pants. He ran his hand down Isaac’s chest, popped the button of his jeans, and unzipped them.

Kyle pulled at the open flaps. “Take these off,” he said into Isaac’s mouth.

Isaac scrambled up and slid them off, along with his boxers. Kyle lay back and pushed his own jeans and briefs down. Isaac tugged them off and crawled between his legs. The large head of his cock bounced against his stomach as he moved. The rest of him was thick, too. Electricity shot down Kyle’s spine at the thought of Isaac being inside him.

Isaac lined their cocks up, his arms on either side of Kyle’s head again, and kissed him. Kyle wrapped his legs around Isaac’s waist, digging at his back with blunt nails. Then Isaac began to move against him and it was too warm and too much and if he didn’t stop Kyle was going to come.

Isaac groaned deep in his chest. “Fuck.” Kyle moaned in answer.

The friction might have been painful if it weren’t for the sweat and whatever else had accumulated between them that made their movements smoother. Kyle ran his hand over Isaac’s hair, and grabbed his face to kiss him. When taking in air began to become a problem, they broke away, breathing into each other’s mouths.

Kyle’s back arched.

“Isaac,” he said and felt that surge beginning, his thighs tightening.

“You want it?” Isaac said against his skin.

“Yes,” he yelled before it swept through him. He heard moans that were probably his as if they had come from a distance, but he felt Isaac all around him and against him. He moved as Kyle shivered and Kyle opened his eyes in time to witness the image of Isaac coming, groaning and closing his eyes before he collapsed next to Kyle, his panting still heavy.

Moments passed in silence, both of them catching their breath. Kyle felt bone tired, but hadn’t been so happy to feel that way in a while. Isaac kissed his shoulder, and when Kyle opened his eyes to look at him, Isaac smiled, that smile that showed the bit of dimples he had, and Kyle could feel his face cracking into one just as beatific.

They kissed like people without any cares would, and Kyle had no idea how long it lasted.

“So I guess we’ll check out that exhibition another time?” Isaac asked a while later.
Kyle just hummed a reply.

They ordered pizza and ate in Kyle’s room while they watched TV. Kyle fell asleep with his head pillowed on Isaac’s chest, the television still casting shadows across the room.

The next day, Isaac left before noon, with pancakes in his stomach and a crotch sticky with maple syrup. He had hockey practice—preparation for a big game—and needed to leave to get his gear. He parted with a kiss and a promise to call Kyle later. Kyle couldn’t lie to himself. He knew he’d wait for the call like a thirteen-year-old girl sitting next to the phone waiting to hear her crush’s voice on the other end of the line. Had he simply replaced one going nowhere crush with another? No, Isaac was different. He seemed to know what he wanted.

---

“Dad, I think we have enough eggnog. More than enough, actually,” Kyle said into the phone. “The caterers brought some, too, and you know everyone drinks the hard liquor more than the eggnog, anyway.”

“Yes, I know. I just wanted to make sure. I’m on my way back now. I’ll see you in a bit,” Kyle’s dad said.

“Okay, bye.” Kyle hung up the phone and looked around. The caterers had just arrived and were preparing the hors d’oeuvres in the kitchen for the annual O’Callahan Christmas party Extravaganza (what Kyle’s father liked to refer to it as). All family was invited as well as Kyle’s father’s colleagues and anyone from their neighborhood. Kyle extended invitations to friends (free alcohol) but they were often too busy with their own families to attend. The year before, Van had showed up after bailing early on his own family’s little get together. He and Kyle had ended up getting drunk and playing videogames in Kyle’s room until they passed out as the sun rose. What little he could remember of it, Kyle remembered fondly.

The sound of the doorbell echoed loudly through the house. It was odd because the caterers had already arrived and they knew they could leave and come back in through the front door freely and Kyle’s dad would just walk in.

Kyle walked quickly through the foyer to answer the door, eager to see who had arrived to their extravaganza so early. What he encountered was the most unexpected of the things he’d imagined. He hadn’t answered any of Van’s calls or texts and Van had known from that lack of response not to show up at Kyle’s work. But there he stood on Kyle’s porch, handsome as usual. Instead of his customary shaggy hair, his hair seemed somewhat styled and shorter. He wore a simple black button-up, which always looked good with his dark blue eyes. And flowers. He had flowers in his hand.

Kyle could only stare.

“Hi,” Van said.

“What are you doing here?”

Van looked the most tentative Kyle had ever seen him. He looked down at the ground, the flowers hanging upside down in his hand. They were pretty yellow ones. Kyle had no idea what they were called.

“I wanted to see you in person. To talk,” he said. He offered the flowers to Kyle. Kyle looked at them and then at Van and even though he’d never admit to it in a thousand years, he liked the thought of receiving flowers from a guy and here Van was with a bouquet.

Kyle accepted them from him. “Come in,” he said. After closing the door behind Van, he directed him upstairs to his bedroom. They walked the whole way in silence. Kyle sat on the edge of his bed, unable to do so without remembering what he and Isaac had done there. He looked at Van, waiting for him to say something. Van glanced around nervously.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I never meant to hurt you. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true.” He sat down next to Kyle and rubbed his hands against his pants. “I want you to be happy, and I thought that you’d be happier dating someone who’s good enough for you. I’m definitely not.”

Kyle wanted to laugh. How could he think that Kyle would believe that load of bullshit? Who says that and means it?

“Do you really mean that? Or is the truth what I thought it was the whole time? You don’t actually have any feelings for me,” Kyle said.

“That’s not true. I like you a lot. Why else would I be so affectionate with you all the time?”

Kyle thought about all the times Van had touched him when it wasn’t necessary—the hands around his waist, his insistence on Kyle sitting in his lap, the random kisses, which were less frequent but still happened—and then he felt stupid. But no, Van was the one who’d been callous to him, the one who’d continued their strange flirtatious exchanges. He had no right to make Kyle feel stupid.

“I’m not talking about attraction. I’m talking about more than that.”

“I know,” Van said, his voice beginning to get louder.

“What do you want from me?” Kyle asked, moving to stand in front of Van.

“Anything you’re willing to give me.” He placed his hands on Kyle’s hips and pulled him forcibly until they were only inches away from each other. Van stared at his lips, and Kyle was surprised that he didn’t have the same urge, the same longing, to kiss Van as he did to kiss Isaac. Van moved in to push their lips together, and Kyle wanted to know why things had shifted, so he let him continue until no space existed between them.

It felt good, yes, but no electric thrill ran up his spine. He thought about Isaac and his dimpled smile and the way they could talk about serious things and touch and not just have great sex.

He broke away from Van who by this time was moving his lips against Kyle’s.

They locked stares and Kyle knew that Van had realized that he was too late.

“I’m sorry,” Kyle said. “I can’t do this.”

“I understand,” he said and looked away, his jaw clenched tightly. He wouldn’t allow himself to show how hurt he was, Kyle knew.

“Can we stay friends?” Kyle asked.

Van shook his head. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea. I don’t think I could keep my hands off you, and you obviously have someone.”

“What makes you say that I have someone?”

“You’ve moved on.”

Kyle bit his lip. Van was right. It didn’t feel as good as he thought it would.

---

Isaac attended the Christmas Party Extravaganza, although Kyle had told him that he shouldn’t feel obligated because he’d have to meet Kyle’s father and that might be awkward.

When Kyle met Isaac at the door, Kyle decided he’d made the right decision. After he introduced Isaac to his father, his father shook Isaac’s hand and said it was nice to meet the guy he’d heard so many good things about. Both Kyle and Isaac blushed, and Kyle’s father patted Isaac’s shoulder before he went off to attend to his depleted whiskey, leaving them alone in the kitchen. Isaac wrapped his arms around Kyle’s waist and Kyle stood on his tiptoes to peck Isaac on the lips.

“Merry early Christmas,” Kyle said.

“Merry early Christmas.”

Yeah, Kyle had made the right decision.