Hell She Screams

Chapter Two

The Naked and the Rare

He snatched the papers from my hands. He knew what they were. Everything that related to my classes, I kept in my backpack.

"Artie, come on now. I just got home. What are you, high?"

He did not answer me. He sat down on the couch and flipped through the pages. "Why don't you put a guitar to these?"

I sat down at the table and lit a cigarette. Artie's voice was calm, and even, broken up only by his Southern accent. He read through the songs, mumbling to himself. Artemis had stopped going to school at a very young age. His ability to read was limited. During the sentence we served together in prison, I had taught him basic phonics. Before this, he could not sound out words. In monotone, he stumbled over the words in a couple of the pages before stopping. Reading was mentally exhausting for him.

"You don't always have to be there." He said to me.

I looked down at the table, bemused. "Always in the kitchen?"

"No, always..." I could tell he was struggling to find the words he wanted. "Sad and shit. Bad shit happened, yeah, but there's no point in letting it come back to you every day. You need to forget about it. Again."

I blew out the smoke. Artemis' capacity for compassion and sympathy had a ceiling. I know you're hurting, but there's a solution. Always the same simple solution. "I'm not getting high, Artie. I've been down that road. It landed me a cot in prison, remember?"

He shrugged. "That's not what record says you were in for."

I punched the table, rising so quickly my chair shot backward across the tiles. Artemis jumped. "Shut the fuck up, you asshole!" I screamed, jabbing my cigarette towards him. He was twice as big as me, but I couldn't give two shits. "I'm not getting high, alright? I'm not!" I drew a deep breath to calm myself. "I'm not getting high. That's the end of it." I sat back down and took one last drag before snuffing it and leaving the room to take a shower. Artemis continued to stare solemnly at the pages.

Five minutes later, there was a rapping on the door. Artemis liked to shoot up in the bathroom. I did not understand why. He dropped a spitball down the sink once and tore the pipes off to get it. Why he could not just do it anywhere, I would never understand. I ignored the knocks, until they became more frantic only a moment later.

"I'm showering!"

"I need a shower, too!" Her silky voice sang out.

I quickly leaned over to unlock the door. I grinned like an idiot, water dripping off my nose as my head hung out of the curtain. "Starr. Hey, baby."

She slid in the closetlike bathroom. She bit her lip and brought her long nails through her hair, brushing it back and out of her sage, almond-shaped eyes. Her dark locks fell around her narrow shoulders. She pulled off her top. Her breasts were spilling out of the black lace. I sometimes wondered how every part of her stayed the dazzling bronze all year long.

I was stunned every time I saw her, completely in awe of her beauty. Completely in awe that she would even be seen with me, let alone, be like this. Oh, god, this. I pulled her into me and she giggled, her warm lips tickling my ear. Her gentle touch was like lightning shooting through me.

I turned my head and caught those glossed lips with mine. I kissed her gently on her lower lip. Then again on both. I busied my hands with the task of unlatching her bra. I kissed her deeply as the I slid the straps off of her shoulders and let it fall to the ground. Her skin was so warm; her breast burned as they pressed against my chest.

Starr attempted to take control, as she always did. She pushed me back and stepped into the shower and beneath the current. Her jeans clung tighter to her thighs. She kissed me harder, and her hands began to wander. I sought to regain dominance. I spun her around and pinned her against the wall, pressing my lips so hard against hers my teeth bruised the inside of my mouth. She tried to get her control back, to press me back and maneuver. I grabbed her arms and held them to her sides. My tongue intertwined and pressed against hers, playing with hers.

I drew back to get another look at her breasts, the water taking her golden shade as it beaded upon her. I kissed her chin, her neck, downward. I licked up the water as I went, tasting her nectarous skin. I returned to her lips to give one final kiss before --

She bit down.

"Shit!" I threw her aside. She lost her balance and fell. Her head slammed the faucet. I stepped out of the tub and grabbed my towel. Being rough was one thing, but this was a step too far. Fear set in before I could think. It was just Starr. Starr was not dangerous. I tried to rationalize. I was twenty-one, not eight again. I was beginning to calm myself down.

I brushed my fingers against my lips and looked at them. Blood.

"Crazy bitch!" I spat. My attempt to console myself was crushed beneath an uprising of fury. My thinking had lost all semblance of logic.

She pulled herself up, glaring at me. "I didn't want to go that far, yet. You wouldn't let go."

Yeah, because that was rational. "You always want to go that far, Starr. You're a whore. A slut. You dress like one and you climb into showers, half naked, like one."

"Oh, please." She rolled her eyes as she replaced her bra. "You know that I don't have sex unless I'm stoned."

"Well, I certainly can't tell the difference. You're insane either way."

She slapped me. I shoved her back against the wall. The force knocked the wind out of her. "Bastard." She mouthed breathlessly.

I leaned down to her. "Are we gonna go or not?"

She leered at me, and then pointed to the inside of her elbow. She was seriously going to get me ready to go, then leave to get high.

"Fine. I'm leaving then." I buried my face into her wet hair and pressed my lips against her ear. "Amuse yourself."

I walked out and slammed the door to the bathroom. It was the only door in my studio apartment. I dug through my dresser, tearing out clothes and banging drawers as I went. I dressed in blue jeans and a button up shirt.

"Don't go, Ryan." Artemis said. "I'm sorry. I'm sure Starr's sorry. We just have to do it, man. Okay? You know how it goes."

Artemis slid a large hand over his shaved head. A frown revealed more wrinkles than I had realized he had. He was only ten years older, but the stress over those years made him look twice that. I could tell he really was sorry. Guilt made him want a needle. I really did not want to be there.

I left the apartment and took off with Natalie to the bar. I do not shoot heroin. I do shoot alcohol. Tonight, I really could not have that much. I had to teach in the morning. Nothing sucks worse than facing thirty inner city high school students, bright and early, with a hang-over.

I walked in and the bartender waved to me. Either he worked more hours than any man should, or I came here far more often than I realized. I sat down and he brought me a Washington Apple and a beer. I tipped him with a five for saving me from having to order. I swiveled around on my stool and watched the club. I recognized a few members of the senior class, but none from my first period. I was relieved and disappointed. I ordered another beer.

I leaned back against the bar, taking the occasional swig of my beer as I scoped out the dance floor. The dancers were mainly women about my age. Almost everyone was in their teens and early twenties. They called it a 'fresh' scene.

There was not a lot of men there that night. It was one of those nights the ladies got in free and most of them did not bring dates. That was fine with me. It just meant some asshole was not going to come around and threaten physical violence on me for 'eyeballing his broad.' I smiled, took a shot, and enjoyed the scene. Long smooth legs, short skirts, skimpy tops. If I had the entire night to drink, eventually I would get up the courage to dance with one of girls. It was too bad I was not going to spend that much time drinking. Tonight looked like a promising night. The only thing that would have topped it, would be watching Starr's face as I seduced another woman.

A few rounds in, too few, I decided to leave. No point in being completely inebriated tomorrow. I watched the women dance for long enough. I was beginning to look like a stalker.

"Um, hi." A woman was pushed up to me by another. She stumbled, almost hitting me.

I wasn't sure what she wanted. I took a step to get around her without answering. Clearly she had had too many. At any rate, I could not stand women who threw themselves at men, even if it was me.

"Hey!" She called out.

I stopped. Did I know her? Oh, god, was I supposed to know her? Some forgotten one-night stand or someone I had insulted in a drunken stupor? I turned slowly, rolling my eyes. "What?"

"I just- I just wanted to say that." She stammered. "Say hi. And now I did, so... sorry."

She was nervous, and upon a second glance, she was hot. Tall. Flowing brown curls. Thick lips. A perfect instrument in the task of getting my mind off of Starr for a few hours. I smiled and held out a hand. "Ryan."

"Oh? Oh!" She shook it eagerly. "Linda."

"Linda, would you like a drink?"

She looked at the bar for a long moment, then shook her head. "No, I've had enough, I think."

Had enough. I was lost. Beautiful woman doesn't want to drink, but approaches me in a bar. Was she cutting straight to it? Slut. At least it was a different slut than usual. Variety is the spice of life. I sighed.

"Were you leaving, too?" She asked.

"That was the original plan, yes."

"Do you mind?" She pushed open the door.

"No, I guess I don't." I said the words as though they were epiphanous. Together we stepped out into the windy parking lot. She flattened her skirt and walked with me to my car. My heart began to pound, excitement rushing through my veins. This was too easy.

She walked right passed Natalie.

"My car's right here." I yelled out to her, pointing in case my standing next to it was not obvious enough.

"I was walking to the park. Did you want to go?"

No. I did not want to go to the park. I wanted to lay her across the backseat of my car. I wanted to finish what Starr had started. Women always had to play their stupid little games. It was not cute. I took a deep breath so as not to tell her that to her face.

"Um... sure." I said instead. I wondered for a moment whether she was insane. We were going to the park. We passed up the opportunity to do it in the car, where I had a pack of condoms and another opportunity to drive to one of our places. Maybe she wanted a more public place?

I walked quickly to catch up to her.

"So, what do you do?" She asked, apparently pleased with the prospect of company.

"I teach. High school."

She grinned. "Really? You look a little-"

"Young. Yeah, I know. Technically, I am too young. The school's had two shootings in four years, so getting people to work there is a chore. They hired me at twenty-one with only a GED."

"Really? You're not afraid of them?"

"The kids? No, we're actually really tight. I have kids come to hang out in my room during free periods and lunch just for the hell of it. They're awesome."

She nodded, and was silent for a moment, considering her next words. Then, she turned to face me completely.

"I don't want to have sex."

Damn. That threw me off. She was blunt, if nothing else. "Okay. What do you want to do?"

"Have a conversation with a stranger." She looked at her feet while she walked. She seemed bothered. She may have been a bit more drunk than I had realized.

"Like, what kind of conversation?" This whole thing seemed a little strange to me.

"About... About life. I'm going through some really difficult things and no one seems to understand. My friends all come off like their annoyed or burdened by me when I need to talk, so I just have all of this... this," she waved her arms around in a drunken attempt to show me what a 'this' looked like. "I can't stand it anymore. I just want to talk. I just need someone to listen to me."

"What if I don't care?" I asked, curtly.

"You're nobody. I don't care if you care."

Touchė. "Alright, let's just say I listen to your little worries and woes. What do I get from it?"

"Someone to listen to your 'little worries and woes.'" She said, shoving my remarks back down my throat. I did not have to do this. I could just walk back to my car and leave her drunk, insane, and broken.

I could have, but I wanted exactly what she had sarcastically offered. I began.

"I haven't been able to focus lately." I just started talking. There were things I did not talk about. Ever. I wanted to say them to her. To a complete stranger.

"Why not?" She asked. She was trying to sound casual, but the excitement crept into her voice. She loved that I was playing along.

"I'll have something to do. Something right in front of me. Then, my mind goes somewhere else. It's like I can see in vivid detail things that happened to me a long time ago. I can't control it. Something, anything, will trigger it. A voice, a smell, a word, a place... then I'm gone. I can see it all happening again. All the emotion comes flooding back. I'm eight and terrified, I'm twelve and disturbed, fifteen and angry, sixteen and trapped, eighteen and guilty."

She stopped walking and looked at me. Her eyes looked at the two of mine. "You look depressed. Tired."

"Insane? I get these thoughts, these conscious nightmares. I just watch these movies in my head and I start to feel sick. I can't shake it, because it's all anger and the more I try to suppress it, the more it hurts. I feel ill all of the time. I have these mood swings. I want to scream and cry and be violent. I slam things, throw things. Anything to relieve the pain. I was an addict at one point. Now, I just write. I try to write it all away. Do I need therapy?

"Maybe I have some post-traumatic thing, you know? A couple months ago I was seriously contemplating killing myself. Not for the first time. I just, fucking, want to forget it. Forget everything. And I can't! I remember it so damned perfectly. My life gets better, but I still can't shake these feelings. It's like I've fallen into a sinkhole and can't claw my way out. It's exhausting just to keep my head above the mud. There's no moving on for me."

We stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time. I laughed to break the silence, "You had no idea what you were getting yourself into, did you?"

"No, it's okay! Really, this is what I wanted. Just to say anything with no inhibitions. That's the point." She nodded reassuringly. "I just got out of a divorce. I don't really know what's what anymore. We didn't have any kids, thank goodness. I just feel... incomplete. I had this future. I knew what I wanted and how and when it would happen and who I would share it all with. And now? I start all over again, like some child on her own for the first time. It's not fair. It's not fair! I didn't do anything! I fell in love, then got blind sighted and left behind." She shook her head and sat down on the bench.

I nodded. "You're pissed off. He was supposed to be there to take care of you."

"Yes!" She shouted. I took a seat beside her.

"He promised! He just left you out of the blue and took your sense of security and self worth with him!"

"Yes!" She agreed, louder this time.

I knew this. I knew how she felt. "And now you're alone!"

"Yes, damn it!"

I kissed her. She kissed me back. This connection was what I needed. In my entire life I had never had such a perfect understanding of another human being. We had know each other for only moments. We had known each other for a lifetime.

She drew back, chest heaving. "Ryan."

She was about to tell me how she felt the same sense of relevance and union. I already knew. I nodded.

We sat on the bench for a hours. There was an agreed, tranquil quiet. We stared out into the night, comfortable in the other's company.

"Orion." I stated, finally.

"What?"

I pointed. "It's the only cluster of stars I know. Orion. A mighty hunter."

She laid her head on my shoulder. I played with her hair, letting the curls fold around my fingers. I felt at peace. She was not like Starr. This was something indescribable and rare. I needed this. She was what I needed.

"Do you want to do this again?" She asked, sitting up.

"Yeah, actually. It was nice, you know?"

"Okay, Wednesday, then? Same time?"

I nodded. "Wednesday at the club."

"Here."

Yes. I agreed silently. No place was so perfect as here. I kissed her cheek and watched the red rush to her cheeks, unconcealed by even the cloak of night.

We each bid the other a good night and walked in different directions. Relief washed over me. I felt good. Even my blood felt warmer. This was my high.

Artemis and Starr were drinking when I came home. Every light was on, music was blasting. I could only imagine what my neighbors were telling the landlord. Artemis was leaning back on the couch. Starr was stripped down to only a bra and panties, stretched out so that her legs were on Artie's lap.

I slammed the power button on the stereo. "Starr, I see you finally decided to take off your clothes. Really too bad I wasn't here to see it."

"You see me now, don't you?" She stood up and I was even more enraged to see the thong, laced and see-through, a pair to the bra. She and Artie were friends. Artie and I were friends. Artie and I were not close enough friends that I would allow him a full frontal of my girlfriend.

I snatched her arm and dragged her over to the dresser. "Get dressed." It was not a request.

She yanked her arm from my grip. "In what, asshole? All my clothes are soaked. I have them out on the fire escape to dry."

"And I bet you walked out there just like that, too."

Starr said nothing.

"Yeah, I know you did, fucking whore. Find a fucking T-shirt to wear and have some fucking decency. Some self-fucking-respect. You could act like a lady once in a while."

She pulled a shirt out from the dresser and pulled it over her head. It was not as long as I would have liked, but it was an improvement.

"How do I look?"

I sighed. I was in such a good mood earlier. I really did not feel like getting upset, especially over Starr. She was about the most disappointing person I knew. I really had to teach myself to not hold her in any regard or to any expectations. She was just a beautiful body. She could be fun. She was just best in small doses. If I wanted a party, or if I wanted rough, insane sex, that is when I would call Starr. I had very little patience for her beyond that. I could tolerate Starr. I did not see the things that others saw in Starr. The saddest part: we were dating; she was one of the people I was closest to.

"You're boring, kid!" Artemis said, tilting his head back. "Don't you remember when the two of us used to tear it up! Where have you been? Where's my little Ryan?"

"He grew up, Artie. He has a job and responsibilities and no time for your choice of pastimes. Don't you have work in the morning?"

"Yup!" He bellowed. "I'm working a ten."

One thing that could be said about Artemis is that he always showed up for work in the morning. He could be high as a kite or stumbling and dehydrated from a hangover. He always showed up at the site, no matter the distance away, and worked outdoors for the entirety of the day. He even worked on his days off to get the overtime. He said it was for me. He left me money on the kitchen counter once a week. He bought groceries for my apartment, while his trailer remained bare. When we got out of prison, he stuck around to teach me to live on my own. I was indebted to him.

"Thinking about getting to bed? It's already after one." I nagged.

He just smiled. "I don't know. You headin' that way?"

I nodded to him and switched off all of the lights. He laid flat on the couch and pulled the throw down onto him. It barely covered his torso, buy he never complained.

I stripped down and got into bed. Starr crawled beneath the blanket with me. I was going to stop her. Going to. She stripped off the T-shirt and tossed it to the floor, then cuddled up to my chest. Her silky hair smelled of vanilla. I hated her. I hated the fact that I could not bring myself to actually hate her. I slid an arm beneath her neck and pulled her into me. She was asleep in minutes.

She was so calm and beautiful. Her breathing was a soft, harmonic. I trailed my fingers up and down her arm. She nestled closer to me. This was the Starr I agreed to date. This was when we met, in the darkness, like secret lovers. She felt safe in my arms. I felt protective of her. A perfect bond between a man and a woman. At least until morning.

I did not love her. I have not the slightest idea why guilt kept me awake that night.