Get over it

GET OVER IT

Chapter 2
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It was weekend. Jesse hadn’t seen Gabriel for days, even when he missed the man every minute. He had decided to try and get rid of his feelings. He had started meeting Sarah again, had even spent a night at her place. But the more he tried, the emptier he felt, the more his heart ached. So he was happy when his team invited him to one of their big get together’s. He could drink and forget his problems.

And he would also see Gabriel…

The whole team was together and drinking in a bar with friends. There were so much of them in the bar that they filled the whole place. Jesse had invited Sarah to go with them too because everyone else’s girlfriends were coming too. Jesse was sitting by the counter, staring out on to the dance floor. It was easy to pretend to watch Sarah though in reality his attention was completely on the tall man dancing with the girls. They seemed to be having fun as they wiggled and waved on the floor, yelling something into each others ears. Suddenly the two dancers froze and stared at each other while the music went on and everyone else kept dancing.

Jesse stood up, still glaring at the dance floor where Gabriel and Sarah stood still. Then Sarah turned her eyes on Jesse and Jesse stared back. She looked angry, mortified even. Jesse frowned. What the hell had they been talking about? He hurried towards the dancers, though it was slow going with all the people in front of him. As he approached them, Sarah suddenly turned and ran to the opposite direction. She grabbed a friends arm and dragged her away too. Gabriel stood frozen, waiting for Jesse. When he finally arrived to him, Sarah had already vanished from the small bar.

He glared at Gabriel and walked past him. But something kept him there, he would prefer to stay with Gabriel than waste his time running after Sarah. “What did you say to her?” he asked warily and Gabriel smiled back. “Just the truth.”
Jesse stared “Which is…?”
Gabriel suddenly stepped closer, took his arms and spun him around, laughing. “Want to dance?”

Jesse growled and tried to free himself but of course Gabriel’s grip was stronger. “Fuck you.”
“So no?” Gabriel shrugged and let go of him. Just then Sarah friend wound her way to them and stopped in front of Jesse, she looked irritated “Sarah went home. She told me to tell you that if you want her to come back, you have to go and bring her here.”
Jesse snorted. Damn as if he would run after the chick if she wanted to act difficult. He turned away from the girl. “Let’s go out?” he asked Gabriel and the man nodded. The look on his face made Jesse look back with surprise. Gabriel had suck a sad smile on his face. Jesse ground his teeth together and started to fight his way out of the bar, Gabriel at his heels.

As soon as they were out of the door, Gabriel took his hand and dragged Jesse around the corner and away without an explanation. Jesse yelled at him, tried to yank his hand free and Gabriel just glanced at him. Jesse couldn’t fight back, he didn’t find the will, because he really didn’t want to fight back. So in silence they walked the empty streets. Jesse’s hand burned as Gabriel’s strong fingers kept a firm hold of him. But he wasn’t trying to fight his hand free anymore. He followed willingly until a while later they arrived to a nearby beach.

The sun was just setting behind the water, the gulls were really loud. And it was really beautiful. Gabriel dragged Jesse all the way to the edge of the water where he sat down, finally letting Jesse go. Silently Jesse sat next to him on the sun-warm stone ground, dangling his feet towards the water. For once Gabriel stayed silent. And this time Jesse hoped he would speak and fill the quiet with his babble.

He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to talking, Gabriel always did that. And it felt stupid to start talking about nonsense, the moment was too… precious for that, he didn’t want to ruin it because it could end so suddenly, he knew, with just one careless word or sign. So they sat there in silence until it was almost completely dark.

Suddenly Jesse felt Gabriel lean closer and his arm touched his. “I need to tell you something.” Gabriel whispered, his voice sounded rough, like he had to fight to speak. Jesse didn’t dare to answer.
“I’m leaving soon and it’s… it’s really important to get everything said before I’m going.”
Jesse nodded as a reply though he doubted Gabriel saw it in the darkness. But the man still continued.

“Are you happy?”

The question completely surprised Jesse and he stayed mute even when he felt Gabriel’s gaze on his face in the darkness. It would be so easy to say the truth here in the darkness. One word, the truth that he had never dared to say aloud to anyone, not that anyone had ever asked it before. He stayed quiet for so long that it was getting more and more difficult to break the silence. Then Gabriel sighed and when he spoke, Jesse could hear the smile in his voice.

“I don’t want to go back to Sweden. I have nothing there. Here-“ he stopped in the middle, like he had already said too much. He sighed again, very deeply and rubbed his face in his hands, Jesse could hear and feel the movement next to him.
“Shit, this is hard.”

Jesse waited. Now he really didn’t dare to say anything. This was hard for him too, he could feel the pain flowing from Gabriel and grabbing him in it’s tight embrace too. It was difficult to breath. If Gabriel said something- would he reply? Could he break his shell in this darkness? What if it would break him too? What if, when the lights would return, there was nothing left of him, what if the truth didn’t set you free, what if it broke you?

“If I take your hand, are you going to push me into the water?” Gabriel asked, laughing a very nervous laugh. Jesse was relieved of the sudden break in tension. Now he would really have to speak, Gabriel wouldn’t be able to see any other reply. Unless…

He moved his fingers and felt his hand shake with nervousness. Gabriel’s hand was so close that he didn’t have to move but an inch and it was there, warm and big. Jesse slid his fingers carefully across the back of Gabriel’s hand and suddenly it moved, turned around. When he reaching the fingers, it was curling in reply to twine around his.

They sat in silence. Jesse’s heart was thundering in his chest and he felt like he should throw himself into the cold water below. What the fuck was he doing? Holding hands with a guy?

Holding hands with his best friend.

Holding hands with the man who meant more to him than anyone had ever meant before him.

He had to say something. because no matter how meaningful and important this moment was, it would eventually stop and he couldn’t bear the thought of Gabriel walking away from him. But he couldn’t open his mouth, his lips felt dry and his throat thick. His heart was in pain and his whole body was shivering. But he could not open his mouth.

Time ticked by, too fast for Jesse, while his head started to ache and his eyes started to sting and his teeth ground together. He fought so hard. And then he heard Gabriel’s low voice in the darkness.
“We should head back.” the man whispered, his breath ghosting Jesse’s ear. He was so close. Shivers ran down Jesse’s back. He nodded but refused to move. Gabriel’s hand squeezed his and then started to loosen. Finally he let go of Jesse’s hand and jumped up gracefully.

He offered his hand to Jesse, who staggered up with numb feet and stumbled, falling against Gabriel’s chest. His hands grasped the taller mans shirt and he couldn’t move. His breath caught in his throat as he leaned against the warm body, smelling his intoxicating scent. He could have imagined it, but he knew he didn’t, when he heard Gabriel’s low voice whisper into his ear. He was so close and smelled so incredible beautiful. There was a hint of a smile in the voice.
“Don’t tempt me.”

Then Gabriel was stepping away and Jesse had to remove his hand from his chest. He was glad it was almost completely dark because he was pretty sure he was blushing.

And felt like crying.

He sighed deeply and let his arms drop, stepping away. He could still see Gabriel’s form in the darkness and it pulled him closer but he couldn’t move. Then Gabriel whispered “Let’s go”, turned around and walked away.

It took a while before Jesse could follow, he felt so horribly lonely.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He was seven years old and had just kissed his first crush, a boy who had pushed him away and told him to go away. “Homo!” the boy had seethed and ran away, leaving little Jesse behind, confused and ashamed. Now he was in their house garden, under the slide, crying. And then his big brother came home, Jesse heard his heavy footsteps from inside the house and then the garden door slid open. Janne had always been so strong and brave, Jesse really looked up to him. He was only 8 years older, but the age difference was so big that Jesse always thought that Janne was almost an adult. He was his hero.

So when Janne came to him, messing up his already messy blond hair and snickering at his red eyes and the tears he tried to wipe away quickly, he hugged his big brother and told him the whole story, hiccupping and trying to calm down, feeling his big brother’s strong arms around him, comforting.
“I tried to kiss a friend who I really like. But I was just shoved away and yelled at.” he cried, clutching Janne’s shirt tightly in his small fists.

Janne just laughed and lifted him up onto his knee. “Girls your age are always like that, if she shoved you, she must really like you.” he winked. Jesse sniffed and wiped away the tears, his hand still holding Janne’s shirt. “But my friend is a boy, is it the same with boys?”

The whole demeanour of his brother shifted from calm and relaxed to furious and threatening. Jesse tried to back down, but Janne’s hands held him still, no longer comforting him, but squeezing, hurting him. His face was twisted with anger and he whispered cold words trough his teeth.
“You- never ever try to kiss a guy again. It’s sick! If mom and dad find out, they will send you away and everyone will hate you. It will ruin your life.”

Jesse stared at his loving big brother with wide eyes, sobbing again, now from shock and fear. “But I really lik-“
Janne shoved him to the ground where he stared up at Janne’s angry face. Then the taller boy leaned over him and lifted him up by his shirt. He couldn’t touch the ground with his feet anymore and cried out.
“Fucking never say that again! Never! Do you hear me?”
Jesse nodded repeatedly until Janne dropped him to the ground.

He stared down at his little brother and mumbled something, but Jesse couldn’t make out the words and was too scared to ask. Then Janne walked away and Jesse crawled back under the slide, crying helplessly.

~ ~

Jesse woke up, covered with sweat, alone in his bed, surrounded by darkness. It wasn’t the first time he had a nightmare about that day and he knew what had brought it up this time.

He rubbed at a long scar on his shoulder and rolled over, curling to a tight ball and tried to fall asleep. He didn’t want to think about it. He never wanted to think about it, ever. But now he couldn’t help it. He knew it had left him not only physically, but emotionally scarred as well.

His fingers rubbed against the scar over and over until he sat up and rubbed at his tired eyes, staring into the darkness. Some unconsciousness part of his brain brought back memories from just a few hours ago when he had sat in the darkness with Gabriel; of the comforting and safe warmth of the other man next to him.

Now he really felt the weight of his loneliness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next week was bigger agony that Jesse had ever felt. Things were not well with Sarah and she refused to talk with Jesse. They saw each other daily but she didn’t talk to him, if you don’t count the “what do you want on your bread” and “Is this movie ok?”- talk.

Gabriel was not around. He said he was busy with setting things together for the move when Jesse tried to text him. He didn’t dare to call. He couldn’t handle hearing Gabriel’s voice. But he missed him so much that his heart ached. And he was getting even more horrified.

A few days later he was lying in his empty apartment alone and thought. He didn’t like thinking, because it always led to things he wasn’t ready to face. But this time he realized he would have to make some big decisions if he wanted... what? But at the same time he kept thinking that maybe things would just settle down when Gabriel went away. Maybe he would forget him.

He didn’t sleep at all that night. Even few days without the other man seemed to make him too restless to do anything.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And too soon it was the night of Gabriel’s going-away-party. Two days and he would be gone for good.

Jesse had asked Sarah to come with him, to distract himself. He was horrified of the fact that he might suddenly burst out crying if Gabriel spoke to him alone. But she had refused and told him to come to her when it was over. He promised he would. When in all reality he couldn’t think straight and had no idea what he wanted to do. Or well, he had an idea, but...

He had only seen a glimpse of Gabriel during the whole week and couldn’t wait to see him tonight. Jesse was dressed in his best, wearing clothes he knew he looked drop-dead-gorgeous in. His dark blue, tight jeans that hugged his butt and his nicely cut t-shirt, with a logo of his favourite band, showed just enough of his well-formed body.
And he was noticed when he entered the bar. Many of his team mates’ girlfriends turned their heads when he walked in and straight to the bar to order a drink. He knew he would need it. He completely ignored everyone, not even saying hello to his team mates. They had decided to keep the party in their usual place, a bar that played a lot of metal music. The whole place was rented for the team. Jesse didn’t really like metal, but Gabriel adored it so he was ready to endure.

Gabriel arrived a little later with a few of his other friends. And almost killed Jesse.

The Swede was wearing black, tight leather pants and a black Amorphis t-shirt with the “Thor’s hammer” sign on the front. His dark hair was on a loose ponytail and he hadn’t shaved, he had a little bit of black eyeliner on, which only accentuated his huge, green eyes. He looked ragged and tired and incredibly hot.

Jesse was glad he was sitting in a corner alone because he was sure his eyes were wide as plates and his pants felt too tight. He spilled his beer to the floor and refused to get another one when one of his team mates offered to buy him a new one. He couldn’t stand up.

Soon Gabriel was at their table and it was loud and impossible to talk and everyone was around him. Gabriel hardly even glimpsed at Jesse after saying a quick hi to him. Jesse stared at him and tried to get his attention until he got too pissed off and got himself a large, strong drink.

Gabriel was smiling kind of tightly but seemed to try to have as much fun as he could, went dancing with some of the guys and girls and Jesse watched. Then Gabriel got invited to the neighbour table and sat down as Jesse stared at him. And then he was dancing again. It was incredible that he could look so good dancing, being over two meters tall. You would imagine his dancing looking uncomfortable or lanky, but he could dance! Jesse was not happy. Actually he had a weird feeling in his stomach that made him want to throw up. He blamed it on the drink.

Finally Gabriel left the dance floor and walked towards the exit, turning to the door of the bathrooms. Jesse waited for a while and then followed. Maybe he would finally get a chance to talk to him! He was starting to feel pissed for being ignored, he had thought they were good friends and this might be one of the last times he would ever see the man. He had to swallow as a strange tightness threatened to close his throat.

He almost ran after Gabriel into the bathrooms but he was nowhere to be seen when he entered the big room. He could hear a clatter in one of the cubicles and without thinking pulled the door open.
What he found behind it, made him go pale and almost throw up. His chest felt too tight and tears that he did not want to be shed rose to his eyes.

Gabriel was in the small toilet with a strange guy who had Gabriel’s cock in his mouth. The tall man seemed to be enjoying himself, pushing the smaller mans head back and forth. Jesse stared. His legs refused to move. He wanted to rage and throw the smaller guy the hell away from Gabriel, but he just clutched the door in his fists until suddenly he realized Gabriel was staring back at him.
He said nothing, nothing showing on his face.

And Jesse ran.

He threw the door shut after him, thrashing a mirror on his way back to the bar. He stumbled on people and threw them out of the way and ran as fast as he could out of the bar, not caring about his team-mates who suddenly seemed to be everywhere. He ran around the corner and had time just to kneel when he was already throwing up against the wall. Before he realized what was happening, he was almost laying on the ground, choking a scream of rage against his arm.

He heard the footsteps but refused to look.
He still didn’t look when he felt someone step close and kneel next to him.
He flinched when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Gabriel whispered. “But I had to do that. I had to prove it because I couldn’t believe it until I tested you.”
Jesse choked in his words and the yell he was going to yell turned into blubber of misunderstandable words. He was shaking all over and couldn’t stand so he fell against the wall just barely missing his vomit. His eyes felt wet but he didn’t remember crying.

“Please Jesse. I need you to say it.” Gabriel said with such a low and desperate voice that it finally calmed Jesse down the slightest. What? He glanced up at the dark haired man and the expression on his face froze him. He had never seen Gabriel look so serious and so sad. His hand was still on Jesse’s shoulder.

Thoughts were running in Jesse’s mind. And then the anger rose again. He stared at those beautiful, big, green eyes and hit the man on the chest, hard. Gabriel fell to the ground on his back and coughed, choking.
“What the fuck do you suppose I do?” Jesse yelled, standing up staggering “Continue where he left off?”

Gabriel looked slightly surprised and then he lowered his head and sighed, still sitting on the ground.
“Man, can you be denser? You had to see that. You would never admit it yourself so I had to test you and now I know you care about me. You have no idea, do you!” he was speaking loudly, but didn’t yell. Jesse stared down at him.

“Fuck you! Go and get that blowjob finished.”
He staggered away before his arms could reach for Gabriel, before his legs would refuse to work and before those tears that were burning behind his eyes would burst out. And as he ran away, they did. He barely made it home and when he did, he fell to the floor and couldn’t get up anymore.

It was over.

~~~

TBC