A Father and A Brother

I started to become snippy to Ben, though I\'m not sure why. Maybe because he wasn\'t seeing what I had to go through for him. Maybe because I wanted him to save me somehow. When he came to my bed I would cry as he held me. He repeatedly asked me what was wrong. I just held him tighter.

In the following weeks Ben grew increasingly worried about me. I became thin and withdrawn. I was always tired and my schoolwork suffered. Then came the day he decided to follow me.

I had no idea he was my shadow. He skipped all of his classes and all of his after school activities. He was just about to wonder if it was all in his mind when he followed me home. He watched his Father greet me at the door in our now usual way. Father pulled me into his arms at the door, and stuck his tongue in my mouth. Then as I went limp with resignation, he\'d pull me in the house. Ben was shocked and outraged. He sneaked in the back door to catch his Father. He was standing in the hallway when we came through the living room.

I felt Father pause and I looked up. I gasped to see my Brother. “No.” I started crying as I realized he knew everything. Yet, a part of me was relieved.

Ben was shaking with rage, his fists clenched and unclenched. “Let her go!”

Father chuckled and tightened his grip on my waist. “Hello Son. Come to join the party?”

Something in that seemed to unhinge Ben. “Get your filthy hands off her. Now!” He took a few meaningful steps in our direction.

The man at my right laughed. “What if I don\'t? Will you hit me?” he didn\'t wait for an answer, he swung me in front of him. He lifted me up until our lips touched. I was too weak with weariness and remorse to protest this time.

Ben paused with shock, but then sprang into action. He ran the few steps and wrenched his Father\'s arms from around me. As I dropped to the floor like a discarded doll, Ben punched his Father in the mouth. Father dropped to the ground and slid back a foot. He was unconscious.

I looked up at Ben. He was breathing hard staring at the man at his feet. He turned to look at me, and for a second I saw hurt, rage and fear in his eyes. As quick as I saw them they were gone, as his expression became soft and full of love. He fell to his knees next to me. “Are you alright?” I would\'ve laughed at the absurdity of the question if I wasn\'t so tired. I just nodded. “I\'m so sorry. I should have known he would...” He pulled me into a hug. “I\'m sorry.”

This pair of arms I never wanted to be free of.

He helped me up. “We have to go now.” He said it like it was a foregone conclusion.

I looked at the man still on the floor. “What about him?” I asked worriedly.

Ben found some rope and we tied Father in a chair, then we went to pack. I changed clothes. I decided to leave all of my nightgowns. I wanted nothing that reminded me of him. I packed some food and Ben found the money his Father had hidden. Ben said that he\'d always known that we\'d have to leave eventually, he\'d watched his Dad hide money for years.

As we passed through the living room we discovered that Father was awake again. I cringed but Ben took my hand. I was stronger with him.

Father\'s lip was split and he spit blood on the carpet at our feet. He glared at us. “Where do you think you\'re going?” He glanced at our suitcases.

Ben grinned confidently. “Away from you.”

Father\'s eyes narrowed but his mouth twitched up in a smile. “I knew you wanted her for yourself. Or were you jealous for another reason?”

I glanced at Ben to see what he\'d meant by that. I saw Ben\'s jaw tense and his hand gripped mine a little tighter.

His expression eased. “You\'re right Father, I do want her. But I\'d never take what wasn\'t given. Now. We\'re leaving and you\'ll never be able to touch either of us again. Oh, and don\'t try to find us, you will not survive the encounter.” he growled.

I looked at Ben with new eyes. His Father had touched him too? That would explain allot. My heart bled for him, and raged with a new fire for the man in front of us.

More than that, the realization that Ben loved me more than a sister seized me with full force. My heart fluttered and felt lighter than it had in many years. I realized in that second that I loved him in that way too!

Ben turned to leave but I stopped him. “Father, you may have wanted me, but you only ever had a piece of me. Ben has, and has always had, all of me.” I turned and cupped Ben\'s face in my hands. He was surprised but very happy as he looked into my eyes. I leaned in and kissed him. His hands slipped around my waist. He felt incredibly right. I didn\'t have any knot in my stomach or feel like I was dying at his touch. I sighed and slipped my arms around his neck. He smiled in the kiss and pulled me closer.

We heard Father growl in rage but we didn\'t separate until we were ready.

When we came up for air we saw and heard only each other. We packed everything into the car and left town, never looking back. When we finally stopped for the night we called the police from a pay phone to let them know there was a dangerous man tied to a chair. We let them know where then hung up, not giving our names. We slept in the car for several nights. We decided to change our names and live someplace far away so that we could never be found. We made our way to Florida working odd jobs. We had to lie about our ages but no one seemed to care or notice.

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Ben was awesome. He never asked me for things I wasn\'t ready for. He didn\'t even hint that he was thinking about them. He knew as well as I did what that man had done to us. We still never spoke about those \'topics\' again. It was always understood between us that that was the past. Better lost and forgotten.

We finally made it to Florida and after some time we both found steady jobs. One particularly good day we had just found a cheep place to live. It was run down and full of odd smells but we didn\'t care. It was ours. Ours together.

We sat on the floor after dinner and Ben had his arms wrapped around me. I leaned my back into his chest and sighed. I couldn\'t remember a time when I was happier. I tilted my head back to kiss him and he seemed pleased. I suddenly felt like this was right. No matter what, his touch couldn\'t be bad. When that realization hit me I started crying. Ben immediately asked me what was wrong, afraid he\'d done something to me.

I couldn\'t speak so I got up and knelt in front of him. I took one of his hands and laid it on my breast. I felt him try to pull away, trained over time what he shouldn\'t do. I shook my head. “I want this.” I said in a quiet voice. “I want this with you. You won\'t hurt me. You can\'t hurt me.”

He understood. I knew he would. He always does. I took off my shirt and he did the same.

I kissed him. To ready myself and to reassure him.

He was slow. Careful and gentle. Whatever he may have wanted from me he laid aside to only give me what I needed. We laid down on a blanket with all our clothes off. He kissed me on the lips and started to move down from there.

A new feeling started to build within me. Warmth. Before it had always been cold shudders of death at a man\'s touch. This was so much better. I started to cry again. Ben stopped and asked me again if there was something wrong. I told him he made me so happy I had to cry. He kissed me again, this time with a little more force. Maybe he was trying to kiss out the past. To make me forget. I think it was working because my memory was fading and all I could see was him.

He put his hand between my legs. He watched me to see if it was really OK to touch me there. I nodded, the warmth was spreading inside me. His fingers worked their way inside me and all I felt was bliss. When father had \'taken me\' most of the time he\'d been in a hurry. It was more painful for me. Sometimes he had used lube but not always.

Ben brought his hand out of me and I watched him. His hand was wet with my juices. He smelled it then stuck his fingers in his mouth. My body quivered and the warmth grew more intense. I pulled him to me for a kiss. I tasted me on his tongue. It was nice. It made me want more.

He laid me back down and sat on his knees between my legs. I knew what was coming next. I thought I\'d be scared. I thought I\'d want to run.

Maybe I would have if it hadn\'t been Ben. He leaned down over me and took my hands in his, intertwining our fingers. “Stronger together.” he said softly in my ear. I nodded but I don\'t think he saw. It didn\'t matter. He knew.

He took back one of his hands to help guide his thing into me. I clenched my eyes tight waiting for the pain. “Sue look at me.” I did and he slid into me.

I couldn\'t believe it. It didn\'t hurt. I felt wonderful. He felt wonderful in me. He started moving and I lost myself. I started moaning so I covered my mouth. Ben shook his head and pulled my hand away. “Those are sounds that let me know you are enjoying yourself. Don\'t hide them. They\'re beautiful.”

Gentle words of encouragement and his hands had me starting to relax. I never knew being with a man could be like this. The heat in me grew and I was sure I was going to burn up.

He started to move faster but I wanted him too. I started to move my hips to meet him. He groaned and I loved it. I wanted to make him feel good because he was making me feel good. I slowly changed positions watching his reaction. When I found one that seemed to be his favorite we stayed there for a time.

He reached down and touched my breast. He rubbed his thumb across my nipple and I arched my back in response. I felt something build within me. “Ben?” I was scared. I didn\'t know what was happening to me.

“Shh. I\'m here.”

“I feel like I\'m gonna break.”

“It\'s alright. Go ahead and break.”

“I can\'t!”

“I\'ll catch you and put you back together.”

On his word I let myself break. It was incredible. I screamed his name as my body shattered into a million pieces. He held me through it. He kept moving as I died, in a good way, around him.

He looked like he was in pain. “What\'s wrong.” I asked between gasps once I could find my voice again. I knew he wasn\'t looking at me for a reason.

“Sue!” He sounded strained. “God, you\'re so beautiful! I\'m about to break too.”

I smiled. “I want you to break.” I knew what he wanted. I knew what he couldn\'t, wouldn\'t ask. “I want you inside me. I want your baby. Stronger together.” A tear rolled out of his eye as he paused for a moment. He leaned down and kissed me fiercely.

He resumed his movements and soon he was at his breaking point. “Sue!” He yelled as his hot liquid shot into me. It filled me and I felt lit on fire by it. He collapsed on top of me and he moved to pull himself out. I stopped him. He looked at me with a question but once he saw my face he understood so didn\'t ask it. “I love you Sue.” was all he said before drifting off to sleep.

We laid like that for a long time. Him inside me. Not moving but just being connected. I loved it. I was perfectly happy.

We are family. And we will know how to do it right.

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He stopped reading and let the book rest in his lap. Most in the room were crying.

“Why would she want us to read such a story?” the youngest asked as she dabbed her eyes.

He shook his head. And turned the next page. “Wait, there\'s a postscript.”

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I, Susan Whitlock, also known as Rebecka James, leave this diary for my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. As I wrote this, Benjamin Whitlock, the man you knew as Henry James, has gone before me into Glory some two years past. My own health is failing and I will go to join him soon.

I know most of this will be very hard to read, but you are all strong individuals. Ben and I gave that to you. We never told you of our past because we never wanted you to live with that burden. We also didn\'t want you to feel pity towards us, or hatred for our Father. I will not list his Christian name. Though he is long dead, I don\'t want revenge taken on others. Remember, what ultimately came of that man\'s wickedness was the joining of two hearts together. None of you would be here if it wasn\'t for that man.

Trust in real love wherever you may find it. Look for the good in things. Hold each other close.

I love you all. Sue

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They all were in shock. “It was about Mother and Father.” the eldest breathed.