The Disgust in Their Voices

As I am standing on the platform, waiting for the tub, I stare at the dark, deep tunnel at my left. I’m waiting for the train and as I am, I’m thinking about the time I was here for the last time. Three years had passes since I last took this tube to the university. Not much had changed though; not with the trains that is. My life had changed, but it seemed like the world was still like it was three years ago.
I sigh deeply, feeling irritated I’m not allowed to smoke on the platform. I would like to have a smoke right now. Normally, I don’t smoke in the morning, it will make me feel sick. I’d rather wait for lunch. But this time, I already feel the need to lit one already. But no. It is not allowed to smoke on the platforms. Maybe I will have one just before class will start. Maybe.
But I feel myself doubt at once. I remember they had always been standing outside, having a smoke when we all were in our first year. How many would still be studying here? How many had stopped? Who was still smoking and who had quit? I wonder who I will meet there.
In the distance, two massive lights appear, and the tunnel becomes more and more lighted. The train races through the tunnel and drives past me, stopping only after its full length had left the tunnel. The doors open, and I get in, together with the crowd that had also been waiting for it.
I’m in the train, and as it begins to ride, I stare out of the windows into the nothingness of the tunnel walls. It’s only a few stops, but in the meantime, so many memories run through my mind. I’m still doubting about taking that smoke. I would like to see them again, but I was sure it would make me feel uncomfortable. They would all be in their fourth year and here was I; starting all over again.
Some of them know why I left school. I had told them I had become pregnant, but I never told the entire story behind it. Would they ask for it? I was wondering whether it would give complications. Dan had already been asked some questions of which the answers we both rather kept to ourselves
When the train reaches my stop, I get out. I look bashfully around me, trying to see whether I see any familiar faces. None so far. But I know that as soon as I would leave the tube and cross the street towards my school, I would probably see the first familiar faces.
And I was right. As soon as I approach the front door, I spot three of the girls who were in my class. They spotted me, and at first, they seemed confused to see me.
‘You’re still alive!’ Dianna says, she’s a plump, large girl with short, died red hair. She has a western accent. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine,’ I answer with a faint blush on my face. ‘I’m excited!’
‘But didn’t you left?’ Sarah, another plump girl, with middle long blonde hair asks me.
‘Yes, I did,’ he answer, and I can see the confusion in her eyes.
‘How have you been doing?’ Dianna asks as she offers me a cigarette. I hesitate, but take it from her, lighting it with my own lighter.
‘Very well, actually,’ I answer. ‘I moved out, and I’ve only been taking care of Nathan.’
They all know who Nathan is. We never really kept contact, but we had been sending each other messages on my blog every now and then. They also know who his father was, which still troubles me slightly.
‘Have you got a picture?’ Sophie, the third, black haired girl asks me. I nod, and take my phone from my pocket, searching for a picture of my little boy.
I handle the phone to the girls, who all stick their heads together to see the picture. An ‘Aaaaw,’ is escaping their mouths and I smile, somewhat proudly.
‘He has your eyes!’ Sophie says as she points at the display of my phone.
‘Daniel’s nose!’ Dianna says as she gives me my phone back. I had turned slightly red when she had mentioned Dan’s name, but she did not seem to notice.
‘I know,’ I say, forcing another proud grin. ‘He’s a sweet boy, he can walk on his own now. And he’s learning names as well.’
‘Can’t you bring him?’ Sarah asks me, and I raise my eyebrows.
‘Er,’ I stutter. ‘I don’t know. I suppose I could, but then I would have to carry him around all day.’
‘So you’re starting school again?’ Diane asks me as her eyes widen. ‘Do you have to start all over again?’
I nod sadly.
‘Such a waste,’ Diane replies as she shakes her head. ‘Will you keep your marks?’
‘Yes, the ones I got three years ago are still in the system. I can use them and get exemption for some subjects.’
‘Chill!’ Sarah says and I grin, realizing it was the only bit of fortune this school wanted to grant me.

‘Good afternoon!’ Daniel says to the class as he enters the classroom. This is our third lesson, and I’m not surprised when all the female students in the class great him the hardest. I’m not blind. I have noticed how they talked about him during other classes. They all think the same as my first class did, three years ago.
I am not surprised how cheeky these girls are. My first class three years ago was exactly the same. They asked him rude questions about his personal life. But as the first time, he did not completely answer those. They noticed he doesn’t wear a wedding ring, something I had seen as well three years ago.
‘Are you married?’ the girl in front of me, Nadi asks.
‘Not at this moment,’ he says, sounding uncomfortably. I grin again, as it was exactly the same thing he said when my first class asked him. I know he was married once, when he still lived in Hampshire. But we never talked about it.
We start the exercise in the book, and I’m not surprised about the text we are reading. It’s about first dates.
‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ Lily, the one next to Nadi asks him. I turn scarlet red, and place my hands on my cheeks to hide it. I have been afraid this question would come. They had asked him the same thing three years ago.
I see Dan look at me for a moment before he answers.
‘Yes, I do,’ he says, and a smile appears on his face.
‘What’s her name?’ Lily
‘Naomi,’ Dan says, and the smile on his face was growing bigger.
I feel as if a hand clamps itself around my heart. My eyes grow as he briefly makes eye contact with me, before he looked back at the rest of the class.
‘Naomi?’ Nadi turns to look at me. I managed to crack a smile, hoping my colour had disappeared.
‘Naomi Campbell?’ one of the lads asks. I roll my eyes. I hate it when they -
‘She hates it when you say that,’ Dan says as he points a finger at the boy. I can’t help but smile lovable at him.
‘Why aren’t you married to her?’ Nadi asks.
‘She first wants to finish school.’
‘She’s still at school?’
‘Yes, she studies English as well.’
‘Will you marry her one day?’
I see how Dan’s eyes found mine again, and I shake my head slightly. I do not want to discuss this with the class, and I don’t want to be hurt.
‘She’s still young.’ Dan says as he turns the page of his book. ‘We’ve only been together for three years now.’
‘How old is she?’
‘Shouldn’t we go on with the exercise?’ Dan suddenly changes the subject.
‘How old?’ Nadi asks again.
‘It’s none of your business,’ Dan answers. I sigh, knowing the class won’t like that answer. He had given them a lot of information, but he did not want to say something that was so vulnerable for gossips.

‘Tell us, Sir!’
‘Twenty-two,’ I answer, and everyone turns around to face me.
‘Do you know her?’ Nadi asks. I nod. She looks back to Dan.
‘Yes, well in fact she’s in this classroom,’ Dan mutters and I turn red again. Everyone turns to see me again.
‘You?’ Nadi asks. I nodded again.
I expect them to call us names, say I’m a slut and he’s an old pervert. We’ve heard it before. But I’m surprised when those words don’t come.
‘You’ve got a kid, right?’ Lily asks. ‘With him?’ she points at Dan. I can only nod, as my throat is too dry to speak.
‘That’s so sweet!’ Nadi says. They have all seen a picture of Nathan. But I did not believe the high pitched voice she used. She was disgusted, I was sure of it.
I get up from my place, squeeze myself past the other tables and left the classroom, hiding myself in the study room near the elevator. I do not cry, as that would make me pathetic. But I feel upset things always had to turn out like this. People wanted to be happy for us, but the sound of their voice tells me they are disgusted.
I pace past the windows, calming myself. I feel irritated and hurt, like I always do when I hear tones in people their voices like that. It had been like that since the first time we came out into the open. People were disgusted.
‘Love?’ I hear Dan speak and when I turned to look at him, there is a heavy frown on my face.
‘You could have asked me first,’ I say rather irritated. ‘I didn’t want them to know yet.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Dan says and he places a hand on my shoulder. I feel like shrugging it off, but I had never been able to be mad at him for a long time.
‘They think it’s foul,’ I say as I nod towards the classroom. ‘Like they all do.’
‘Don’t listen to that,’ Dan says and shakes his head. ‘Don’t feel bothered by them.’
‘I’m not,’ I pout. ‘I just feel bothered that you keep telling people about us without even feeling the slightest bit of embarrassment.’
He chuckles. ‘I’m not,’ he says as he takes my hand. ‘And you know why I’m not? Because I love you and I want everyone to know that.’
I look at him and my anger disappears at once.
In our past, he never said he loved me. It was until Nathan was born when he started doing that. I had always wondered about that, but it all felt like the truth to me. So every time when he said he loved me, I always felt touched because of that.
I smile back at him and he squeezes my hand. We briefly kiss and we both return to class, not holding hands because that makes me feel uncomfortable.