To Dwell in Whiteness

Sonya had an incredible voice and there was no end to the songs she
knew. She was an amazing woman, and not just because I could not see
or touch her. I did want to do those things but in all honestly she
did touch me with the kindness and patience in her voice. Soon, I had
her sing me to sleep and likewise requested a song in the mornings to
help get my day started. She always did as I asked...as long as I did
my writing and exercised by swimming in the sparkling pool. Of course
I needed little encouragement to do either thing.

One day things were different. Sonya sang to me as always but I believe
I detected a vague hint of sadness in her voice. This puzzled me but
I saw no reason for alarm. I had become used to life in Sonya's large,
wonderful room. I still wanted to go home but I would be lying if I
said that I was entirely unhappy there with the mysterious voice.

"Did you know that you have just turned ten years old today?" Sonya
asked.

"Oh, I had no idea...that means it must be June 30. It was just after
Christmas that I came here...I think anyhow."

"That's correct, you have been with me for six months now. Have you
been content...even happy during these past months dear Son?"

I had been yet, I shrugged at her question. "It is true that I have
been well treated but I still miss my sisters and my mother. When will
I get to return to them. After all, that's where I belong isn't it?"

Sonya ignored my question but continued. "I'm afraid that today you
must leave here and go out into the real world. I am sorry to give
you this news Son."

Her statement startled me, "do you mean back out into all the white-
ness and nothingness just beyond the door over there? I don't want to,
are you going to make me go? Please explain, are you angry with me?
I promise to finish my story soon."

"I'm not angry at all." Sonya said. "But you must re-enter the real
world...for awhile at least. It's very, very important."

"But why?" I protested angrily. "There is nothing out there, I'll die
with nothing to eat or drink or even do."

"Listen carefully Son...you will absolutely die if you don't leave here
right away. And I will die as well. It is necessary that you leave,
immediately after you eat and drink. I'm sure that you do not want
both of us to die...do you?"

"No, I don't want to die and I don't want you to die either. I'll go
as you wish but I would rather not. Will I be able to return then?"

"Perhaps, but you must go before you can return."

I ate my breakfast with no enthusiasm. I wouldn't have eaten at all
had I been sure that another meal would be forthcoming in the near fu-
ture. Based on my earlier experiences in the endless white hallways,
I was certain of nothing save sheer fear. Why was Sonya doing this
to me? I felt very sorry for myself and suspected that she was lying
about her dying if I didn't go. Whatever the cause, I had no choice
in the matter. I recalled my father's face when he had told me good-
bye. Somehow, his image and Sonya's voice had meshed and together they
were casting me out again. It was not a very good feeling to say the
least.

Trembling with anxiety I stood at the portal of the "real world." I
decided not to beg Sonya to change her mind and off I went. My bravado
vanished quickly however. I had not gone ten paces when I could no
longer hear the music from Sonya's spendid room. I turned to glance
back and my spirits sank down to my bare feet. It was gone, vanished!
I immediately began to sob uncontrollably. Instinctively I turned to
walk back in the direction from whence I'd come. Nothing was there
anymore, only another long white corridor. There was only white space
everywhere I looked. With no other obvious options available to me I
simply started to walk...and walk...and walk.

Walk as I might I saw nothing. Wait, I did find water bottles on two
occasions. This didn't surprise me because the exact same thing had
happened before. At least I wouldn't die of thirst. However, there
was a part of me that wanted to die. Aimlessly I trudged onward, grow-
increasing despondent with every step I took. Every now and then red
hot anger would flare up in my heart. How could Sonya do this to me?
How could my father abandon me and let the pretty lady with the flower
bring me here in the first place. Why didn't my mother and sisters do
more to stop my father? The tears began again.

I paused my endless trek and leaned against a white wall. I shut my
eyes and shuddered hopelessly. At that moment I was shocked to hear
something I hadn't heard in a very long time...footsteps!

I was utterly surprised and amazed with this unexpected development. I
was not alone? Was it Sonya...or perhaps some other lost soul wander-
ing these endless passageways the same as I? I listened as the foot-
steps drew nearer. Whoever it was, they were heading in my direction
and the footfalls were heavy. It couldn't be Sonya, but who...?

I found out soon enough when a very strange man appeared at the end of
the hall and scowled at me. He was very muscular but also very short.
In fact he likely stood only a couple inches taller than I. As I was
only ten years old and average height for my age, that meant the man
was very short indeed. He was bald and his skin was the strangest co-
lor you could imagine. It was very dark and very red...the color of
blood. His ears were large and his nose small. Suffice to say he was
scarcely pleasant looking. He wore a sleeveless shirt and short pants
that seemed to me to been have made of some very flexible and shiny
sort of gray plastic. He also wore high top boots that appeared to be
made of the same material. I hardly knew what to make of this strange
being. The closer he came to me, the odder he appeared. His mouth was
grotesquely wide and sneering malevolently.

My first thought was to run away...but where would I run to amongst all
this nothingness? Still, I was soon to regret that I hadn't at least
tried to flee. He stopped a few feet from me and looked me up and down
before tilting his head and spitting in disgust. "What are you called?
" he asked. His voice was terribly deep and sounded angry.

"I am called Son, I am a friend of Sonya's," I said honestly enough.

"Well Son, I think that I will kill you. What do you think of that?"

"Kill me?" I replied, quite stunned of course.

"Yes, nothing will please me better than to kill you." He...it...
growled and licked its lips in anticipation.

"But why? I don't even know you and I'm sure I've done nothing to you."

"You simply don't belong here in the real world. This is my home, not
yours. And besides, I just want to kill you. However, I love to fight.
If you give me a good battle I might spare you...for a little while
at least."

He came at me and swung his big hammy fist. I darted backwards thanks
to the incredible rush of adrenaline that seized me. The blow did
connect partially and sent me sprawling on my backside. "Ha, you will
be easy to kill!" the thing shouted, his skin glowing red like burning
coals.

I decided that the last thing I wanted to do was die. Certainly not
at the hands of this fiend. He came and stood over me. As he reached
down to yank me to my feet I half recalled someone long ago telling me
that there are certain parts of a man's body that are especially weak.
I drove my smallish fist with all my feeble might hard into the nasty
little man's groin. The effect was immediate.

"Owww," he groaned. "You don't fight fair."

I scrambled to my feet and attempted to run away but the creature re-
covered rather quickly...unfortunately. He slammed my body against the
white wall and I felt all the air in my lungs take a sudden, painful
exit. Even as I gasped desperately for air a huge fist crushed full
on against my face. I felt the bones splinter and break. The entire
world exploded in a flaming fireball of agony. Through eyes choking
with mist I saw the fist coming towards my head again. I really don't
remember anything after that as the lights went out...even the weird
white ones.

I felt rather well when finally I woke. Instantly my fingers went to
my face but there was no pain, no evidence of broken bones, no anything
except my face. I rose and looked around. Yet another all white room.
However, there was food and drink there...the orange drink. Suddenly
I felt starved. The encounter with the muscular little man must have
been a dream I decided. I ate until my hunger was a distant memory.


I had no idea what to do next. Obviously I had been banned from Sonya's
splendid room. Oh how I missed her singing and reading and gentle
probing of my memories. I missed the odd boxes and sparkling fresh
waters of the pool. I longed for my life as it was. I wished that I
had remembered to bring my notebook with me. At least I could have
continued to write. Then again, perhaps Sonya wouldnt' have allowed
me to take it away from where it belonged. I sat there for hours until
I noticed the room getting warm, very warm. Soon I was sweating and
the temperature only rose higher. At last I felt compelled the leave
the "wake up room" lest I roast alive. It occured to me that something
or someone wanted me to get back out into the "real world" as soon as
possible.

Whoever was doing this to me I hated. With no other options I took my
leave of the boiler room and struck out again. I followed a random
route. As far as I could tell it made very little difference. I went
anywhere and nowhere as fast as my feet could carry me. Imagine my
dismay when I encountered the little dark red man yet again. I turned
a corner and he was there waiting. "Unless you beat me in a fair fight
, I swear I'll kill you," he shouted and came at me. I turned and
raced away as fast as I possibly could only to feel him gaining on me
with each step I took. I glanced over my shoulder and there he was,
probably no more than twenty feet behind me and grinning like satan
himself. Maybe that's who he was? The devil. Yes, that was it...I
had finally landed in the middle of hell and this was my torment for
all eternity. For some unexplainable reason this made me very mad.
What had I, a pathetic ten year old boy done to deserve such a sorry
fate? It must have been something my family, my father had done. He
had tried to make amends by selling my soul to the devil. That had to
be it.

I turned and shouted at the little evil man and then charged. My head
became a battering ram and I struck him in the stomach. With satisfac-
tion I heard the wind rush from his lungs...now he knew how I felt when
he'd slammed me against the wall. He staggered backwards, grasping
his stomach. "I'll get you for this," he spat, showing me his crooked
yellow teeth. "I'm going to kill you!" He came at me in a rush.

I yanked the water bottle from the waist of my white pants and brought
it down across the bridge of the little red man's nose. I could hear
the bones give way and my white shirt was splattered with blood. He
covered his face with his big hands, "owww, shit, I'll kill you for
fucking up my pretty nose...you little pale skinned bastard!"

I could still recall the severe pain I'd suffered during my first en-
counter with this monster. I had to avoid that if possible so I went
on the offensive and followed up my first blow with a flurry. The
bottle rose and fell as fast and hard as I could possibly manage. The
fact that I hated this nasty little "thing" made it easier for me. I
pummeled him continuously as he attempted to ward off the blows with
one hand while protecting his damaged face with the other. The bottle
was heavy, made of some material not much different from glass. It did
not break like glass however. My assault continued unabated, my arm
felt strong and did not lack for stamina.

"I give up!" the thing shouted. "Mercy master Son...mercy!"

He groveled on the floor at my feet. I gave him a vicious kick and
turned to run. I ran and ran and ran. Like the wind I ran. I had
taught him a good lesson and it felt exhilirating. Victory over that
ugly beast was mine. And then it all came crashing down.

To my shock and complete dismay, another of these bizarre men stood in
my way. Not only that, he was a bit bigger and even uglier than the
previous one I'd beaten to a pulp. "I'm going to kill you and feed
your crushed bones to the dogs," he shouted and came straight at me.

I screamed a battle cry of my own and swung the bottle with all my
remaining strength. It struck the creature full on the forehead but
to my chagrin the bottle shattered into a thousand pieces. It seemed
a bit dazed but that didn't prevent him from picking me up and hurling
my entire body several feet down the white corridor. I landed with
a pronounced thud and broke my right wrist in the process. He was on
me again in an instant, obviously intending to repeat his fling a boy
technique. I wrapped my good arm around his meaty thigh and bit down
until I tasted blood. Then, when my teeth clamped to his leg I held on
for dear life. He swore, cursed, and growled like a wild animal while
attempting to wrench me free of his leg. Of course this only increased
his pain. Unfortunately for me he finally succeded and through the air
I went again. This time the impact nearly made me blackout but some-
how I didn't. I spat blood and tried to rise to find that I couldn't
quite get it done. I looked up in time to see a boot coming towards
my dazed eyes. Then blackness.

Again I came to feeling perfectly fine and uninjured. This was quite
impossible and I must have gone totally crazy...or something. As
starved as before, I ate and seethed. My rage at this impossible se-
quence of events had reached the boiling point. Eventually I felt the
temperature in the "waking room" begin to rise. In minutes I would
find myself back out "there." I should have been scared to death but
all I could think about was getting even. I wanted to kill those
bastards if that was what it took. Being hurt repeatedly can do that
to you. It was hard to think about anything remotely nice when your
body was being ripped to shreds on a regular basis. I drained the drink
bottle and considered that it was wholly inadequate as a weapon. How
could I be expected to depend on something that would break on those
bastard's rock hard heads?

I eyed the little table where I'd found the weird cookie things that
kept me from starving. The top of the table was light and smallish
but the legs...? I picked the object up and slammed it against the
floor until at last one of the thick hard legs came loose. It wasn't
huge but it had some weight to it. And it appeared to be metal! Now
I felt a tremendously better about everything. I didn't even wait until
the room was to hot for me to handle. I rushed out to find the thing
that had beaten the crap out of me the day before. And find him I
certainly did.

"So you're not quite dead yet I see," he grunted. "Good, now I can
finish the job...but very slowly."

I pretended to run away, but not really. The things didn't seem at all
smart so I was hoping the gimpy leg I faked would fool him. It did.
It caught up to me in no time flat but I whipped the table leg out from
beneath my shirt and planted it squarely in the center of its cranium.
The bone gave way, blood and brains gushed out and the damned thing
dropped dead right at my feet. It was the happiest day of my life...
that I could remember anyhow. I gave the carcass a few good kicks
and shouted at the top of my lungs. Then I went to look for the small
monster.

It took a lot of walking before I ran my quarry down. Of course he
was looking for me too. "Now you're gonna pay you little twit," he
said and rushed at me eagerly. I pounded him to a bloody dead pulp
with my metal club.

Finally, after abusing the corpse of the little red man to a satisfying
degree, I returned to the only other activity available to me. To be
truthful, at that moment I needed a long walk. I sipped some orange
drink before drifting through hall after stark white hall. The more
I thought about it, the more I worried about what had just happened.
Yes, they couldn't hurt me anymore but a creeping shame made me feel
more than a little uncomfortable. Killing sucked I decided. You be-
came the monster you wanted to kill. Only a bigger monster. It was
a very unsettling thought and at last I sat down and cried. The club
was covered with blood and hair and gore but I held it close to my
chest all the same, then fell into a deep slumber.

When I regained consciousness it was not in the waking room like I
had come to expect. Rather, I was precisely in that same place where
I'd fallen asleep. Even more discouraging was the lack of food and
drink this time around. To make matters even worse, I felt absolutely
terrible. I was stiff, sore, confused, and depressed. For once it
was easy to figure out where I stood...at a dark lowpoint. I wondered
what had happened to Sonya. What did she know about those wretched
fiends that had attacked me for no reason? Was I to be starved now
because I'd defended myself...and perhaps done it a bit to well? There
were to many questions and no point in asking them. As always I could
only do what I could do...walk and seek...and hope. That last thing
was becoming increasing vague within my realm of perception.

The metal club was disgusting and smelly. I would have cleaned it had
I the means but I did not. One thing was cerain, I had no intention of
leaving it behind. Wretched though it be, I desired to hang on to my
miserable existence for a while longer. No doubt it would require much
more than a primitive bludgeon to achieve my goal but it was all I had.

I walked and walked and walked down a seemingly endless series of white
halls. Sometimes I passed rooms and I'd peek in hoping for something
to be there...anything. After countless disappointments I eventually
forgot to even look. I just walked until I collapsed. I felt like
I had been buried alive...face down.

Lying there in a state of surrender I faded in and out of consciousness.
I saw, or I think I saw my sisters. They were playing in the yard in
front of my father's house. Try as I might I couldn't see their faces.
One of them said, "why don't we dance for Son?" The other two agreed
enthusiastically. The smallest of the girls ran into the house and
returned with a small box in her hand. This box had a metal rod on its
side. The girl turned the rod several turns. When she released the rod
music came out of the box. It was very melodious. The girls danced
gleefully and I smiled. The music reminded me of the music in Sonya's
room. Suddenly I ceased to smile and my eyes flew open wide. It WAS
the music from Sonya's room. The room must be nearby. I was saved!

Like a drunken bum I stumbled towards the sound. It took a while but
finally the doorway came into view. I glimpsed the shining waters of
the pool just beyond, then staggered through the portal to collapse by
the side of the water. I splashed the incredibly refreshing liquid
onto my face over and over. I also drank my fill. It tasted wonderful.

My table and chair and everyting else were exactly as I'd left them.
My notebook lay in the chair. Food and drink were on the table. I
wasted no time in partaking of the feast. Food had never tasted so
good. I had never felt more alive. Moment by moment the horrific mem-
ories of my disasterous journey through the real world receded behind
the beautiful sensations that a full belly create. A realisation came
upon me then that the food I'd had in the real world was barely half
as filling as the food here.

"Are you well?" a familiar voice asked.

"No thanks to you," I growled, my voice unconsciously taking on some
of the aspects of those same fiends that I had so recently dispatched.

"It was something that had to be done...but now you're back my sweet
Son."

I was still angry but her gentle voice caused me to contain myself,
though it was difficult. I needed answers.

"It was terrible out there, abosolutely horrible. There were creatures
roaming about that tried to kill me but they couldn't for some reason
that I cannot understand. But they could certainly hurt me and they
did. I've never experienced such pain and terror as I just did out
there in your "real world." Now I don't know what to think about you
Sonya. Part of me wants to beg you to never force me to go out there
again and another part of me...a part recently created...wants to kill
you although I'm sure that would be impossible."

"Killing me would be very simple Son. Simply refuse to ever go back
into the real world. Then I would die and I'm pretty certain you
would also."

Her straightforward talk unsettled me. How could you argue with a
voice that was essentially a total mystery to you. "So I suppose that
its time to leave your room already."

"Oh no Son. Stay here and heal yourself. I'll do everything I can to
make your stay as comfortable as possible. Look what I have for you,
a new drink."

I walked towards the table where there were two drinks...one orange and
another purple. I picked the purple drink up and took a huge gulp.
"Why not?" I said.

As soon as the fluid hit my stomach I felt entirely different. I felt
oddly happy and giggled despite myself. "Its...its good to see you
again Sonya." Then I laughed out loud because of course I couldn't
really see her. It seemed like a fine joke. Only seconds before I was
angry and on the edge of a rage. "What is this stuff?" I asked. Only
a moment ago I was filled with resentment towards you and now I'm not.
How is that possible."

"Here, many things are possible...child growing to be a man...my Son."

Certainly there was no arguing those two points. I took another long
drink and enjoyed the urge to smile that it produced. I had decided
that the purple drink was something special indeed. It would be hard
to give it up when and if I ever went home...or back out there. It was
good to be in Sonya's room drinking her drink and eating her food; that
would be enough for now.

Things seemed to return to the way they'ed been before there in Sonya's
strange but pleasant room. I ate, drank, listened to stories and songs,
wrote, and viewed the interesting scenes inside the little boxes. The
purple drink never failed to give me a sense of vague elation. Still,
things were not the same. Sonya sensed this and explained.

"Once one has been in the real world, one can never truly be the same
person again."

"But why is it that those things wanted to kill me?"

"That is what they must do...I can't tell you more. All is as it should
be. I know that confuses you, but make the best of your time here and
not ponder to much on the difficulties behind or ahead."

"Ahead? I suppose that soon I'll be chased back into the painful no-
thingness again?"

"When you're ready and not before."

"And who decides that...another mystery?"

"Yes, another mystery my poor Son. Don't hate me. We all must do
those things that we must do."

"I learned that long ago from my father...I would rather do nothing if
it means I have no part in the decisions regarding my life."

"You are truly special Son, you learn quickly and ask the correct ques-
tions. You progress, and that is what matters most. Our feelings and
fears will always be there for us...you, to explore."

"More riddles," I declared for taking a sip of the purple and gazing
into the box with the farmer. I watched as his pretty daughter ran
happily across a pasture to greet her father. They embraced and I
turned my face away.

Twenty-nine days later I stood once again at the threshold of the real
world. The white was so abrasive I felt compelled to squint. After
breakfast that morning I had fasioned myself a new weapon from the leg
of my breakfast table. It was slightly larger and heavier than the
one I'd had before. Knowing I was about to step back into the vastness
of white and pain made me miserable. Sonya had been so kind...I dreaded
being without her. The feel of the metal bludgeon in my had was the
one thing that felt good. It was a curious sensation to feel good
about something that could kill. However, the feeling was there. I
stepped through the door and began to walk.