From the Shadows

How can he stand wearing leather inside of a room this warm? I wonder silently to myself. Not that I’m complaining or anything. Ramar in leather is like a fantasy, a very harsh and tantalizing fantasy that will bite if I’m stupid enough to try and touch it, but a fantasy nonetheless. And the way he moves, the way he stalks up and down the corridor. I shudder with desire as I watch, careful not to let him notice that I’m observing him.

I try to appear nonchalant and relaxed, but I can feel the tension coiling inside of me even as I lounge against the wall. Is it natural for me to want him this much? Do all the other young wolves like me yearn to touch their mentors the way I want to touch him?

Ramar stops pacing and stands opposite me. He’s pale, I realize, and find myself looking him over for any other signs that something might be wrong. He’s staring at the door, waiting, maybe he’s worried about why we were summoned. No, as far as I know we’re only getting an assignment, nothing more, surely nothing that would warrant the slight glimmer of fear in his expression. Because it is fear, of that I am certain.

Suddenly Ramar turns his head towards me and I am caught in the burning gold of his eyes.

“What?”

I look away, my face flaming. No one should have eyes like that. Eyes that enthrall, that hide his emotions so damn well but make me feel things I’ve only read about in Gaby’s romance novels. I wonder, fleetingly, if his eyes burn as brightly when he’s aroused as they do when he’s angry.

I feel my face turn redder and pray that he doesn’t look down, pleading to any god out there that he doesn’t notice my reaction to him. I know what he thinks of me, that I’m a useless child. I don’t think I could stand being rejected by him; I’d rather have my unattainable fantasies than have to face the reality that he wants nothing to do with me.

But some small part of me wants him to notice, some small part of me whispers that maybe I don’t know him that well. Maybe he wouldn’t reject me at all. I quiver, pushing the fantasy away just as Ramar turns his attention back to the door.

I stand up straighter as I hear the approaching footsteps, swallowing my nervousness and trying to look politely attentive.

The man, wolf, I correct myself, that walks in isn’t the largest I’ve seen but he comes close. Broad shouldered and tall enough to loom over Ramar, his appearance should have been enough to make the beast inside of me whine and hide behind my mentor. But somehow he doesn’t, maybe it’s his grin or the kind sparkle in his sky blue eyes but I feel no fear of him.

He turns to Ramar, holding out a file folder. “Got a job for you, if you’re up to it.” I see something, concern, in his expression as he studies Ramar.

I glance at Ramar. I know that he was taken off regular assignment because of some injury but beyond that is only speculation. He won’t speak of it and whenever it’s mentioned he gets that dark, kind of cute, defensive look about him.

“I was ‘up for it’ weeks ago.”

“That’s not what Gabriel said.” The other wolf says. I frown, even I’ve heard of Gabriel. He’s a magic healer, the one that heals the injuries that can’t be cared for by mundane means. Could Ramar’s injuries have been that bad?

Ramar winces and looks at the file, expression becoming unreadable as he skims through the contents.

The large red headed wolf is still watching Ramar, I feel jealousy surging inside of me. Ramar never lets me look at him for that long without a reprimand.

“It should be fairly straightforward.” The wolf says, “Just a simple patrol over one of the more secure borders. But nevertheless, you’d best take some weapons with you. There’s already another team up there, they’ll bring you up to speed on the whole situation.”

Ramar hands me the file and asks, “What other team?”

“Lena and Jaeger.”

I look at Ramar, wondering if he knows them, and am transfixed by the unguarded smile on his face. I can’t look away; he’s so beautiful when he smiles. He glances at me, still smiling, then reaches out and takes the file from my suddenly numb hands. Nodding an acknowledgment to the other wolf he turns and hurries off down the corridor.

The red head catches my eyes and winks at me as I move to follow my mentor. I blush, and nearly have to run to keep up with Ramar’s longer strides.

We enter another room, this one full of shelves like a library. Except instead of books, there’s an assortment of weapons that I couldn’t name much less use with any kind of proficiency. I follow Ramar over to one of the selves, and curious, watch to see which weapon he chooses. And suddenly I can’t breathe, feeling my body heat up as his hand curls around the handle of a whip.

I turn and move away as quickly as I can, desperately trying to still my reaction to the images that fly through my head at the thought of Ramar with a whip. I put my hand out and steady myself on one of the shelves, then freeze as I hear the snap of the peg supporting it.

I step back as the entire contents of the shelf and all the other’s beneath it on the wall come crashing at my feet. I stare at it. Why? What did I ever do to you that would make you do this to me?

I hear laughter, and look up to see the wolf that had been guarding the door grinning broadly as he turns to go back out, now that he knows there’s no real trouble. I look at Ramar, seeing amusement in his eyes and then I flinch, realizing that there’s disappointment there as well.

“I’ll be waiting in the car.” Ramar says as he walks away, he doesn’t even bother to tell me to hurry.

The moment he is out of sight I bury my face in my hands, feeling shame and the ever persistent arousal that his presence causes. Why can’t I do anything right? If he doesn’t think I am a total fool maybe things could be different. I moan quietly, why can’t anything go the way I wanted it to for a change?

I take my hands away from my face and survey the damage. Three selves downed, the weapons they had carried in total disarray. I bend down, shoving aside a double bladed axe as I retrieve one of the shelves from the wreckage and carefully start reattaching it to the wall. At least everything is kept well clean, so I don’t have to worry about getting dust all over me.

To make the clean up go faster; I think of Ramar, steering clear of all of my numerous fantasies I remember back to the day I first met him. Before I learned anything about him, he didn’t seem as terribly unapproachable as he does now.

Alena, the wolf in charge of all the unmentored young wolves, only summons someone when they’ve done something wrong. So when I was summoned, I assumed she’d figured out that it had been me and Gaby that had been pulling pranks on her assistant, and not Estavan as everyone had thought.

I had my head down when I walked in, ready to take whatever punishment she deemed worthy of the occasion. I wasn’t even aware that Ramar was in the room until he spoke.

“He seems a little skittish if you ask me.”

I looked up to see Alena and then my breath caught as I saw, standing behind her, the most gorgeous wolf I’d ever laid eyes on. He was wearing silk, silk and leather and his dark hair hung loose around his shoulders. He studied me with golden eyes, his expression totally unreadable. I felt shabby standing there, wearing a simple sweatshirt and a pair of jeans.

He caught my eyes and I couldn’t look away; it felt as if he was reaching inside of me, drawing out every secret part of me for his inspection. I tensed up under his scrutiny, hoping that I didn’t in any way dissatisfy him. Finally, he looked away, releasing me from his spell.

“He’s the eldest of my group.” Alena was saying, her voice sounding farther off than it should have, “I could summon one of the younger ones if he is not to your liking.”

“No,” Ramar said, “He’ll be fine.”

I shook myself and turned to Alena, rather confused, “um…fine for what exactly?”

Alena smiled at me, “You’re going to be starting training for regular assignments, Ramarus here will be your mentor.”

“Oh.” I felt elation fill me. Training is something all young wolves look forward to. Because it means that one day we’ll learn all we need and become an actual member of the pack. I looked back to Ramar, unable at that time to name the emotion in his eyes. Now I can, it was hesitancy, and dread. Even then he hadn’t wanted me.

I sigh, depressed, as I place the last short sword on the rearranged shelves. I run my fingers through my hair. It doesn’t help that he finds me annoying. I’ve tried to be more mature around him, but being near him makes me giddy and I always end up making myself look a fool. Like now for example, all I had to do was grab a weapon but instead I broke a shelf and had to reorganize everything to make it all fit on the remaining ones.

I sigh again and head out.

Ramar is waiting outside the car, like he always does whenever I’m running late. I’ve never understood why he never waits inside the car. As I approach he moves to get in the car and I notice the whip and the guns attached to his belt, and moan inaudibly as I realize that I’d totally forgotten to grab weapons of my own.

I hurry around to the other side of the car, I’ve wasted enough time already and weapons probably won’t be needed anyways. If Ramar notices my lack of arms he doesn’t mention it. I buckle myself in, hoping it won’t be too long of a drive.

We ride in silence, from the warm shelter of the garage into the depressing rain. I dislike silence; it’s oppressive and always seems to be way too awkward.

I almost tell Ramar that he should wear a seatbelt just for the chance to say something, and then I bite my tongue to keep the words in. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t like conversations in the car; I shudder, remembering how he made it clear, and look out the window, trying to banish the response that memory causes.

The car stops and I realize we’re there, even though I don’t recognize any of the buildings. Ramar gets out, waiting outside the car as I unbuckle and step out as well before he starts towards the unremarkable door of one of the buildings.

I follow behind him, more nervous than I care to admit. That this is my first real assignment hits me right now. Pretty soon I’ll be a pack member instead of a pup in-training; soon, I will no longer need Ramar as my mentor. I wonder if he’ll treat me differently when I’m more of an equal to him, I doubt it, he doesn’t seem very friendly with anyone.

“Mar! How did you get assigned to patrols?” I hear as Ramar enters, and pause suddenly at the unrecognized voice. “I would think it’d be too mundane of a job for you.”

I grit my teeth and go inside, now is not the time to act like a pup afraid of strangers.

“Gabriel insisted that I take it easy. Meanwhile, I’m educating this pup.” Ramar is saying as I head inside after him, I focus on being nearer to him and on not being petrified of the female. I shiver anyway as I feel her eyes on me.

Another wolf approaches me, I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from whining. He moves his hands and it takes me a moment to realize that he is signing. ’Hello. I am ‘Hunt,’ the dark haired female is ‘TorchMoon’ and you?’

All the hesitancy I hadn’t felt when around the red headed wolf early I feel now. I steel myself, praying my voice doesn’t squeak, “I’m Alistair.” Then my eyes seek out Ramar, unable to say why I’m suddenly so afraid.

The female giggles and I realize that they’re doing it on purpose, using the presence of their own beasts to terrorize the wild creature inside of me. They’re doing it for their own amusement.

I want to be angry with them but all I can feel is the need to get away. Besides, if the look that Ramar aims at the female is any indication, he’s angry enough for the both of us.

“We’ll get geared up,” Ramar says to the pair of wolves, in that dismissive tone he only ever uses with me. “Then you can bring us up to speed, and we can begin our patrol.” Then he leads me away. I know he’s bothered by how close I try to stay to him, but I can’t make myself move away. It’s a pity, I’m still so afraid that I can’t even enjoy being near to him the way I normally would.

Ramar doesn’t voice his annoyance, and I feel better just knowing that he understands. I sigh; maybe this assignment really won’t be so bad after all.