Ennui

Li smiled at the door that had recently been slammed behind the dark haired man he’d been trying to find for the past four years. His hand, his whole body, vividly remembered the touch of Seth’s body. Seth was everything he’d hoped for, physically. Dark brown hair that glistened with gold in the artificial light of his apartment, hazel eyes, brown flecked with green, the perfect height. He was also broken. Li wondered what had caused that, what had stolen the vibrancy he’d read in his writings.

He turned back to the room, pushing things into place slowly. He had heard of Seth from the one he fed before, Jonas. What exactly the connection between Seth and Jonas was now, Li didn't know. Jonas had told Li that bringing up his name may cause problems, though. That begged the question why Li should follow the instructions to find Seth and not speak of Jonas. Li had asked. Jonas only told him that he should find Seth

When Jonas left, abruptly after feeding from Li one night, Li had little choice but to follow through with the instructions. He craved the feeling of being fed from. His body responded favorably to it. Though the immediate reaction was as would be expected, weakness, fatigue, after he slept, he would feel revitalized and be able to move all the furniture without straining.

But, he needed to punish himself. He’d pushed Seth too far, though maybe he needed it. Seth had seemed more alive, more vital when he’d stormed out than when they’d been kissing on the roof. While he hoped that vitality continued, spread, he was still guilty of pushing too hard.

As dawn approached, his limbs trembled with fatigue. He went into his room and collapsed onto the bed. In his mind, he replayed the night, the feel of Seth’s teeth in his neck, his body in his arms, the fire that blazed around him as he stormed out of the room. His hand stroked his flesh, his mind twisting it until Seth’s hand was on his body, drawing out pleasure and when his mind replayed for him again the feel of his neck being pierced, he came. Sleep stole over him after he climaxed and he drifted off looking forward to their next meeting.

It was just past four in the afternoon, a couple of hours before sunset, when Li woke. As he anticipated, he felt restored, better than he had in a long time. He arranged the furniture in his apartment easily. He heard Seth’s door open and close. From what he knew of his neighbor, he should continue to the roof.

When a knock sounded through his door, hope filled him. Maybe Seth had reconsidered, had come to understand what they could have.

“If you ever disturb me again, I’ll…” Seth’s threat dissolved as his eyes widened. “What happened to you?” he demanded.

Li laughed. “I will explain with the door closed. I think you would prefer that as well.”

Seth crossed the threshold looking as if he’d prefer any of a number of other activities. He glanced around the room, his eyes darting from piece to piece. “You had help?” he asked, though his voice didn’t quite sound as if he believed what he was asking.

“No. Have a seat, I’ll explain.” Li’s hands ached to touch Seth again.

Seth took a chair, perching on the edge of it, looking ready to bolt at any moment. “Explain,” he demanded.

Li eased himself onto the couch across from his guest. His body ached to touch, ached to move, to be active. Sitting was too contained for him. “Just as there are myths and legends about you, so there are myths and legends about me.” His leg jiggled with a mind of its own and he could not still it. “You are aware of them, are you not?”

Seth shook his head. “You should be wan, weak. And you’re practically glowing.” He sounded baffled.

“I am one who lives for one of you,” Li managed to say before he had to stand up and pace. “I live to feed you,” he added, wringing his hands.

“But…but…last night.”

“Last night had been four years since I fed anyone.” Li laughed. He was giddy, edgy. “But, as you feed from me regularly, this will all even out. I won’t crash, I won’t fly.”

“I’m not feeding from you again,” Seth protested flatly.

Li turned to face his guest. Seth’s arms were crossed over his chest and he very much looked like a stubborn child. His lower lip even protruded. Li had to fight back a fond smile. “And, why not? Is it not easier, more convenient, to have a willing and able food source at hand?” He paced, moving behind Seth’s chair. “Admit it, you want to feed from me again, don’t you? As much as I want to feed you again.”

Seth stood, turned to face Li. “I will not be trapped in this kind of ‘relationship!’” He started toward the door.

“You want it, don’t you?” Li pressed. “You want to feed from me again. You feel better than you have in ages. Don’t you?” he followed Seth to the door.

Seth turned, his eyes blazing. When Li tipped his chin up, challenging him, Seth’s body again reacted without thought. His mouth was on Li’s throat, his teeth through his skin.

Before Seth could pull back, Li held his head to his neck. His other arm wrapped around Seth’s waist. He could feel the burning, aching fire of too much energy draining from him and into Seth. He sighed, relaxing his hold after a few moments so Seth could pull back. His whole body tingled and he felt more alive, less frantic. Sex did nothing like this for him, but he wanted that with Seth as well, to feel the release of feeding and the release of orgasm at the same time. He wondered if he would be able to endure it.

Seth remained in his arms. He almost laughed with relief. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Why are you thanking me?” Seth asked, his voice bitterly cold.

“Because I needed that. I was ready to fly out of my own skin.” He let his head come forward and rested it on Seth’s shoulder as he had the night before. “I need you to feed from me as much as you need to feed, Seth. Please, let me,” he begged, his arms tightening around Seth’s waist.

“And what else will you demand from me?” Seth demanded.

“Demand? That’s a little harsh,” Li protested, though his head remained on Seth’s shoulder. “Feed from me, that will be enough. If you want, I would like to get to know you better, but please, feed from me.”

“You want me to fuck you?” The question was flat.

Li lifted his head with a sigh. “Yes, I would like that. I would like our relationship to include friendship, maybe even love.”

“Love?” Seth gave a startled laugh. “You are insane.” He pulled away from Li. “Utterly insane.”

Li allowed Seth out of his grasp, though his arms ached to be around him. “What are you afraid of?”

“Fuck off.” Seth stormed out of the apartment again.

A smirk on his lips, Li listened, waiting to see which way Seth would go. There was a long pause before the door to the roof stairs closed. He would wait, eat something, finish unpacking and then go up on the roof. Seth would come to accept their positions, he was sure. As soon as he realized that Li had no intention of giving up.

Did he really want a relationship that neither of them had a choice in? Did he want a relationship that Seth seemed to actively despise?

Hamburger sizzled in the pan. What was it that had stolen from Seth and when? A perfect food source, one that was willing and as attractive as Li believed himself to be should be welcomed. Jonas had told him that Seth had no real preference between men and women, so that wasn’t the issue.

With a sigh, he sat at the table with his meal. He ate mechanically, his mind on Seth, on what he wanted rather than on the food.

He was about to head to the roof when his door opened. “Seth?” he asked as the other man appeared through the opening.

“Why me?” he asked, the door still open.

Li shoved his hands in his pockets. “As much as I’d like to tell you that, I can’t right now.”

Seth put his hands on his hips. “That answer is not acceptable.”

“It’s the only one I can give. I’m sorry. Ask me anything else,” Li said with a shrug.

“Who sent you here?”

“That’s the same question.”

Seth’s face grew stormy. “No, it isn’t.”

“In this case it is.” Li looked away, stepping to the side so Seth could come in if he wanted.

“So, you were sent to me?”

“Partially.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Li stepped away from the door. “Please, come in.”

Seth stood in the doorway a moment longer, his expression uncertain, rebellious. He walked stiffly in the room. He stopped exactly in the center.

Li shrugged and closed the door and leaned against the wall next to it. When Seth turned to him, his arms crossed over his chest, Li sighed. “I was not exactly sent to you. I was told about you. I read what you wrote. I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to meet you.”

“You said as much. Why?”

Li took a deep breath. “When I heard about you, heard your name, I had to meet you. It was an overwhelming urge. I can’t explain it any better than that.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and spread them. “Right now, that’s all I can tell you.”

“Who…?” Seth smiled bitterly. “Of course, you can’t tell me.” He started pacing the room. “And, now that you’ve met me, what do you think?”

Li watched Seth cross the room and halfway back before answering. “I want to know what happened to you. What happened to take away the fire I heard about, read in your stories.”

Seth stopped. “How is it that you ‘read’ ‘fire’ into what I wrote?”

Li crossed to Seth. “I see it now,” he whispered. “I see the passion that lent itself to writing amazing stories that catch the imagination and incite curiosity.”

“What makes you think you can come in and just take…thrust yourself into my life?” Seth’s voice lost some of the vigor that had been in it.

Li could feel the tension beginning to feel the room again. It was different this time, charged, making the air difficult to breathe. “I’m not the only one taking,” he countered. “Not the only one thrusting.” Of their own accord, Li’s arms wrapped around Seth’s waist.

“If you think I’m just going to…” Seth panted. “I’m not giving in.”

“Of course not,” Li agreed, though to what he couldn’t have said.

“There’s no such thing…no fate…it doesn’t exist.” Seth’s head came to rest on Li’s shoulder.

“Absolutely not.”

“I…I…” Seth’s voice broke off in a sob.

Li lifted Seth’s chin and brought their lips together. He moaned softly when Seth pressed into him, deepening their kiss. Step by step, he guided Seth to the bedroom.

Seth paused at the door, breaking their kiss. “What…why?” His breathing was rapid, shallow.

“Because we’re…together,” Li panted out.

“Stupid,” Seth mumbled as he kissed Li again. He started walking backwards, dragging Li with him. When his legs hit the footboard, he was forced to stop.

Li didn’t allow him to break their kiss. He guided them around the end of the bed, their lips still joined. It surprised him when Seth crawled onto the bed, pulling him on as well. It was enough warning though to keep him from losing contact completely when Seth fell to the side and rolled onto his back.

Li did pull back when Seth started pulling at his clothes. “Seth,” he moaned. “Why…?”

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Seth demanded, his voice bordering on angry. “Isn’t it?”

“I…I…want…” Li’s mind refused to find the right words. He pulled back, moving to sit against footboard. “Not…if you don’t.”

Seth approached Li, straddling his lap before grabbing his shirt and rolling them both over so he was kneeling over Li. “I want nothing from you,” he growled out. He then kissed Li so hard that Li was clawing at his back, trying to breathe.

“What are you doing?” Li demanded when he could speak again.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Seth spat out. “You wanted—“

“Nothing like this,” Li broke in, shoving Seth off of him.

Seth fell onto the pillows. “Oh? So, it’s fine for you to force yourself on me?”

“Force…?”

Seth glowered at Li. “What do you call it, then? Coming up on the roof and flaunting yourself like that?”

Li pushed himself up from the bed. “I was not flaunting myself! I was getting to know you!” He stomped out of the room and started pacing his living room.

Seth left the bed and stood in the doorway. “That was 'getting to know me'?”

Li stopped in front of his sofa and ran his hand through his hair. “I wanted to get to know you. I really didn't expect...that.”

“Really? What did you expect, then?” The sarcasm burned the air between them.

“I just wanted to talk to you, to get to know you. That it went so far, I didn't expect that.” Li sighed, kneeling on the couch. “I didn't expect that for...a while.” He twisted so he was sitting on the couch. “I honestly wanted to get to know you first before that happened. But, it...meeting you was...overwhelming.”

Seth crossed his arms. “And, you expect me to believe that? With the way you were coming on to me?”

“I only meant to say 'hi' and get to know you more. I didn't mean to come on to you. That's...I know you won't believe it, but that's really not like me.”

His anger leaving him, Seth leaned against the doorframe. “What is like you, then?”

Li rested his head against the back of the couch with a sigh. “Would you believe that I'm usually shy?”

“No.”

Li laughed. “I don't even like going out to eat. The apartments I lived in before had a gym that was open all the time. I'd go in the middle of the night to avoid people. I work as a private investigator and as an internet business consultant.” He shrugged. “I almost never actually meet my clients.”

“That doesn't sound very lucrative,” Seth deadpanned.

“I've made several investments, as well, when I worked a 'regular' job that allow me to live as I prefer.” He shrugged. “I also adjusted some of my investments after studying your organization, to my benefit.”

“You don't like going out but you work out?”

Li gave a wry grin. “I like how it makes me feel. I feel better when I work out. And, I like hiking as well. I've gone on week long hikes with a high school friend.”

“And now? What will you do? I don't like hiking.”

Li took a deep breath. “I don't expect you to like everything I do.”

“And you expect me to like you?” Seth's voice was cold.

“I had hoped,” Li admitted, mumbling.

“You're a pretentious asshole.” Seth moved to the front door. “Leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you.”

“I can't,” Li whined.

Seth paused, his hand on the doorknob. “You can and will.” Before anything else could be said, he left the apartment.

Li stared at the door, feeling as if his world had shattered. Everything had gone wrong. He’d put so much planning into arriving that he’d completely forgotten to take into consideration that everything could end up like this.