Sin...cerity

The days pass on, and I’ve managed to evade you in the halls because I can’t decipher your intent, the thought of it being the ‘L’ word hasn’t even crossed my mind, mainly because I won’t let it. I don’t make direct eye contact with you 9th period for fear you’ll get the wrong message and talk to me. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! What do you want?! Just leave me alone; I bet you just feel sorry for me is all, well news flash: I don’t need your sympathy. ‘Poor little ole me’ I bet you think that every time you see me. I’m not your little wounded baby bird, you don’t have to nurse me, I’m perfectly able to fend for my damn self. I get overly defensive and or paranoid when people look at me…I’m not beautiful how could I be? I’m too this and too that…just not good enough. I could have all the self-esteem in the world and no one would even notice. Yeah, look at yourself in the mirror and proclaim boldly ‘I don’t need anyone to justify me I am B-E-A utiful!’…bull shit. If they can’t see it, it’s just not there. You can’t fuck yourself…well, I mean you can but where’s the love? You can’t say ‘Hey, self I’m home!’ after a long day at work there’s just no one…no use. It’s all just so bleak.
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I got a 98 on your test, I’m happy and inside ‘I hope you’re proud’…did I just think that? What…why am I more happy to please you than feed my own damn ego…what’s happening to me? That weekend my father beat me again, I ran into the bathroom sunk to the floor and wept my heart out banging on the floor and while my eyes were closed your face appeared. I instantly opened my eyes…squinting, thinking ‘What?’
Monday came…it’s second period I’m in art class working towards the back, I’m bored out my mind with my painting partner being absent so I just sit on my stool chair doodling on a sheet of newspaper humming lightly to myself…I hear a laugh. It’s not just any laugh…it’s yours. It’s so distinctive and beautiful…’Why are you doing this to me?’ I pop my head up and gaze at the open door I see you from behind in the class across from mine talking to the principal (I hate that bitch) laughing. I smile and put my pencil down and try to eavesdrop peering my head up a bit more to get a glimpse of you… ‘I’m falling for you…’ The art teacher comes over and asks why I’m not doing anything ‘Fuck off bitch!’ I want to yell; I tell her about my partner and tells me to go into the closet take out a piece of construction paper and just free draw. I obey instantly because the art closet is in the front of the class by the open door...maybe I’ll get a glimpse of you…but damn you’re already gone. That damn art teaching bitch made me miss my man! ‘My man?!’ I’m pissed, but I trudge along angrily take out a piece of paper and slam the door shut and then trudge back to my desk and draw. I’m in no mood to draw so my eyes drift non-obviously and then it’s you…you’re across from my class leaning back against the wall looking directly into my class. ‘I love you too…wait, what am I saying someone call ‘To catch a predator’! But…then again…he loves me…’ My heart’s racing my eyes instantly focus back on my paper as I try to appear busy my mind is thinking ‘What the hell!!!’ I can’t believe he’s doing this…why me? Why ugly ole me?

I’m petrified to go to 9th…what if I say ‘I love you’ accidentally…you’re starting to consume my thoughts…what if I touch you or if you touch me? No one’s ever done that, I think about you brushing up against my hand and smiling. I think about your scent like the mist of a waterfall so…sweet yet masculine…just like you. Your ass, your ass always bumps my elbow as you walk down the slim rows…I look at it and it’s gorgeous and muscular and perfect. My face turns red with these thoughts and I laugh out loud for no reason…this is happiness. I sit in the back and I pray you don’t talk to me, I don’t even look up at you as I try to just act natural and non-offending…but I want more.
I get home and I take off my shirt and pants…I look down and my panty’s are soaked. Usually, they only get like this from the occasional porno I watch late at night on cable when my dad’s out getting drunk and while my sis is out fucking the town. But none of them get me this wet…I shake a bit. I go into the bathroom and I place my fingers to my wet spot and flinch at how good it feels. To me masturbation involves the slight pinching of my nipples and lightly touching my clit but never ‘entering’ or tasting just very delicate finger work so to speak. I look in the mirror and my cheeks are pink…I’m aroused and there’s only one reason as to why this is and its name is you.