Bittersweet dreams

Sywryn tried her best to stay awake. Her usually bright eyes were red and bloodshot and the sterile whiteness of the medical room didn’t help her stinging vision. The damn lights seemed to glare off everything. For the umpteenth time her eyes travelled back to Alexandra lying in the bed next to her. With her thin body tucked into a formless surgical gown she looked almost….frail. The rhythmic beat of the heart monitor said there was no real danger anymore but Sywryn still felt the need to stay with her anyway. She liked to stay with all her patients for a while whenever she could, even if only to delay the paperwork that built up afterward. The bleeping didn’t help her need to sleep either, it was like a metronome. She barely noticed when the girl slowly opened her eyes, staring blearily at the ceiling above her. No expression of surprise or relief crossed her face at waking up in safety, Alexandra’s features were soft but they remained as impassive as always. Finally she let her head roll to the side, managing to focus on the young woman seated beside her.

“I’m…..still alive?” The sudden sound was enough to make Sywryn jump out of her skin, even if it was barely above a whisper. Sywryn leaned closer, brushing back the strands of her hair that had fallen into her face while she dozed. She smiled, a genuine one, although they were rare nowadays.

“Of course.” She patted the pale hand that had slid out from under the cover. Alexandra didn’t move. “But you gave us all quite a scare for a while…..Are you feeling alright now?” Alexandra was silent, she just stared blankly at the ceiling. Sywryn might have been worried if it were someone else but for the corn haired girl it was probably a sign she was fine. She certainly wasn’t any worse than usual.

“Why did you save me Sywryn?” She blinked, not quite understanding what she meant. Alexandra could say some strange things when she did speak but Sywryn hadn’t expected something so blunt to come out of her mouth. And her tone was so scornful, almost accusing as if it was her fault she was still alive….well it was her fault but that shouldn’t be a bad thing should it?

“Don’t ask questions like that Alex.” She wasn’t quite sure what she was supposed to say. “I don’t want to see you die, I don’t want to see anyone die if they don’t have to.” She tried not to meet her gaze although she could feel her watching as she stood up and busied herself with a needle and a glass vial by her bedside. Magic could do strange things to a person’s blood, an effect no-one throughout history had ever understood but now with the human race in the state it was every patient treated with magic needed blood tests. “You’ll feel a little sting.” She warned as she pushed the needle into her arm as gently as humanly possible. But as she expected Alexandra didn’t so much as twitch, the girl was almost as stoic as Frost. As she stowed away the sample she began to wonder about what she’d just told her a few moments ago. Sywryn tried to think about death as little as possible, something that wasn’t easy with unfortunate souls being wheeled in and out of the hospital almost daily and some of them that had left their mortal world while under her blood soaked hands. But looking down at the thick bandage that covered Alexandra’s shoulder so close to her heart it made Sywryn realise how close she’d come to losing another. There was nothing she could have done to stop it and she knew it but it didn’t stop the pangs of guilt and regret from welling up inside her all the same. “Actually that’s not true……I don’t want anyone to die even if they do have to.”

“But would it matter if I did die?” Alexandra was looking right at her and there was something akin to emptiness in her chestnut brown eyes, emptiness and something else, something worse that made it hard for Sywryn to meet the look with one of her own. Looking down at her lifeless expression she realised Alexandra really didn’t know, the way she spoke it was as if she hadn’t wanted to wake up again, as if she really wanted to die. She could see it but that couldn’t be right could it? Why would anyone want to die? She had always had her suspicions about Alexandra but she didn’t like the way this conversation was turning.

“Of course it would….I don’t want you to die, I try to think of you as a friend, even if you are difficult sometimes!” she said, trying to sound cheerful and reassuring. It was a fairly pathetic attempt. Sywryn squeezed her hand comfortingly for good measure. The blonde’s fingers stiffened just the tiniest amount under her touch as if fighting not to squeeze back and Sywryn’s face fell when she slowly pulled them free.

“Friend?” She uttered the word as if it left a foul taste in her mouth. Rolling over she hid her face behind her outstretched arm, resting on it. “Save yourself the heartache and don’t think of me that way.”

Sinking back into her chair Sywryn fought away the webs of lethargy that had settled into her muscles, this was the most she’d ever managed to get out of the girl and she wasn’t about to leave it to hang like this. But she couldn’t help looking down at her with genuine concern in her mis-matched eyes. She wrung her hands nervously, trying to think of the best way to say what she wanted to say. It wasn’t the kind of thing that came easily to her. She fingered the torn hem of her trousers and decided it might just be best if she said what she was feeling. Biting her lip Sywryn tried to sound as soft and caring as possible.

“Alex….I didn’t want to say anything but……why are you like this?” No response from the body lying on the bed. Could she have expected one? “Ever since I joined up with you I’ve watched you, you barely eat, you barely sleep……it’s as if……you’re dead already.” Sywryn touched her shoulder gently. It felt hard, tense. “I’m worried….if something’s wrong please tell me.” Still no response, just silence and the electronic beeping that followed her heart. “Alex?”

“You think anyone can just tell you anything? Don’t be so naïve, if only it were so simple……I know you mean well but there’d be too much blood if I tried to open up all my old scars for you Sywryn.” Sywryn was shocked to hear her speak in anything above a whisper, certainly a raised voice of any kind. She actually found herself shrinking back under the spiteful force of Alexandra’s eyes, that look scared her; she knew all too well what Alexandra could do if she put her mind to it even if she couldn’t bring herself to believe her team-mate would put her assassin swift movements to use on her. It was just her simple question had sparked an angry fire in her eyes and Sywryn didn’t understand why.

“I know but…..I mean……” She found words failed her and sighed in defeat. “I just don’t like seeing anyone like this……” She was sure she saw her patient’s eyes soften just a little bit but it might have been her imagination.

“Everyone I knew is dead.” She sat up in her bed, not hugging her knees; not looking down into her lap, somehow Sywryn couldn’t imagine her doing that. Instead she just stared blankly at the far wall. She began to pull the electrodes from her skin, the machine beside her began wailing furiously until Sywryn got up to shut it off. Finally Alexandra ran her hands through her sleep tussled hair, smoothing it out again. Sywryn might have found the idea of someone so cold suffering from bed hair very funny if the expression on her face hadn’t been so deadly serious. Then again she’d never seen it anything else. “Everyone I know will die…..” She looked up at Sywryn again but her face seemed softer this time; almost….mournful. “You’ll die too Sywryn. It seems everyone dies before their time these days.” The mahogany haired woman opened her mouth to speak but shut it quickly, she thought she understood but she didn’t know what she was supposed to say about it. She thought back to the time, so many hours ago it seemed, that Alexandra had taken a blade through the chest, one that was meant for her. An action like that didn’t seem like the kind of thing one would do for a woman who was doomed from the start and an idea suddenly struck her.

“If you’re so certain why did you save me?” She tried to keep the triumph out of her voice, hoping that maybe Alexandra would just smile too and this whole sordid business could be over with. She didn’t. Another moment went by as Sywryn started to twirl a strand of her hair around a fingertip, her so called friend just sat still though, not even so much as giving her a glance for her efforts. “Alex……I understand if you’re afraid of loosing us but I promise not to let them die, Frost, Daelan, you, I even promise not to die myself.” Alexandra shrugged her slim shoulders beneath the paper gown.

“You can’t make that promise.” She replied bluntly. “If you’d been there, seen the corpses and the blood and all the familiar faces…….so dead when they’d been laughing with you not a day ago……..you wouldn’t promise me that.” Sywryn knew instantly what she was talking about and looked upon her with knowing in her eyes and pity on her face. The massacre was well known. It was equally well known that Alexandra and Frost had been the only survivors…….nobody knew how and it was a tale they both kept to themselves. She knew much better than to pry into something like that, for her at least she could see the scars on them plain as day, the mental as well as the physical and like Alexandra had said, opening them up might pour out more blood than she could hope to clean up. For a while the motherly young woman wondered whether the pair were all that kept each other going; now she looked at her comrade propped up in bed she realised they were too different people and they didn’t rely on each other anymore than they relied on her. Picking herself out of the chair carefully she went to stand at the end of the bed, wondering if she’d already pried too much and should just leave it be. Something held her back though, she found herself speculating if a few words were all it took, that Alexandra might actually be willing to talk about it.

“I know what happened to you…..and Frost.” She twiddled two slender fingers nervously. “But bottling up all the pain and trying to get killed won’t help ease it…..”Her voice was soft. “And what about Frost? He found a way to carry on didn’t he?” She imagined her stoic, meticulous captain in her mind. It never occurred to her that something might crack that shell.

“He’s just the same as me.” Alexandra’s voice was dismissal enough of that idea, like she was shrugging it off. “But he can’t show it. He is our leader after all.” She sighed heavily, more movement than she’d shown so far. “Don’t try to council me Sywryn….not when you’ve barely spoken two words to me. I’m no simple book to be read…….If you want to talk about it talk to Frost. I just want to forget.” Those last words were whispered with so much longing it threatened to stir some sorrowful ache of understanding within her luck chosen confidant. Still, Sywryn felt the firm rebuttal like a slap in the face. And she’d felt so close to her for a moment! In the end though she couldn’t blame her, she was right, she couldn’t expect her to just open up to her on a one off. Maybe it was her only chance though and she felt like she’d just let it slip through her fingers. She still didn’t want to leave but her sense of decency and respect for the woman were starting to win over.

“All right……are you feeling alright now though?”

“I’m tired…..and my chest hurts.” She said, rubbing her skin through the cloth bandages. A frown crossed Sywryn’s pretty face. Had she missed something when treating her?

“It shouldn’t do……you’d better let me have a look though, if you have some kind of internal injury……” She crossed quickly to her bedside and went to place her hand over the spot the wound had covered. A hand reached out to grab her wrist in a grip that was surprisingly strong for a girl so lithe she was almost thin. Alexandra gently pushed her away, shaking her head slowly.

“No……I’m sure it’s just bruises…….and the pain will give me something to focus on for once…Maybe I can sleep.” She tried to settle back under the cover, closing her eyes, pulling the sheet up to her chin. “Just go away please Sywryn, don’t bother yourself with me. I’m sure Daelan would appreciate you more.” Silence descended over them both after that but Sywryn couldn’t bring herself to make a cutting comeback, she couldn’t even feel hurt at being shoved away like that. Just looking down at her creamy pale face, her eyes closed and watching the rise and fall of her chest Sywryn thought she looked so peaceful. Somehow….even beautiful. She knew that all the girl had to do was open her eyes and the effect would be spoiled once more though, it seemed wrong to disturb her anymore. Inwardly admitting the silliness of her own thoughts she managed a weak smile, even if it was unseen and made her way to the door. Her hand brushed the light switch, filling the room with soft gloom.

“Sweet dreams then….” She whispered quietly and slipped out into the mercifully deserted hallway, heading for the welcoming memory of her own bed.