What It's Like To Be Insane

Camera

December 2001



Red and orange stars invade the blackness behind my eyelids and I want to cry. I didn’t like being up there.



With another click more red and orange stars erupted, and I cringed, my nose and forehead wrinkling slightly.



I heard an exasperated sigh come from the photographer in front of me. I could hear him utter something under his breath from my position seated on the stool, my arms on each edge holding myself up. I felt bare and embarrassed, but I was thankful for my hair, once again, as it was the only thing offering me any coverage as it fell over my shoulders and pooled over and in between my thighs.



“Fleurais, would you do something about your kid?” the man said brusquely to my mother. I flinched, she would be upset. I cracked one eye to peek at my mother and saw that I was not wrong.



She stood a few feet or so from the set with her arms crossed over her chest. She was scowling at me and I didn’t like it. She stepped onto the white sheet that cascaded from the stand behind me to the floor around the stool.



“Annier. Look at me.” I did. “You said you would do this for me. Remember?”



I nodded, my eyes wide and moist as I looked up at my mother. I wanted to do this, I really did, for mother. But I was scared and the man seemed mean and the camera was loud. All the lights hurt my eyes and I didn’t like being in front of these people so exposed.



Father always told me my body was private, and other people weren’t supposed to see all of me, but I thought since Mother said it was okay it would be fine. But I didn’t feel fine. I felt ashamed.



My mother gave me a pointed look before walking back to her position by the tripod while the photographer strode back to his camera.



“Is he gonna cooperate now?” He asked gruffly.



My mother simply answered, “He’d better.”



I sat up straight and looked towards the camera. The man smiled, but it gave me no more comfort than my mother had.



He clicked the camera again and the flash blinded me momentarily.



“That’s better, now…” it was almost a whisper, but I heard each word as if it were my own thoughts. “…spread your legs some more.”



I stiffened. I didn’t understand it, but I knew somehow this was wrong. Very wrong.



“Did you hear me? Do it, I don’t have all day.” He was getting angry.



I slowly spread my legs, knees trembling slightly. I could feel my eyes burning as I willed away the tears that threatened to spill over my cheeks.



“Yes.” He muttered. “Wait…”



He stepped onto the sheet and up to my stool. He lifted his hand up to my face and I flinched away from him, nearly falling off the seat.



“Annier!” My mother started but the photographer interrupted her.



“Fleurais, why don’t you go wait outside, I’ll deal with it.” He said with a smile, but when he looked back at me his eyes were terrifying.



I didn’t want my mother to go but before I could open my mouth to tell her to stay she had already nodded, “Very well…” And she left through the steel door behind her followed by the few other people in the room.



The photographer looked back at me from watching the door shut, “What’s the matter Goldilocks?” He whispered curling his finger around a lock of my hair.



He ran his hands from my fingers that were still clutching desperately at the stool’s cushion, all the way up to my shoulders, making me shiver.



His weight was pushing down on my shoulders and he was so close I could feel his breath on my skin. He slowly stood back up, and gave me a meaningful look.



He touched my face again and this time I sat still, but I didn’t look at him. That wasn’t good enough for him, though, and he placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face up to look him in the eyes.



“So what do you say we loosen you up, huh Princess?”



A terrified excitement rose up in my stomach as I looked into his dark blue eyes. They were pretty and they shined in a mesmerizing way that made me want to touch them to see if they were real.



I nodded slowly because his voice was no longer coarse and the names that he gave me made me feel pretty. His face was quite gentle when he wasn’t scowling and he broke into a smile with my consent, making me forget all about the fright I had felt with him just moments before.



“Good boy.” He laughed at the blush that coloured my pale cheeks and ruffled my hair.



I jerked my head away from the hand threatening to ruin my hair but smiled shyly.



He leaned down and stopped with his lips mere centimetres from mine. I thought he would kiss me, like mother does before I go to sleep at night, but he stayed there and I could feel his breath puffing hotly against my full lips.



After a little while and he still hadn’t done anything I tightly closed my eyes and leaned forward. I closed the small distance between us and pecked his lips quickly, before sitting back with crimson cheeks.



The photographer chuckled and leaned forward again lifting his hands to hold the base of my neck as he brought our lips together again. But this time he held us together longer and I gasped when I felt his tongue on my lips.



The kiss was wet and I wasn’t sure if I actually liked it or not, but it reminded me of what the actors and actresses did in the movies. It made me feel important and glamorous, as if I was the heroin in one of those romance movies at the theatre my mother used to take me to.



When he released me I was out of breath and panting slightly. “Good boy.” He said again.



I beamed up at him, my shyness leaving me. I wasn’t nervous anymore; all I wanted was for him to kiss me again. But he didn’t, with one last caress of my shoulder he went back behind his camera.



“Sit up straight, and spread your legs apart.” I did as he asked this time, still elated from experiencing my first real kiss. “Beautiful. Raise your leg onto the cushion. That’s it…”



After a few more clicks of his camera he was done. He picked up my clothes and brought them over to me, “Thank you, sir.” I whispered.



He grinned, “No, no. Call me Giomani.”



My cheeks burned even more and I nodded, “Thank you, Giomani.”



He leant down and gave me another quick kiss, before kneeling down on the floor kissing me again and again in quick succession. He pulled my feet off the bar of the stool and guided them into the holes of my jeans. He tugged on my hips a little, encouraging me to hop off the stool and pull my pants up.



He reached to help button them up, but I batted his hand away, “I can do it.” Hiding my face behind my shock of bright blonde hair. He shrugged and started kissing my neck while I fumbled with the button.



When I finished he sat back and pulled me into his lap. I squirmed because his tongue tickled my collar bone and he let his head fall back as he laughed at my inexperience.



“You’re so cute…” He pecked my lips, “…and beautiful…” another kiss, “…and so, so young.”



I pouted; no child liked being called a kid. “I’m not young.” I attempted defiance.



“Yeah you are.” He teased.



“No! I’m almost ten. My birthday is in January.” I said proudly.



He just laughed again and went back to kissing down my neck. I didn’t like that, it felt weird and made my stomach feel queasy.



“So how old are you?” I asked



“Nineteen.” His voice was muffled because his face was buried in my throat and his tongue flicked out to lap at my pulse point.



It made me shiver so I pushed his face away from my throat and leaned back in to kiss his lips. I decided I liked kissing him. It was warm and soft and it made my lips tingle. A whimpering sound that I didn’t recognize came from my throat as he opened my lips with his tongue. He groaned and I was loving the feeling of his hands tickling up and down my back and along the sides of my stomach.



A loud bang came from the door and I fell back on my bottom. Giomani was equally surprised and quickly jumped up. He threw my shirt at me and whispered in my ear, “our little secret, huh Princess?”



I nodded enthusiastically, I loved secrets.



He smiled and ruffled my hair, making me frown again trying to fix my loose curls back into place. He yelled for them to come back in just as I was pulling my pale shirt back on.



My mother and Giomani’s assistants walked back into the room. My mother looked apprehensive as she asked the photographer if I had cooperated this time.



“Fleurais, he was perfect. Just nervous with all the people watching is all.” His voice was gruff again, and I was confused about the sudden mood change, but I was still feeling too content to really give much notice. I’m sure the boss will love the pictures, and I’m pretty sure most of them won’t even need much editing, so that’ll mean a bigger check.” He grinned and winked at me. My mother clapped her hands together gleefully.



“Wonderful! I was so sure he’d screw this up for me again. But, oh! This is just so amazing.” I listened to my mother’s perfect pitch and the smile flew off my face and my throat tightened considerably.



I breathed deeply trying to keep the tears from falling while I busied myself with tying my tennis shoes.



Giomani laughed and said, “Well no need to worry, these pictures will definitely be published. And I’m guessing you’ll see a couple hundred dollars per frame used. I’ll get ‘em developed and sent down to the boss, and why don’t you guys come back down next week, same time, and we’ll get down to business?”



My mother crooned and said flirtatiously, “Okay, should I come back alone, so the child doesn’t get in the way of…things?”



Giomani shook his head, not even noticing my mother’s blatant come-on. “No, I think it would be best if Annier came, if the boss likes him we may set up another shoot.”



My mother looked put off, but she quickly had her sweet smile back on her face and swooped in to give him a kiss on either cheek. “Alright then Gino, if you insist. We’ll see you next week then dear. Annier, come.” Her melodic voice rang out as she began walking back towards the door.



I scurried after her to keep up and Giomani patted me on the back as I rushed past. I couldn’t keep the coy smile off my face as I quickly gave a flippant wave.



Once we were out of the studio and in Mother’s car I mentally prepared myself for the onslaught I was sure was to come.



“Annier.”



I turned my face away and closed my eyes, focusing on tuning out the angry ranting that I would be forced to listen to for the next half hour.



“Annier! Are you listening to me boy?” She gripped my chin with the hand not controlling the steering wheel and jerked my face towards her. “Don’t you dare pull another stunt like that, you hear me?”



Her gaze was focused solely on me and the car swerved a little bit, “Mother, the road!”



“Annier Méchant Cass, don’t you dare talk back to me.”



“I’m sorry mother.” I flinched.



“And?”



“I’ll be good next time, I promise.” I shot a smile towards her to prove my words true.



The sharp smack to my cheek shocked me and I quickly had my hand cupping the warm flesh, desperately trying to fight back tears. “You’d better.” My mother snapped at me for the second time today.



I nodded almost imperceptibly and the rest of the ride was continued in silence.



While we were pulling into the driveway mother turned to me with a broad grin painted across her face, “So Dove, what’d we do today?”



I sighed looking down at my hands between my legs, “We went shopping and then you took me to lunch at McDonald’s.”



“And did anyone take your picture?” She winked at me, putting the car in park.



I let out a weak laugh and cocked my head to the side, “Why would anyone want to do that?”



She let out her melodic laugh and ruffled my hair, “Good boy.”



Those words made me think of earlier with Giomani’s lips on mine and I instantly flushed. I rushed out of the car and into the house.



When I opened the door the first thing I saw was my father taking off his tie at the foyer mirror. “Daddy!” I yelled and barrelled into my father’s legs clinging tightly. “When’d you get home?” He’d been gone for the past week on a business trip.



He laughed and lifted my small body up easily, “Just now, actually. Perfect timing, no?” He winked at me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, he hadn’t shaved for a day or two and the stubble tickled and made me giggle.



“It’s nice to see my boy wearing normal clothes for once too.” He was looking at me, but I knew the comment was aimed at mother who was walking in the door after grabbing a couple bags from the back of the car. But she ignored us and continued through the hall until I couldn’t see her anymore.



I grinned at Dad, despite the pang I felt at his comment. I knew, though, he didn’t mean any harm by it. “Mother bought them for me today when we went shopping!” I said spinning around to show him the outfit from all angles.



He rolled his eyes, “Spending more money on clothes? What am I gonna do with you two?”



I giggled and followed him into the living room and sat cuddled close to my father on the couch watching TV until I fell asleep, not even stirring as my father carried me into my room and tucked me into bed. I never even noticed mother never reappeared from her room that night.