Moon Strut [temporary title]

[You may want to note that large space in between paragraphs is my way of showing differences between topic or scene or when I wrote it.Maybe that'll help you read it easier?]

“He doesn’t want to change.”
I didn’t respond.
“You don’t get it, he’s not going to change. He can‘t just become happy.”
“You can‘t be so sure of that.”
No response from him this time, only a sigh. I opened my mouth to form the words to say good-bye but he beat me to it.
“I’m not going to wait forever, you can be sure of that.”
And then...all I heard was silence.

For days after that phone call, I sat around my apartment and tried to remember everything that had happened during the half a year since I had met Takumi or anyone affiliated with him. At first, my thoughts spiraled into one massive, whirlwind of maple leaves, train rides, and wagashi but after many days of constant concentration and rearranging the furniture in my room, I began to remember all the details. I began to actually think about what I had gotten myself into, like I should have done from the moment I had laid eyes upon the stranger standing behind me. He was like a storm that had picked me up and twirled me around in his vortex. I never gave myself time to think, I just went with it. Spiraling up and down in the vortex, not knowing what was going on with me but enjoying every minute of it.
If I had to tell a story of my experiences, I would describe it like the story of Adam and Eve. Both Adam and Eve were innocent beings at heart, living only to live, nothing about their creation was evil. They lived in a beautiful place, with plenty of food everywhere and so many places to just sit down and rest ones body and soul. But there was that snake, that evil snake that sweet-talked Eve into eating the forbidden apple from the tree of knowledge. And then in turn, because Eve had eaten the apple, Adam ate it too, not realizing that although they had been warned against doing the very action that they had done, they would have to suffer the consequences.
And here I am, modern woman, paying for what our mother Eve had done, in many ways doing the same thing. Except, I bit into the evil snake and took down with me Adam.



This next part I remember so vividly, so brilliantly that to this day I close my eyes and the colors and feelings explode into my sight. It was on the train back to Kyoto, 2 months after I had joined the group in their journey across the island; December, dead of winter. The whole week I had been suffering from restless sleeping and fever but I still joined along in everything I could, granted I stayed out of the way most of the time. I would sit myself down in a chair, wrap myself in my many jackets I had acquired along the way and sit and wait, the thing I could do the best.
Some of the best days of my life were spent sitting behind a curtain, listening to Akiyama tune his drum heads, to Takki’s brilliant laughter, to Masa and Shima intertwining beautiful melodies. When I wasn’t among them, I was watching them. All my life I had been in the background and I had grown fond of watching people and learning how they moved, how their eyelashes fluttered when they sneezed, the little things in life that everyone forgets to appreciate. I would watch them all equally, I admired them all, but throughout the days, I would sometimes pay particular attention to Takumi. After all, he was the one who asked me to be his companion, to share in the experience. There were so many things that made my eyes wander over to him time and time again, even when I didn’t realize it. The man, I came to realize, was the embodiment of what I wanted to be. I envied the way he was able to express himself, to present himself to people. I envied it and loved it at the same time and that’s what the underlying cause of my, what began as, infatuation with Takumi was.



Since I had gotten sick, Takumi seemed to fall into the role of my caretaker when he wasn’t busy fulfilling his role of band member. I didn’t mind, actually I enjoyed sitting there waiting, listening for when he would walk by and lay one hand behind my neck and the other on my forehead. I would even wake up at times, surprised and wondering where I was, only to realize that he had moved me into the band’s dressing room during a break, Takumi with an arm lightly around me, eyes shut and head rolled away from me.



“Can I steal a kiss?”
“The only thing you‘ll steal is a fever.”
“So sensible this one...”, a hand behind my neck, a secret smile.


Later, he would tell me that I scared him because of how I had single-handedly changed his perspective on many things he thought unchangeable. Someone so much younger, someone so not like him. Takumi doesn’t like change and he was slowly going from a dry, empty husk of nothing to a moist, pleased something.



It wasn’t until mid-March that Takumi and I ever solidified the feelings we had for each other. I was kept in the dark for months, not knowing whether I was something or nothing to him. Neither Sho, Masa, Shima or Takki ever uttered a word to me of the way Takumi and I acted towards each other. I would catch their glances or laughter, it just seemed to me like they recognized it and accepted it, seeing no need to speak about it. Despite my being Takumi’s “companion”, I grew exceptionally close to the rest of the band, Takehiko out of all being like my older brother. If anyone ever said a word to me about Takumi and I, I was sure it would be him but the most I ever heard him utter about the subject was one morning in early January. It was just after I had gotten over my sickness. The band had taken 4 weeks off in between recording, their way of rewarding themselves for the old and new year. Although not working, we all often found ourselves getting together during the weekends. Not all at once, in a room. Just here and there. This particular day, it was a Wednesday and I had woken up in Masa’s apartment, me on the couch, Shima and a friend of his spread randomly on the floor, Masa most likely in his room. I had woken up because I had thought I heard someone tinkering around in the kitchen, thinking it was Takumi out of habit. But it wasn’t, either me or someone else had left the television on, the source of the commotion I had confused for Takumi walking around the kitchen.
I remember sitting up and watching the t.v. for a bit, reflecting on the past few days. Takumi and I had walked into his apartment after going to get food to stock the kitchen up with. He immediately set water to boil and pulled our cups from a lonely cabinet while I put everything away. After drinking tea and discussing how we should fill the rest of our days until the 4 weeks was up, I brought up Takehiko.
“I miss him.”
“Him.....your father?”
“Well, yes him, but not him!”
He smiled on account of my being vague, thinking it endearing.
“An ex-boyfriend perhaps?”, eyebrow raised, testing.
I shook my head, ”Takki.”
“Ah, Takki. I should have guessed.” he got up to put his cup in the sink but I intersected him and snagged it. He smiled again and moved to the counter with me, ”You know, I never would have guessed that you two would have gotten along so great. ”
I stood at the counter with him, side by side, only letting our feet come into contact, “Takki is like the other half of my mind. He is truly like a brother, and I always wanted one when I was growing up so just because of that I really treasure him.”
Takumi said nothing for a little bit, but then he unexpectedly moved behind me, placing his arms loosely around my waist and his head against the back of mine.
“Maybe you should go call the boys up...”
The way he had said it left me on high alert, thinking something wrong was going through his mind, “you won’t?”
“I think you need it more then I do.”
We stood there together for a couple more minutes, the cream colored wall of the apartment next door turning from light to honeyed through the window. Takumi’s body seemed stiff and if his arms hung any looser, they would be by his side. I didn’t like the way his body was talking but all I could think of to say was, “okay.”
That word of agreement broke the ice that Takumi had encased himself in and he slid his cheek up along my neck to join my warm cheek, his hands snaking up to cover my eyes. I closed my eyes under his palms and I felt his hot lips kiss my cheek. This was his silent message, ”I want to be left alone for now.” Before he took his hands away, I fluttered my eyelids, letting my eyelashes signal my silent consent.
He chuckled and then disappeared.

I ended up at Masa’s that night, Takumi still somewhere in the apartment before I left. If he was not in my eyesight, then that was how he wanted it, I did not go to look for him.
Masa had the karaoke out and Shima had a few of his friends over that I had met in passing over the past few months. Sake was laid out but it was left untouched for the most part. We were all too caught up in the competition we had set up between ourselves. Masa won of course, I posed no threat since I was no way fluent enough to keep up with the fast paced songs and everyone else just couldn’t sing.
“It takes a certain type of person to be able to brag about winning at karaoke”, Shima had said, poking fun at Masa’s hoots and hollers of triumph.
After going to eat, the suggestion of one of Shima’s guests, we ended the night back at Masa’s apartment minus 3. That left only Masa, Shima, one of his friends and I. Our conversation did not last long before I fell asleep on the couch next to Masa. From there I only assume that Masa went to bed and the others fell asleep where they were. That was how I came to wake up on Masa’s couch, watching an obscure Japanese program, wondering how I had deviated from my initial plan that day at the kitchen counter; to see Takki.


We had gotten on the subject of how I had started working on little projects during the days that I was stuck in the studio with the group. I had been thinking about getting a brand on my body to signify this moment in my life and I told Takki this. About how I had sat in the studio for days drawing out simple symbols that could appropriately represent Japan and the band and the studio and everything that my life had turned into. At first Takki was skeptical about this form of self-adornment I was so keen on getting but after my insistence, Takki seemed to accept it and we fell into a comfortable silence. I would look into the bottom of my cup and when I looked up back at him, he would be smiling, the trademark Takki twinkle in his eyes.
“What?”
“Do you know what you’re doing?”
I immediately saw the twinkle go out when he said that, and I suddenly didn’t know what we were talking about anymore. My heart seized up when I realized that he might be talking about Takumi. But there was that little voice in my head that was saying he was still questioning the branding, double checking that I knew it was safe, a duty any older brother felt inclined to do.
“...no”
The twinkle came back and he proceeded to pop a pretzel in his mouth.


I didn’t understand why I was being brought into the argument. I stared, wide-eyed and confused at Shima and then Takumi, back and forth between them as they continued to argue. There was an underlying reason as to why they were arguing, and it had nothing to with Takumi changing the song last minute, it was only sparked by it. At this point I wasn’t even listening to what either of them was yelling, I was leaning up in my seat, hands at my side ready to at any moment push myself up from my seat and leave the room. Everyone in the room was becoming blurry figures, tears impending. Takumi became nothing but a mass of blackness, Shima a mass of amber.
But that was when Takki, for the 2nd time, decided I needed saving. He was the single figure who remained unblurred and as I watched him gracefully make his way towards me, I realized how clear and bright he was compared to Takumi who was a black blotch in my world of grey. Again my eyes went back and forth between the blackness and the amber, the grey, darkness and the amber. Back and forth, back and forth. But it all didn’t matter anymore. In the millisecond that it took to glance at Takumi and Shima, I realized that whatever they were yelling about, it was something that would change the atmosphere around us forever. At that moment, I didn’t care at all what happened to me as long as I was able to talk to Takki about it first. Takki, the protector. The blanket. My solid foundation in this crazy earthquake that was shattering the mantel of the earth as if it were glass.
I reverted all my attention back to Takki and I kept my eyes glues to his as he made his way towards me. When he was close enough to where I could touch the fingertips of his outstretched hand, I lifted up my hand and met his halfway there. Our fingers slid into each others and our hands met in a sudden grasp. I continued to stare into his eyes, pretending like it was only he and I. Actually, I think for those few seconds, we were the only ones in that room.



I waited in the dressing room.



-We met in the middle of the room, our passion forcing our bodies together.
-He gripped the back of my head with both hands and all I could do was kiss him back with the same intensity that he was giving me.
-Takehiko fumbled around with the bottom of my shirt, attempting to pull it off but still too flustered to manage to do anything. I lifted my arms over my head, still kissing him, not wanting to stop unless completely necessary. It was Takehiko who pulled away from the kiss and quickly slipped off my shirt, immediately placing his lips to mine once again as soon as it was off.
-In a moment of uncontrolled passion, Takehiko bent down to my neck and gave it an aggressive bite, undoubtedly leaving a mark but I didn’t even notice. I do remember feeling my eyes roll into the back of my head and I seemed to black out.
-I never once thought of Takumi during our act of unfiltered love until that moment when stars appeared in my sight and everything went black. When my vision returned, I thought that I had passed out and woken up in Takumi’s apartment because I saw Takumi standing in the doorway to his bedroom.
-But I do not regret it. Takumi was never for me to have but neither was Takehiko.