A Blessing and a Curse

I first met Fukashigi Keiji when I was 20. It was after I had graduated high school. My parents wanted me to go to college but I didn't much care for schooling. I found it pointless sitting in a classroom listening to the teachers' lies when I could go out and learn the truth on my own. I got some job delivering bad Chinese food, but on the side I did some dealing. Of course, those two jobs certainly went hand and hand, with me delivering both drugs and food (a boon to the potheads). I did this until I got arrested. It wasn't my fault; the policeman thought I was innocent and was even warning me about pushers in my neighborhood when this stupid kid came down stairs with a gun and a bad attitude. The kid got shot in his leg and I got arrested. My mother's family helped clear the charge, but it was exile for me. I was lucky my Aunt Naoko offered to take me in, otherwise I would have ended up living on a pig farm in South Korea. So I moved to Tokyo to live with her and got a job as a bicycle courier. My dull life needed a challenge, but I didn't want to go back into crime. So I decided to take up Judo again. It was at my dojo I met Keiji.
I remember very clearly when Keiji first came into the Resutoran Dojo. He was only fifteen than but he cared himself in the serious manner of an adult. He didn't look like an adult though, but like a sloppy teenager with his shaggy hair and fashionable clothes. And his eyes were so sad he almost looked like he was about to cry but never did. His image was very disconcerting. If I believed in such things I would think it was love at first sight.
Before I continue I'd like to explain my sexual orientation. At an early age, I think ten, I realized I like both girls and boys and I liked boys more than girls. I decided that it would be easier to go with girls and be a straight guy then go with boys and be a gay guy. I have never even kissed a guy before, even though I have lusted over them. I'm probably the only person to ever chose like that. I appreciate the Gay Rights movement but I'd prefer not to bring any trouble on myself. I never had any trouble over this until I feel in love with Keiji.
When Keiji first came in I couldn't take my eyes off him. I saw him through the sliding doors and I played more attention to him then to the instructor. I watched him as he inquired about the dojo and asked how things were done here. I like a person who does research. Luckily for me my class was ending and I got time to talk to the beautiful boy before he left.
“Hello, my name is Takatsukasa Saburo," I said, using my adopted Japanese name.
“Is it?" he replied, “My name is Fukashigi Keiji. Why did you run over here to talk to me?"
“I just wanted to tell you how great this dojo is," I said.
I then went on a spiel about how great the master here was and what a great martial artist and teacher he was and all the awards he and his students had won. Keiji listened patiently to this as if I was a used car salesman who might lower the price if driven to desperation by his poker face. He was reading me and I was afraid he didn't like me that much. He knew I had an ulterior motive, though I don't think he knew it was sexual. In the end he did agree to join the dojo, because or despite of my ranting.
When he left another student walked over to me.
“Was that Fukashigi Keiji?" the student asked.
“Yeah," I said, “Is he famous? Like a model or something?"
“It's his father," the student said, “He belongs to a certain organization."
The student held up his hand with his pinky down and I understood what he meant right away.
“You should stay away from him," the student warned me.
During the first few classes I had with him I did stay away from him, but only because I was more advanced than him and thus was learning different things. However, one night, when attendance was low, Master Kuma wanted me to show Keiji a certain move.
“Takatsukasa, you will be the uke and Fukashigi will be the seme," he said to me.
“What?"
“You know, Fukashigi will attack you and you will defend yourself."
“I'm sorry," I said, “I wasn't paying attention."
I turned to face Keiji, who stood in a fighting stance. He quickly pushed me hard, harder than you would expect from just a practice. This and the feeling of his warm hands on my shoulders distracted me for a moment, but I quickly recover and moved in my knee throw him back. I fell down on him, pinning him to the floor. Keiji looked up at me as if it were personal, destroying any enjoyment I might have gotten from being on top of the handsome boy.
“Fukashigi, it's your turn now," Master Kuma ordered.
I pushed Keiji in a professional matter, felt a sudden loss of balance and then found myself pinned to the floor. He had really tripped me, not just demonstrated the technique, and it embarrassed me. I looked up at his face and saw him smile his first smile I had seen from him. It took all my concentration not to show my arousal.
"Takatsukasa, you aren't trying hard enough," Master Kuma said with derision, "I'll teach him the move. You go practice."
I slunked off to practice my kata. He was right. I wanted to be pinned by him. I have gotten better with practicing martial arts with Keiji. I can be professional and business-like while touching his body, though I later must find release. So that night I watched Keiji with the burly man through one eye while I praticed.
Afterwards, Keiji invited me out to eat.
“I don't have enough money," I said.
“I have plenty of money," Keiji said. I thought to myself, Yakuza money.
We went to a crowded all-night noodle shop nearby. Despite the crowds, Keiji got a booth. Keiji ordered a mori soba that he ate with plenty of wasabi. He has an appetite for spicy foods. I had the curry udon. I like Japanese curry because it's sweet. We both drank Coke.
“I don't think you are native-born Japanese, though you do speak Japanese very well," he said to me.
My heart fell. I said to him, “You're right. I'm only half-Japanese. I'm from the United States."
“What's your real name?" he asked.
I told him my full name.
“Juu-no-fe-an," he said, slowly sounding out the syllables, “I like that better than Saburo. What does it mean?"
“Well, I'm not sure, but there is a character in the Bible called Jonathan. He was friends with King David. So you don't mind that I'm part Korean?"
“I have nothing against Koreans. It's not like I have a very good lineage either. So, are you a Christian? You mentioned the Bible."
“No, I was raised that way but I never believed that shit," I said, finding a good opportunity to move the conversation, "Anyway, I run around to much with girls to be a good Christian."
“Hmm."
“Keiji-san, do you have a girlfriend?" I asked.
“No." Yes!
“Are you interested in girls?"
“I have taken a vow of celibacy," said Keiji sadly.
Celibacy? This beautiful boy was celibate? It certainly wasn't because “I'm celibate" sounded better than “I can't get laid". He also didn't seem religious. I wanted to know why and how I could make him unchaste.
“If it's not too rude," I said, "may I ask why?"
“Sex and love," he said, looking far away, “take too much energy. It's better that I spend that energy on something important. Besides, it'll just hurt otherwise."
At the time I didn't know love could hurt, but then I had never really fell "in love" before. I had lost girlfriends and felt annoyed about it for a few days, but recovered pretty quick. I thought that was all there was to love and I thought people who cried over lost love were just being stroppy and dumb. I didn't think Keiji was dumb. Why did he let love hurt him? Now I know better about love and how it hurts.
Anyway, we talked some more and I offered to help tutor Keiji in English. Keiji accepted the offer and set the time and place as every Sunday afternoon at the Shinjuku Library. I guess he didn't trust me at either his place or mine. He didn't need to worry, as at that point I had given up on seducing him. I decided it would be too hard and in any case I wasn't going to get involved with another man. Usually with a girl if I decide I can't seduce her I leave her alone, but I still wanted to be around him. I told myself, he's rich and connected, so why not befriend him? Despite my rationalization of our platonic friendship I masturbated to his memory when I got home.
So I spent time with Keiji at the dojo and at the library, but I didn't get any closer to him. I thought to myself, he has plenty of friends his own age, why should he be interested in some older gaijin who didn't seem to have anything better to do than hang out with a fifteen year old kid. This all changed when I got a phone message from him one July night.
“Jonathan-san," he said, his voice weak, "My father is dead. I want you to come to the wake and funeral."
Two days later I went to the wake of Fukashigi Ryuu, the infamous yakuza boss, a man I had never met whose son I barely knew. The wake was held at Zojoji Temple in Minato. My aunt had carefully told me about the appropriate etiquette in this situation but I was still nervous. Did I bring enough money as an offering? Did I bring too much? Was black okay or should I have worn the more traditional white? What should I say? It didn't help my anxiety that this funeral would be filled with yakuza. I entered the temple. Inside the temple was a great altar, and on the altar was a casket. Around the casket there were pictures of the deceased wearing a kimono and scowling. He did not look like a very pleasant man. Keiji certainly didn=t get his looks from him. I saw Keiji standing next to an old woman I assumed was his grandmother. She was saying some comforting words to him, but he simply looked stunned. I walked over to him.
“Look," said his grandmother, “Here comes your friend, Jahnu...nu...something. Be happy!"
“Good morning, Jonathan-san," he said in a mechanical voice.
“Good morning," his grandmother said with a bow, “My name is Ikeda Pimiko. I'm Keiji's grandmother and the deceased's mother-in-law. I haven't heard much about you but I assume you are a good friend of his to be invited and he invited only one of his friends though he does have others I know. My grandson arranged this funeral even though he's only fifteen, isn't that something?"
“Yes, it is," I said, wishing the boisterous woman would go away.
“My husband, may he rest in peace, didn't like my Hotaru's marriage to Ryuu but if he were alive today he would be so proud of his grandson Keiji. Such a handsome boy and he looks so much like his mother it sometimes makes me cry to look at him but I love him so much. Now his mother..."
Luckily, she caught the eye of another person to bother and quickly bid me farewell. I could talk with Keiji now.
I recited the lame line, “I'm sorry about your loss."
“Thank you for coming," he said returning one cliche for another.
“Was it unexpected?"
“No, his health had been failing since the...thing that happened in March."
“What thing?"
“Stop being so noisy!" he whispered harshly, “It isn't your business!"
“You invited me. Why didn't you invite any of your friends?" I asked.
“I don't have any real friends," he said, “You're the closest person I have to a friend. You're the only person around me that I respect."
“Thank you," I said with real gratitude.
The service began and we were separated. Keiji sat near the front as he was the deceased's only son, while I sat in the back as the deceased's only son's unpaid English tutor. I sat next to two large intimating men who looked at me with contempt. The temple was hot with the July air and the many warm bodies and I was wearing an ill-fitting black suit. The priest read the sutra in a dull monotone voice and it seemed to go on forever. It did however finally end and I waited to talk to Keiji. He came to me first.
“Jonathan-san, I want you to stay with me tonight," he said, “and watch the body."
“Um, isn't that only for the closest relative?" I asked.
“I'm the only blood relative he has, and I want you to stay with him."
I couldn't refuse. I hated this stupid temple and wanted to go home, but I wanted to stay with Keiji. I wanted to hold him and stroke his hair and maybe even see his elusive smile. So I agreed. We both sat next to the casket. I watched as Keiji accepted condolences from everybody there. Then the people left and we were alone. We sat in silence, listening to people outside praying, people talking, cars outside, summer insects, and various creaking noises from the wooden structure. It was a very long afternoon.
After we ate dinner (well, I ate) a priest provided for us, Keiji started to talk to me.
“Jonathan-san," he said, “I respect you, but I'm not sure I trust you."
“You respect me but don't trust me?" I asked, “That sounds strange."
“I like your determination and your intelligence and I respect you for that, but I don't know much about you so I can't trust you."
“You want to know more about me?"
“I know you want to know more about me. You're very inquisitive."
“You called it noisy."
“Jonathan-san, nothing is free. If you want information you have to give information. You have to tell me about yourself," he said.
“So if I tell you something you'll tell me something back?" I asked, “So if I tell you something you'll tell me what happened in March."
“Not just anything. It has to be a secret you have never told anyone else."
I decided I would bite.
“Now, my dad is an amateur photographer so he had a black room in the house," I told him, “When I was six I was curious so I broke the lock and went in even though it was forbidden. I went in with a flashlight, and ruined my dad=s photos and just ransacked the place. I then heard a sound and ran away to my room. I later heard my father yelling at my younger sister Rose. I came down stairs and saw my sister crying, but I was too afraid to tell the truth. I always tried to protect her from then on."
“I was raped," Keiji said.
“What?!"
“No, that's not the secret," he explained, “The secret is that I raped him first. He was one of my father's men and he was taking care of me. I forced him to have sex with me but he took revenge. My father knew about the rape and he certainly guessed at who did it but he never knew what I did. I am sure the only other person who knows this is that man and now you."
I was dumbstruck for a moment. It was a frightening thing to learn about someone. I understood better why he chose celibacy.
“I know that's a big secret compared to yours," he said, then smiled, “But you can keep the change."
We both laughed at this little joke. I decide to tell Keiji about the story of my arrest. While the incident at the time just really pissed me off, it was hilarious when I told it with funny voices for all the character involved.
“And then the policemen said," I imitated a pompous voice, “Mr. Lee, you have to be careful that these so-called “gang-banger” criminals as they are so addicted to their “dope” they do not respect human life itself.' And then at that moment Leroy Jenkins comes down stairs yelling 'KEEELLL DAA PIG!' "
Keiji was laughing so hard at this point that I started laughing at this point too. I didn't get to finish the story and I don't think I ever have finished the story with him. That's a good thing, since poor Leroy didn't end up so good and it would have ruined the story. In any case Keiji started laughing on the floor, and then I heard sobs. He was crying. I put my arm around him.
“It’s okay to cry,” I said to him, “when someone dies. Just as long as they’re a real person and not fictional.”
“I’m going to be strong,” he said, and he was.
After he finished crying, he decided he wanted to practice English conversation with me. So we spent some time making small talk in English until the conversation degenerated into just reciting lines from Hollywood movies. Keiji especially enjoyed saying lines from Star Wars. We made countless stupid little parodies and jokes. We had so much fun that night, but it’s never been like that again with him and me. It was a side of him I only saw later with someone else, but I’ll get to that later.
The priest woke us up in the morning for the funeral. We were parted again, him in front and me in back. The services seemed the same and I had problems staying awake. At the end Keiji left with his grandmother and aunt for crematorium. I went home to sleep happily. That evening Keiji called me. He wanted me to come over to this nice sushi restaurant for dinner. When I came there, he told me the news.
“Jonathan-san,” he said, “my father wanted me to run the Family. He said so in a letter he wrote before he died.”
“Do you have any experience?”
“My father told me a little about the business, but I don’t know much. This is a big undertaking.”
“Are you going to quit high school then?” I asked.
“No,” he said in all seriousness, “Education is important.”
“So you’re going to run extortion rings and study for class?”
“I’ll have help,” he said, then motioned to a waiter, “Your best sake, please.”
The waiter brought the sake to the table very quickly. Keiji poured the cold sake into one cup and took a sip of it than passed it to me.
“Sorry, I don’t drink sake,” I said.
“Neither do I,” he said with a smile.
“Oh great,” I cried, “Keiji-kun, I’m not as bad-ass as you think. I just sold a little pot. I think one of your father’s kobun would be a better choice.”
“I need an outsider. I don’t trust them. They were passed over for me and I’m sure they’re upset about it,” he explained.
“I understand,” I sighed, “But I want to stay out of trouble.”
He looked me square in the eye and said “Good bye.”
I took the cup and drank the contents. It burned all the way down my throat.
“I hate sake,” I quipped.
“So do I,” he said as he shook my hand, “Welcome to the family.”
So that’s how I went meet Keiji and joined the yakuza. Keiji ran the Fukashigi Family for three years before retiring and handing the family over to a judas goat. On November 3rd, the day after his 18th birthday, his company Valen went on the Tokyo Stock Exchange. I’ll leave the story of his success for another day. For now I’ll talk about Keiji finding the love of his life.