No Easy Answer

“You drive like my grandmother,” Sandy teased as he got out of his car in front of Kelly’s house. “You were going, like, ten miles an hour.”

Rolling her eyes as they approached her front door, Kelly shook her head. “No, I was going the speed limit,” she told Sandy as she unlocked the door. “Despite having someone riding my ass the whole way here.” Immediately, her cheeks heated and she silently berated herself.

But Sandy just laughed as he followed her into the house. “Well, either way,” he smiled at Kelly as she led him into her kitchen. “Thanks for doing this. Physics isn’t exactly my strong point, and switching into an advanced class half-way through the year doesn’t make it any easier.”

Pulling two cans of soda from the fridge, Kelly handed one to Sandy and sat down across from him at the kitchen table. “It’s not a problem,” she told him softly, tucking a strand of light brown hair behind her ear before looking up nervously. “I’m happy to help.”

Grinning widely at Kelly, Sandy leaned back in his chair. “I can’t believe how lucky I feel,” he told her with a shake of his head. “I can’t believe that I met you and Elle on my first day.”

Feeling her stomach tumble a little at the mention of her friend’s name, Kelly looked back down at the table and shrugged. “You don’t even know us,” she told him. “We might be cannibals, for all you know. I guess you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“I guess so,” Sandy obliviously agreed. “Although, cannibalism doesn’t seem so bad compared to, say, hanging out with the loser from homeroom this morning.”

Smirking a little, Kelly reached down and took out her physics book from her bag. Within minutes, she and Sandy were reviewing all that the class had taught up to that point. Laughing and joking throughout it all, it was hard to believe that studying for physics could be this kind of fun.

When Kelly finally looked up and saw what time it was, she was shocked. “We’ve been studying for two hours,” she told Sandy, who also looked surprised.

Stretching his arms over his head, Sandy then shrugged. “I guess you’re just a really good teacher,” he told her with a grin. “I totally lost track of time. But I think my back’s feeling it,” he added, stretching some more. “I think that’s enough for Day One, don’t you?”

Biting her lip, Kelly nodded in agreement. In truth, though, she would have been happy to continue studying more. She didn’t mind at all that she and Sandy had scooted their chairs closer together while looking through her notes, and that she could smell the scent of his laundry detergent on his clothes from the close proximity.

“So, have you had enough of me,” Sandy asked as he put his notes away and looked back at Kelly. “Or do you want to hang out some more? This time, though, with absolutely NO educational benefit whatsoever.”

Smiling a little, Kelly shrugged. “That’s fine,” she told Sandy, although inside she felt like jumping up and down. He wanted to hang out with her! “What’d you want to do? Watch TV?”

Standing up, Sandy shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “Would you mind if I got a peek at your room? You can learn a lot about a person just by looking at their room. Unless, of course, you’re not allowed guys in your bedroom.”

The shock Kelly had felt when Sandy had asked to see her room quickly changed to dejection as she thought about what he had last said. ‘What a loser I am,’ she thought to herself. ‘I don’t even know WHAT my parents would think about having a guy in my bedroom, because none has ever wanted to be there.’

“Well, my room is really boring, but it’s fine to go up there,” Kelly finally forced out. “My parents won’t even be home for a few hours, anyway.”

Raising his eyebrows, Sandy smirked as he picked up his book bag and followed Kelly down the hallway and up the stairs. “You’re not supposed to tell a guy you just met that your parents aren’t going to be home for hours,” he teased. “Especially when leading him towards your bedroom.”

Feeling her cheeks flush, Kelly didn’t know how to respond. Sandy was definitely flirting, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Lots of people were friendly flirts without having any ulterior motives. “This is it,” she said as she opened her bedroom door.

“Wow, you make your bed before you leave for school?” Sandy asked as he entered and dropped his bag on the floor.

“I’m kind of a neat freak,” Kelly shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant as she took a seat at her computer desk. Inside her chest, though, her heart was pounding hard as she watched Sandy walking around, looking at different items.

“Damn,” Sandy paused and turned to look at Kelly. “This is amazing. Did you paint it?”

Looking at the picture Sandy was motioning towards, Kelly slumped a little in her seat. “No,” she admitted. “Elle painted it for me for my birthday.”

Turning to look back at the oil painting, Sandy nodded his head. “Well, she’s incredibly talented.” He stood silently, running one hand through his messy dark hair while studying the swirls of color on the canvas. “I’m surprised Elle painted it, though. It seems so… delicate. So gentle – almost timid.”

Letting out a soft sigh, Kelly met Sandy’s eyes as he turned back to her. “Actually, she told me I was the inspiration,” she explained.

Smiling a little, Sandy nodded. “Okay, I can see that,” he said. Crossing the room, he took a seat on the bed across from Kelly. “I mean, I can see that Elle would paint this with you in mind. Anyway, do you paint or anything?”

“Me?” Kelly raised her eyebrows. “Um, no. I do well in school; I haven’t got a creative bone in my body.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true,” Kelly sounded more defensive than she had intended, but she couldn’t help it. This conversation was doing nothing more than pointing out over and over how someone like Sandy would never have interest in someone like her – especially when there was someone as ‘amazing’ and ‘talented’ as Elle around. “What about you?”

“I draw a little,” Sandy leaned back onto one elbow. “And I play guitar. I’m not great, but it gives me an outlet.”

‘Great,’ Kelly thought sarcastically to herself. ‘He’s a musician. Just another reason for Elle to totally want him.’

“So,” Kelly interrupted her own thoughts, not wanting to be caught up in her disappointment. “You said that bedrooms say a lot about people. What does mine say about me?”

Smiling bemusedly, Sandy glanced around once more. “Well, you’re anal,” he told her, and began laughing when Kelly shot him a dirty look. “Just kidding. You don’t even seem anal, just… orderly. Everything is neat and tidy. That shows that you like to please people. And you have photos of your family all over, which shows you’re loyal-”

“You’re making me out to sound like a Labrador,” Kelly interjected dryly.

Smirking, Sandy shook his head. “Let me finish,” he admonished. “As I was saying, you’re loyal, which also explains why you hung up Elle’s picture. But I think the picture says more – it says that you sometimes see yourself through other people’s eyes. Like with Elle’s painting… I said it seems timid. But how timid are you if you let a complete stranger like me walk into your life, into your bedroom, and start making all these crackpot analyses? You’re braver than you think, Kelly, and I might not know you very well, but I’d bet you’re also stronger, more impulsive and more creative than you imagine. You’ve got fire inside you.”

Kelly’s eyes had grown wide and round as she listened to Sandy speaking. No one in her life had ever thought she had the capacity to be impulsive or creative. “Well, you were right about one thing,” she told him, trying to slow down her pulse. “You don’t know me very well.”

At this, Sandy burst out laughing. Kelly couldn’t help but smile a little that she was about to make him laugh like that. “I’m sorry,” he said as he tried to pull himself together. “But I don’t think you have any idea how funny you are.”

Biting her lip, Kelly looked away from Sandy for a moment and tried to wrap her head around what she was thinking. After all, she was sitting across from the only boy she had had a crush on in a long time; and here he was, telling her these wonderful things about herself. “Well, thanks,” Kelly finally looked back at Sandy and gave him a small smile.

“No, thank you,” Sandy said, rising from the bed with a grin. “Thank you for the entertainment, and for the tutoring. But I should get going. The General will have a conniption if I’m not home before him,” he added as he picked up his bag.

Kelly was disappointed, but just nodded and rose. Following Sandy downstairs, she walked him to her front door. “Well, if you need more help…” she told him awkwardly, unsure what to say.

“I appreciate the help,” Sandy smiled at Kelly. “But I’m a little more excited to have made such a cool friend so soon. See you.”

Before Kelly could think of a response, Sandy waved and trotted down the driveway towards his car. Closing the front door, she leaned back against it and sighed. ‘Was that good?’ she wondered to herself. ‘He thinks I’m cool, yes. But he thinks I’m a cool FRIEND.’

‘And that’s all he’ll ever think,’ a nagging voice in the back of Kelly’s head reminded her. ‘Be glad he wants to be your friend, and deal with it if – when – he and Elle hook up.’

Sighing sadly, Kelly pushed off the door and made her way into the kitchen to do more homework. Still, despite the fact that Sandy was destined to never be more than a friend, Kelly couldn’t help but smile when she thought about all the nice things he had said about her earlier.

“You’ve got fire inside you.”

-----

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

Looking up from her seat on the floor, Elle shook her head at her mother. “Not a big deal,” she told her. “Scott and I were just finishing up his homework. See the awesome poster he made for his class?”

“Elle drew some of it,” Scott injected eagerly. “But I did the boats and the water all by myself. And I painted it all, too.”

“You painted yourself a little, too,” Elle’s mother laughed tiredly as she sat on the couch and pulled off her shoes. “But it looks wonderful, Scotty. Listen, why don’t you go upstairs and start running your bath? I’ll make dinner while you’re in there.”

“Okay,” Scott shrugged and stood up. Heading towards the stairs, he turned around. “Thanks, Elle. My poster is going to be WAY better than Bobby O’Neil’s.” With that, he turned and sprinted away.

“And why does he care if his poster is better than Bobby O’Neil’s?” Elle’s mother asked as her daughter joined her on the couch.

“Because Bobby O’Neil is a ‘butthead’ who told Cindy Anderson that Scott liked her even though EVERYONE knows Scott thinks ‘girls are gross’,” Elle acted out the third-grade dynamics. “Except you and me, of course. But we’re ‘not really girls’.”

Chuckling, Elle’s mother put her arm around her daughter’s shoulder and pulled her closer. “I am sorry,” she reiterated, suddenly more somber. “I know you had that magazine meeting after school today that you had to miss.”

“It’s really okay,” Elle rested her head on her mother’s shoulder. “The babysitter bailed; you had to work; it’s not your fault. Shit happens.”

Pulling back a little so she could look into her daughter’s eyes, Elle’s mother was silent for a moment. “You know, despite the weird clothes and the foul mouth and the awful music you listen to, you’re a pretty good kid.”

Smiling back, Elle tilted her head. “And you don’t suck as a mom.”

Shaking her head, Elle’s mother laughed. “Okay, enough with the dysfunctional family moment. You go upstairs now and do your own homework; I’ll start dinner.”

Rising from the couch alongside her mother, Elle nodded. “I’m just going to call Kelly first,” she said. “I need to talk to her about something.”

-----

“Where the hell are you?” Elle’s voice rang over Kelly’s answering machine. “Anyway, call me when you get this. I want to talk to you.”

Staring at the blinking machine from her spot on the bed, Kelly sighed. When the phone had rung, she had checked the Caller ID and seen that it was Elle. And, for the first time in their friendship, she had decided to skip the call.

“I just have homework to do,” Kelly tried to convince herself aloud.

‘Bullshit,’ she immediately told herself. ‘You just don’t want to talk to Elle about Sandy, because you know that when you do, you’ll have to deal with the fact that they are perfect for each other, that Elle deserves to be happy, and that Sandy wouldn’t have interest in you even if there were no Elle.’

Sighing heavily once more, Kelly shook her head. She really didn’t like this situation. First of all, she had always been able to share her feelings with Elle; but in regards to Sandy, that wouldn’t be an option. Secondly, each time she thought about the situation, she realized once again that Sandy would never be interested in her. And finally, she felt almost like she was betraying Elle by having feelings for a guy she was interested in.

Still, Kelly couldn’t figure out any way to stop thinking about Sandy. Or stopping the warm feeling that spread through her chest when she did…

-----

By nine o’clock, Elle was getting a little worried. ‘Kelly always gets back to me,’ she thought as she stared blindly at the television. At just that moment, the phone rang, and she dove for it.

“Where the hell have you been?” Elle immediately balked into the phone.

“Sorry,” Kelly cringed to herself. “I got a little caught up.” Taking a deep breath, she tried to push forward, knowing she had to tell Elle about Sandy coming by before she heard it from Sandy himself. “I tutored Sandy this afternoon, and did some family stuff.”

Stunned, it took Elle a moment to even formulate a response, but when she did, a small smile curved on her lips. “You tutored him?” she asked, excited. “Well, tell me everything. Did he ask about me? Does he seem as cool outside school as he did in?”

“He’s really great,” Kelly replied immediately, and was instantly thankful that Elle wasn’t there to see her cheeks begin turning crimson. “And he saw the picture you painted for me, and said you were really talented.”

“No!” Elle exclaimed with glee as she threw herself back on the couch. Then she bit her lip thoughtfully. “I wish he had seen some of my other stuff first, though. That painting is sort of… plain in comparison to some other things I’ve done.”

Taking a deep breath, Kelly tried to not be insulted that Elle referred to a painting she had said she did while thinking of Kelly as ‘plain’. “Whatever,” Kelly tried to sound indifferent. “Either way, he liked it.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t call me right away,” Elle jokingly scolded her best friend. “I have to get Scott into bed in a few minutes, so I’m not going to get a chance to hear more details until tomorrow.”

“Sorry,” Kelly replied honestly. She did feel guilty, although not for having avoided calling Elle until now. She felt guilty for being so jealous of Elle at that moment – for wishing she was the exotic, wild, beautiful one that someone like Sandy would actually have interest in.

It wasn’t Elle’s fault that she was born gorgeous and raised to be strong, imaginative and passionate, while Kelly was born average and raised to be conscientious, agreeable and kind. In truth, there were a lot of ways in which her life was better than Elle’s: her parents made more money than Elle’s mother; she lived in a big house, as opposed to Elle’s tiny home; she was only expected to do well in school, while Elle had to share in the responsibilities of taking care of her brother. But right now, Kelly would trade all that to have a fraction of the confidence that Elle carried herself with each day.

“Earth to Kelly,” Elle’s voice rang over the phone. “Are you still there?”

“Sorry,” Kelly pulled herself out of her daydream. “I was just, um, working on something.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Elle replied. “Anyway, do you have plans after school tomorrow? I have to come home to watch Scott, but if you’re not busy, you can come home with me and tell me everything about Sandy.”

Swallowing hard, Kelly tried to shake the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach. “I have no plans,” she told Elle, realizing that she had been hoping Sandy might want more tutoring the next day. “I’d love to come over.”

“Awesome,” Elle said happily. “And we can make plans for Friday night, too! Damn, Kell, I’m so glad the end of this school year is looking up.”

“Me too,” Kelly replied flatly before hanging up.

-----

“Knock, knock,” Deb entered Sandy’s room with a timid smile. “Am I interrupting anything?”

Looking up from his seat on his bed towards his stepmother, Sandy shook his head and put down his guitar. “Nothing important,” he shook his head. “Come in.”

Taking a seat beside Sandy, Deb looked at him tenderly. “So how was school today?” she asked. “You didn’t say too much at dinner.”

“The General wouldn’t let me get a word in edge-wise,” Sandy rolled his eyes. “He had too many questions about the curriculum and class size and the caliber of teacher.”

Giving him a gentle smile, Deb shook her head. “You’re dad is just a… an intense individual,” she told Sandy, probably for the hundredth time since she had married his father a year earlier. “He loves you; he just has a hard time expressing things like that. You know that.”

“I know,” Sandy said, although he disagreed with Deb. Still, he didn’t want to say anything to upset the woman. Deb had been a welcome addition to his life, as far as Sandy was concerned. Not only did her presence make living with The General easier, she was also someone Sandy could talk to about things he couldn’t share with anyone else.

“So how was it?” Deb pushed on. “Did you make any friends?”

Smiling a little, Sandy nodded. “Yeah, actually. I did,” he told her, running his hand through his dark hair as he thought about his day. “A couple, actually. I met these two girls in my first class, and one of them caught me up on some school work this afternoon. We’re all supposed to hang out on Friday.”

Raising her eyebrows teasingly, Deb smirked at Sandy. “Two girls, huh?” she asked, pushing her blond hair back behind her shoulders while looking bemusedly at the boy in front of her. “Are they pretty?”

Rolling his eyes, Sandy shook his head at Deb. “You never stop, do you?” he asked affectionately, not actually being bothered. “Yes, they are both pretty – in very different ways. But you know I can’t date anyone.”

“Won’t,” Deb corrected Sandy, frowning a little.

“Can’t,” Sandy repeated, his expression becoming more determined. “I’m not about to let anyone get too close. It wouldn’t be fair – to anyone.”

Reaching over, Deb cradled Sandy’s cheek in her hand and searched his face. “You’re too good,” she said softly, her large blue eyes beginning to fill with tears as she looked at him. “Way too good.”

“No crying,” Sandy reprimanded, although his voice was soft. “You promised.”

“I know, I know,” Deb stood up suddenly, trying to pull herself together. She straightened out an imaginary wrinkle in her shirt while staring at the carpet for a moment before looking back up at Sandy. “Okay, well, at least you’ve made some friends. I’m glad for that.”

“Me too,” Sandy agreed with a grin, thinking of Elle and Kelly. Then paused as he thought of something else, frowning slightly. “Deb, why does The General push so hard for all this school shit? I mean, he knows…”

Biting her lip, Deb shrugged. “All your dad knows – all ANY of us knows – is that things are uncertain. And with your father… when things are uncertain, he tries to control whatever he can, especially after losing your mom like he did. As far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t know what’s going to happen this time, so in the meantime-”

“He’s controlling what he can,” Sandy interrupted. “Meaning me. Even though, considering everything, I couldn’t give a fu-… I couldn’t care less about physics or trigonometry or any that shit. I should be doing something more, you know? Like backpacking across Europe, or building houses in underdeveloped countries…”

Shaking her head, Deb gave Sandy a small smile. “You know I agree with your dad on this,” she told him gently. “You should be living a NORMAL life right now, and you should definitely not be somewhere remote, where if something should happen…” Her words faded off sadly.

“I know you agree with him on this,” Sandy assured Deb soothingly. He hated seeing her upset, particularly about him. “It’s why I’m still here right now; I wouldn’t want to upset you.”

“He loves you,” Deb said again forcefully.

“I know,” Sandy lied.

“And I love you.”

“I know,” Sandy replied honestly. “I love you, too, Deb.”

After watching Deb shut his bedroom door, Sandy leaned back onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He knew his stepmother had only meant well when she had come to talk to him. Still, he couldn’t help wishing she hadn’t. Because now, he couldn’t get those familiar thoughts out of his head – the fear, the anger, the confusion.

For a few hours today at school, then hanging out with Kelly, and then just sitting in his room playing with his guitar, Sandy had managed to not have any of those feelings. Now they were back, and he was pretty sure they wouldn’t go away again until the morning.

-----