New Year's Resolution

Note: Again this is based on real-life events...but be patient there's a lime or lemon (don't know yet) to come...anyway enjoy...

Chapter Two

The next day things only got weirder. I decided to skip my morning classes since it was the last day of the semester anyway and ended up getting to school around lunchtime. For some reason I had a burst of excited energy as I jogged down the stairs into the commons.

I found myself sneaking up behind my best friend Anna like I always did. The rest of my friends around the table didn’t make any sign that I was there but all of a sudden she jumped and screamed. I sat down in my usual spot, disappointingly two seats away from her.

“I didn’t even touch you!” I said covering my discontent with an energetic smile. There was no way she could tell I only longed to touch her.

“I saw a shadow!” she said in an indignant voice as the rest of the table laughed.

“You’re so jumpy today!” I said setting down my backpack and settling into my chair. For real she was no different than she normally was. She was never the kind to touch much, and as for being jumpy, well that was Anna for ya.

Suddenly Christina, sitting next to her, leapt at her teasingly. “Don’t!” Anna screamed with another jump.

For a moment I watched Anna adoringly. Anna had medium blond hair with a natural wavy curl to it. Today she had it neatly up in a ponytail but normally it was about shoulder length. Anna was about average height with pale skin that had just the slightest hint of blue in it. She had small hands that loved to draw and eyes that laughed even when she was sad.

“You’re awful lively today!” Kristen said from across the table. If you were to ask me who of all my girlfriends was the most attractive it would be Kristen. She was slightly taller and thinner than Anna and had dark brown, silky hair that went a couple inches down her slender neck. Kristen had her own original sense of style, but never wore anything wild; she was, after all, very conservative.

“I guess I’m just excited!” I said glancing at Kristen only briefly. I couldn’t stop looking at Anna, I had been thinking about her all weekend, save when I had been thinking about Emily. (Note: The weekend referred to was a three day weekend, Monday there was no school.)

“Have a good weekend?” Anna asked interestedly.

“Well…” I said glancing down and then back up at her. I had terrible trouble lying to her, but there was no way I could have her asking me questions. “It was okay.”

“Anything interesting happen?” she asked curiously as she finished up her lunch.

“A few things…” I said as the images of the day before flashed across my mind.

“Like what?” Christina asked.

I looked up at her uncertainly. I suppose I was jealous of Christina. She was Anna’s best friend, or at least the closest thing Anna had to a best friend. Anna had told me long ago that she doesn’t like ‘choosing favorites’ but I knew that Christina and her were really close.

Christina and Anna had a lot of things in common. They were both really good artists and loved cartooning and anime. They both had a silly girly side and never really obsessed over boys like I always had. Don’t get me wrong, they were straight. It had to do with our school, the boys there aren’t worth anyone’s time.

“Nothing really.” I said shortly. “Yours?”

“Kind of boring actually…” Anna said quietly.

Soon the conversation turned away from me and I decided to go to my locker before lunch ended. As I made my way out of the commons I began to wonder where all the sudden energy had come from. ‘I’m more sure of myself…’ I thought to myself as the image of Anna’s face flashed across my mind.

I stopped suddenly as I opened my locker. “Maybe not...” I said aloud as I furiously shook my head. I had suddenly imagined kissing Anna and the thought made me terribly uncomfortable.

I continued to wonder about my feelings as I sat in English class. I was supposed to be working on a grammar rules worksheet but I couldn’t stop staring at Anna who sat all the way across the room. Just as I had always done with the guy I liked I watched her with a contented smile on my face, silently begging her not to look up.

I felt the slightest pang of guilt as I looked up and down her body. It was some time before I realized I was appreciating her features for the first time. I had always been jealous of her beauty, but it wasn’t until I had spent a few good minutes admiring her that I could really comprehend just why these weren’t normal thoughts I was having.

Her glance came my way several times as she looked around to chat with Greg and Christina. I hurriedly looked away each time, my heart beating wildly. I continued to worry whether or not she had seen me looking at her but I couldn’t stop.

No matter how scared I was there was no better thrill than dodging her eyes. I felt a familiar feeling each time I looked away. I half hoped she had seen me and half hoped she hadn’t. It was like all my other crushes, except ten times more dangerous.

I felt my heart drop as the bell rang and Anna made her way out the door. Instead of simply waving good-bye and taking my time in the hall I frantically gathered up my stuff and shuffled out the door behind her. Greg, Anna and Christina were laughing about how Greg had managed to hit himself in the head with his water bottle, but though I joined in with the giggling I was only thinking about one thing, or rather one person.

“Bye Anna!” I waved at Anna and Christina, who continued down the hall, as I cut off from them to make my way downstairs to government class.

I counted down every second of the next two hours. I couldn’t concentrate on studying for exams and barely managed to keep myself still as I waited for the school day to end. I was ecstatic because, for the first time in weeks, I would have a few spare minutes alone with Anna, or at least I would have had a few minutes.

I had promised to give Anna a ride home before remembering that my mom had the car today. I was sure my mom wouldn’t mind dropping her off, but I wouldn’t get the usual ten minutes alone with her.

“Hi…” I said shivering in the freezing rain as Anna approached. “I thought my mom would be here by now…”

She smiled happily, but I could tell she was nervous. “Are you sure she won’t mind?”

“I’m sure it’s fine.” I said watching her anxiously. “I don’t see why it wouldn’t be…”

An uncomfortable silence followed. I couldn’t stop thinking about what a huge moron I had been, again! I always offered her a ride home without actually thinking first. It always seemed to be these times that I ended up not having the car.

All of a sudden she jumped at me excitedly as if she had suddenly thought of something. “So, you still like you-know-who?!” she asked hitting my arm playfully.

“Who?” I said with surprise.

“You know!” she said smiling teasingly. “Idiot-boy!”

“Oh yeah.” I said actually knowing who she was talking about. “You mean Doug?”

“Yeah…” she said laughing. “He’s such a weirdo.”

“Oh…” I said thinking about my response for a minute. I hadn’t thought about him in ages. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him anymore it was just that I really wasn’t attracted to him. I never really had been, I guess I liked the concept of Doug, rather than the person. “…I don’t really like him all that much anymore…”

“Oh really…” she said with unwavering confidence. “I don’t like anyone right now either…”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like anyone.” I said shortly before I could stop myself. I looked up at her nervously but she simply shrugged and said “Oh.”

I wondered what she was thinking. It was strange that Anna would bring up the subject of Doug. She never really seemed to be comfortable talking about him in that fashion. Doug was like a brother to her and was her best guy friend. They had known each other for years and were really close.

“So…” I said breaking the uncomfortable silence. “…you have any exams tomorrow?”

“No…but I have to take the government test on Thursday!” she said irritably.

“Yeah…” I said smiling. “Do you have to take the English exam?”

“Nope!” she said happily.

“Oh that’s right.” I said remembering she had told me before. “Cool…I’m actually glad I’m taking it…”

“Really?”

“Yeah…my grade’s kind of low…I mean it’s not bad but it’s a B or something…the test will probably raise it to an A…”

“Yeah…I’m getting an A or something…” she said plainly.

“You’ve always been smart…” I said kind of disappointedly but with a complimentary smile. “…too smart…”

“Okay…” she said looking at me oddly.

“It was only a compliment…” I said in a quiet voice, my cheeks blushing brightly. ‘Why the heck did I say that?!’ I screamed at myself in my mind. I looked away, pretending to be searching for my mom’s car. “Where the hell is my mom?!”

“She’s probably running late and is going to be like: ‘No! I’m in a hurry! I can’t take your friend home!’” she said laughing nervously.

“No…” I reassured.

“Yeah, you’re right. Your mom’s really nice.” She said smiling at me as she spotted my mom’s car.

* * * * * * *

‘I’ve went and done it again!’ I said plopping on the couch miserably. ‘I’ve gone and fallen for my best friend.’

If I had thought that my ordeal with Michael had been difficult, it was nothing compared to the catastrophe that was preparing to collapse around me now. Michael had been my best friend throughout middle school and my biggest crush ever. I had absolutely adored that boy, and he saw me as nothing more than another of his friends.

At least with Michael I had had a chance. I mean at one point he had liked me as more than a friend. He was a guy after all, and I was pretty much the only girl who talked to him at that time.

The trouble now was that Anna was a girl, and totally into guys. No matter what I looked like, what I did or what I said she would never see me the way that I saw her. But the thing that was the worse, and had been the case with Michael as well, is she was my best friend. I went to her with my problems and though she always told me that she wasn’t the one I should be talking to, I felt better just by telling her.

Now what was I going to do with the biggest problem of them all? I had no one I could talk to, no one but myself. My mom usually would be the one I’d turn to if I couldn’t talk to Anna.

But how could I tell my mother that I had feelings for girls? We had always talked about how I wanted to have a family and children; we had always spoken of guys and what my wedding might be like. How could I tell my Christian mother that I had doubts about my sexuality?

What I worried about more was my father. He had always been the quick one, even though I lived with my mom. He had been the one that had noticed I had spent every spare minute with Michael. Would he find out this time like he had before?

I couldn’t even tell my sister, though I don’t know why. She had denied Christianity long ago and was often speaking out for gay rights. She adored yaoi and I had my suspicions of her and one of her girlfriends.

I felt cornered and at the same time alone. It was like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what to believe or what I even wanted to believe. Where was the God I had so recently known? What had happened to the perfect plans of my life?

All I knew was one thing, and that was that I could no longer deny the feelings I had when I saw an attractive woman. It wasn’t just jealousy, it wasn’t just adoration. Maybe I wasn’t as straight as I had so long known myself to be.

As I lay awake in my bed, staring up at the ceiling and wishing I could sleep one thought came to my mind. ‘Maybe that’s why I was so afraid of homosexuals… I was brought up to believe that it was wrong, and all the time I was one of them myself.’

TO BE CONTINUED