Always

I must have come to some time later because it had been dark all around me and the silence had been quite oppressive. The grass beneath my face had felt moist and soft. I hadn’t wanted to move but I knew I had to. My ass hurt and I felt sticky all over. I had gingerly pulled my pants up ignoring the bright splashes of color in my white cotton boxer briefs. It took so much out of me to get decent that I laid there for a bit to get my breath back. I had gotten to my feet slowly limping home with my spindly arms wrapped around me. I still remember even now how I couldn’t seem to stop shivering even as I felt sweat running down my face.
As messed up as my school life had been, my home life had been the proverbial “Life with Beaver”. My mom was a homemaker and my dad a cutthroat lawyer. I never wanted for anything except more attention. I had an older brother in college and a little sister in the sixth grade. Their names are Caleb and Courtenay. I shared a room with Caleb but with him away at college, no one noticed me that night and they never would.
Now more than a month into our senior year in highschool and he still hasn’t spoken a word to me even by accident. We still meet twice a week behind St. Mary’s middle school, however I am deeply entrenched in my everybody hates me personae. I have one other friend named Victor. Victor transferred here our junior year. I think he hangs out with me because he hasn’t really had time to join a click yet. Victor doesn’t know about my biweekly meetings and I don’t think I’m going to tell him anytime soon we’re just not that deep. Victor and I are hanging out by my locker as he walks by with his click, the jocks. I can’t tear my eyes away. My heart beats a little faster and my breath catches in my throat. I know even if he didn’t spare me a glance that he wants me. I’m the only one he comes to when he wants to be close to someone. In fact, this afternoon is our regular meeting, I can’t wait. I live for these afternoons.
I go to our wall and wait with my pants down as usual anxiously anticipating my love. I don’t know how long I wait but my arms go numb and my knees lock. The sun’s gone down and the cooler night air raises goose bumps on my ass. He never came. I gave up and went home. I don’t know how I ended up in my room but I remember turning my pillow over that night when it got too wet. When I woke up my eyes were dry and gritty and my throat felt sore and swollen. My mom and dad were sitting on my bed apparently waiting for me to wake up. I blinked in mild confusion. They both looked haggard and stressed, a state I hadn’t seen them in 17yrs of life.
“Sean, we need to talk, honey.” My mom began as she gently brushed my unruly auburn curls back from my forehead. My dad sighed looking mildly impatient with her tentative approach. “Honey, you know you can tell us when there is anything wrong right? Why we are here is to discuss last night. Now your father and I know that you are going through some things that we might not be able to understand. That’s okay. We try to give you your space but you are starting to worry us.” At this she got choked up and pressed her fingers to her lips to stem the flow of her hiccuping breath. My dad stepped in at this point gently rubbing her back.
“What your mother is trying to say is we heard you screaming last night in fact I think it would be safe to say the whole neighborhood heard you screaming last night. We couldn’t get you to calm down until we gave you a sedative. You never said anything was wrong before and we never really noticed.” When he paused my eyes widened and I reached out to touch his cheek and he just held my hand there. I didn’t realize that they cared this much. It never occurred to me that anything I did could hurt them or touch their seemingly perfect life. I whimpered in frustration when I tried to talk and couldn’t.
“No, don’t talk. Your throat must be really sore right now. You get some rest and your mom will take you to Dr. Andrews later this afternoon. Just...be okay.” With that he left quietly shutting my door without looking back. My mom stayed with me curling up behind me in my narrow twin bed. I felt tears on my cheek as I thought about yesterday and the absolute devastation of not seeing him. She and I never spoke she just kept running her fingers through my hair with her other arm wrapped around my middle in a tight hug. I couldn’t seem to stop crying and she couldn’t stop murmuring sweet nothings. We must have fallen asleep like that, me cradled in her loving arms, because when next I opened my eyes Courtenay stood over us softly calling my name.