Sensual Sin

During my freshman year at high school I knew no one. No one that is, except for my ex boyfriend Mathew. As you could imagine I felt very out of place, seeing as all of my other friends had gone to the other high school across town. Mathew had been my first real boyfriend, at thirteen years old I barely knew him, I think I had him in my art class, but we never talked, you could imagined how surprised I was when he sent a note (Through his best friend Alex of course) asking me if I would be his girlfriend. I thought about it all day, did my share of blushing and giggling, then of course excepted. He was charming sweet, but most importantly, he was funny.

The day afterwards we avoided each other, I’m not sure why. Eventually his best friend (and my soon to be best male friend) Alex came up to me and asked me for my phone number for Mat. I gave it to him and around 5, he called. I was surprised at how much we had in common, we liked the same bands, enjoyed doing the same things, and hung out with the same people. Everything went smoothly for a while. We went on dates out to the movies and to the mall, and we even went to the beach together with Alex and Noel (my best girl friend in the entire world). It was on that particular date that I got my first real kiss.

When we were standing on the cove waiting for Noel and Alex to catch up he turned to me and kissed me softly on the lips before sliding his tongue into my mouth, I was utterly shocked to find how incredibly arousing, if not messy, it was. After that we did everything together, if he went somewhere I went with him and vice versa. It was nice, that is, until I realized how un-attracted I was toward him.

Instead of finding his nightly phone calls pleasant, they began to annoy me. When ever he went to kiss me I would close my eyes and think of something else. Then it happened. One night when we were on the phone he told me “Good night sweetness.” I was utterly shocked. I asked him to repeat what he said to make sure I wasn’t hearing things, and sure enough I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if he was joking or if he was really that gushy over me. Either way it was unnerving, it was then I decided I had to end it. A few days before our second month anniversary I sent him an email saying it was over.

I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the summer, I blocked his email and didn’t answer his calls. I was glad that I was free of him, but part of me regretted it. I spent the remainder of the summer with Noel and Alex. I was glad that Alex didn’t hold it against me that I broke up with Mathew, little did I know it was partially because he was VERY interested in Noel.

We spent the night at each other’s houses (Me and Noel) and spent long days at the dock, our favorite hangout. When it came time to go back to school I was upset to find out that neither of them were going to go to my school.

We made a deal that we wouldn’t let anything change, that we would still be best friends, and that we would still spend as much time together as possible. Eighth grade, the best year of my life, was over, and the future was dark.

On my first day of school I saw him, Mathew, wandering down my hallway. It turned out that his first class was across the hall from mine. We said hi and acted civilized, pretending to be nothing more than friends. As we talked about our summers, I was surprised to find a slight blush on my cheeks and butterflies in my stomach. He had grown about three inches and had let his hair grow out too. He was dressed in black baggy cloths. God he looked hot. I found myself wondering if he was feeling the same thing.

We went to our classes and that was the last I saw of him that day. At the end of the day I realized that I hadn’t gotten my busses number from the office. The school was huge, I had had enough trouble just locating my classes, a big change from middle school. So instead I called my mom and told her I missed it. Waiting in the front of the school until she got off work, I met a boy with curly brown hair and dark eyelashes. I thought I recognized him from one of my classes, seeing how everyone else had left already I casually asked him if he had missed the bus too. And that’s how I met Brandon. It turned out he HAD missed the bus, and it just happened to be the same one I missed, he had just moved into the apartments a couple of blocks away from my house. It was nice to half a companion on the bus to walk home with. He was real sweet, and kind of cute too.

October came and went and so did my father. Well, he wasn’t my biological father, but he was as close to one as I’ve ever had. He was actually my grandfather, but I’d lived with him my entire life. One night he just fell down and wouldn’t get back up. Everything from that night is still crystal clear. My mom who is a nurse, gave him CPR and kept shouting “Breath Papa, come on, breath” while my grandma just sat on the couch with a calm look on her face. I couldn’t figure out why I was the only one crying. Later my mom told me it was because it never does any good to panic in a bad situation. But I didn’t care, I bawled my eyes out.

When the medics came they loaded him up into the ambulance like cargo. It made me so mad. When I went outside I could see all of our neighbors standing around in their night cloths trying to see what happened. Nosey sons a bitches, I hated them all as they gawked at my father who no longer had a pulse. A girl ran up to me asking me what happened but all I could do was shake my head and cry harder.

I spend the night curled up in my room. My grandma went up to the hospital to stay with my Papa. The next day she called and told us he was on a ventilator and some other life support crap. He had been dead to long and even if he started breathing on his own he would be severely brain damaged.

I called Noel and Alex and told them everything. They were over in about ten minutes flat even though it was about a twenty minute drive. I was glad to have such great friends. Noel spent the night with me and was there when my grandma called again. My Papa’s kidneys had failed and his liver was shot. The next day, a Sunday, they decided to pull life support, and he was gone. No one asked me if I was ok with it, and to this day no one ever has. We ended up cremating him and his son, my uncle, ended up taking the ashes.

I spent the next couple of weeks in denial. Every now and then Brandon Noel or Alex would stop by to visit but other than that I stayed in my room. Every time I walked into the kitchen I expected him to be there, sitting at the table sipping his coffee, reading his books. But he wasn’t. I started dressing in all black, and my mom took me to a grief counselor. I wish I could say it helped, but it only brought up painful memories and made things worse.

No one asked me about my sudden change in clothing, and when I dyed my hair black, no one seemed surprised. Going back to school was difficult, the questions and the pity was the worst of it though. I ended up failing that semester, my mom figured it was because I was so behind, but really it was because I just didn’t care anymore. One night I decided to cut myself as a reminder of my pain. I carved a heart into my leg, something that I regret to this day. To anyone who has ever cut themselves, I know that you know how I felt, To those of you who haven’t and think I was crazy and stupid, I would have to agree with you. It was stupid, and even now I still have the scar on my inner left leg.

To those of you who are reading and are thinking “Isn’t this supposed to be a story of romance?” I will answer you “Yes” because it is, I only wish to share with you my past so that maybe you can make sense of my present.

I dove into the internet, pretending to be someone I wasn’t, talking to people in chat rooms who were probably doing the same thing. It was like I had discovered a fantasy world in which I could be anyone I wanted and do anything I desired. It was a welcomed escape. I soon began dating a boy online. It was nice because if I didn’t want to talk to him all I had to do was sign off. We talked a lot and soon I started to feel attracted to him. We ended up calling each other and exchanging photos, he even sent me flowers on my birthday.

Word went around that I was dating someone on the internet, just as it went around when we broke up. As it turned out he needed something more than just an “Internet” girlfriend. I wasn’t all that devastated surprisingly.

A few weeks later me and Noel went to a rock concert at the lake park. It was free and a good excuse to get out of the house. We were glad to find Alex there, and I was glad to see that he had brought a friend. Mathew spent the entire night with me, he even gave me his jacket when it got cold. We threw fire crackers out onto the water and watched as they exploded, than ran when security came to investigate. At the end of the night I found that I didn’t want to go home, so I went to Noels house instead. Just as I was leaving Mathew hugged me and whispered softly in my ear.

“You know you don’t have to be alone.”

I felt like my insides had turned to jelly, never had someone said something so simple and made me feel so…wanted. I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see how flustered he had made me.

“I know” was all I managed to say before climbing into the warm SUV. Me and Noel spent the whole night talking, as it turned out Alex had asked her out as well. Though we wanted to call and confirm our answers (yes of course!) we decided to wait until morning to keep them on their toes. I slept with Mathew’s jacket that night and imagined what it would be like having him laying next to me.

By the next day we were dating again. It felt so right to have Mathew by my side. I felt as though things might finally be going right in my life. That is until he broke up with me the next day. As it turns out his previous girl friend had never meant to break up with him, that it was just a misunderstanding or something like that. In the end he told me he was too confused to have a girl friend right then. I was heart broken, but I refused to show it. I didn’t know whether I hated him or just wanted him back, but I knew that I was hurting. We still talked now and then, mostly just your casual hi how are you’s. Second term started and I was assigned all new classes, thankfully, none of them brought me to Mathew.

But they did bring me to Steven. I knew him because he hanged out with Brandon. We took to each other right away. He was adorable, he had big blue-ish green eyes and light brown hair, he was about three or four inches taller than me and had a deep husky voice. He was playful and sweet. It took about a month, but he eventually asked me out. I found out that I was his first real girlfriend and I was flattered. He took me a lot of places and always paid for everything even when I insisted. He liked my friends right away, and they liked him too.

I soon found myself thinking about Mathew less and less, and even when I saw him none of my old feelings surfaced. I was finally getting on with my life and I was happy. Maybe Steven was going to make everything better.

Oh how wrong I was…